On the luxury of time misspent ...
i'm sitting fidgety in the Georgia State University Library North.
A long-title for a location of little explanation.
The new state-of-the-art renovations here only pushed dusty tomes further into the rafters and scholastic obscurity. The atmosphere is now far more appropriately sterile with strings of identical computers complimenting the relatively few, virtually untouched reference books on the shelves. The hanging fluorescent lights halo what could be a bad Men In Black parody. Still, the internet connection is as efficent as any waste of money could be and is providing me the means to sweep what would be runny ink in a wilting journal all over various intercepting monitors.
i AM SICK WITH THE ADMINISTRATION OF GOVERNING INSTITUTIONS!
i am not growing, i'm groaning. i am not meeting standards, i am thankfully substandard.
Not that i resent any one person in particular, only my own lack of satisfaction that's not supposed to exist among such good prospects.
i mean, my first inclination in this entry would be to gush about the domestic tranquility this equitable, unlikely and intimate relationship i've found but we all should have those. i am exceptionally lucky to actually invest my energy into someone who is doing the very same. Mutual interest and bond is a beautiful thing, but why so rare?
Let's be honest, things are not tranquil and far from bliss not due to this significant relationship rather the million fractures in all the substantial relationships that have gone before this one. Parents. Best friends. Sisters. Work. Art. Humanity at large.
i am not warped in some world of fairy tale because i have little time for balls and best friends and i seem stuck leaping through hoops to prove i'm worth the natural resources i'm depleting.
School is not "good" ... school is a required distraction so i can pretend to contribute to a murky, mixed-up mess i don't identify with.
School is not "bad" all the time, but the guaranteed isolation, bad memories and lack of contentment are not pleasant.
i want applications to all this ivory tower scholarly jargon.
For example: i don't want to learn German here, i want to learn it from my immigrant grandparents to get to know its utility in their lives. Learning their language is in no way connecting me to how they use it. i have no place in geo-politics. i will never work for a multi-national corporation (by choice). i want practice in living peacefully and productively. i want pragmatic solutions to soothing crisis situations. i don't want buildings in my name or a body of work to classify the world that defined me to be left for the clever to critique and the foolish to value. Why should i cultivate some swollen reputation to be taken from context and out of my concern?
i want a community, not a career.
i want a family, not upward social mobility.
i want a return to functional humanity, not progressive fantasies.
i don't want science or superfluous fiction, i want my small sips of satisfaction.
All this talk of independence and all i want is a little freedom.
Expression without existing with predilection for an appropriate audience is silly.
i don't want complete command. i just want a re-evaluation of whether or not we're applying for residence in a city on a hill that's built to spill.
i just need a little self control and a map home, i'll find the rest on the path. i don't think they're passing out those maps around here.
A long-title for a location of little explanation.
The new state-of-the-art renovations here only pushed dusty tomes further into the rafters and scholastic obscurity. The atmosphere is now far more appropriately sterile with strings of identical computers complimenting the relatively few, virtually untouched reference books on the shelves. The hanging fluorescent lights halo what could be a bad Men In Black parody. Still, the internet connection is as efficent as any waste of money could be and is providing me the means to sweep what would be runny ink in a wilting journal all over various intercepting monitors.
i AM SICK WITH THE ADMINISTRATION OF GOVERNING INSTITUTIONS!
i am not growing, i'm groaning. i am not meeting standards, i am thankfully substandard.
Not that i resent any one person in particular, only my own lack of satisfaction that's not supposed to exist among such good prospects.
i mean, my first inclination in this entry would be to gush about the domestic tranquility this equitable, unlikely and intimate relationship i've found but we all should have those. i am exceptionally lucky to actually invest my energy into someone who is doing the very same. Mutual interest and bond is a beautiful thing, but why so rare?
Let's be honest, things are not tranquil and far from bliss not due to this significant relationship rather the million fractures in all the substantial relationships that have gone before this one. Parents. Best friends. Sisters. Work. Art. Humanity at large.
i am not warped in some world of fairy tale because i have little time for balls and best friends and i seem stuck leaping through hoops to prove i'm worth the natural resources i'm depleting.
School is not "good" ... school is a required distraction so i can pretend to contribute to a murky, mixed-up mess i don't identify with.
School is not "bad" all the time, but the guaranteed isolation, bad memories and lack of contentment are not pleasant.
i want applications to all this ivory tower scholarly jargon.
For example: i don't want to learn German here, i want to learn it from my immigrant grandparents to get to know its utility in their lives. Learning their language is in no way connecting me to how they use it. i have no place in geo-politics. i will never work for a multi-national corporation (by choice). i want practice in living peacefully and productively. i want pragmatic solutions to soothing crisis situations. i don't want buildings in my name or a body of work to classify the world that defined me to be left for the clever to critique and the foolish to value. Why should i cultivate some swollen reputation to be taken from context and out of my concern?
i want a community, not a career.
i want a family, not upward social mobility.
i want a return to functional humanity, not progressive fantasies.
i don't want science or superfluous fiction, i want my small sips of satisfaction.
All this talk of independence and all i want is a little freedom.
Expression without existing with predilection for an appropriate audience is silly.
i don't want complete command. i just want a re-evaluation of whether or not we're applying for residence in a city on a hill that's built to spill.
i just need a little self control and a map home, i'll find the rest on the path. i don't think they're passing out those maps around here.