(no subject)
What do you do when you can not move on? What do you tell yourself when you've run out of excuses? Where do you go when you've got no where else to run? What do you do when you realize you've been lying to yourself all along? How do you tell your heart to stop aching?
I love Lawson. But what if that isn't enough. What if caring about someone isn't what is going to make you happy? I can't stand the way i feel right now. I'm so conflicted inside. I dont know what will make me happy. I dont know how to be happy. I've found a true love in my life and i miss him so much. I'm not sure what i miss about him. Maybe his arms around me. Maybe the longing look in his eyes. Maybe the way he made me feel about myself.
I have had all day to go over and visit with Lawson and bring him some soup (he's not feeling well) but i have no desire to. I dont care to see him. In fact i'm thinking of leaving for school tomorrow instead of Sunday so that i have an excuse to not see him before I leave. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!?!?!?! The other day he got mad at me for a legitimate reason and i cried all day at the thought if loosing him. But today, i dont feel the slightest emotion for him.
On the other hand. I've been thinking about Him a lot and i get goose bumps constantly. Yet, i haven't seen him since the day we broke up and am not sure i'll ever see him again. I'm not sure i ever want to see him again. I am pretty confident in the fact that he is happy and i that is all that i've ever wanted for him. I would never want to come in the way of that and if me not in his life is working well for him that i would never try to impose on that. I just can't help wondering... how was his day today... how was school this past semester... how is Emma doing... stupid things that are of no consequence to me but... i would love to know... Why do i care about him so much? After everything he has put me through? I guess it is the same situation with women who are beaten and dont leave their husbands. I was emotionally abused yet i had the courage to leave... and sort of regret it every day...
I was watching the movie Stepmom last night. I love it. It makes me cry every time i see it. But towards the end when Susan Sarandon gives her kids their presents she knows that this will be her last Christmas with her kids. It made me wonder whether it is better to know when you're dying or if it is sudden. I wonder if my mom would rather have known that my dad wasn't going to come home that day. I almost asked. But then thought better of it. Of course she would have been able to say 'I love you' one more time. But the agony of knowing that she would not see him alive again would surly be much worse than the shock of just hearing that he had gone. Sort of the band aid method. Tear it off quickly and it hurts much less than the slow agonizing hair pulling method. I know its not exactly, or nearly, the same scenario but its the only thing i really think to equate the two situations.
I met Him a year ago. And i never thought my world would have been changed sooo much. Almost a year ago today i was on one of the top floors of a Tulane dorm watching the sun rise. One of the most beautiful moments in my entire life. Little did i know at the time how far down i would fall i after that night. A lot has changed and a lot has stayed the same. I still dont know who i am or what i want out of life. But i guess I'm no further away from finding those answers. I miss him. I dont really know what to do anymore. I've tried hiding, distractions, lying to myself, and almost anything else i could think of to make him as far as possible.
I know i've been pretty vague... but any advice for a love sick mess???
I love Lawson. But what if that isn't enough. What if caring about someone isn't what is going to make you happy? I can't stand the way i feel right now. I'm so conflicted inside. I dont know what will make me happy. I dont know how to be happy. I've found a true love in my life and i miss him so much. I'm not sure what i miss about him. Maybe his arms around me. Maybe the longing look in his eyes. Maybe the way he made me feel about myself.
I have had all day to go over and visit with Lawson and bring him some soup (he's not feeling well) but i have no desire to. I dont care to see him. In fact i'm thinking of leaving for school tomorrow instead of Sunday so that i have an excuse to not see him before I leave. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!?!?!?! The other day he got mad at me for a legitimate reason and i cried all day at the thought if loosing him. But today, i dont feel the slightest emotion for him.
On the other hand. I've been thinking about Him a lot and i get goose bumps constantly. Yet, i haven't seen him since the day we broke up and am not sure i'll ever see him again. I'm not sure i ever want to see him again. I am pretty confident in the fact that he is happy and i that is all that i've ever wanted for him. I would never want to come in the way of that and if me not in his life is working well for him that i would never try to impose on that. I just can't help wondering... how was his day today... how was school this past semester... how is Emma doing... stupid things that are of no consequence to me but... i would love to know... Why do i care about him so much? After everything he has put me through? I guess it is the same situation with women who are beaten and dont leave their husbands. I was emotionally abused yet i had the courage to leave... and sort of regret it every day...
I was watching the movie Stepmom last night. I love it. It makes me cry every time i see it. But towards the end when Susan Sarandon gives her kids their presents she knows that this will be her last Christmas with her kids. It made me wonder whether it is better to know when you're dying or if it is sudden. I wonder if my mom would rather have known that my dad wasn't going to come home that day. I almost asked. But then thought better of it. Of course she would have been able to say 'I love you' one more time. But the agony of knowing that she would not see him alive again would surly be much worse than the shock of just hearing that he had gone. Sort of the band aid method. Tear it off quickly and it hurts much less than the slow agonizing hair pulling method. I know its not exactly, or nearly, the same scenario but its the only thing i really think to equate the two situations.
I met Him a year ago. And i never thought my world would have been changed sooo much. Almost a year ago today i was on one of the top floors of a Tulane dorm watching the sun rise. One of the most beautiful moments in my entire life. Little did i know at the time how far down i would fall i after that night. A lot has changed and a lot has stayed the same. I still dont know who i am or what i want out of life. But i guess I'm no further away from finding those answers. I miss him. I dont really know what to do anymore. I've tried hiding, distractions, lying to myself, and almost anything else i could think of to make him as far as possible.
I know i've been pretty vague... but any advice for a love sick mess???