FIC: Amaryllis - Chapter 15: Shade of empty
Title: Amaryllis - Chapter 15 - Shade of empty
Author: Anae
Beta: Tegthe (Thanks a bunch again!)
Fandom: Uragiri wa boku no namae wo shitteiru - Betrayal knows my name
Characters/pairing: Shusei/Hotsuma
Rating: eventual M/NC-17 (because it's gonna take while - boys need to grow up, plus well, manga wasn't too helpful for hot scenes)
Spoilers: overall thorough the manga/anime
Disclaimer: After finishing and re-working with this, I would deserve the boys, but no. Not mine. The song used belongs to Shinedown.
Summary: Both Shusei and Hotsuma struggled with their fates, with themselves ever since they were kids. This is how it happened - how two children grew up to be Zweilts, partners, and eventually, grew to understand and love each other.
A/N: Ever since I first saw Uraboku and how Hotsuma acted when he saw Shusei's scars, I couldn't help but think how bad it was in the beginning. Things get easier with time, and that was how bad it still was for them, then how was the beginning? This chapter focuses around that, and well, it is angsty. But I enjoyed writing it - hope you like to read it, too.
Next week's chapter might be a little late - I'm back in my home country and moving, and my beta is on a trip. Just to let you know, in case you'll be wondering. :)
Ps. Do you know the symbolic meaning of Amaryllis? "Success won after a struggle."
Chapter 15 - Shade of empty
Something's wrong with you I see
Your eyes have turned a shade of empty
In my arms you pushed aside
Wondered if you'd ever be alright again
And try to fix what's goin' on inside of you
It was after the dinner that the Zweilt returned to their rooms - no one had to show Hotsuma and Shusei to theirs, since they remembered.
The room was quite big - the boys had their own bedrooms, but they shared a parlor. The parlor had a huge window which view opened straight to the sky and beneath it, they could see the mansion’s garden. In front of it, there laid a big, dark couch.
Both boys went to check on their bedrooms first - both were provided with a bed, table and a couple of wooden cabinets. They both had more than enough space.
Shusei had just managed to put the little stuff he had brought with him from home - his parents had briefly visited hospital to bring his belongings there as they said their goodbyes - to the cabinets as Hotsuma entered the room.
“Mah, your room is bigger than mine!” he complained, flopping himself to Shusei’s bed, seemingly not caring the least about what the other boy might have thought about that.
Not that Shusei complained. He simply shook his head, wondering once again how Hotsuma could be so impulsive, and sat on the bedside, looking his partner. “Not really.” Shusei did remember how the blonde’s boy’s room had looked in their previous life, and he doubted that any major changes would’ve been done to the architecture of the building. “Mine’s just as not messy and packed with games and other things as yours.”
“Hey, mine’s not messy!” Hotsuma protested, making a face before stopping his thoughts, remembering how he had just basically thrown his bag in, and how all of its contents had nicely spread on the floor. Which was part of the reason he had come to Shusei’s room. After receiving a knowing look from the older boy, the blonde shifted his focus to the ceiling. “It’s not that bad. Really.”
Before Shusei could tell his partner how wrong he was, there was a knock on the door. Shusei was starting to rise up from the bed, but Hotsuma beat him to it. “I’ll get it”, he said, glancing over his shoulder. “You should be resting, right?”
Shusei didn’t have anything to say to that since it was true, but that didn’t stop the youngster from dragging himself to his own room’s doorway to see who wanted to meet them - he couldn’t possibly think either of the Murasame siblings would, since the two were so sensitive of people’s emotions, and caring individuals by heart. Tachibana had also wanted to ensure that they would get their time to settle in, not to mention get the rest they desperately needed.
“Pardon my disturbance”, a man said at the door. He had black, shoulder length hair that was combed backwards. The man wore jeans and dark red shirt. On top of that, he had a long, white jacket - a clear indication of his employment in the mansion. “My name is Fujiwara Isuzu. I’m your doctor.”
The man paused, looking over his glasses from Hotsuma to Shusei, who was still leaning to the doorway. “I understand that you must be tired, but it would be for the best for you to let me tend to your injuries.” The doctor eyed Hotsuma’s protective glare, but even if he was talking to both of them, his attention was mainly on Shusei. “You understand, don’t you?”
“Yes”, Shusei answered, cutting Hotsuma’s protest before it left his mouth. The older boy crossed the room, stopping at the couches, leaning part of his weight against them - it was getting tiring just to be up, and even more tiring to put up the show.
“Good”, Isuzu said, stepping inside, closing the door behind him. “We’ll start with you, Hotsuma.” The doctor laid his medical kit on the nearby table - Shusei was silently happy that the man had brought the necessary devices with him, since like this they wouldn’t need to first go to his room and then back again.
With an un-amused groan, Hotsuma stripped off his shirt as Shusei slipped onto the couch, watching as the doctor checked through each burn. Almost all of Hotsuma’s burns had been first degree burns, only a few of second degree, meaning that most of them had almost completely healed by now. A couple of them were still angrily red, but they had healed well and fast - the doctor voiced his suspicion that this was also because the flames were Hotsuma’s power. Even though he could harm himself with them, even go as far as to kill himself, he would heal a bit faster than others.
“I think that’s that”, he finally told the younger boy, dark eyes focusing to the boy sitting on the couch. “Shusei?”
Shusei eyed his partner, silently willing the other boy away - he couldn’t tell him so, fearing that it would only do more mental damage to Hotsuma - the blonde had already suffered enough - but Shusei didn’t want him to see the burns either. Surely, they were better now than they had been over a week ago, but they still looked bad. And it still hurt to change the bandages, mostly due to the fact that the skin was still sensitive to touch.
The doctor didn’t miss Shusei’s uneasiness. “Hotsuma, maybe it would be better for you to leave?” he suggested, not looking away from the older boy.
“But…” Hotsuma protested, desperate golden eyes searching for his partner’s, trying to get an eye-contact. “Shusei, please.”
Shusei didn’t want to, but who was he to deny his partner? Truth to be told, he feared that denying Hotsuma like this would damage their partnership even more. So what choice did he have? “It’s fine”, he told the doctor, not looking at either of the two, sounding far more sure than he actually felt.
Isuzu wasn’t thrilled, seeing that what the boys weren’t exactly honest with their feelings, but it wasn’t his place to protest. “If you’re sure”, was all he said.
Shusei stood up, unzipping the hood he had - it was far easier to handle than a normal shirt. The Zweilt lowered the piece of clothing to the sofa, eyes never leaving Hotsuma - Shusei needed to see his reaction to the bandages.
The younger boy swallowed, obviously feeling guilty, but not turning his gaze away.
Shusei studied his partner as the doctor slowly, careful not to cause any more pain than necessary, took off the bandages. As the white bandages fell, they revealed multiple burn marks, red and angry, scattered along the pale skin.
When Shusei saw the look on Hotsuma’s face, he knew he had just made the biggest mistake in his life.
The younger boy’s hand came to cover his mouth. His eyes were wide, his face pale as a sheet, his entire posture rigid - guilt was written all over him.
Those burns… There was no way they weren’t painful. He had brought that upon Shusei. Upon his best friend. His partner. To look at them, to understand the seriousness, the weight of his sin… It was more than Hotsuma could take.
“Sorry”, he mumbled, rushing out to the corridor, to escape somewhere, anywhere. Somewhere where he wouldn’t see those burns - wouldn’t see the marks he had inflicted on his partner. It was a futile attempt - the sight was burned in his eyes, and it would never disappear.
“Hotsuma!” Isuzu called after him, ready to go and chase after the boy, but Shusei’s soft voice stopped him.
“Let him be.”
The doctor turned his gaze back to the youngster - still a child - before him. Takashiro hadn’t given Isuzu the details, but he knew the basics - Hotsuma had tried to kill himself, Shusei had stopped him. Thus the burns. Go figure.
Isuzu understood that this was something the Zweilt pair had to deal with by themselves, but he couldn’t help but feel sorry for them. Not after seeing the guilt-ridden look on Hotsuma’s face and Shusei’s posture right now.
The brunette boy was looking at the ground, hands squeezed into fists, short nails digging in the skin. The doctor couldn’t see much of the youngster’s eyes behind his bangs, but what he saw was a pained expression that had nothing to do with physical pain - it looked like someone had just ripped the boy’s heart out of his chest.
“Just continue.”
The doctor sighed, deciding to let the matter slide - he might need to mention about it to Takashiro, but there was no need to trouble a suffering child any further. In silence, he checked the burns - and was happy to see that they were healing quite nicely, given the severity, and concluded that there would be no need for new skin transplants. It meant faster recovery and shorter healing process, which would be good for both the physical and the mental health of the pair.
What worried Isuzu a bit was that Shusei didn’t let out any cry or wince - he did try to twitch away from the touch, but that was a natural reaction from the body. The man knew he was being as gentle as he could, but there was no way it didn’t hurt.
Yet Shusei kept it all in.
The doctor didn’t say anything though, just looked worriedly at the kid. When he was done, Shusei backed a couple of steps, lumping to the couch, breath uneven.
The doctor collected his stuff, planning to leave in silence, since Shusei didn’t seem willing to talk with him about anything - which was fine, he was just a doctor. If the kid wanted an advice, he would ask.
“Doctor?”
Silently posed question surprised the man - he hadn’t expected Shusei to speak to him at all.
“Will these…” He touched his chest, implying to the burns there. “…will they scar?”
Isuzu let out a sigh as he rose up. He was a doctor - he wouldn’t lie to a patient, and he couldn’t give false hope either. Both of them would get people hurt - but that didn’t mean the truth would be merciful, either.
“They will.” Isuzu hated telling the kid that, but it was the truth - the surgery would always leave a scar, no matter how carefully it was treated. And the burns on Shusei’s chest… They weren’t exactly small, either.
“I see.” Shusei’s voice was carefully blank, void of all emotions - as if he had locked them away. As the youngster lifted his gaze from the floor, the doctor could see that there were no emotions written on his face or eyes either - Shusei was hiding himself behind an icy glass, putting up a barrier between himself and the rest of the world. “Thank you.”
Isuzu nodded. “My pleasure.” He turned away, but couldn’t stop himself for giving the smallest piece of reassurance to the kid - he knew it was something Shusei probably knew himself, thus it wouldn’t do much good, but he just couldn’t walk away. “You’ll find a way to get through this.”
Shusei watched the doctor to leave, then turning his eyes to look at the darkening sky outside. He no longer believed everything would be fixed so easily - there was a gap between him and Hotsuma now, and he feared it would only grow with the time.
There was no way they would be ‘fine’ anymore - there was no way for them to go back to the easy, happy days they once had lived. Their bond would gradually weaken, and without that… What would be left?
Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Just emptiness - and loneliness.
The scariest thing is to be all alone.
Author: Anae
Beta: Tegthe (Thanks a bunch again!)
Fandom: Uragiri wa boku no namae wo shitteiru - Betrayal knows my name
Characters/pairing: Shusei/Hotsuma
Rating: eventual M/NC-17 (because it's gonna take while - boys need to grow up, plus well, manga wasn't too helpful for hot scenes)
Spoilers: overall thorough the manga/anime
Disclaimer: After finishing and re-working with this, I would deserve the boys, but no. Not mine. The song used belongs to Shinedown.
Summary: Both Shusei and Hotsuma struggled with their fates, with themselves ever since they were kids. This is how it happened - how two children grew up to be Zweilts, partners, and eventually, grew to understand and love each other.
A/N: Ever since I first saw Uraboku and how Hotsuma acted when he saw Shusei's scars, I couldn't help but think how bad it was in the beginning. Things get easier with time, and that was how bad it still was for them, then how was the beginning? This chapter focuses around that, and well, it is angsty. But I enjoyed writing it - hope you like to read it, too.
Next week's chapter might be a little late - I'm back in my home country and moving, and my beta is on a trip. Just to let you know, in case you'll be wondering. :)
Ps. Do you know the symbolic meaning of Amaryllis? "Success won after a struggle."
Chapter 15 - Shade of empty
Something's wrong with you I see
Your eyes have turned a shade of empty
In my arms you pushed aside
Wondered if you'd ever be alright again
And try to fix what's goin' on inside of you
It was after the dinner that the Zweilt returned to their rooms - no one had to show Hotsuma and Shusei to theirs, since they remembered.
The room was quite big - the boys had their own bedrooms, but they shared a parlor. The parlor had a huge window which view opened straight to the sky and beneath it, they could see the mansion’s garden. In front of it, there laid a big, dark couch.
Both boys went to check on their bedrooms first - both were provided with a bed, table and a couple of wooden cabinets. They both had more than enough space.
Shusei had just managed to put the little stuff he had brought with him from home - his parents had briefly visited hospital to bring his belongings there as they said their goodbyes - to the cabinets as Hotsuma entered the room.
“Mah, your room is bigger than mine!” he complained, flopping himself to Shusei’s bed, seemingly not caring the least about what the other boy might have thought about that.
Not that Shusei complained. He simply shook his head, wondering once again how Hotsuma could be so impulsive, and sat on the bedside, looking his partner. “Not really.” Shusei did remember how the blonde’s boy’s room had looked in their previous life, and he doubted that any major changes would’ve been done to the architecture of the building. “Mine’s just as not messy and packed with games and other things as yours.”
“Hey, mine’s not messy!” Hotsuma protested, making a face before stopping his thoughts, remembering how he had just basically thrown his bag in, and how all of its contents had nicely spread on the floor. Which was part of the reason he had come to Shusei’s room. After receiving a knowing look from the older boy, the blonde shifted his focus to the ceiling. “It’s not that bad. Really.”
Before Shusei could tell his partner how wrong he was, there was a knock on the door. Shusei was starting to rise up from the bed, but Hotsuma beat him to it. “I’ll get it”, he said, glancing over his shoulder. “You should be resting, right?”
Shusei didn’t have anything to say to that since it was true, but that didn’t stop the youngster from dragging himself to his own room’s doorway to see who wanted to meet them - he couldn’t possibly think either of the Murasame siblings would, since the two were so sensitive of people’s emotions, and caring individuals by heart. Tachibana had also wanted to ensure that they would get their time to settle in, not to mention get the rest they desperately needed.
“Pardon my disturbance”, a man said at the door. He had black, shoulder length hair that was combed backwards. The man wore jeans and dark red shirt. On top of that, he had a long, white jacket - a clear indication of his employment in the mansion. “My name is Fujiwara Isuzu. I’m your doctor.”
The man paused, looking over his glasses from Hotsuma to Shusei, who was still leaning to the doorway. “I understand that you must be tired, but it would be for the best for you to let me tend to your injuries.” The doctor eyed Hotsuma’s protective glare, but even if he was talking to both of them, his attention was mainly on Shusei. “You understand, don’t you?”
“Yes”, Shusei answered, cutting Hotsuma’s protest before it left his mouth. The older boy crossed the room, stopping at the couches, leaning part of his weight against them - it was getting tiring just to be up, and even more tiring to put up the show.
“Good”, Isuzu said, stepping inside, closing the door behind him. “We’ll start with you, Hotsuma.” The doctor laid his medical kit on the nearby table - Shusei was silently happy that the man had brought the necessary devices with him, since like this they wouldn’t need to first go to his room and then back again.
With an un-amused groan, Hotsuma stripped off his shirt as Shusei slipped onto the couch, watching as the doctor checked through each burn. Almost all of Hotsuma’s burns had been first degree burns, only a few of second degree, meaning that most of them had almost completely healed by now. A couple of them were still angrily red, but they had healed well and fast - the doctor voiced his suspicion that this was also because the flames were Hotsuma’s power. Even though he could harm himself with them, even go as far as to kill himself, he would heal a bit faster than others.
“I think that’s that”, he finally told the younger boy, dark eyes focusing to the boy sitting on the couch. “Shusei?”
Shusei eyed his partner, silently willing the other boy away - he couldn’t tell him so, fearing that it would only do more mental damage to Hotsuma - the blonde had already suffered enough - but Shusei didn’t want him to see the burns either. Surely, they were better now than they had been over a week ago, but they still looked bad. And it still hurt to change the bandages, mostly due to the fact that the skin was still sensitive to touch.
The doctor didn’t miss Shusei’s uneasiness. “Hotsuma, maybe it would be better for you to leave?” he suggested, not looking away from the older boy.
“But…” Hotsuma protested, desperate golden eyes searching for his partner’s, trying to get an eye-contact. “Shusei, please.”
Shusei didn’t want to, but who was he to deny his partner? Truth to be told, he feared that denying Hotsuma like this would damage their partnership even more. So what choice did he have? “It’s fine”, he told the doctor, not looking at either of the two, sounding far more sure than he actually felt.
Isuzu wasn’t thrilled, seeing that what the boys weren’t exactly honest with their feelings, but it wasn’t his place to protest. “If you’re sure”, was all he said.
Shusei stood up, unzipping the hood he had - it was far easier to handle than a normal shirt. The Zweilt lowered the piece of clothing to the sofa, eyes never leaving Hotsuma - Shusei needed to see his reaction to the bandages.
The younger boy swallowed, obviously feeling guilty, but not turning his gaze away.
Shusei studied his partner as the doctor slowly, careful not to cause any more pain than necessary, took off the bandages. As the white bandages fell, they revealed multiple burn marks, red and angry, scattered along the pale skin.
When Shusei saw the look on Hotsuma’s face, he knew he had just made the biggest mistake in his life.
The younger boy’s hand came to cover his mouth. His eyes were wide, his face pale as a sheet, his entire posture rigid - guilt was written all over him.
Those burns… There was no way they weren’t painful. He had brought that upon Shusei. Upon his best friend. His partner. To look at them, to understand the seriousness, the weight of his sin… It was more than Hotsuma could take.
“Sorry”, he mumbled, rushing out to the corridor, to escape somewhere, anywhere. Somewhere where he wouldn’t see those burns - wouldn’t see the marks he had inflicted on his partner. It was a futile attempt - the sight was burned in his eyes, and it would never disappear.
“Hotsuma!” Isuzu called after him, ready to go and chase after the boy, but Shusei’s soft voice stopped him.
“Let him be.”
The doctor turned his gaze back to the youngster - still a child - before him. Takashiro hadn’t given Isuzu the details, but he knew the basics - Hotsuma had tried to kill himself, Shusei had stopped him. Thus the burns. Go figure.
Isuzu understood that this was something the Zweilt pair had to deal with by themselves, but he couldn’t help but feel sorry for them. Not after seeing the guilt-ridden look on Hotsuma’s face and Shusei’s posture right now.
The brunette boy was looking at the ground, hands squeezed into fists, short nails digging in the skin. The doctor couldn’t see much of the youngster’s eyes behind his bangs, but what he saw was a pained expression that had nothing to do with physical pain - it looked like someone had just ripped the boy’s heart out of his chest.
“Just continue.”
The doctor sighed, deciding to let the matter slide - he might need to mention about it to Takashiro, but there was no need to trouble a suffering child any further. In silence, he checked the burns - and was happy to see that they were healing quite nicely, given the severity, and concluded that there would be no need for new skin transplants. It meant faster recovery and shorter healing process, which would be good for both the physical and the mental health of the pair.
What worried Isuzu a bit was that Shusei didn’t let out any cry or wince - he did try to twitch away from the touch, but that was a natural reaction from the body. The man knew he was being as gentle as he could, but there was no way it didn’t hurt.
Yet Shusei kept it all in.
The doctor didn’t say anything though, just looked worriedly at the kid. When he was done, Shusei backed a couple of steps, lumping to the couch, breath uneven.
The doctor collected his stuff, planning to leave in silence, since Shusei didn’t seem willing to talk with him about anything - which was fine, he was just a doctor. If the kid wanted an advice, he would ask.
“Doctor?”
Silently posed question surprised the man - he hadn’t expected Shusei to speak to him at all.
“Will these…” He touched his chest, implying to the burns there. “…will they scar?”
Isuzu let out a sigh as he rose up. He was a doctor - he wouldn’t lie to a patient, and he couldn’t give false hope either. Both of them would get people hurt - but that didn’t mean the truth would be merciful, either.
“They will.” Isuzu hated telling the kid that, but it was the truth - the surgery would always leave a scar, no matter how carefully it was treated. And the burns on Shusei’s chest… They weren’t exactly small, either.
“I see.” Shusei’s voice was carefully blank, void of all emotions - as if he had locked them away. As the youngster lifted his gaze from the floor, the doctor could see that there were no emotions written on his face or eyes either - Shusei was hiding himself behind an icy glass, putting up a barrier between himself and the rest of the world. “Thank you.”
Isuzu nodded. “My pleasure.” He turned away, but couldn’t stop himself for giving the smallest piece of reassurance to the kid - he knew it was something Shusei probably knew himself, thus it wouldn’t do much good, but he just couldn’t walk away. “You’ll find a way to get through this.”
Shusei watched the doctor to leave, then turning his eyes to look at the darkening sky outside. He no longer believed everything would be fixed so easily - there was a gap between him and Hotsuma now, and he feared it would only grow with the time.
There was no way they would be ‘fine’ anymore - there was no way for them to go back to the easy, happy days they once had lived. Their bond would gradually weaken, and without that… What would be left?
Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Just emptiness - and loneliness.
The scariest thing is to be all alone.