i'm feelin' weak
I guess it's the blow to my ego that's the hardest thing to deal with right now. Not the having to get used to not being with him, but the oh, you don't want to be with me. Well...why not? I guess I'm even more arrogant than I thought. Like seriously...I really don't get it. You don't wanna be with ME? Do you know who I am?
I think we can be friends. Part of me doesn't wanna let him and kind of shove it in his face that he can't have me in any capacity, but I'm a lot more indifferent than I think I should be. Or than I expected to be. I'm upset, sure. But it isn't the bone-crushing devastation I had after Connor. I think it's because I never really believed I fully had him. Because it was never Facebook official because I don't subscribe to that insanity, and there were never "omg you're cute" wall posts and the i love yous stopped and I think I just didn't let myself care about him like I cared about Connor. I think that's the reason I could never tell him what I was really feeling, because I couldn't bear to give him any more parts of me than absolutely necessary because I knew I'd have to let him go.
I wanted him to deserve me so badly. But now it's wrecked. Something in me broke when I didn't get my way. At the end of the day, I always thought I'd win him over. I always thought he cared about me enough to give me what I want as long as I asked for it. But I was wrong. I hate that.
And it blows my mind that JD sat down next to me for 3 seconds this morning and the first words out of his mouth were, "You look broken."
The truth is, he's my number two. I don't know if I'm ready to give that up. And another JD, a very smart and cute doctor from whom I take all my life lessons, once said "Even if it kills you to be just friends, if you really care about the person, you'll take the hit."
I wonder if I care about him that much.
and a very ashamed part of me can't help but wonder if maybe this is karma for what I did to get him in the first place.
I think we can be friends. Part of me doesn't wanna let him and kind of shove it in his face that he can't have me in any capacity, but I'm a lot more indifferent than I think I should be. Or than I expected to be. I'm upset, sure. But it isn't the bone-crushing devastation I had after Connor. I think it's because I never really believed I fully had him. Because it was never Facebook official because I don't subscribe to that insanity, and there were never "omg you're cute" wall posts and the i love yous stopped and I think I just didn't let myself care about him like I cared about Connor. I think that's the reason I could never tell him what I was really feeling, because I couldn't bear to give him any more parts of me than absolutely necessary because I knew I'd have to let him go.
I wanted him to deserve me so badly. But now it's wrecked. Something in me broke when I didn't get my way. At the end of the day, I always thought I'd win him over. I always thought he cared about me enough to give me what I want as long as I asked for it. But I was wrong. I hate that.
And it blows my mind that JD sat down next to me for 3 seconds this morning and the first words out of his mouth were, "You look broken."
The truth is, he's my number two. I don't know if I'm ready to give that up. And another JD, a very smart and cute doctor from whom I take all my life lessons, once said "Even if it kills you to be just friends, if you really care about the person, you'll take the hit."
I wonder if I care about him that much.
and a very ashamed part of me can't help but wonder if maybe this is karma for what I did to get him in the first place.