(no subject)
god i feel like such utter shit. had a test today and i didnt know anything of the things i needed to, it was just so indescribably awful. i feel so lonely and anxious, i have a university interview on wednesday and i don't know how i'm going to be happy and peppy. theres no one at college i like or want to talk to, they're all younger than me and i feel completely alientated and isolated. jesus christ, if only i was less morose and made and effort to talk to people, keep in contact with people. i just have such fear, this terrifying anxious fear when it comes to the whole "making friends" thing. i don't want to end up like my dad. bitter and unhappy and completely self obsessed to a stage of neurosis. why am i like this? why can't i be friendly, even when i want to be, and someone else is making the effort. it's a vicious cycle, for the more shit i feel the less likely it is i'm going to try and be sociable but the less sociable i am the more miserable i feel. i think this must be the self destructive element to my personality in play, it's like even if i could be happy, if the oppurtunity was there, i can't let myself. oh fuck.