My name is Amy, and I am an Alcoholic...
drunk as hell - 6/28/2001
i am drunk and i slit my wrist and felt brians leg and called megi and said hahah i got brian and u didnt and i called sarah she is coming to the party and said "hi shannon" and she said i was drunk and everyone thinks so and shannon and fanisia are in the pool and my wrist scared me and i called sarah and megi i keep backspacing and kat thinks it is her fault but i feel good not bad and she is slow. cause it is NOT her fault god fucking damn it. no taryn silly silly girl i had FOUR> and i weugh 95 damn pounds stupid typos hate em hate em not bothering to change em my fingers are slow ew that sounded wrong i should die parents suck haha i am soooooo drunk i like it... i am blah blah blah and making a big big fool outta myslef. brian and nate are hot. k bye.
*nonReally*
gIvE uP oN mE... i HaVe... FuCk… - 6/29/2001
i am at jessi's and i feel like shit. i fuck everything up. i am the biggest fuck up. and i continue to tell all my fucking problems to all my best friends and make them feel worse. i don't even give a shit. i can tell by the little things i do. i driove people in my car after swearing i wouldnt at first. and i let myself drink. and i cut in FRONT of my friends, and scare them to death. and i sit here and i DON"T GIVE A SHIT. why is this happening? why am i such a fuck up? god i don't even deserve to let myself die. thats too much of a privelege for me.
i can't ever have a boyfriend. i would never ever do that to him. because as much as i hurt my friends, and as much as i hate myself afterwards, it would be that ten times worse with a boyfriend. i can't let them love me. i tell myself over and over that it wouldn't matter if i died. and i FUKCING BELIEVE IT. everyone has other friends. friends that make them a lot happier and a lot less depressed than i do. i am worthless, and all i do is hurt everyone i love. i should seriously just stay in my room the rest of my life.
i don't want to eat or go out or make people worry or worry abuout myself or do anything. just cry and sleep. thats it. i am so fucking tired. you think me drinking was your fault? fuck that, cause you know that i felt like this and that i woulda done it if it were there and i were all fucking alone. don't give yourself so much damn credit.
you know the person i was when i was drunk? that IS ME. that is how i feel. i am that mad and that sad and that full of rage and that bitchy and that bitter. and the only difference is that i never say it otherwise. cause i keep it inside. ha. contradiction. i spill my fucking boring pathetic guts to everyone. cause im too weak to deal with it on my own. but i AM that mad. all the time. at everyone, at the world, mostly at my mom.
when i cut in front of kat and taryn, all i remember is thinking "god i wish they were my parents instead". i hate my parents. my mom KNEW i cut. and she said she knew i was like that. and she didn't DO anything. we don't have money for a therapist. fine. would we have money to send me to the ER if i was dying mom? cause thats how i feel. maybe it will be my ER. maybe i am dying. i am emotionally drowning, and you are watching from the fucking sidelines while i drown cause you don't want to get your clothes wet. fuck you.
i am so fucked up and my stupid parents won't believe me. i WANT to be fucked up. seems the worse i get the worse everyone else gets. ha. i can't promise i won't drink anymore. i love you guys, but i can't. i can't promise anything anymore, cause i'd rather you know i'm gonna dissapoint you in the first place. i'd rather not have to break a promise to my best friends. i'd rather they know that anything is possible because i just don't give a shit anymore.
and i wish i were dead. cause everyone would be better off without me.
*nonReally*
i am drunk and i slit my wrist and felt brians leg and called megi and said hahah i got brian and u didnt and i called sarah she is coming to the party and said "hi shannon" and she said i was drunk and everyone thinks so and shannon and fanisia are in the pool and my wrist scared me and i called sarah and megi i keep backspacing and kat thinks it is her fault but i feel good not bad and she is slow. cause it is NOT her fault god fucking damn it. no taryn silly silly girl i had FOUR> and i weugh 95 damn pounds stupid typos hate em hate em not bothering to change em my fingers are slow ew that sounded wrong i should die parents suck haha i am soooooo drunk i like it... i am blah blah blah and making a big big fool outta myslef. brian and nate are hot. k bye.
*nonReally*
gIvE uP oN mE... i HaVe... FuCk… - 6/29/2001
i am at jessi's and i feel like shit. i fuck everything up. i am the biggest fuck up. and i continue to tell all my fucking problems to all my best friends and make them feel worse. i don't even give a shit. i can tell by the little things i do. i driove people in my car after swearing i wouldnt at first. and i let myself drink. and i cut in FRONT of my friends, and scare them to death. and i sit here and i DON"T GIVE A SHIT. why is this happening? why am i such a fuck up? god i don't even deserve to let myself die. thats too much of a privelege for me.
i can't ever have a boyfriend. i would never ever do that to him. because as much as i hurt my friends, and as much as i hate myself afterwards, it would be that ten times worse with a boyfriend. i can't let them love me. i tell myself over and over that it wouldn't matter if i died. and i FUKCING BELIEVE IT. everyone has other friends. friends that make them a lot happier and a lot less depressed than i do. i am worthless, and all i do is hurt everyone i love. i should seriously just stay in my room the rest of my life.
i don't want to eat or go out or make people worry or worry abuout myself or do anything. just cry and sleep. thats it. i am so fucking tired. you think me drinking was your fault? fuck that, cause you know that i felt like this and that i woulda done it if it were there and i were all fucking alone. don't give yourself so much damn credit.
you know the person i was when i was drunk? that IS ME. that is how i feel. i am that mad and that sad and that full of rage and that bitchy and that bitter. and the only difference is that i never say it otherwise. cause i keep it inside. ha. contradiction. i spill my fucking boring pathetic guts to everyone. cause im too weak to deal with it on my own. but i AM that mad. all the time. at everyone, at the world, mostly at my mom.
when i cut in front of kat and taryn, all i remember is thinking "god i wish they were my parents instead". i hate my parents. my mom KNEW i cut. and she said she knew i was like that. and she didn't DO anything. we don't have money for a therapist. fine. would we have money to send me to the ER if i was dying mom? cause thats how i feel. maybe it will be my ER. maybe i am dying. i am emotionally drowning, and you are watching from the fucking sidelines while i drown cause you don't want to get your clothes wet. fuck you.
i am so fucked up and my stupid parents won't believe me. i WANT to be fucked up. seems the worse i get the worse everyone else gets. ha. i can't promise i won't drink anymore. i love you guys, but i can't. i can't promise anything anymore, cause i'd rather you know i'm gonna dissapoint you in the first place. i'd rather not have to break a promise to my best friends. i'd rather they know that anything is possible because i just don't give a shit anymore.
and i wish i were dead. cause everyone would be better off without me.
*nonReally*