I'll take your stories, but not your lilies
I'm a little emotional today. I just sat on the floor for about, I don't know, maybe forty-five minutes hugging FB and telling how much I love him. He hasn't eaten any of the treats I've given him and I'm hoping it's because he knows I'm going away and that he doesn't want me to go. I'm sad. I love this dog and I've spent so much time with him over the last three weeks. He's been my companion and best friend. I've cried so many times here, and he comes out from whichever room he's been sleeping in to bury his head in my leg lovingly. There's a picture of a crying girl on the wall; it reminds me of myself. I look at it and think, how odd that someone has a picture of a crying girl on her wall as decoration.
This is a house of strength, though, and warmth. I feel as though I'm allowed to cry here, and then I can pick myself back up. That's the way I am anyway - I cry and break down, then I pick myself back up - but there's such a womanly kind of strength in this house.
Maybe I'm just rambling.
It's snowing and I hope I'll be able to drive home safely tonight. How odd that I received a facebook message a few hours ago saying that Robin would be home tonight (instead of tomorrow night). I'm glad I checked facebook. I wish there was some consideration for how much that might affect me: "Sorry, you'll no longer be sleeping here tonight, and you'll have to clean and wash everything in the next five hours then be out of here before I get home." Oh well. I probably won't ever see her again, except for on facebook maybe.
But God, I'll miss FB. I guess it's a time of loss for me. Loss and regeneration. When I had my three-hour talk with Joshi, he said that he feels when I get to New York, I'll have a period of grieving, a feeling of loss and depression, before I can begin my life anew. I'm leaving behind everything I know for something different. That's what I need: something different. Josh says I need to get out of here, to find something different. I need to leave. It's been too long since my last adventure.
My discussion with Josh went very well. I'm not sure if I mentioned it. But anyhow, it did go very well. I told him about my rapes and how I had such a lack of support. I told him that there's a dynamic with him and our family and that I'm not happy being treated the way I have been; I told him I'm unhappy not being trusted or taken seriously when I make a decision about my life. I told him that he has to go easier on me because I need his love and support. The discussion lasted three hours. I didn't realize he knew so little about John's and my relationship until I started telling him the main gist of it. He said that until John and I came out to visit him in New York, he liked John and thought he was good for me. When we went to visit Josh, Josh realized that "John was boring and kind of immature." I had an "aha!" moment when he said that: I knew that Josh's mind changed about John in New York. I felt it. I'd thought it had just been a projection, that I'd realized I didn't like John as much because I was seeing him objectively. But I was so happy when Josh said that.
I'm scared about getting a job in New York. I need to start applying to jobs there soon. Of course, I'd love to work for a publishing house or as a freelance editor, but I'm not sure I'm good enough to be hired anywhere. I know everyone has to start somewhere, but I don't know where that somewhere is. Even if I were editing somewhere for peanuts, making just enough to live on, I'd be satisfied. I'll start applying to places soon. Ahhhh!!!
Also, now that I'm free of John, I keep getting inspired to do so much. I've rediscovered drawing, reading...health? My confidence is just starting to come back. I've started disagreeing with people good-naturedly...it's kind of amazing. I'm not combative; I'm just nice and good-humored. I accept the other person's opinion, then my own. It's weird. So weird. For me, at least.
It's interesting: With John gone, I feel like nothing's stopping me from anything. Life has become so simple. I've been depressed, yes, but not because of him; I actually don't know why I've been so depressed and down on myself. But right now, there doesn't seem to be anything other than my job, my health, my friends, and self-betterment. I work, then I can come home and read, do my editing or write, and see my friends. It's nice right now. I am a little drunk, though, so I may just be all idealistic.
I said goodbye to Captain Weathers. He's going to Ethiopia. He tried to give me his lilies. I took a coupon book, instead. He's going to teach English. He's an adventurer. I told him that. I said that I thought he was the classic adventurer and that he will do well there and that I want to hear from him about his adventures. I'll take his stories, but not his lilies.
This is a house of strength, though, and warmth. I feel as though I'm allowed to cry here, and then I can pick myself back up. That's the way I am anyway - I cry and break down, then I pick myself back up - but there's such a womanly kind of strength in this house.
Maybe I'm just rambling.
It's snowing and I hope I'll be able to drive home safely tonight. How odd that I received a facebook message a few hours ago saying that Robin would be home tonight (instead of tomorrow night). I'm glad I checked facebook. I wish there was some consideration for how much that might affect me: "Sorry, you'll no longer be sleeping here tonight, and you'll have to clean and wash everything in the next five hours then be out of here before I get home." Oh well. I probably won't ever see her again, except for on facebook maybe.
But God, I'll miss FB. I guess it's a time of loss for me. Loss and regeneration. When I had my three-hour talk with Joshi, he said that he feels when I get to New York, I'll have a period of grieving, a feeling of loss and depression, before I can begin my life anew. I'm leaving behind everything I know for something different. That's what I need: something different. Josh says I need to get out of here, to find something different. I need to leave. It's been too long since my last adventure.
My discussion with Josh went very well. I'm not sure if I mentioned it. But anyhow, it did go very well. I told him about my rapes and how I had such a lack of support. I told him that there's a dynamic with him and our family and that I'm not happy being treated the way I have been; I told him I'm unhappy not being trusted or taken seriously when I make a decision about my life. I told him that he has to go easier on me because I need his love and support. The discussion lasted three hours. I didn't realize he knew so little about John's and my relationship until I started telling him the main gist of it. He said that until John and I came out to visit him in New York, he liked John and thought he was good for me. When we went to visit Josh, Josh realized that "John was boring and kind of immature." I had an "aha!" moment when he said that: I knew that Josh's mind changed about John in New York. I felt it. I'd thought it had just been a projection, that I'd realized I didn't like John as much because I was seeing him objectively. But I was so happy when Josh said that.
I'm scared about getting a job in New York. I need to start applying to jobs there soon. Of course, I'd love to work for a publishing house or as a freelance editor, but I'm not sure I'm good enough to be hired anywhere. I know everyone has to start somewhere, but I don't know where that somewhere is. Even if I were editing somewhere for peanuts, making just enough to live on, I'd be satisfied. I'll start applying to places soon. Ahhhh!!!
Also, now that I'm free of John, I keep getting inspired to do so much. I've rediscovered drawing, reading...health? My confidence is just starting to come back. I've started disagreeing with people good-naturedly...it's kind of amazing. I'm not combative; I'm just nice and good-humored. I accept the other person's opinion, then my own. It's weird. So weird. For me, at least.
It's interesting: With John gone, I feel like nothing's stopping me from anything. Life has become so simple. I've been depressed, yes, but not because of him; I actually don't know why I've been so depressed and down on myself. But right now, there doesn't seem to be anything other than my job, my health, my friends, and self-betterment. I work, then I can come home and read, do my editing or write, and see my friends. It's nice right now. I am a little drunk, though, so I may just be all idealistic.
I said goodbye to Captain Weathers. He's going to Ethiopia. He tried to give me his lilies. I took a coupon book, instead. He's going to teach English. He's an adventurer. I told him that. I said that I thought he was the classic adventurer and that he will do well there and that I want to hear from him about his adventures. I'll take his stories, but not his lilies.