Whenever you want me I’ll be around, I’m a bullet in a shotgun waiting to sound
I’ve had a few real weird thoughts lately.
I had a moment where I was very seriously checking out a coworker at work, like thinking of them very sexually haha. And like that’s new-ish. HR would have a field day about the shit. It was those pants, sheesh.
We had a staff party and it was very successful, I guess, that no one got hurt or fired etc. But overall it was a super fun time. Mostly hung with R and some of the servers, and friggin Ave was doing magic trick at the bar, like literally doing card tricks and blowing my mind.
The last 2 days Crystal has been over with the kids swimming. Today I was in no mood so I literally didn’t even say go outside to hangout. But I did yesterday, I spent all afternoon/evening with them, and that was enough. Had a good solo time with Emma on the drive back out to their place and back to get her bathing suit, it was good to check in with her. I still worry about her so much, she really struggles with anxiety/depression, and she’s all about the vaping, and dating older dudes. She admitted that she doesn’t really know how to be single, and was surprised when she asked me about dating when I said I literally do not date and prefer to be alone, that she couldn’t do it. And that’s sad to me. She gets picked on amongst my fam so much, like my dad really gets all up in her shit about being on her phone all the time and work/school/money, and respect, and she is so much like my sister (and myself too, let’s be honest) that she gets so defensive and angry and just shuts down. There was an off handed comment, like joking from Crystal’s bf, and Emma jokingly flipped him off. My dad went ballistic on her, like on where that gesture comes from (I don’t think he really knew what he was talking about), but was like so mad saying you will never do that again in my house or you can leave… It so reminds me of the time I flipped him off when my friends were over, I really don’t remember the context but it was in a sort of joking way too, and he got so mad, that’s like a trigger for him, and I seriously do not understand why. I literally flip him off so often when he can’t and won’t see me lol.
There was also a mini fireball bottle on the kitchen counter, near where she was sitting. I had brought it home from work, Jen gave it to me from the freebies with their liquor order. And the next morning it was just sitting there empty, so I’m pretty sure she just downed it and like didn’t even attempt to hide it? Jeez. I threw it out so my parents wouldn’t notice but yeah, intense. And that must’ve been before the middle finger incident because she stormed out right after and they left. I mean I was drinking at her age, and much earlier stealing my parents liquor and shit, so I’m understanding, but she can definitely be a lot to handle.
Edit/update: mere days later and I’m seriously fucking worried. She’s out of hospital and home, and hopefully the mental health assessment and introduction of medication and DBT will be able to help her. Shit. I kept thinking of what I could say or what I should’ve said. I don’t like how my family teases her about stuff. But she can be a real asshole to people over tiny things. She’s had such a rough time and I just want her to keep trying. And I just want her to know that I’m here, that I’m in her court. I don’t judge because I’ve dealt with my share of suicidal thoughts and anxiety.
I’ve been taking weed gummies a little more often, maybe a couple times a week. Or having a quick vape when I finish work on an evening shift. It’s relaxing and helping me, I’m getting a good handle on dosage and just having enough to feel good, not be super high. It makes me feel better in my body and eases a lot of the crappy thoughts that rotate around in my head.
Work drama is increasing. One person quit. I liked her but she would ask to switch shifts so often and also text me every single shift even when I was off to ask questions, and at halfway there should be like no questions, it’s easy as fuck. She would always ask about when she could close up, and I’m like… how about just stay until you’re scheduled… or make your own judgments based on weather and busyness. And like, I always say to new employees to text if they need anything, because our other superiors sometimes set stronger boundaries and if they are off work they are really off and won’t respond, so I like to be available for them, but this was just too much. Another one has cut down hours and days available because she now has a full time job in her field. The other has so much time booked off that she’s barely available. And our new hire is great, she’s had 3 training shifts and I think she’ll be really good and hopefully stay, but then she got Covid, so all the training got pushed back. So I feel like we’re in a bit of a pickle. In August, both Aaron and I have 8 day work streaks which I’m not exactly pumped for. And then September will be a shit show, BD, K, A and I can only do so much.
I’ve been seriously obsessed with the ST fan fiction . Oh god, there’s so much good shit. I want to rewatch, but it will make me kinda sad. The way Eddie Munson has just taken over my brain is just seriously unfair. I love him. The misunderstood and fucked up and secretly nerdy bad boy with a cute smile and a heart of gold is my absolute fucking kryptonite bahaha.
Need to catch up on Umbrella Academy. And maybe Drag Race all stars, apparently it’s been very good. I’ve been rewatching Weeds too, it’s only on Roku so I can only watch on the basement tv, but it’s making me very happy, I just finished season 2, where my user pic comes from. And I want to rewatch Atlanta. And I’m watching Reservation Dogs. My parents are gone Tuesday and Wednesday, which I’m so looking forward to, especially because those are my 2 days off. So I’m going to do a whole lot of nothing, eat a lot of snacks and watch shit.
Super pumped for 2 upcoming concerts. Metric and Bartees Strange. Turnstile, JPEGMAFIA, and Snail Mail. Epic.
I had a moment where I was very seriously checking out a coworker at work, like thinking of them very sexually haha. And like that’s new-ish. HR would have a field day about the shit. It was those pants, sheesh.
We had a staff party and it was very successful, I guess, that no one got hurt or fired etc. But overall it was a super fun time. Mostly hung with R and some of the servers, and friggin Ave was doing magic trick at the bar, like literally doing card tricks and blowing my mind.
The last 2 days Crystal has been over with the kids swimming. Today I was in no mood so I literally didn’t even say go outside to hangout. But I did yesterday, I spent all afternoon/evening with them, and that was enough. Had a good solo time with Emma on the drive back out to their place and back to get her bathing suit, it was good to check in with her. I still worry about her so much, she really struggles with anxiety/depression, and she’s all about the vaping, and dating older dudes. She admitted that she doesn’t really know how to be single, and was surprised when she asked me about dating when I said I literally do not date and prefer to be alone, that she couldn’t do it. And that’s sad to me. She gets picked on amongst my fam so much, like my dad really gets all up in her shit about being on her phone all the time and work/school/money, and respect, and she is so much like my sister (and myself too, let’s be honest) that she gets so defensive and angry and just shuts down. There was an off handed comment, like joking from Crystal’s bf, and Emma jokingly flipped him off. My dad went ballistic on her, like on where that gesture comes from (I don’t think he really knew what he was talking about), but was like so mad saying you will never do that again in my house or you can leave… It so reminds me of the time I flipped him off when my friends were over, I really don’t remember the context but it was in a sort of joking way too, and he got so mad, that’s like a trigger for him, and I seriously do not understand why. I literally flip him off so often when he can’t and won’t see me lol.
There was also a mini fireball bottle on the kitchen counter, near where she was sitting. I had brought it home from work, Jen gave it to me from the freebies with their liquor order. And the next morning it was just sitting there empty, so I’m pretty sure she just downed it and like didn’t even attempt to hide it? Jeez. I threw it out so my parents wouldn’t notice but yeah, intense. And that must’ve been before the middle finger incident because she stormed out right after and they left. I mean I was drinking at her age, and much earlier stealing my parents liquor and shit, so I’m understanding, but she can definitely be a lot to handle.
Edit/update: mere days later and I’m seriously fucking worried. She’s out of hospital and home, and hopefully the mental health assessment and introduction of medication and DBT will be able to help her. Shit. I kept thinking of what I could say or what I should’ve said. I don’t like how my family teases her about stuff. But she can be a real asshole to people over tiny things. She’s had such a rough time and I just want her to keep trying. And I just want her to know that I’m here, that I’m in her court. I don’t judge because I’ve dealt with my share of suicidal thoughts and anxiety.
I’ve been taking weed gummies a little more often, maybe a couple times a week. Or having a quick vape when I finish work on an evening shift. It’s relaxing and helping me, I’m getting a good handle on dosage and just having enough to feel good, not be super high. It makes me feel better in my body and eases a lot of the crappy thoughts that rotate around in my head.
Work drama is increasing. One person quit. I liked her but she would ask to switch shifts so often and also text me every single shift even when I was off to ask questions, and at halfway there should be like no questions, it’s easy as fuck. She would always ask about when she could close up, and I’m like… how about just stay until you’re scheduled… or make your own judgments based on weather and busyness. And like, I always say to new employees to text if they need anything, because our other superiors sometimes set stronger boundaries and if they are off work they are really off and won’t respond, so I like to be available for them, but this was just too much. Another one has cut down hours and days available because she now has a full time job in her field. The other has so much time booked off that she’s barely available. And our new hire is great, she’s had 3 training shifts and I think she’ll be really good and hopefully stay, but then she got Covid, so all the training got pushed back. So I feel like we’re in a bit of a pickle. In August, both Aaron and I have 8 day work streaks which I’m not exactly pumped for. And then September will be a shit show, BD, K, A and I can only do so much.
I’ve been seriously obsessed with the ST fan fiction . Oh god, there’s so much good shit. I want to rewatch, but it will make me kinda sad. The way Eddie Munson has just taken over my brain is just seriously unfair. I love him. The misunderstood and fucked up and secretly nerdy bad boy with a cute smile and a heart of gold is my absolute fucking kryptonite bahaha.
Need to catch up on Umbrella Academy. And maybe Drag Race all stars, apparently it’s been very good. I’ve been rewatching Weeds too, it’s only on Roku so I can only watch on the basement tv, but it’s making me very happy, I just finished season 2, where my user pic comes from. And I want to rewatch Atlanta. And I’m watching Reservation Dogs. My parents are gone Tuesday and Wednesday, which I’m so looking forward to, especially because those are my 2 days off. So I’m going to do a whole lot of nothing, eat a lot of snacks and watch shit.
Super pumped for 2 upcoming concerts. Metric and Bartees Strange. Turnstile, JPEGMAFIA, and Snail Mail. Epic.