Need To get This Out - part two
The place where the anger and sadness runs free. The place that makes death seem like a better option than living. Though when I do finally fall asleep I don’t want to wake up, only pain and waste, sadness, hate, anger, and fear waits. Other times its due to the fact that I’m just worn out right now, I’m stressing over no job, junk car, no money maybe soon, pain, lack of eating, (not hungry much, I basically eat when something is there.) But eating once a day isn’t good for me but I just don’t want to eat, part is due to eating hurts, the other is depression kills my appetite. If I had someone in my life things would be better, I know it, it has always been that way. Sometimes just having someone to hug, to hold me when I’m down, to talk to when I’ve having problems, I’ve not had that for a long time. I need people in my life, I’m not good alone, if I was totally alone I know I wouldn’t be alive. Even having someone to talk to helps. I know Joe’s not a talker, but Kat is more so, and I know sometimes it bugs her but I can’t help it, I need to talk sometimes. Though I think she knows that now, most of the time she stops what she is doing and listens then goes back, I hate being a bother but I need communication. I get lonely (not for relationship stuff) I just need to talk to someone for a bit. Back in home in Bay City I had tons of friends, I always had someone to do stuff with and I really miss that, sometimes I think I should go back, I think my life would be a happier one. But do I want to leave here; it feels like home, which isn’t something I got to know much about. Hell I’m even sure what’s mine anymore. How would I get there, where would I live, and work. I hate feeling lost. I’m sick of my life, sick of not knowing what’s round the corner, know if I’ll have food, money for what’s needed, hell if I’ll be alive, and even if I care, which scares me during the times I’m feeling better. I want to be able to sleep easily, without pain. I wish I wasn’t so fixated on my pain. I wish I had more to look forward to, I use to look forward to game night, but lately I’m not really enjoying the games. Mikes game is slow moving, hard and feels like we are going now where. Joes game was fun but of late it isn’t or me, I play to joke around with the others and be with people, but it’s not doing it. Though tonight it really hit home. I know my character is powerful though I could have made a normal fight that was just as bad. If not more so, I know Joe was out to kill my character, he made a really powerful monster to kill it, though I already said that I would drop the fucking thing when I can, it’s not my fault he has dragged this plot one for so long. And he has dropped the character more then twice before tonight, each time in one round, yes its powerful but so is the crap we run into. Funny he complains about Mikes game being hard yet, his can more so at times. In mikes game at least it might take a few round to drop a combat character, mine, one round, three times. Then add to the game we have accomplished nothing (I HATE THIS FUCKING SPELL CHECKER I WANT TO JUST CLICK AND FIX….) We have been playing for over a year, nothing is fixed, hell things keep getting worst. I want to be able to feel like I’ve done something, I feel like nothing is done and nothing will be for a long time if ever, it just get worst and worst. In the Silverlords game we would go to do something, we would spend time doing it; we would fix it and move on. We were heroes; we felt like we were doing something, getting somewhere, we made a difference. Now, nothing. We saved those who were taken, but oh look, the whole country is now fucked, oh and my house is fucked and the other parts of the house are helping, even something we though we fixed way back in the ealier part of the game isn’t fixed, the house getting screwed messed that up, and that’s after being sent here to make friends. Nothing was done; we spent all this time here for nothing. Yes we might save a few people, but that’s it. Wow, yeah, heroes… it’s no fun that even when we manage to win we lose, why do it. Too many bad things to fix and how do we fix it, the bad guys have people everywhere and there is no way to know who if seeded, you can’t tell, who if going to fuck us. They seem to be everywhere now and we keep losing, small win but the bigger picture always get worst. “I thought it was too powerful, but then I remembered your character”, I didn’t know it would be that bad, and I said I’d drop it but I couldn’t don’t punish me for it, I agreed and wanted to fix it, I about quit there, then oh look, 55 AC 3 hits from the one not built to kill Rayne, then the one made to deal with her didn’t miss, nice, way to fuck me over. I would need 20’s to hit 55 AC’s fully buffed. Also most of the time the bad guys in the game have time to buff and be ready for us; this time we had the time to be ready. Without the buffs the character isn’t that bad, normally I would throw less dice then Kat casting disintegrate for about the same average damage, but if I have time, just like the bad guys, just like every damn dragon we have ever dealt with, I’m better. If he came to me and asked to power it down, or something that would have fine, I didn’t because I knew that Heartless was just as bad, and that it would be over soon, but instead he punished me, that’s just wrong, plus the smug look, when the character died. I feel like quitting gaming right now. I can have more fun playing a video game. Maybe I can play guitar hero or something; lord knows I could get the system from Joe. I mean I bought the world tour as something nice, to be nice to Joe and he’s been acting the way he has and I’m not even sure he said thanks. 75 bucks I saved and could have spent on something else, but I wanted to be nice, hell when is the last time someone spent 75 bucks on me, I can’t remember when, but Joe’s use to it, his family helps him, gives him lots of stuff for Christmas and the like, I get like two things, I wish I had a family that loved me enough to spend more then 10 bucks stuffed in a card. Joe and Kat do better at least they get me something. The last year I gave a fly fuck about the holidays my mom spend a ton of money on her boyfriend and his kids, I got the fucking batman movie (80’s) it cost her 9.99. I didn’t even know about the dinner party on Christmas day till 2 days before. That day killed Christmas for me I hate the holidays, family keep dying then and that day. My life started to go to shit when I was just a little kid, when is my turn, when can I be happy, really the only thing to cross off the list is being shot, though good chance that will be the last thing. I needed to do this, I feel better though really drained. I would have before but I couldn’t due to the pain, I mean over a month of intense pain, that’s more than most people could deal with. I even managed to smile once in a while.