A Perfect Storm
I feel an increasing sense of vulnerability when I am with Bruno, when I am lying in bed with him with my head on his chest and his arms around me. This sense of vulnerability spreads through the heart like a match catching fire in the silence between conversations. It goes away when he says something that makes me laugh, when we talk about some other personal thing; and it comes back again when he murmurs into my hair, 'Why do I like you so much?' When he looks at me and says, 'You are so pretty.' When he holds me close to him, plants a kiss on my forehead. When he kisses me delicately, sweetly.
Sometimes I feel like a dried flower, crumbling in his palm. I want him to close it around me, but I am afraid of the power that he holds in his hand - the power that he has over me, the power to walk away. I am afraid of his retreating back. This fear of being hurt by a man is especially acute with him and I don't know what is its cause. Is it this sudden surge of feelings like a storm, waves beating fiercely against my ship? Is it my unwitting lowering of my defences in those intimate moments when we are lying in bed together, digging deeper and deeper beneath each other's skins?
I don't want to care how he feels about me, but I do. I want to take a step back to halt this steady progression towards a state that could loosely be called 'in love', but I feel as if I can't. Why do I like him so much? What is it about him that makes me feel so comfortable and yet with a nigging sense of insecurity as well? Why is it that I feel like I can be completely defenceless with him when I have no guarantee from him that I can feel this way? He makes me feel so safe; and yet, I am afraid that he would take it away.
It's three nights in a row now that I have left his place at an ungodly hour in the morning, and so three nights in a row that we've had these intimate conversations. Is my worry that it is progressing too fast a product of my experiences? Is it because I know how quickly things can change, that the interest that two people have in each other can dissipate, just like that? More to the point - that the interest, once mutual, can mutate and fade, and leave one in despair?
I want to sleep with him so badly; and it is because of how much I want it that I will keep waiting. I will wait, hoping that we meet each other halfway.
Sometimes I feel like a dried flower, crumbling in his palm. I want him to close it around me, but I am afraid of the power that he holds in his hand - the power that he has over me, the power to walk away. I am afraid of his retreating back. This fear of being hurt by a man is especially acute with him and I don't know what is its cause. Is it this sudden surge of feelings like a storm, waves beating fiercely against my ship? Is it my unwitting lowering of my defences in those intimate moments when we are lying in bed together, digging deeper and deeper beneath each other's skins?
I don't want to care how he feels about me, but I do. I want to take a step back to halt this steady progression towards a state that could loosely be called 'in love', but I feel as if I can't. Why do I like him so much? What is it about him that makes me feel so comfortable and yet with a nigging sense of insecurity as well? Why is it that I feel like I can be completely defenceless with him when I have no guarantee from him that I can feel this way? He makes me feel so safe; and yet, I am afraid that he would take it away.
It's three nights in a row now that I have left his place at an ungodly hour in the morning, and so three nights in a row that we've had these intimate conversations. Is my worry that it is progressing too fast a product of my experiences? Is it because I know how quickly things can change, that the interest that two people have in each other can dissipate, just like that? More to the point - that the interest, once mutual, can mutate and fade, and leave one in despair?
I want to sleep with him so badly; and it is because of how much I want it that I will keep waiting. I will wait, hoping that we meet each other halfway.