Can I have a hug?
I've been crying all morning. I need to fucking stop. I woke up today and was really anxious and I couldn't figure out why, and I realized it was because I missed him. Already. It hadn't even been 9 hours since we'd seen each other. Yeah less than that actually, since I sort of broke curfew. Oops. Then I realized it wasn't just that I missed him because sometimes missing is a good thing, a cute thing, an "aw, I can't wait 'til I get to see you again" thing, it was because I'm fleeing the country in 47 days and that will probably be the end.
I'm not stupid. I don't hold delusions that we'll stay together while I'm over there. I won't see him at all for 3 1/2 months, we probably won't talk on the phone, and with the time difference, who knows how often we'll talk online? And zero texting. It makes me insane to think that someone will replace me as the person he texts during class and the person he talks to while he's watching Family Guy or the Daily Show or whatever.
I can't deal with a breakup in Italy. I want to know exactly where we stand and are gonna stand the moment I step on the plane. I can't go over there taken and have to lose him and deal with all that initial heartbreak crap while I'm supposed to be having the time of my life.
And I don't want to force it. In my experience and in the relationships I've watched fall apart, including his last one...ironically...I feel like when things start to get difficult, trying to MAKE it work only makes everything worse. Obviously being an ocean apart would make things difficult and I have this instinct that if we try to stay together on this measly little summer of a foundation, we'll wreck it forever.
But every time I talk about this with someone, the rational (naive?) part of my brain steps in and says hey wait. If you two are meant to be more than just a fun and dizzyingly exciting summer thing, you will be. Three and a half months away won't change that. So I guess the part that hurts is thinking well...what if we're NOT supposed to be more than that? I still feel like he's perfect for me. And yesterday when we were playing in his neighbor's front yard with the dog he's babysitting it was almost like it was OUR house and OUR dog and I immediately shut my brain off to keep it from going any further because it was weird and I'd never had those type of thoughts about us before.
Before he came over to pick me up yesterday I got nervous. Like the nervous excited happy you get at the very beginning. Butterflies. And he got here and my heart was still doing flips and...shit. I'm such an idiot. I need to stop crying.
I finally understand what James was talking about.
I'm not stupid. I don't hold delusions that we'll stay together while I'm over there. I won't see him at all for 3 1/2 months, we probably won't talk on the phone, and with the time difference, who knows how often we'll talk online? And zero texting. It makes me insane to think that someone will replace me as the person he texts during class and the person he talks to while he's watching Family Guy or the Daily Show or whatever.
I can't deal with a breakup in Italy. I want to know exactly where we stand and are gonna stand the moment I step on the plane. I can't go over there taken and have to lose him and deal with all that initial heartbreak crap while I'm supposed to be having the time of my life.
And I don't want to force it. In my experience and in the relationships I've watched fall apart, including his last one...ironically...I feel like when things start to get difficult, trying to MAKE it work only makes everything worse. Obviously being an ocean apart would make things difficult and I have this instinct that if we try to stay together on this measly little summer of a foundation, we'll wreck it forever.
But every time I talk about this with someone, the rational (naive?) part of my brain steps in and says hey wait. If you two are meant to be more than just a fun and dizzyingly exciting summer thing, you will be. Three and a half months away won't change that. So I guess the part that hurts is thinking well...what if we're NOT supposed to be more than that? I still feel like he's perfect for me. And yesterday when we were playing in his neighbor's front yard with the dog he's babysitting it was almost like it was OUR house and OUR dog and I immediately shut my brain off to keep it from going any further because it was weird and I'd never had those type of thoughts about us before.
Before he came over to pick me up yesterday I got nervous. Like the nervous excited happy you get at the very beginning. Butterflies. And he got here and my heart was still doing flips and...shit. I'm such an idiot. I need to stop crying.
I finally understand what James was talking about.