Who is Mary J. Blige and why did she write a song about me?
I'm so sick of all the drama - it's ruining my life. I feel like such a pain in the ass to my friends and so self-involved all the time. I feel like all of a sudden, the world exploded when it was just so wonderful. Quinn and Katrina have been more supportive than I could ever possibly ask them to be - Quinn's been text messaging me and Katrina's been calling. God, I don't know what I would do without the support of my friends - they've been unbelievable. The next time I feel lonely or unloved, I need to remember that they've been here for me when I really needed them to be. It means so much.
John's birthday weekend went fairly well, but today, it ended fairly abruptly because he didn't feel well. He didn't explain this to me and it felt like I was just being ushered out of his house. I nearly broke up with him afterward, telling him I was unhappy, that I felt unappreciated and that I can't go to bed crying anymore or feeling as though talking to him might lead to him becoming angry with me at any moment. I told him I felt unloved because someone who loves me would not treat me like he has and that I can't deal with it anymore because it's breaking my heart. We texted (texted is actually in the dictionary now - crazy, isn't it?) back and forth for about three hours and then finally spoke on the phone - he thought I was breaking up with him.
So, we're trying it again. And then I'm sure we'll try it again and again. As long as there aren't any more arguments like those we've had recently, we might work. I don't want to be dramatic like this all the time. I don't want a crazy relationship and to be unhappy. I'm so so tired of it. I want to go back to being happy and silly and interesting, so that I can talk to friends about fun and interesting and happy things - I hate this negativity. Sure, problems are fine once in ahwile, but this has gone overboard and crazy. Patrick told me my relationship is abusive, Katrina keeps telling me that maybe it just isn't working and that he's making me doubt myself far too much. Quinn says he's incredibly self-absorbed. Emily told me he just doesn't get it. Carin is getting divorced because she married a guy she said treated her similarly. I don't want this. Enough of the crazy drama! My brother and Hannah (thank you for your last comment, Hannah) both said that I'm an awesome person, but I don't feel awesome anymore. The awesomeness feels drained and my creativity is drying up with this insanity.
If our last discussion was productive and I can feel like I have been feeling for the past four months, wherein I was so happy that I wanted to live and spend the rest of my life with this man, life would be okay and happy again. Life would be more than just worth living.
Some text messages of note:
Katrina: Oh no please don't tell me that there is no party Tasha left!
Katrina: You don't suck at anything. I am sure that you are fine. You are someone who everyone loves.
Katrina: Sorry I went and took a shower. You can only move to an island if I can come too. And then we can't name it sad island!
Carin: Can u explain 2 me how the fuck im supposed 2 spend the rest of my life with someone I can't trust?
Katrina: Love bug are you okay?
Emily: No I don't think you need to put yourself in a situation like that for him. That's not fair to you and she should understand that.
Quinn: He's going to have to grow out of his frat house mentality if he's serious about you
Quinn: Yeah I would be very pissed right now if I were you
Katrina: I am sure there is nothing wrong with you. I don't like how your relationship with John makes you doubt the wonderful person that you are
Quinn: He's doing that? That is not okay at all. That makes me REALLY angry. I think you're right in wanting to break things off, and I totally support you in doing that. Just don't let him try to assuade you into changing your mind with empty promises. I know you guys love each other but it seems like this relationship is more trouble than it's worth
Quinn: How is it your fault? Don't put all the blame on yourself. Your feelin uncomfortable is the product of the fighting and unresolved issues
And some messages from my conversation with John today:
John: I see, well hopefully we make the reality the fantasy world you felt
John: Well, I care so much about you maybe I'm not coming across clearly, but I feel like this week will help.
John: Just think that maybe more time together will show you I'm the same guy from before and that I am just as caring and into you.
John: I'm sorry, I didn't realize that it began to feel like I didn't understand you
John: All there was to us is gone?
John: I hope you find someone who treats you as good as you should be treated
John: I wish I had not broken that promise. I wanted to make you feel amazing always. I love you so much.
John: I wish it could have lasted forever; I wish we coul simply just rebuild it better everytime it broke
John: I'm sorry you feel that way. I would have done anything I could
John: It was, I'm sorry. I understand more what you are seeing. I am sorry. I was in pain and did not think clearly. It is no excuse. I'm sorry
John: I'm not angry, nor will I get angry. I'm sorry that I have conditioned you to believe it will come
John: I love you. I want you to feel safe and happy. I love making you happy
John: You are all I want. I am sorry for making you feel otherwise. it is not the truth
John: I love you too. Are you saying goodbye then? I am so sorry I failed you. [how shitty would it be to break up with him over text message?]
John: I have tried to live for us. I am sorry that you do not see that. I love you. Thank you for all you have done. I'm sorry that I failed you. God how I love you.
John: I am terribl sorry that I make you feel that way ever.
John: You are my heart. I will never feel like I do for you with anyone. I wish I had not broken us.
John: I want to keep you. I am so sorry I break you. I truly am Lenny (mice and men) and I am so sorry
John: I love you so; I always will. I'm sorry I hope the best for you. You are so amazing
Then, hours after we talked:
John: I want us to be happy. I know we can be. I love you so very much.
John: I love you. I will try everything. I want us to work
John: I love you. I'm all yours. I will do what I can to make sure you feel loved and appreciated. I'm sorry that has not gotten through
Ugh. The craziness. Anyhow, I am singing at a retirement home tomorrow, which should be interesting. So, I better get some sleep. I hope I don't have to talk about problems with John for a very long time. The subject is pushing the limits of my sanity.
John's birthday weekend went fairly well, but today, it ended fairly abruptly because he didn't feel well. He didn't explain this to me and it felt like I was just being ushered out of his house. I nearly broke up with him afterward, telling him I was unhappy, that I felt unappreciated and that I can't go to bed crying anymore or feeling as though talking to him might lead to him becoming angry with me at any moment. I told him I felt unloved because someone who loves me would not treat me like he has and that I can't deal with it anymore because it's breaking my heart. We texted (texted is actually in the dictionary now - crazy, isn't it?) back and forth for about three hours and then finally spoke on the phone - he thought I was breaking up with him.
So, we're trying it again. And then I'm sure we'll try it again and again. As long as there aren't any more arguments like those we've had recently, we might work. I don't want to be dramatic like this all the time. I don't want a crazy relationship and to be unhappy. I'm so so tired of it. I want to go back to being happy and silly and interesting, so that I can talk to friends about fun and interesting and happy things - I hate this negativity. Sure, problems are fine once in ahwile, but this has gone overboard and crazy. Patrick told me my relationship is abusive, Katrina keeps telling me that maybe it just isn't working and that he's making me doubt myself far too much. Quinn says he's incredibly self-absorbed. Emily told me he just doesn't get it. Carin is getting divorced because she married a guy she said treated her similarly. I don't want this. Enough of the crazy drama! My brother and Hannah (thank you for your last comment, Hannah) both said that I'm an awesome person, but I don't feel awesome anymore. The awesomeness feels drained and my creativity is drying up with this insanity.
If our last discussion was productive and I can feel like I have been feeling for the past four months, wherein I was so happy that I wanted to live and spend the rest of my life with this man, life would be okay and happy again. Life would be more than just worth living.
Some text messages of note:
Katrina: Oh no please don't tell me that there is no party Tasha left!
Katrina: You don't suck at anything. I am sure that you are fine. You are someone who everyone loves.
Katrina: Sorry I went and took a shower. You can only move to an island if I can come too. And then we can't name it sad island!
Carin: Can u explain 2 me how the fuck im supposed 2 spend the rest of my life with someone I can't trust?
Katrina: Love bug are you okay?
Emily: No I don't think you need to put yourself in a situation like that for him. That's not fair to you and she should understand that.
Quinn: He's going to have to grow out of his frat house mentality if he's serious about you
Quinn: Yeah I would be very pissed right now if I were you
Katrina: I am sure there is nothing wrong with you. I don't like how your relationship with John makes you doubt the wonderful person that you are
Quinn: He's doing that? That is not okay at all. That makes me REALLY angry. I think you're right in wanting to break things off, and I totally support you in doing that. Just don't let him try to assuade you into changing your mind with empty promises. I know you guys love each other but it seems like this relationship is more trouble than it's worth
Quinn: How is it your fault? Don't put all the blame on yourself. Your feelin uncomfortable is the product of the fighting and unresolved issues
And some messages from my conversation with John today:
John: I see, well hopefully we make the reality the fantasy world you felt
John: Well, I care so much about you maybe I'm not coming across clearly, but I feel like this week will help.
John: Just think that maybe more time together will show you I'm the same guy from before and that I am just as caring and into you.
John: I'm sorry, I didn't realize that it began to feel like I didn't understand you
John: All there was to us is gone?
John: I hope you find someone who treats you as good as you should be treated
John: I wish I had not broken that promise. I wanted to make you feel amazing always. I love you so much.
John: I wish it could have lasted forever; I wish we coul simply just rebuild it better everytime it broke
John: I'm sorry you feel that way. I would have done anything I could
John: It was, I'm sorry. I understand more what you are seeing. I am sorry. I was in pain and did not think clearly. It is no excuse. I'm sorry
John: I'm not angry, nor will I get angry. I'm sorry that I have conditioned you to believe it will come
John: I love you. I want you to feel safe and happy. I love making you happy
John: You are all I want. I am sorry for making you feel otherwise. it is not the truth
John: I love you too. Are you saying goodbye then? I am so sorry I failed you. [how shitty would it be to break up with him over text message?]
John: I have tried to live for us. I am sorry that you do not see that. I love you. Thank you for all you have done. I'm sorry that I failed you. God how I love you.
John: I am terribl sorry that I make you feel that way ever.
John: You are my heart. I will never feel like I do for you with anyone. I wish I had not broken us.
John: I want to keep you. I am so sorry I break you. I truly am Lenny (mice and men) and I am so sorry
John: I love you so; I always will. I'm sorry I hope the best for you. You are so amazing
Then, hours after we talked:
John: I want us to be happy. I know we can be. I love you so very much.
John: I love you. I will try everything. I want us to work
John: I love you. I'm all yours. I will do what I can to make sure you feel loved and appreciated. I'm sorry that has not gotten through
Ugh. The craziness. Anyhow, I am singing at a retirement home tomorrow, which should be interesting. So, I better get some sleep. I hope I don't have to talk about problems with John for a very long time. The subject is pushing the limits of my sanity.