and i'll drown in doubt

[andfree]

Stuff just coming up today that makes my head spin a little. Thought of high school which made me think of this site (which I kinda forgot about).

Two years and change that I'm sober. I'm grateful and I've made a mess of my finances. Not sure how my parents can support me in this. I want to tell them 'I fucked up too badly for you to forgive me' but instead I begged for money and help and acceptance and approval.

Now I feel awkward around them both. Like i am a little kid again. Or you know... seventeen.

Then I came to therapy and started thinking about first loves and first meaningful romantic relationships and then even further back to cutting. Not doing it... just what it was like to want people to share your pain or feel it or see it.

Now I get that there are people who 'get it' out there, people who are a lot like me. I still feel separate and not a part of a lot of the time... but at least it's not all the time like it used to be for so long.

And now I know that's the -ism and I'm not crazy and my thinking that way is "normal" in -ismland.

My parents are hassling encouraging me to get a therapist. I want to but the process of doing so sounds trying, exhausting, draining, boring... I really hate asking for help.

I didn't even intend to write in here. I was just searching for lyrics I wrote once upon a time... "let me be me"

let me be me
depressed and lonely
let me be me
cause that's how you know me
let me be me
and i'll drown in doubt
i can't seem to figure me out...

let me be me
crazed and immersed
let me be me
the absolute worst
let me be me
and i'll drown in doubt
i can't seem to figure me out...

i'm not bad enough
no story to tell
i'm not in enough pain to truly get well

you're mysterious, glamorous,
i'm tossed back in time
you get the attention that used to be mine

That's not in order, but those are the only parts I remember.

I'm just feeling small today.

andfree