Venting!
The most appealing reason for using LJ again is that no one comments on here, because no one (except Hayden & Ness) knows I am using this again. Which means I can vent all I want, about what ever I want and it really doesn't matter.
This is especially good given the lack of support from my Bestie, who really doesn't want to hear about it all, and therefore is less than positive with feedback she provides. It also means that if Hayden reads this it's of his own volition and because it's appearing on his news feed. Is volition the word I'm thinking of?
I've been keeping myself busy all day, unpacking then repacking all the boxes that were under my bed, until I removed the bed. Now they're all over my floor in various states of unpacked-ness. I am kind of looking for the engagement ring, only in the fact that for the first time since it was put away I'm not dreading finding it. I honestly have no idea which box it is in, and it may not be in one of the ones under the bed. I once had a go at Hayden because he was still wearing his. Granted, he was also seeing someone else, and I couldn't comprehend why on earth you would keep wearing it given all it represented. Now I'm considering wearing mine again, if it fits me, just not on my left hand. It is a beautiful ring, and it does mean a lot to me, even if all those memories aren't the happiest I have. I wonder if he still has the one I bought him?
I'm also trying to find the writing I did back then. I really want to remember as much as I can. I've tried to block it all for so long. Now I'm fighting to remember, especially the happy times. There are a lot of things that are making me smile, which is nice.
Anyway, I'm frustrated, as per usual. Still about the same old thing. Everything was fine until I decided to make the commitment to have him in my life as more than a distraction from all things Dancing. Even for a few weeks after. Then it all started to go to hell and I don't know why! That is what frustrates me! I don't know what I did wrong to push him away! Was it because things were getting semi-serious and it was too much for him? Was it something I said? Or did? Or didn't say? Or didn't do? Arrrggghhh!! So frustrating!! I just want to know!
I also want to know how to make amends, which I have said before. I want to know how to be a good friend, which is hard to do when we're not talking all that much.
Grr!
Ultimately I just want things to go my own way. lol. I'm still selfish. I also want to know how to make him happy again. I wish I knew what changed.
This is especially good given the lack of support from my Bestie, who really doesn't want to hear about it all, and therefore is less than positive with feedback she provides. It also means that if Hayden reads this it's of his own volition and because it's appearing on his news feed. Is volition the word I'm thinking of?
I've been keeping myself busy all day, unpacking then repacking all the boxes that were under my bed, until I removed the bed. Now they're all over my floor in various states of unpacked-ness. I am kind of looking for the engagement ring, only in the fact that for the first time since it was put away I'm not dreading finding it. I honestly have no idea which box it is in, and it may not be in one of the ones under the bed. I once had a go at Hayden because he was still wearing his. Granted, he was also seeing someone else, and I couldn't comprehend why on earth you would keep wearing it given all it represented. Now I'm considering wearing mine again, if it fits me, just not on my left hand. It is a beautiful ring, and it does mean a lot to me, even if all those memories aren't the happiest I have. I wonder if he still has the one I bought him?
I'm also trying to find the writing I did back then. I really want to remember as much as I can. I've tried to block it all for so long. Now I'm fighting to remember, especially the happy times. There are a lot of things that are making me smile, which is nice.
Anyway, I'm frustrated, as per usual. Still about the same old thing. Everything was fine until I decided to make the commitment to have him in my life as more than a distraction from all things Dancing. Even for a few weeks after. Then it all started to go to hell and I don't know why! That is what frustrates me! I don't know what I did wrong to push him away! Was it because things were getting semi-serious and it was too much for him? Was it something I said? Or did? Or didn't say? Or didn't do? Arrrggghhh!! So frustrating!! I just want to know!
I also want to know how to make amends, which I have said before. I want to know how to be a good friend, which is hard to do when we're not talking all that much.
Grr!
Ultimately I just want things to go my own way. lol. I'm still selfish. I also want to know how to make him happy again. I wish I knew what changed.