that i would be good if i got and stayed sick
And now it's almost a year and I'm terrified. Terrified of taking a cake and of my family being proud and of getting it right. Terrified of having something to live up to and stand for. Terrified that I'm not enough and I don't deserve this, and of course the part of me that wants to get loaded just to fuck it all up- not even because I want to get loaded...
I know what to do. It's not about that any more. It's about not letting one day of hide-under-covers-don't-do-dishes-say-fuck-it take over and become a day i beat myself up about forever. it's about remembering i don't have to be perfect- not even close. and i'm not perfect and i can't be perfect.
the self-loathing keeps coming back. i have to tell it to shut up. that's the advice i give clients. talk back. so i am talking back...
Dear Disease,
Shut up. You suck. I will consider listening to you for a minute later but not a second longer. Right now I have no time for you. You cry wolf and you nag a lot. I get you and I feel you but I'm not going to reach out for you. You are bad at comforting me and you stopped working for me so I get no benefit anyway. I don't like how you're always yapping on and on about the future. It gets old and makes me anxious and depressed. When I try and push you away it doesn't work, it builds up. So all I can do is ignore you or talk back to you and I am going to stand up for myself and say Shut up. You suck today.
Love, Amy
I know what to do. It's not about that any more. It's about not letting one day of hide-under-covers-don't-do-dishes-say-fuck-it take over and become a day i beat myself up about forever. it's about remembering i don't have to be perfect- not even close. and i'm not perfect and i can't be perfect.
the self-loathing keeps coming back. i have to tell it to shut up. that's the advice i give clients. talk back. so i am talking back...
Dear Disease,
Shut up. You suck. I will consider listening to you for a minute later but not a second longer. Right now I have no time for you. You cry wolf and you nag a lot. I get you and I feel you but I'm not going to reach out for you. You are bad at comforting me and you stopped working for me so I get no benefit anyway. I don't like how you're always yapping on and on about the future. It gets old and makes me anxious and depressed. When I try and push you away it doesn't work, it builds up. So all I can do is ignore you or talk back to you and I am going to stand up for myself and say Shut up. You suck today.
Love, Amy