Hadra
Well, Tapestry was such an intense experience I had to write it down. As a matter of fact I missed a couple of workshops just so I could get this all out while the energy was still strong. I disabled comments because this is just too fresh for me right now. I would re-read this to check spelling and what not. But I can't even do that right now. I'm still tearing up when I think on this.
Pain. I asked to be rid of the chronic back pain. I found myself getting angry about the pain I'm always in. I am just so tired of being afraid that I can't take the stage because of the pain. In my back, in my neck. The pain keeps moving up my spine. Now it's in my tongue. I find myself pushing my tongue up against the roof of my mouth and I have to consciously act to release it. I know it's tension, I know it is also pain. I hate my pain. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.
I fear it. Aha!!!!! Mom always feared for me, because she thinks I have no fear. I began to actually believe it. But of course, that's not human. I'm afraid of pain. Not the sensation of pain, but what this pain can do to my life. How this pain keeps me from doing what I desire to do. How this pain keeps me from being who I am. How this pain imprisons me.
I will not live in this prison. I want it gone. This pain angers me deeply. I am enraged by it. I am murderous about it. I am also wounded by it. A wound so deep I could not see it. Pain has wounded my soul. Pain, wounding and fear has built a prison about me so devious, I could not see that tower rising.
But I will not live in this prison. I will break these walls, I will release this fear I call pain. I began to sway and move slowly, and I am already tearing. Tears are river running down my cheek, but I still resist. I am still holding. I begin to move faster, shaking my hands to release the resistance.
Soon I fall, and the anger burns in me. As I shake I throw the pain, the anger from me. I am not moving as furiously as I sometimes do. Though the body is relatively calm, compared to what can happen, the energy is intense. I arch and literally heave the pain, the anger from my body, through my head, through my mouth down into the ground. Tears become sobs.
It does not last long; it does not need to. Not this time, not this place. Tempest is behind me, watching me, guarding. Without her presence, this could have lasted all night. With her presence, it is soon done.
I lie on the floor breathing heavily. The sobs are gone now but I continue to river run tears down my cheek. But I am comforted by soft but very powerful hands. I am being aided by a very dear friend and I think of how much more intimate we have become through this experience. And the tears continue. But transformed by love. My tears are now of gratitude.
Oddly enough, I begin to smile. A shy smile, but a smile nonetheless. I think about my friend. I think of how I never really confided in her the amount of pain I am in. I think about how she knows nothing of how I worry on this pain. I wonder if she knows, and I realize she does. I realize she may know me better than I know myself, at least on this matter. Silent understanding, because that was my choice.
But it is not quite finished. Amel comes over to us and places her hands upon me. The sobs return and I find myself confiding in her about it. I never speak of this, yet this experience has compelled me to cry out my pain and fear to Amel. I needed just a bit more release. She knows, and I know she knows. And I hear the most beautiful voice say "I will help you with this. I will take this pain away."
Her skilled hands work on me. Drawing away pain, fear and a bit of shame I suppose. She anoints me with oil and her presence, the scent and company begins to sooth the heat in me. I find myself cooling down. I feel my shoulders sink and meet the rug beneath me. I begin to breath as slow as I am able to at the moment. I bend my mind to my heart and will it to slow it's pumping.
And now I am smiling again. Something in my being shifted. The word Liberation comes to me and this is a very powerful word in Feri. Solve. Coagula. I see the word Solve on my arm. I have wanted to tattoo these words on my arms for quite some time and now I know that I am ready for it.
I think to myself that Solve need be on my arm as a medicine. To take apart, to dissolve my fear of being imprisoned by pain. My spirit rises, as I know that I have been given the magic, the spell that I need to liberate myself. And I begin to resolve.
I resolve that I will live my life, as I will. I resolve that I will finally be a priest on my own terms. That the politics of Feri and of dancing mean nothing compared to the practice. And my position as Grandmaster and sacred dancer means I serve this community, I do not slave to it. I resolve to loose some "friends" because that's what happens when you become yourself.
I resolve to speak my own truth, no matter that it does not jibe with the loud few who wishes to control these traditions. I resolve to be a true priest of my faith and to teach it, as I will. And it is my will to teach this through dance, to anyone who has the capacity to hear. To understand this teaching visually. This is my work.
There is no place for fear in this work. As a grounded being, I know that I will have this pain. It will continue. I accept! If this is the price, so be it. But I will not pay the price of fear. I know, in my body, in my mind, in my soul, that the Gods do not require this of me. I have built this fear and I will tear it down.
Now, suddenly, I crave laughter. I wonder to myself when can I start to laugh? Many people are still deep in their own experience, so I dare not. Out of respect, and understanding. But I feel so light now, so ready for work. I want to laugh; I want to build upon this understanding with laughter. I am anxious to begin laughing. And I dare say I have a mighty lusty laugh, and I want to use it.
It is done now. But it is not over; I hope to never be over learning in this manner. I know that some day I will be magically ready for Coagula, much sooner now after having gone through this. And oddly, over some food another craving took hold of me. To write this down. To crystallize this by writing. And you know what? Writing this wasn't hard!!
Pain. I asked to be rid of the chronic back pain. I found myself getting angry about the pain I'm always in. I am just so tired of being afraid that I can't take the stage because of the pain. In my back, in my neck. The pain keeps moving up my spine. Now it's in my tongue. I find myself pushing my tongue up against the roof of my mouth and I have to consciously act to release it. I know it's tension, I know it is also pain. I hate my pain. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.
I fear it. Aha!!!!! Mom always feared for me, because she thinks I have no fear. I began to actually believe it. But of course, that's not human. I'm afraid of pain. Not the sensation of pain, but what this pain can do to my life. How this pain keeps me from doing what I desire to do. How this pain keeps me from being who I am. How this pain imprisons me.
I will not live in this prison. I want it gone. This pain angers me deeply. I am enraged by it. I am murderous about it. I am also wounded by it. A wound so deep I could not see it. Pain has wounded my soul. Pain, wounding and fear has built a prison about me so devious, I could not see that tower rising.
But I will not live in this prison. I will break these walls, I will release this fear I call pain. I began to sway and move slowly, and I am already tearing. Tears are river running down my cheek, but I still resist. I am still holding. I begin to move faster, shaking my hands to release the resistance.
Soon I fall, and the anger burns in me. As I shake I throw the pain, the anger from me. I am not moving as furiously as I sometimes do. Though the body is relatively calm, compared to what can happen, the energy is intense. I arch and literally heave the pain, the anger from my body, through my head, through my mouth down into the ground. Tears become sobs.
It does not last long; it does not need to. Not this time, not this place. Tempest is behind me, watching me, guarding. Without her presence, this could have lasted all night. With her presence, it is soon done.
I lie on the floor breathing heavily. The sobs are gone now but I continue to river run tears down my cheek. But I am comforted by soft but very powerful hands. I am being aided by a very dear friend and I think of how much more intimate we have become through this experience. And the tears continue. But transformed by love. My tears are now of gratitude.
Oddly enough, I begin to smile. A shy smile, but a smile nonetheless. I think about my friend. I think of how I never really confided in her the amount of pain I am in. I think about how she knows nothing of how I worry on this pain. I wonder if she knows, and I realize she does. I realize she may know me better than I know myself, at least on this matter. Silent understanding, because that was my choice.
But it is not quite finished. Amel comes over to us and places her hands upon me. The sobs return and I find myself confiding in her about it. I never speak of this, yet this experience has compelled me to cry out my pain and fear to Amel. I needed just a bit more release. She knows, and I know she knows. And I hear the most beautiful voice say "I will help you with this. I will take this pain away."
Her skilled hands work on me. Drawing away pain, fear and a bit of shame I suppose. She anoints me with oil and her presence, the scent and company begins to sooth the heat in me. I find myself cooling down. I feel my shoulders sink and meet the rug beneath me. I begin to breath as slow as I am able to at the moment. I bend my mind to my heart and will it to slow it's pumping.
And now I am smiling again. Something in my being shifted. The word Liberation comes to me and this is a very powerful word in Feri. Solve. Coagula. I see the word Solve on my arm. I have wanted to tattoo these words on my arms for quite some time and now I know that I am ready for it.
I think to myself that Solve need be on my arm as a medicine. To take apart, to dissolve my fear of being imprisoned by pain. My spirit rises, as I know that I have been given the magic, the spell that I need to liberate myself. And I begin to resolve.
I resolve that I will live my life, as I will. I resolve that I will finally be a priest on my own terms. That the politics of Feri and of dancing mean nothing compared to the practice. And my position as Grandmaster and sacred dancer means I serve this community, I do not slave to it. I resolve to loose some "friends" because that's what happens when you become yourself.
I resolve to speak my own truth, no matter that it does not jibe with the loud few who wishes to control these traditions. I resolve to be a true priest of my faith and to teach it, as I will. And it is my will to teach this through dance, to anyone who has the capacity to hear. To understand this teaching visually. This is my work.
There is no place for fear in this work. As a grounded being, I know that I will have this pain. It will continue. I accept! If this is the price, so be it. But I will not pay the price of fear. I know, in my body, in my mind, in my soul, that the Gods do not require this of me. I have built this fear and I will tear it down.
Now, suddenly, I crave laughter. I wonder to myself when can I start to laugh? Many people are still deep in their own experience, so I dare not. Out of respect, and understanding. But I feel so light now, so ready for work. I want to laugh; I want to build upon this understanding with laughter. I am anxious to begin laughing. And I dare say I have a mighty lusty laugh, and I want to use it.
It is done now. But it is not over; I hope to never be over learning in this manner. I know that some day I will be magically ready for Coagula, much sooner now after having gone through this. And oddly, over some food another craving took hold of me. To write this down. To crystallize this by writing. And you know what? Writing this wasn't hard!!