:(
There are so many things in my past I wish I could undo. People I wish I could unhurt. Sometimes stupid little things happen that remind me what an extremely horrible and selfish person I use to be and how no matter what I do or how hard I try will never be able to "fix" those relationships back to how they were. I apologized. I tried to explain that I don't know what the fuck I was thinking back then. I guess the pain of regret is what I'm feeling; and it cuts very very deep. I miss the friends I use to have. I love and hate Facebook, sometimes I think I should just get the fuck off of there but then I wouldn't see what little glimpses I can get of the friends I use to love, I still love, but no longer love me. I occasionally will answer the casual comments on my random wall crap with invitations... call me... let me take you to lunch... anything... and then semi-obsessively check for a response that I full well know will never come. But a girl can hope. I know that I just dropped off the face of the earth when I met Chris. He use to be semi-crazy about cutting me off from people he saw as connected to my ex-husband. [I realize how unhealthy that sounds.] He is much better about everything now, we both have grown a lot... but I'm starting to see that the bridges that were burned probably won't ever be built back. And my heart aches with the pain of it. Cus its entirely my fault. And I know it.