Need To get This Out - part one
Of my system. In the past I have found that writing here has help with depression and once again I find myself needed to do it again. I was doing well for a long time, but for more than a month I was dealing with some of the worst pain I have ever felt. I had two badly infected teeth; one was so bad that no matter what antibiotic they gave me if wouldn’t get better, one night a few weeks ago the pain, and lack of sleeping and eating got so bad that I had a physical reaction. I was in a lot of pain, tried to take a shower to maybe feel better, sometimes the heat mad it feel better. After I got out and was dressing I suddenly got weak, started to shake badly, fever, trouble talking, sick to my stomach and to be honest I thought I the infection got into my blood stream and I was dying, I had trouble staying awake on the trip to the ER, it was fucking scary. Well they gave me some pain meads and a few other things and I was better, for about 8 hours. I went to a dentist a few days later and they told me they couldn’t pull the teeth, they gave me a 24 hour pain shot (lasted 6 hours) and told me to call a place that was sliding scale, this is after going to another dentist that was free before but only does it once a week and couldn’t see me because I was late and due to a power outage they were really behind, tuff luck see ya later. The pain was so bad that I was taking a unsafe amount of pain pills that really didn’t help and at least three times I wanted to kill myself. I couldn’t take the pain. I’m no wuse, I live with daily pain; I have 3 herniated disks in my neck and some in my back. I’ve worked when I could hardly walk. I’ve cut my hand open with a knife and taped it up and went back to what I was doing. But this pain made me want to kill myself, the only thing that stopped me was two things, one I could picture Joe and Kat finding my dead body, the pill bottle next to the bed, also my new computer. It is the first nice expensive thing I was able to buy for myself for a really long time, the last thing I got that was really nice was maybe 8 years ago. I see people I know all the time getting nice thing, fun things, and I can’t get anything. I couldn’t afford stuff, I see people buying game boys, PSP’s, cool phones everyone I know has at least one of the new console systems and I only own a fucking PS1 and two games… So, when I found I had credit to replace the computer I paid 54 bucks for I took it. Yeah the computer I had I paid 54 bucks for the CPU, motherboard and a stick of ram back in 04, the “new” computer was old enough that I got the parts that cheap. Over time I added a few more parts but the core parts were really cheap junk. So now I had something that made my happy, something I don’t few often, rare enough that I can remember what caused me to feel that way. But in the end it helped me stay alive that right there is worth the price I paid. Most of the time I’m content but not happy, I try to not let thing upset me, but when the people I know remind me all the time that my life sucks and that I’m the most unlucky person they know its hard to keep positive, I mean my god, I’m told all the damn time that I’m unlucky, I know people stop reminding me, yes I laugh because its my way, I hide the pain so I don’t bring people down, though sometimes I think Joe likes to remind me and likes to show me his life is so much better then mine. Plus he acts like he is sick of me, he use to do things, if he would hold the door for people and I was one of them, last week we went out to eat, he held the door open for kat and as I was about to walk in he walked in front of me and gave me a look like, no, I go before you. I’ve been seeing this pattern for weeks now and to be honest I’m not sure what the deal is. I know I owe them money, and maybe he’s upset that I spent money on the computer, but lets look at this, I paid them 70% of the money I had coming in, I was paying 10 to 20 a week on the computer and was giving 80 a week, plus I was also buying a good deal of the food, which is fine I wanted to help. Hell he spent more then 20 a week in games and stuff for the 360 and I know he owe money too. I mean lets be honest, if don’t have much, my bed sucks ass and I could get a better at good will I bet. The dresser I have was given to me not long ago, the desk isn’t mine, most of my clothes are old and worn. The tv and entertainment center I told them I would give to them long ago. So I could move everything (minus the bed and dresser in my car, which is a POS death trap.) I really have nothing but my computer, some movies, my clothes, my fans, and a bunch of junk that could leave and not really miss. Would I, probably not, but sometimes I just don’t care. Heck since the whole tooth thing, I’ve been so down that part of me just wants to go away, no idea where, but I hate my life and don’t want it anymore. The only friends I really have are Joe and Kat and well when you feel one of two people is sick of you, that doesn’t leave much. Mikes a nice guy but we only game once a week and that’s it, plus I don’t see him as the coming over and hanging out type. After joe and kat is my Mom who lives in MI, other than that I have no one. I’ve been talking to this woman online for a few weeks now but I’m afraid to say anything to people due to every time I tell people about something I Lose it. In the past I met women and after I tell people something happens, job interview, talk about it and I don’t get the job. I’m quite sure that God hates me; I did something in the past to piss him off, though it was most likely a past life for the crap started when I was really young. I try not to let this stuff get to me, I try to be strong but it get harder each time. One day I’m not going to be able to deal with something, one day it will finally be to much to carry, and I will break. I feel it every time something bad happens, each time it’s harder to snap back, both physically and mentally. I’ve lived through and with many things that other have killed themselves over or died from. And each time more suffering is added, one can only carry the weight of their lives for so long before they sink from it. But where is the water line for me now, waste high or neck high. Just today I tried to sleep, and couldn’t due to pain and depression. 720 bucks for the surgery to remove my teeth, money I don’t have and might not have soon because my unemployment is hitting the 6 month mark and I haven’t found a job yet. Though during the time of my tooth infection it was really hard to job hunt, I tried, I really did, but it didn’t go very well. I’m not asking for much in my life just what average people have, a job, friends (well more then what I can count on one hand) no pain and love, (the last two more than the rest.) I’m not had love since 2001 when Becky and I broke up. Much of that was due to the fact that I still loved her so much and couldn’t love another for a long time. I tried dating Kelly but I didn’t love her the way I should, how I did once but she left me to many times looking for her dream job. I loved her yes, but not like Becky, not in the way I needed too, and we knew that and we split up after a short time. I’ve been told thing I can do to fix some of these thing, but I don’t feel like I can do it anymore, I just don’t have the life left to try to find new friends or love, too much of my energy is spent dealing with pain, sadness, and the worry about the future. I found out at the first stop at the ER, yes 2 trips due to the pain. Well I learned that I have thicken heart walls and the Dr. said that I’ll not see 60 if I don’t deal with it, well guess what due to the fucking world we live in I can’t afford the doctor visits, the medications I would need to take. I already have been told that I will be paralyzed by 60, fuck I think I would rather be dead. I’ve been there, it was horrible and though it was only hours, it isn’t something I would want to live with. So yeah 20 years till I’m fucked and that’s if my life doesn’t kill me first. Not really much of a life anyways, I sit on the computer to keep sane, games and the such keep my mind busy, keeps it from doing what trying to sleep does, going to the bad places in my head.