Numbness After The Storm
I've been staving off depression about being alone on New Years. I suppose it makes me feel like I'm a loser or something to be alone. I feel worthless and unwanted, rejected even. I know I have friends and such, so I have to be loved just a bit. And I realize that the majority of my friends are in relationships, so they aren't about to invite me out somewhere, but I'm alone just the same. I can't remember one good New Years. I don't know if I've had one good New Years. Maybe it's better that I'm alone this year.
I had a crying episode about an hour ago about it. Just me and the dog tonight. Yep.
But it's whatever, right? I hate that phrase, "It's whatever." John used to say that to me when I got hurt about something he did. "Whatever." Like a surly teenager. Asshole.
I've been feeling so low lately. I feel like I love myself and think I'm great and intelligent and fun and pretty and funny and awesome and cool and lovable and an amazingly caring person, but that no one else could possibly feel that way; so I couldn't possibly be any of those things, if no one actually sees me that way. I wish I didn't feel so stupid and worthless to the world. I've felt like this for awhile now, but I think the sentiment has been especially heightened since Josh came to town. I guess it's just an older brother thing, but I feel so stupid around him and any of his friends or Robin. I feel subpar because very rarely is being myself funny enough or good enough or even calm enough. I'm always too high energy for him; it's because I'm trying so hard for him to like me. I don't know what's good enough for him and I start seeing that stupidity recognized in some of my friends. Quinn and Leah don't do it, but Kirsten and Katrina do, and John did. I feel so stupid. I wondered for the first time today if it would be a good idea for me to even go to New York. Josh would be the only person I'd know there, and I'm not sure that would be such a good idea to get my security from him. He's an amazing brother in all other ways, but he's made me so self-conscious around him. And I recognize that throughout the years, he's believed my issues with him have been my projecting other problems onto our relationship. Yeah...not so. I should have a talk with him at some point.
Like I said, I've been staving depression about tonight. But fuck it, I think I'll just give into it. I don't have the strength to hold it back right now. I'm going to be a productive depressive, though, and go through all of my John photos and either throw them away or file them away. I may drink while I'm doing this. I tried to go to the liquor store, but that's when I started crying; so I thought I'd better come home and hug the dog instead.
I've decided not to try for any kind of relationship or dating for awhile. I need some time to settle into my identity. I've been dating John, and he's been abusive to me, for 4 years. That's since I was 21. I was supposed to discover myself at least a little bit during that time, but I was, instead, trying to make him accept me or treat me the way I deserved to be treated. I need to take care of myself for the first time in my life. I've never been able to do that. I hope I'm able to do that.
I was going to say that I'm the lowest I've been in a long, long time. But I just thought about that and realized that if John called me right now, saying that he's thought about everything and realized I was right and that he's changed and that he will do anything to be with me, even if it's just to kiss me at midnight because he doesn't give a shit about leaving his newfound friends in Denver, that I'd hang up on him. That's a pretty far cry from where I was even a few weeks ago.
Everything in my life is up in the air right now. I have been looking at it as chaos, but I just had the epiphany that it's basically a million opportunities.
I think I might want to go to Europe instead of New York.
I had a crying episode about an hour ago about it. Just me and the dog tonight. Yep.
But it's whatever, right? I hate that phrase, "It's whatever." John used to say that to me when I got hurt about something he did. "Whatever." Like a surly teenager. Asshole.
I've been feeling so low lately. I feel like I love myself and think I'm great and intelligent and fun and pretty and funny and awesome and cool and lovable and an amazingly caring person, but that no one else could possibly feel that way; so I couldn't possibly be any of those things, if no one actually sees me that way. I wish I didn't feel so stupid and worthless to the world. I've felt like this for awhile now, but I think the sentiment has been especially heightened since Josh came to town. I guess it's just an older brother thing, but I feel so stupid around him and any of his friends or Robin. I feel subpar because very rarely is being myself funny enough or good enough or even calm enough. I'm always too high energy for him; it's because I'm trying so hard for him to like me. I don't know what's good enough for him and I start seeing that stupidity recognized in some of my friends. Quinn and Leah don't do it, but Kirsten and Katrina do, and John did. I feel so stupid. I wondered for the first time today if it would be a good idea for me to even go to New York. Josh would be the only person I'd know there, and I'm not sure that would be such a good idea to get my security from him. He's an amazing brother in all other ways, but he's made me so self-conscious around him. And I recognize that throughout the years, he's believed my issues with him have been my projecting other problems onto our relationship. Yeah...not so. I should have a talk with him at some point.
Like I said, I've been staving depression about tonight. But fuck it, I think I'll just give into it. I don't have the strength to hold it back right now. I'm going to be a productive depressive, though, and go through all of my John photos and either throw them away or file them away. I may drink while I'm doing this. I tried to go to the liquor store, but that's when I started crying; so I thought I'd better come home and hug the dog instead.
I've decided not to try for any kind of relationship or dating for awhile. I need some time to settle into my identity. I've been dating John, and he's been abusive to me, for 4 years. That's since I was 21. I was supposed to discover myself at least a little bit during that time, but I was, instead, trying to make him accept me or treat me the way I deserved to be treated. I need to take care of myself for the first time in my life. I've never been able to do that. I hope I'm able to do that.
I was going to say that I'm the lowest I've been in a long, long time. But I just thought about that and realized that if John called me right now, saying that he's thought about everything and realized I was right and that he's changed and that he will do anything to be with me, even if it's just to kiss me at midnight because he doesn't give a shit about leaving his newfound friends in Denver, that I'd hang up on him. That's a pretty far cry from where I was even a few weeks ago.
Everything in my life is up in the air right now. I have been looking at it as chaos, but I just had the epiphany that it's basically a million opportunities.
I think I might want to go to Europe instead of New York.