ugh...
The moment I wake up this morning I got that familiar nausea that comes from stress. I'm not too sure why this time. I'm not really bothered a whole lot by much right now. Maybe Phil got me sick.....
Fucker.
Any way I'm home now. Thanks to Lar and Erin for picking me up. I kinda felt outa the loop when they were talking about a lot of stuff, but hey I can work around that. It just takes a little effort. They're going to the Gozzling show tonight, which sounds worth going to. I haven't really heard how they sound sense they changed their name from Loudermilk. So that sounds fun. I didn't wanna invite myself with Lar and Erin cause it sounds like their going with their friend's. I might just go by myself to do something other than sit around. I tried calling kyle to see if he wanted to go, but alas he is broke. I might go hang out with him. I might not be ready to see Lar in flirt mode yet. But fuck me sideways if I'm gonna do anything to upset her again. Kinda weird going back to friends. There's a whole lot of emotion I still need to find a place and a use for. Fuck, I need a hobby.
Update on random events in my life. A chick I know in Portland(fuckin)Oregon told me recently that I handle women poorly. I'm sure this is partially true, but then she went into great detail about it....
I objectify them.
I manipulate them.
I use them.
I push my pent up anger on them.
I lie threw my teeth to them.
Shit, man. I knew I wasn't a prized catch but that one still hurt a bit. She's a friend, and this was just her observations on how I interact with her roomates and such. Bleh. I needs to make some revisions to my personality again. Both Erin and Lar give me looks like I'm a fucking goober now. I've been hanging out with too many nerds....Emotional scalpel time!! Gotta go watch House first so I can pretent I know what I'm talking about tho. It's weird how every once in a while when you wanna just remake yourself for the hell of it. As of late I've had so much time on my hands I had to find things to do. I fixed my tower so it's kinda alive, just need internet now. Brian is gone so there was one less person to hang out with. Sure he was a bit of a nerd, but he sure as hell tried his best to be a friend to me. So I don't care if some gooberness in me came from him. I enjoyed meeting him. Phil was god awful sick, and Heather was hunting my ass to help move her shit and possibly rape me (not even if my cock was gonna fall off if I didn't). Quincie, Liz, and Marie are all gone for the holidays. Joe is all chummy with his g/f (fucking sickening after a bit I tell you). So in my lack of company I probably spent at least $40 in texts to Lar (still love texting her, makes the day better) and had to find other ways of amusing myself. I beat ff9 again, and got around a 4th of the way threw lunar2.
Then, after all that was said and done, I still had too much "ian time" to not go introspective. I've been....less happy than usual, and tired all the time, and I'm kinda sick of it. I don't like how I loose sense of self in dire situations. I've been lost inside my own head for too long. I withdrew from everything so much it's hard getting back into who I was. Kinda like putting a glove on backwards. I need to find out who I am now, I need new music, new style, new things to do....or something. I need to find out how Larissa can just know the things about herself that I can hardly ever find out about myself.(random though: Lar is still so damned hot, fucking-A I was lucky)
It's really hard talking to any one in general now. Not just Lar. I need to stop being such a pussy and just do something. I kinda wanna stop by Southridge and talk to people I haven't seen in a while, but Erin informed me coming to school would not be a good idea...Still don't know why. (goddamnit my stomach feels all fucking weird now.) You know what I just thought? (pointless to ask, but I felt the need) I really hate how no matter what everything I do is half assed or just not good enough. Shit never works in my life. My computer, my van (the dash broke), my ps2, the internet, my cell (speakers have been fucking up), my relationships, my personality, more shit that I can complain about that I don't even care to list because of pointlessness and lack of motivation. I don't enjoy being me any more, I lived it up too much in my senior year to even want to compair my life now to then.
After highschool, you know what I became everyone? A looser. College doesn't mean shit, your just being a student for longer trying to avoid life. I can't hold or get a job. I can't even keep myself happy, how can I expect me to keep other people happy. I love how all my thoughts become a shitshoot straight to depression.
Help me out here people. I'm pissing away life, and I have a hard time stopping.
Fucker.
Any way I'm home now. Thanks to Lar and Erin for picking me up. I kinda felt outa the loop when they were talking about a lot of stuff, but hey I can work around that. It just takes a little effort. They're going to the Gozzling show tonight, which sounds worth going to. I haven't really heard how they sound sense they changed their name from Loudermilk. So that sounds fun. I didn't wanna invite myself with Lar and Erin cause it sounds like their going with their friend's. I might just go by myself to do something other than sit around. I tried calling kyle to see if he wanted to go, but alas he is broke. I might go hang out with him. I might not be ready to see Lar in flirt mode yet. But fuck me sideways if I'm gonna do anything to upset her again. Kinda weird going back to friends. There's a whole lot of emotion I still need to find a place and a use for. Fuck, I need a hobby.
Update on random events in my life. A chick I know in Portland(fuckin)Oregon told me recently that I handle women poorly. I'm sure this is partially true, but then she went into great detail about it....
I objectify them.
I manipulate them.
I use them.
I push my pent up anger on them.
I lie threw my teeth to them.
Shit, man. I knew I wasn't a prized catch but that one still hurt a bit. She's a friend, and this was just her observations on how I interact with her roomates and such. Bleh. I needs to make some revisions to my personality again. Both Erin and Lar give me looks like I'm a fucking goober now. I've been hanging out with too many nerds....Emotional scalpel time!! Gotta go watch House first so I can pretent I know what I'm talking about tho. It's weird how every once in a while when you wanna just remake yourself for the hell of it. As of late I've had so much time on my hands I had to find things to do. I fixed my tower so it's kinda alive, just need internet now. Brian is gone so there was one less person to hang out with. Sure he was a bit of a nerd, but he sure as hell tried his best to be a friend to me. So I don't care if some gooberness in me came from him. I enjoyed meeting him. Phil was god awful sick, and Heather was hunting my ass to help move her shit and possibly rape me (not even if my cock was gonna fall off if I didn't). Quincie, Liz, and Marie are all gone for the holidays. Joe is all chummy with his g/f (fucking sickening after a bit I tell you). So in my lack of company I probably spent at least $40 in texts to Lar (still love texting her, makes the day better) and had to find other ways of amusing myself. I beat ff9 again, and got around a 4th of the way threw lunar2.
Then, after all that was said and done, I still had too much "ian time" to not go introspective. I've been....less happy than usual, and tired all the time, and I'm kinda sick of it. I don't like how I loose sense of self in dire situations. I've been lost inside my own head for too long. I withdrew from everything so much it's hard getting back into who I was. Kinda like putting a glove on backwards. I need to find out who I am now, I need new music, new style, new things to do....or something. I need to find out how Larissa can just know the things about herself that I can hardly ever find out about myself.(random though: Lar is still so damned hot, fucking-A I was lucky)
It's really hard talking to any one in general now. Not just Lar. I need to stop being such a pussy and just do something. I kinda wanna stop by Southridge and talk to people I haven't seen in a while, but Erin informed me coming to school would not be a good idea...Still don't know why. (goddamnit my stomach feels all fucking weird now.) You know what I just thought? (pointless to ask, but I felt the need) I really hate how no matter what everything I do is half assed or just not good enough. Shit never works in my life. My computer, my van (the dash broke), my ps2, the internet, my cell (speakers have been fucking up), my relationships, my personality, more shit that I can complain about that I don't even care to list because of pointlessness and lack of motivation. I don't enjoy being me any more, I lived it up too much in my senior year to even want to compair my life now to then.
After highschool, you know what I became everyone? A looser. College doesn't mean shit, your just being a student for longer trying to avoid life. I can't hold or get a job. I can't even keep myself happy, how can I expect me to keep other people happy. I love how all my thoughts become a shitshoot straight to depression.
Help me out here people. I'm pissing away life, and I have a hard time stopping.