When Does It Get Easier?
And I feel like I'm crumbling. I'm sitting in "my room," at "my desk" in my parents' house. And I'm reminded of a time before I moved in with John. And I remembered the day I moved in. John was here, helping me pack up my stuff. I don't want to be back here. I want to be with him. This hurts so much. I wish I could beg John to change, to be right for me - to make us work. I wish he could be here and make it all better. I don't feel okay. I feel lost without him. I know what I want to do with my life, but I feel lost without John in it. I want him.
I want him.
I'm so sad. God, I miss him so much. This month can't pass quickly enough.
I should get out of the house. Sitting here isn't helping anything.
I moved my stuff out of Liz's house yesterday. I can't take Justin hitting on me anymore. Two girls have gotten pregnant in that room and both have left without a word, basically. The last girl left all of her stuff - her television, her furniture, her drum set, her make up, all her shoes and clothes; there was a duffel bag half-packed laying in the middle of the floor. I joked that it looked like she ran for her life. I can't make any assumptions, but I already felt uncomfortable with his advances. And, in the words of my mother, all of that isn't kosher.
It's everything I can do to not go back there, though. I don't want to be here anymore. It's painful to be at this desk again, without knowing that everything will be okay with us. I want my Johnny. I want to at least send him a text.
But I can't. Because if I do, then I'll prove myself weak to myself. I'll prove to myself that I'm irrational. I need to be an adult. I need to make smart decisions. I was unhappy in that relationship. We just didn't get along. And this is my opportunity to start over with him...if I only wait a month. I just wish it didn't hurt so fucking much. I feel so sad and alone. Not lonely. But alone.
I want him.
I'm so sad. God, I miss him so much. This month can't pass quickly enough.
I should get out of the house. Sitting here isn't helping anything.
I moved my stuff out of Liz's house yesterday. I can't take Justin hitting on me anymore. Two girls have gotten pregnant in that room and both have left without a word, basically. The last girl left all of her stuff - her television, her furniture, her drum set, her make up, all her shoes and clothes; there was a duffel bag half-packed laying in the middle of the floor. I joked that it looked like she ran for her life. I can't make any assumptions, but I already felt uncomfortable with his advances. And, in the words of my mother, all of that isn't kosher.
It's everything I can do to not go back there, though. I don't want to be here anymore. It's painful to be at this desk again, without knowing that everything will be okay with us. I want my Johnny. I want to at least send him a text.
But I can't. Because if I do, then I'll prove myself weak to myself. I'll prove to myself that I'm irrational. I need to be an adult. I need to make smart decisions. I was unhappy in that relationship. We just didn't get along. And this is my opportunity to start over with him...if I only wait a month. I just wish it didn't hurt so fucking much. I feel so sad and alone. Not lonely. But alone.