I give up
So I lost my dignity. I basically cried and let the heartache consume me, and then I showed John. I hate the whole 'losing the power' thing, but it evidently exists; I got a lot of "aw"s from John and a lot of pity; I sat on his lap like a little girl and cried several times.
I hate myself for this.
Nothing's going right. I hate the whole business thing and am not a business person; the more I promote myself, the less I believe in myself. I'm living in my parents' house still and I feel like a little kid; I'm not making any money, so I have no idea how the hell I'm going to get out of here any time soon.
I literally don't see much of a reason to stick around. I'm not going to kill myself, but I wish I could just put myself out of my misery. I hate my life. I hate everything about it.
I don't even want to see John at this point. It's ruined because I showed how much i care, and I don't think he cares the same amount. He told me that he's sad, but maybe not as sad as me, because he didn't want to undervalue my sadness; nothing like making me feel alone in the depth of my emotion.
I feel lost. I wish i could move on, but it's hard to move on when I have nothing to move on to.
Why can't I just give up.
I don't even feel like crying. My face feels hollow.
I just can't even fucking believe myself. I told him my dream last night, that I dreamed we were getting married and then I woke up crying. His response (text message): "Aw, I would totally marry you. We are very resilient people." Great. What the fuck is wrong with me? I deserved that response.
We're so far from where we were. We're in no-man's land. I just want to throw my phone.
I told him that we just shouldn't talk until he finds an apartment. I had wanted to renegotiate. But this is better. And, I'm going to try as hard as humanly possible to get on with my life without him, because right now, it's all me. I don't have a place I can go to get away from the world for x number of hours every day, like he does. I need to get over him, I think. I've made it impossible to do that thus far, but he hasn't really shown me that he cares as much as I do, so that'll probably help me; I feel like I'm all alone in this. So, I'll get myself out of it.
Shitty thing is that this all started out because I was upset with him. Now, look at how much it's changed. I just sacrifice my frustration, try to be as understanding as possible, and then it all comes down to the fact that I'm the only one hanging on here for dear life.
I've held on for too long. I hate myself for so many reasons.
Fuck everything - relationships, work, home, etc. There's nothing left to me except for memories. I have nothing anymore.
I hate myself for this.
Nothing's going right. I hate the whole business thing and am not a business person; the more I promote myself, the less I believe in myself. I'm living in my parents' house still and I feel like a little kid; I'm not making any money, so I have no idea how the hell I'm going to get out of here any time soon.
I literally don't see much of a reason to stick around. I'm not going to kill myself, but I wish I could just put myself out of my misery. I hate my life. I hate everything about it.
I don't even want to see John at this point. It's ruined because I showed how much i care, and I don't think he cares the same amount. He told me that he's sad, but maybe not as sad as me, because he didn't want to undervalue my sadness; nothing like making me feel alone in the depth of my emotion.
I feel lost. I wish i could move on, but it's hard to move on when I have nothing to move on to.
Why can't I just give up.
I don't even feel like crying. My face feels hollow.
I just can't even fucking believe myself. I told him my dream last night, that I dreamed we were getting married and then I woke up crying. His response (text message): "Aw, I would totally marry you. We are very resilient people." Great. What the fuck is wrong with me? I deserved that response.
We're so far from where we were. We're in no-man's land. I just want to throw my phone.
I told him that we just shouldn't talk until he finds an apartment. I had wanted to renegotiate. But this is better. And, I'm going to try as hard as humanly possible to get on with my life without him, because right now, it's all me. I don't have a place I can go to get away from the world for x number of hours every day, like he does. I need to get over him, I think. I've made it impossible to do that thus far, but he hasn't really shown me that he cares as much as I do, so that'll probably help me; I feel like I'm all alone in this. So, I'll get myself out of it.
Shitty thing is that this all started out because I was upset with him. Now, look at how much it's changed. I just sacrifice my frustration, try to be as understanding as possible, and then it all comes down to the fact that I'm the only one hanging on here for dear life.
I've held on for too long. I hate myself for so many reasons.
Fuck everything - relationships, work, home, etc. There's nothing left to me except for memories. I have nothing anymore.