(no subject)
so many emotions, memories, and theories keep running through my head. i thought i had finally gotten rid of some of them but as you can tell from my more recent entries they are back and nagging me as relentlessly as ever. i dont know why. i'm not sure what has brought them about again. I guess most likely because i'm in my first relationship since the breakup. I def do not want to repeat the same mistakes and i'm scared to have my heart broken again so i guess its only natural that i would draw upon occurrences from prior relationships. But something weird happened. Jessica believes in signs and is always the first to point them out to me. And i guess she's right. The other day i decided i was over at lawson's hanging out. he was waiting for a friend to call but this friend was being very lackadaisical so i suggested we go get a snowball while we waited. For some reason, i'm not really sure why i asked lawson if he would drive my car. So off we were to Plum St. but when we arrived it was closed so we decided we could daiquiris instead. We get to the place and there is less than ample parking and lawson doesn't know how to take direction while driving so we wind up going around the block out of our way. Then out of the corner of my eye i happened to see a car that looked familiar... well you can guess whose it was. I didn't really think anything of it at first or really for a while until i was telling Jess the story- had i driven instead of lawson, had the snowball stand been open, had there been a parking spot, had we just decided to go home or another snowball stand instead, has his friend called back when she said she would, etc etc... i never would have seen his car that day. But i did. And so of course i facebooked and see his address has changed. I never drive down that street, in fact i think it was the first time i've ever been down that part of that street. And i dont want to know where he lives. He has made every effort to make himself distant and out of my life and i am content to allow him to do so. i guess... or maybe not if i'm going to cosmically continue to involve myself... AAAHHH I'm delusional time for bed i guess... summer school sucks but at least i'll be done a month. good night and sweet dreams to you all. much love - amanda