since i'm crazy anyway
alright, so i was thinking about how things are/were with him because, really, that's all i've been doing as of late. i think it's because it's been christmas time and i'm used to spending it with him. anyway, i'm wondering, how can i walk away from it all? i know it's silly of me, but i really thought we had a special love. i thought that we were going to change the world. maybe i was idealistic, but how do i know for sure? i thought that what we had was something that doesn't happen everyday.
so now, what if this is my true love and i'm losing it? how do you just say, "okay, that's life, i'll have to deal with it, even though i know it's unfair and not right." how do you just give up the fight? how do you give up all the good? especially when it really wasn't outweighed by the bad? how the hell do you give up on love? love of all things in this world? the most pure, the most good and beautiful thing in the world, how do you say so long to that?
i guess if i could find reason in it, this might not be so hard. but i've searched and searched and questioned so much, and i just can't. maybe it is because i still love him, maybe if it were the other way around, i wouldn't be thinking this way. but really, how can you give up love to be alone, to be young? it seems so silly and contrary to what love is about.
and so now, i want to hang out with him, show him how awesome i am, show him the girl he fell in love with so long ago. but first of all, that would be deceiving. i can't say "i'm gonna be your friend" all the while trying to make you love me again. second, it would be bad for me because if it didn't work, i would be even more crushed and sad. at this point, i can say, "well he doesn't know how i really am, so things could still work." you know, it's just not final. but if i tried and failed, well then it would be final. but the third and most important reason i can't do this is because it's not real unless he feels it too, without me trying to convince him and change the way he feels and make him see it through my eyes. he would have to do it on his own, and well that's just not going to happen.
i just want one more chance.
i'm so afraid that i'm going to end up like my brother. he's still in love with candace, i know it. and i know that he hates the fact that he didn't try harder, that he let things go. ten fucking years have gone by and he still wonders if he should have stayed with her. but it's too late now. she found someone else, she has a baby now. it's over. but he still loves her. and to me, that is horrible, that is heartbreaking. it is so lame.
so what do i do from here? i want to fight for this love that seems so worth it, but at the same time, i know that i can't make him feel it. i can't make him remember the carefree feeling of being in love. i can't make him remember the feeling of adventure of exploring things together, of facing the world together (which i know now that we did have). i can't make him remember the time my love overwhelmed me and i wrote out in the sand that i loved him, big enough for everyone to see. i can't make him remember the smile on our faces whenever we were together. i can't make him remember any of the things that made our love what it was if he doesn't want to remember. and even if he were to remember it all, there's no guarantee that he would want it back. maybe it just wasn't that special to him afterall.
but i look at all we want to do now, all our plans, and i think, "wow, how much more awesome (awesomer?) would these things be if we could be there for each other, with each other, giving encouragement, sharing in the excitement of young lives, the endless possibilities." but that is the one possibility i guess we don't have.
and that breaks my heart.
so now, what if this is my true love and i'm losing it? how do you just say, "okay, that's life, i'll have to deal with it, even though i know it's unfair and not right." how do you just give up the fight? how do you give up all the good? especially when it really wasn't outweighed by the bad? how the hell do you give up on love? love of all things in this world? the most pure, the most good and beautiful thing in the world, how do you say so long to that?
i guess if i could find reason in it, this might not be so hard. but i've searched and searched and questioned so much, and i just can't. maybe it is because i still love him, maybe if it were the other way around, i wouldn't be thinking this way. but really, how can you give up love to be alone, to be young? it seems so silly and contrary to what love is about.
and so now, i want to hang out with him, show him how awesome i am, show him the girl he fell in love with so long ago. but first of all, that would be deceiving. i can't say "i'm gonna be your friend" all the while trying to make you love me again. second, it would be bad for me because if it didn't work, i would be even more crushed and sad. at this point, i can say, "well he doesn't know how i really am, so things could still work." you know, it's just not final. but if i tried and failed, well then it would be final. but the third and most important reason i can't do this is because it's not real unless he feels it too, without me trying to convince him and change the way he feels and make him see it through my eyes. he would have to do it on his own, and well that's just not going to happen.
i just want one more chance.
i'm so afraid that i'm going to end up like my brother. he's still in love with candace, i know it. and i know that he hates the fact that he didn't try harder, that he let things go. ten fucking years have gone by and he still wonders if he should have stayed with her. but it's too late now. she found someone else, she has a baby now. it's over. but he still loves her. and to me, that is horrible, that is heartbreaking. it is so lame.
so what do i do from here? i want to fight for this love that seems so worth it, but at the same time, i know that i can't make him feel it. i can't make him remember the carefree feeling of being in love. i can't make him remember the feeling of adventure of exploring things together, of facing the world together (which i know now that we did have). i can't make him remember the time my love overwhelmed me and i wrote out in the sand that i loved him, big enough for everyone to see. i can't make him remember the smile on our faces whenever we were together. i can't make him remember any of the things that made our love what it was if he doesn't want to remember. and even if he were to remember it all, there's no guarantee that he would want it back. maybe it just wasn't that special to him afterall.
but i look at all we want to do now, all our plans, and i think, "wow, how much more awesome (awesomer?) would these things be if we could be there for each other, with each other, giving encouragement, sharing in the excitement of young lives, the endless possibilities." but that is the one possibility i guess we don't have.
and that breaks my heart.