(no subject)
I don't want to spend another year of my life doing this with John. What's wrong with me that I vacillate so much on this topic of being with him. I wish I could just get him out of my life. He makes everything about him and, basically, full of drama. All I wanted was to be happy yesterday.
I haven't slept at all, and I went home at 1:15. I can't even cry, I'm so angry at him. And his fucking roommate/best friend, Sergio, who thought he could intervene when, at my birthday, John is being so dramatically tired that he's just nodding off and going to the bathroom and dunking his head in water and then saying, "Sergio wants me to stay. He's the one to blame for anything I do." I'm talking and laughing with my friends and Josh and Robin and he's saying all of this to my side. "White and powdery stuff." Then he says, "It's an option," when I'm just saying, "What?!" to him. This blows up to a bigger thing, especially since John basically convinced me he was dying earlier, making me cry next to a giant fountain in midtown for probably an hour, after which said he didn't know why he panicked me like that, but we talked about his health at length after that. I hear Sergio telling him to just "give her time to cool off." Then Sergio decides he's going to intervene because I'm telling John to just go home because I don't want to deal with an argument or any of that drama, not in front of my family or friends, and not on my birthday. Sergio steps in and starts trying to convince me that John hasn't done any drugs, that he's been around John 24/7, that I don't want to leave it this way with John. John's just standing back and watching.
They leave and my friends are asking me what happened. Leslie said, "You were engaged to him?" I'm lying to everyone about what just happened because I want them all to still like him and give him another chance. Leslie heard part of it and says, "Does he have a drug problem?" And the thing is, I know John's not doing coke. Then John tells me that he just wanted to show Sergio how upset I get over stuff like that, that that would be the only thing he could do but see how upset Tasha gets? I look at John and say, "Seriously? You have to make an example out of me?" I just wrote to John saying I don't want to spend another year doing this, that it was such a struggle to be happy on my birthday. The morning started so well, too.
I just want someone who's focused on making me happy, like I am focused on making him happy. I was sooo nice to Sergio, too. He spent from 3:00 onward with us on my birthday, then he came to my birthday, I invited him to spend the night at my house so he wouldn't have to go back to Queens. It's just ridiculous. And who does he think he is to get in the middle of something with John and me? This obviously means he thinks he's closer with John than I am, and he's judging the right and wrong in our relationship. I would NEVER get in the middle of a fight with someone and her boyfriend, especially not on her birthday, and ESPECIALLY if they were ENGAGED once.
I'm so, so angry. And it's so shitty to know that I'll actually have to deal with John later and fight with him over this and outline this all for him and deal with his shitty excuses and his not owning up to things he said earlier in the conversation, because he doesn't take responsibility for himself. He's so toxic in my life, so draining and dramatic. I can't get away from him. I can't do another year of this, though. Wow. He has to break my heart like this, and now I have someone else involved judging this putting in his two cents when I don't even really let my friends do that, when I'm lying to them to protect John. I look like the bad guy getting so fired up about all this. And I even have to worry about who looks like a bad guy.
He ruins my birthday every year. And the thing is, if every day were my birthday, he'd probably ruin them all.
Ha. "Give her time to cool down." I'm so angry I can't even cry, but I want to so desperately. I just want to be happy. He doesn't get me there. Why can't I just get him out of my life? Him and his drug talk and his twisted morals and his selfishness.
And I have no one to blame but myself. I have no one left to talk to because I just want everyone to like him again. He's not changed. I'm such an idiot for thinking he was. I'm always such an idiot like that. I just don't want to spend another year being unhealthy with him in my life. And he won't even get it. I need to be like iron just to talk to him.
Oh, and again, for the books: Fuck Sergio.
I haven't slept at all, and I went home at 1:15. I can't even cry, I'm so angry at him. And his fucking roommate/best friend, Sergio, who thought he could intervene when, at my birthday, John is being so dramatically tired that he's just nodding off and going to the bathroom and dunking his head in water and then saying, "Sergio wants me to stay. He's the one to blame for anything I do." I'm talking and laughing with my friends and Josh and Robin and he's saying all of this to my side. "White and powdery stuff." Then he says, "It's an option," when I'm just saying, "What?!" to him. This blows up to a bigger thing, especially since John basically convinced me he was dying earlier, making me cry next to a giant fountain in midtown for probably an hour, after which said he didn't know why he panicked me like that, but we talked about his health at length after that. I hear Sergio telling him to just "give her time to cool off." Then Sergio decides he's going to intervene because I'm telling John to just go home because I don't want to deal with an argument or any of that drama, not in front of my family or friends, and not on my birthday. Sergio steps in and starts trying to convince me that John hasn't done any drugs, that he's been around John 24/7, that I don't want to leave it this way with John. John's just standing back and watching.
They leave and my friends are asking me what happened. Leslie said, "You were engaged to him?" I'm lying to everyone about what just happened because I want them all to still like him and give him another chance. Leslie heard part of it and says, "Does he have a drug problem?" And the thing is, I know John's not doing coke. Then John tells me that he just wanted to show Sergio how upset I get over stuff like that, that that would be the only thing he could do but see how upset Tasha gets? I look at John and say, "Seriously? You have to make an example out of me?" I just wrote to John saying I don't want to spend another year doing this, that it was such a struggle to be happy on my birthday. The morning started so well, too.
I just want someone who's focused on making me happy, like I am focused on making him happy. I was sooo nice to Sergio, too. He spent from 3:00 onward with us on my birthday, then he came to my birthday, I invited him to spend the night at my house so he wouldn't have to go back to Queens. It's just ridiculous. And who does he think he is to get in the middle of something with John and me? This obviously means he thinks he's closer with John than I am, and he's judging the right and wrong in our relationship. I would NEVER get in the middle of a fight with someone and her boyfriend, especially not on her birthday, and ESPECIALLY if they were ENGAGED once.
I'm so, so angry. And it's so shitty to know that I'll actually have to deal with John later and fight with him over this and outline this all for him and deal with his shitty excuses and his not owning up to things he said earlier in the conversation, because he doesn't take responsibility for himself. He's so toxic in my life, so draining and dramatic. I can't get away from him. I can't do another year of this, though. Wow. He has to break my heart like this, and now I have someone else involved judging this putting in his two cents when I don't even really let my friends do that, when I'm lying to them to protect John. I look like the bad guy getting so fired up about all this. And I even have to worry about who looks like a bad guy.
He ruins my birthday every year. And the thing is, if every day were my birthday, he'd probably ruin them all.
Ha. "Give her time to cool down." I'm so angry I can't even cry, but I want to so desperately. I just want to be happy. He doesn't get me there. Why can't I just get him out of my life? Him and his drug talk and his twisted morals and his selfishness.
And I have no one to blame but myself. I have no one left to talk to because I just want everyone to like him again. He's not changed. I'm such an idiot for thinking he was. I'm always such an idiot like that. I just don't want to spend another year being unhealthy with him in my life. And he won't even get it. I need to be like iron just to talk to him.
Oh, and again, for the books: Fuck Sergio.