Growing Up
As much as I love getting dolled up its a damn good feeling to veg out in tracky pants & pj tops. I've had a fun night, for the most part. My feet are not so impressed with me. =)
One of the several things that frustrates me about the current 'Me & Him' situation is not being able to ask the questions I have. I wrote a list of things I want to ask him the other day, on the off chance that one day soon I get to ask. He doesn't want to have "that talk" as he believes it will be awkward. I can deal with awkward if I can get some answers and get things straight in my head.
I am a little proud of myself tonight. I've kept my temper in check and haven't allowed to much mopey-ness to affect my night. I probably should be more proud of myself, knowing how easily I fall into tantrum mode. It's actually really hard work, emotionally & mentally, staying positive and strong. I don't think I've ever made the decision to do this before. Tantrums are so much easier. However, they never seem to make things better, and definitely seem to make things worse. I can't afford to lose the friendship that, somehow through everything, we've managed to keep a hold of. It's in pretty bad shape at the moment, I think, because we're both trying to get past was happened, but we're not doing too badly. It's been worse than this before, and somehow over time we've managed to get back on track.
I'm realizing a lot of things that I have neglected to notice over the last 10 years. The fact that he always seems to be there right when I need him the most was something that really shocked me. Of all the people in all the world who have had a reason walk away, he would definitely be the one with the most right to leave me to my own disasters. But he never has.
I have also realized that I want to make amends for the damage, hurt and pain I have caused. I know this is something that can't be fixed in a matter of weeks. Or months, or even years, probably. But because we're still at the 'not talking about it' point, I don't even know where to start. I think growing up is probably the best place. I don't want to give up. Not this time. This is really important to me, and I really want to make things right. What ever that means.
I've also been thinking about the whole Matt saga that I have managed to keep going for most of this time, and how it impacts the current situation, because undoubtedly it does. I feel that maybe the reason I have kept it so long is guilt. I think I really wanted that relationship to work because it justified (to myself at least) that what I did was right. When it fell apart after only 3 months it shattered every ideal I had about relationships and the ends justifying the means, which it no longer did. Haydz and I were never going to survive that point in our lives anyway. That I have no doubt of. But the way I handled it was atrocious at best. And stupid. Selfish. Childish. Etc.
The reason it couldn't last then was me. I was destroying it without even knowing. I felt so yuck inside from something that none of us had any idea of that I was looking to make everyone around me feel just as yuck, starting with those closest to me. I had no way to explain what was wrong, or even to ask for help to make me feel better. I felt alone, despite how much Haydz loved me, and how much his family made me feel part of everything. I had no way of knowing how to cope, and no one to turn to when it got really really bad because no one else knew what was happening either. Mum and I talk about it now and can recognize it all from about the time I was 16. But at the time we all thought it was teenage hormones and the family situation. And I was too stubborn to even entertain the idea of more dietary restrictions. No way, no how. And look where that got me...
I sometimes think these are all just excuses. Which I guess they are. But you don't know what you don't know. And I didn't know how to do things any differently. I handled things the best way I knew how. Which wasn't very good at all. I know a lot more now. A lot more about me, my triggers and coping mechanisms. I know a lot more about relationships in general, and people. I don't know much more about love, but I don't think we ever really know much about it. I believe that once you get past the "lovey dovey" period that you have to work at a relationship and keeping the love alive. That is when it becomes real & mature love. Something I don't think I've ever had the chance to experience and would dearly love to.
One of the several things that frustrates me about the current 'Me & Him' situation is not being able to ask the questions I have. I wrote a list of things I want to ask him the other day, on the off chance that one day soon I get to ask. He doesn't want to have "that talk" as he believes it will be awkward. I can deal with awkward if I can get some answers and get things straight in my head.
I am a little proud of myself tonight. I've kept my temper in check and haven't allowed to much mopey-ness to affect my night. I probably should be more proud of myself, knowing how easily I fall into tantrum mode. It's actually really hard work, emotionally & mentally, staying positive and strong. I don't think I've ever made the decision to do this before. Tantrums are so much easier. However, they never seem to make things better, and definitely seem to make things worse. I can't afford to lose the friendship that, somehow through everything, we've managed to keep a hold of. It's in pretty bad shape at the moment, I think, because we're both trying to get past was happened, but we're not doing too badly. It's been worse than this before, and somehow over time we've managed to get back on track.
I'm realizing a lot of things that I have neglected to notice over the last 10 years. The fact that he always seems to be there right when I need him the most was something that really shocked me. Of all the people in all the world who have had a reason walk away, he would definitely be the one with the most right to leave me to my own disasters. But he never has.
I have also realized that I want to make amends for the damage, hurt and pain I have caused. I know this is something that can't be fixed in a matter of weeks. Or months, or even years, probably. But because we're still at the 'not talking about it' point, I don't even know where to start. I think growing up is probably the best place. I don't want to give up. Not this time. This is really important to me, and I really want to make things right. What ever that means.
I've also been thinking about the whole Matt saga that I have managed to keep going for most of this time, and how it impacts the current situation, because undoubtedly it does. I feel that maybe the reason I have kept it so long is guilt. I think I really wanted that relationship to work because it justified (to myself at least) that what I did was right. When it fell apart after only 3 months it shattered every ideal I had about relationships and the ends justifying the means, which it no longer did. Haydz and I were never going to survive that point in our lives anyway. That I have no doubt of. But the way I handled it was atrocious at best. And stupid. Selfish. Childish. Etc.
The reason it couldn't last then was me. I was destroying it without even knowing. I felt so yuck inside from something that none of us had any idea of that I was looking to make everyone around me feel just as yuck, starting with those closest to me. I had no way to explain what was wrong, or even to ask for help to make me feel better. I felt alone, despite how much Haydz loved me, and how much his family made me feel part of everything. I had no way of knowing how to cope, and no one to turn to when it got really really bad because no one else knew what was happening either. Mum and I talk about it now and can recognize it all from about the time I was 16. But at the time we all thought it was teenage hormones and the family situation. And I was too stubborn to even entertain the idea of more dietary restrictions. No way, no how. And look where that got me...
I sometimes think these are all just excuses. Which I guess they are. But you don't know what you don't know. And I didn't know how to do things any differently. I handled things the best way I knew how. Which wasn't very good at all. I know a lot more now. A lot more about me, my triggers and coping mechanisms. I know a lot more about relationships in general, and people. I don't know much more about love, but I don't think we ever really know much about it. I believe that once you get past the "lovey dovey" period that you have to work at a relationship and keeping the love alive. That is when it becomes real & mature love. Something I don't think I've ever had the chance to experience and would dearly love to.