Angst & Adderall, an important admission
(mmm ...like candy from a capitalist!) That last entry was so emotionally driven that it was probably taken as drivel.
i am now medicated on 25 mg of Adderall XR so i can talk frankly about what dismays me.
i am considered mentally disabled because my neurotransmitters travel at an abnormal frequency, but ain't i human?
i am an addict, but not to Adderall, to other, much stranger substances.
The moral of my story: addiction and psychological dysfunction are not limited to dangerous drugs or gangsters, look no further than the fridgerator or your funny friend.
[Lots of the medical terms here refer to technical details of what regulates in the brain to balance feelings of wellbeing.]
Regulation of dopamine and nonepinephrine was previously either high or low (like a drug addict) and my mind was murky.
In such a state, motivating the smallest movement was a merciless task that i counteracted by distinctly exaggerated (animated) movement.
--- i had no capacity to work on small tasks, even hygenic ones such as dressing and caring for myself appropriately.
--- i could never get to sleep before 1 am.
--- i only functioned at night from peak hours of about 10:30pm-2:30am, only to wake up at 6(:30)am for school.
--- i could barely keep my eyes open from 8am-12:30pm
--- i stimulated my neurotransmitters by eating large quantities of sugary, then salty foods from mid-afternoon until midnight and as a result became obese and stretched out my otherwise small frame
--- When i fell in-(well-documented)love with John, my dopamine regulated more naturally*[1]
--- After we discontinued our relationship, i returned to poor eating patterns and shifty scholastic sensibilities (i was literally addicted, to the point that i would steal food from even my darling roommate or the garbage can)
"Adderall® CII is a pharmaceutical stimulant amphetamine used to treat attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder and narcolepsy." [2]
i have been diagnosed as having "limbic ADD" and have had spells of narcolepsy before.
i still have to moderate doses of this medication and i often frustrate myself with my own intensity and unrealistic obligations as well as people close to me who have to deal with swift shifts in mood and volume of expression.
i get along best with those who have had close relationships with addicts or other people who are considered of unusual neurochemistry.
Judging what is best for a person is difficult and when you cannot comprehend the restriction of rewards in their heads it becomes much more difficult.
i lament making life difficult on the people so dear to me, but i also have enjoyed many different perspectives from having to live on marginalized fringes of mainstream behavior.
Jeremy has cerebral palsy, being basically diagnosed as having "non-progressive neurological physical disabilities in the development of human movement and posture" [3]. We share many of the same complaints though our obstacles are not equal. We have a connection and understanding that many people wouldn't comprehend between a "fat@$$" and a "cripple". We were thankfully born modestly attractive and middle-class enough to be exposed to therapy and pharmacies and how to win friends and influence people.
We share an overwhelming sense of caring that is atypical, because we needed a great deal of specialized, individual care and we did not (and do not) always receive it.
Neurological lows are not strange to us nor the sensation of devastation.
We chose extreme fashion (or lack thereof) and social statements because it was necessary to display an alternative image to attract people of similar understanding.
People would like to care, but are uncomfortable with what they are unfamiliar with whether it is behavioral or even simply symbolically (in an aesthetic sense). Human beings do not want exposure to situations they cannot handle or comprehend for obvious reasons.
What can one do if they cannot change conflicting conditions? Suffer? We are not structurally situated for suffering.
The body cannot process it and it manifests in stress and, in my case, stretch marks.
Because i do not have any obvious ailments i am often overlooked as having any "real problems" because they are physiological and physical as a result of an internal conflict that is a continuing challenge.
People are scared of their "dark sides", but why?
We have a warm, interlaced inside just as complex (some would argue more complex) than its outside.
Why can't we comprehend that the insides are so similar that the outside couldn't possibly be and experience difference as simply as that?
In existing, we must integrate and in our wide and expressive worlds of knowledge, dynamic societies, and electric reality, of course biology itself can interfere with our condition to comprehend commonalities.
Thank science we can. Thank you if you could keep up with all this. All's well that transcends well.
* (My sister is addicted to feeling romantic love and has had serious health and family consequences as a result. She will need serious psychological help to place herself in an state of normalcy.)
[1] CNN.com | http://www.cnn.com/2006/HEALTH/conditions/02/14/science.of.love/index.html
[2] Wiki | http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adderall
[3] Wiki | http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cerebral_palsy