FIC: Amaryllis - Chapter 16: Where's the conviction
Title: Amaryllis - Chapter 16 - Where's the conviction
Author: Anae
Beta: Tegthe (Thanks a bunch again!)
Fandom: Uragiri wa boku no namae wo shitteiru - Betrayal knows my name
Characters/pairing: Shusei/Hotsuma
Rating: eventual M/NC-17 (because it's gonna take while - boys need to grow up, plus well, manga wasn't too helpful for hot scenes)
Spoilers: overall thorough the manga/anime
Disclaimer: After finishing and re-working with this, I would deserve the boys, but no. Not mine. The song used belongs to Shinedown.
Summary: Both Shusei and Hotsuma struggled with their fates, with themselves ever since they were kids. This is how it happened - how two children grew up to be Zweilts, partners, and eventually, grew to understand and love each other.
A/N: Again, apologies for putting this so late here. 18 is up too!
Ps. Do you know the symbolic meaning of Amaryllis? "Success won after a struggle."
Chapter 16 - Where’s the conviction
Is there a place within for redemption
Is there a voice inside with a decision
And if so when, and if so then, where's the conviction
Shusei didn’t know how many hours it had been since the doctor left before the door opened again. The brunette boy had drifted between the dream world and the real world for quite some time now - his body demanded that he would sleep, but his mind couldn’t find rest. Not with Hotsuma on the run somewhere, alone.
So he had stayed in their living room, cradled on the sofa, hands hugging his knees, head on top of them.
When the door opened with a click and a soft creak, his eyes shot up to his partner.
Hotsuma was dripping wet, clear indication that he had been outside, running in the pouring rain. Shusei wasn’t
really surprised at that - the other boy tended to get out of the house, to get under the wide open sky, when he was feeling bad.
That tendency had run short a long time ago though, since the blonde had started coming to Shusei every time things went wrong.
But he couldn’t do that now, could he? Not when Shusei was the reason for his pain.
“Hotsuma…” Shusei started, but shut his mouth quickly - he had no idea what to say. He never had any words to give, even in the situation that needed them - not that he could ever pick the right words. No, Hotsuma was the one of them who knew what to say, whose words could either kill or heal. Shusei didn’t have that kind of gift. He never had.
“Shusei.” Hotsuma’s tone was serious as he stepped closer to the other boy, closing the distance between them, step by step. He stopped on the side of the couch, looking down on his partner. “I’m sorry. I’ll… I’ll never let this happen again. Not to you, not to anyone. I…”
The blonde boy stayed silent for a while, hand reaching out to Shusei, but then he pulled it back - he didn’t dare to touch Shusei, afraid he might hurt the other boy again.
His eyes were serious, gleaming with unspoken emotions as he locked their gazes. “I’ll make it up to you. I’ll spend the rest of my life atoning for it.”
No.
It was the first thought that came into Shusei’s mind - he didn’t want Hotsuma to atone for the burns, or the scars they would leave behind. It had been his own choice to step into the flaming inferno, to stop his friend from succeeding in committing suicide.
Shusei was about to protest, but the look in his partner’s eyes stopped him - it was painfully clear how much Hotsuma was hurting. The blonde might’ve not suffered from the flames as much as his partner had, but it was dawning to Shusei that it was Hotsuma who had ended up being the most hurt.
Shusei pushed himself up from the sofa, reaching out for his partner. Hotsuma almost flinched as Shusei’s long, pale finger brushed over his cheek. “It’s alright”, he said, voice barely above a whisper. Once upon a time, mere months ago, he would’ve wrapped his arms around the other boy in order to comfort him, but no longer - not when a mere touch was too much.
Deep inside, the brunette Zweilt knew he should’ve said something more, done something - he should’ve made it alright, somehow, but he didn’t know the way. He had no idea what to say or what to do in order to heal the wounds in Hotsuma’s heart - especially now that he had scarred that tender heart himself.
He might’ve saved Hotsuma from death, but he hadn’t saved the boy’s heart, not by far - what he had done had been selfish. It was out of selfishness that he had stopped Hotsuma - he had been too scared to be left alone for the rest of their lives.
Hotsuma had wanted to die, to be free - and instead of letting him to fulfill his wish, Shusei had pulled him back, forced him to stay in the place he desperately needed to escape from.
What he had given Hotsuma wasn’t salvation.
What he had done - it was selfish, it was cruel, and it saved the body and soul but not the heart.
He should be the one apologizing, not Hotsuma. But… As Shusei looked at his partner’s expression, filled with regret and pain, he couldn’t say it. He would never be able to put his apology and feelings to words, not in the way Hotsuma would understand.
So it was better to keep this to himself. To lock these thoughts into a far-away place that no one would be able to reach - so that he would no longer hurt his partner. If he couldn’t heal him, at least he could keep as much pain away from him as possible.
Shusei pulled back, letting his fingers trace Hotsuma’s chin as long as they could. “Don’t worry about it.”
“But…” Hotsuma started, only to be cut off by his partner’s gentle voice.
“Dry yourself so that you won’t get sick”, Shusei told him as he moved towards his own room, careful to not look at his partner’s face. He couldn’t - that suffering, it was caused by him, and him alone. “Good night.”
Shusei slipped into his room, and as the door closed, he leaned his back against it, flipping the lock. As the soft click echoed in the silent room, he slid down to the floor - physically, the burns still hurt, but that was nothing compared to the feeling of your heart being sliced in two.
Why? The word echoed in Shusei’s lone mind as he squeezed his eyes shut, letting out a shaky breath, biting back a sob - he couldn’t let Hotsuma know.
When had everything started to go so wrong?
When had he started giving pain instead of comfort to the one person he wanted to protect?
Shusei cradled his legs to his chest, much like he had done on the sofa. Why was this happening, why to them? Hadn’t they already suffered enough?
All those times they’d watched each other die, seen the lively and loving eyes lose their light and become glazed. The people they’d held dear were nothing but ashes anymore - they’d watched so many of their comrades’ die in arms of the Duras and unforgiving time. They’d even given up the hope to be together, to have a family together…
Their hearts had been broken time and time again, life after life.
Wasn’t all that enough?
Apparently not.
It was their fate - and Shusei knew not even Takashiro could change it, let alone he.
The only thing he could do was to grit his teeth and bear with it, and take care of his partner as much as he could along the way.
It didn’t mean it didn’t hurt like hell, though.
Author: Anae
Beta: Tegthe (Thanks a bunch again!)
Fandom: Uragiri wa boku no namae wo shitteiru - Betrayal knows my name
Characters/pairing: Shusei/Hotsuma
Rating: eventual M/NC-17 (because it's gonna take while - boys need to grow up, plus well, manga wasn't too helpful for hot scenes)
Spoilers: overall thorough the manga/anime
Disclaimer: After finishing and re-working with this, I would deserve the boys, but no. Not mine. The song used belongs to Shinedown.
Summary: Both Shusei and Hotsuma struggled with their fates, with themselves ever since they were kids. This is how it happened - how two children grew up to be Zweilts, partners, and eventually, grew to understand and love each other.
A/N: Again, apologies for putting this so late here. 18 is up too!
Ps. Do you know the symbolic meaning of Amaryllis? "Success won after a struggle."
Chapter 16 - Where’s the conviction
Is there a place within for redemption
Is there a voice inside with a decision
And if so when, and if so then, where's the conviction
Shusei didn’t know how many hours it had been since the doctor left before the door opened again. The brunette boy had drifted between the dream world and the real world for quite some time now - his body demanded that he would sleep, but his mind couldn’t find rest. Not with Hotsuma on the run somewhere, alone.
So he had stayed in their living room, cradled on the sofa, hands hugging his knees, head on top of them.
When the door opened with a click and a soft creak, his eyes shot up to his partner.
Hotsuma was dripping wet, clear indication that he had been outside, running in the pouring rain. Shusei wasn’t
really surprised at that - the other boy tended to get out of the house, to get under the wide open sky, when he was feeling bad.
That tendency had run short a long time ago though, since the blonde had started coming to Shusei every time things went wrong.
But he couldn’t do that now, could he? Not when Shusei was the reason for his pain.
“Hotsuma…” Shusei started, but shut his mouth quickly - he had no idea what to say. He never had any words to give, even in the situation that needed them - not that he could ever pick the right words. No, Hotsuma was the one of them who knew what to say, whose words could either kill or heal. Shusei didn’t have that kind of gift. He never had.
“Shusei.” Hotsuma’s tone was serious as he stepped closer to the other boy, closing the distance between them, step by step. He stopped on the side of the couch, looking down on his partner. “I’m sorry. I’ll… I’ll never let this happen again. Not to you, not to anyone. I…”
The blonde boy stayed silent for a while, hand reaching out to Shusei, but then he pulled it back - he didn’t dare to touch Shusei, afraid he might hurt the other boy again.
His eyes were serious, gleaming with unspoken emotions as he locked their gazes. “I’ll make it up to you. I’ll spend the rest of my life atoning for it.”
No.
It was the first thought that came into Shusei’s mind - he didn’t want Hotsuma to atone for the burns, or the scars they would leave behind. It had been his own choice to step into the flaming inferno, to stop his friend from succeeding in committing suicide.
Shusei was about to protest, but the look in his partner’s eyes stopped him - it was painfully clear how much Hotsuma was hurting. The blonde might’ve not suffered from the flames as much as his partner had, but it was dawning to Shusei that it was Hotsuma who had ended up being the most hurt.
Shusei pushed himself up from the sofa, reaching out for his partner. Hotsuma almost flinched as Shusei’s long, pale finger brushed over his cheek. “It’s alright”, he said, voice barely above a whisper. Once upon a time, mere months ago, he would’ve wrapped his arms around the other boy in order to comfort him, but no longer - not when a mere touch was too much.
Deep inside, the brunette Zweilt knew he should’ve said something more, done something - he should’ve made it alright, somehow, but he didn’t know the way. He had no idea what to say or what to do in order to heal the wounds in Hotsuma’s heart - especially now that he had scarred that tender heart himself.
He might’ve saved Hotsuma from death, but he hadn’t saved the boy’s heart, not by far - what he had done had been selfish. It was out of selfishness that he had stopped Hotsuma - he had been too scared to be left alone for the rest of their lives.
Hotsuma had wanted to die, to be free - and instead of letting him to fulfill his wish, Shusei had pulled him back, forced him to stay in the place he desperately needed to escape from.
What he had given Hotsuma wasn’t salvation.
What he had done - it was selfish, it was cruel, and it saved the body and soul but not the heart.
He should be the one apologizing, not Hotsuma. But… As Shusei looked at his partner’s expression, filled with regret and pain, he couldn’t say it. He would never be able to put his apology and feelings to words, not in the way Hotsuma would understand.
So it was better to keep this to himself. To lock these thoughts into a far-away place that no one would be able to reach - so that he would no longer hurt his partner. If he couldn’t heal him, at least he could keep as much pain away from him as possible.
Shusei pulled back, letting his fingers trace Hotsuma’s chin as long as they could. “Don’t worry about it.”
“But…” Hotsuma started, only to be cut off by his partner’s gentle voice.
“Dry yourself so that you won’t get sick”, Shusei told him as he moved towards his own room, careful to not look at his partner’s face. He couldn’t - that suffering, it was caused by him, and him alone. “Good night.”
Shusei slipped into his room, and as the door closed, he leaned his back against it, flipping the lock. As the soft click echoed in the silent room, he slid down to the floor - physically, the burns still hurt, but that was nothing compared to the feeling of your heart being sliced in two.
Why? The word echoed in Shusei’s lone mind as he squeezed his eyes shut, letting out a shaky breath, biting back a sob - he couldn’t let Hotsuma know.
When had everything started to go so wrong?
When had he started giving pain instead of comfort to the one person he wanted to protect?
Shusei cradled his legs to his chest, much like he had done on the sofa. Why was this happening, why to them? Hadn’t they already suffered enough?
All those times they’d watched each other die, seen the lively and loving eyes lose their light and become glazed. The people they’d held dear were nothing but ashes anymore - they’d watched so many of their comrades’ die in arms of the Duras and unforgiving time. They’d even given up the hope to be together, to have a family together…
Their hearts had been broken time and time again, life after life.
Wasn’t all that enough?
Apparently not.
It was their fate - and Shusei knew not even Takashiro could change it, let alone he.
The only thing he could do was to grit his teeth and bear with it, and take care of his partner as much as he could along the way.
It didn’t mean it didn’t hurt like hell, though.