I'm in a terrible place right now...
You never fully appreciate what you have until you lose it... You can't imagine how much losing something that really only happened once a week has started a snowball effect of bad feelings about myself and my life.
It seems that at the same time that I'm realizing that people at work are probably never going to be my friends (AND that they aren't the kind of people I want to be friends with anyway), my old friends have started branching out on their own, finding new outlets, or new jobs that keep them away from me. So, basically, Jason is forced into a corner, providing the sole outlet for me. And I hate that feeling, so I go to the mall or walk around Waterford by myself and the feelings just become more intense. In my Glamour magazine, the horoscope says that Pluto is crossing through Cancer or some bull, and that this whole month is going to feel like a major dose of hormones. I'm finding this exceedingly true.
As much as I crave it, I'm too moody to even entertain female companionship. Instead, I wear pjs and watch boy TV with boys. I don't put make-up on some days (which doesn't sound like much, but I LOVE everything about make-up), and most days my hair is pulled back, or put into some other configuration for work in the food industry. I seriously feel like I'm slipping away. If I start posting online about playing video games or how I don't understand why anyone ever puts on make-up, please just put me away. My life would be over at that point.
The worst thing, though, is thinking about my birthday. I'll be 21 in very little over a month, and the first birthday plans started big...I was going to NYC, and literally everything under the sun that no one could've seen coming has come up since then (and it would've been a huge stretch for us anyway), so that was out. Then I thought that I would go out with friends who've been waiting YEARS for me to be old enough, and now I just don't care about that anymore. I don't care about doing any of that stuff anymore, and yet it kills me to know that this birthday is going to be no different that the last 2. At least before then my parents threw me parties. I'm sure they would now without Jason (which is out of the question, but at least I'd feel like SOMEONE cared).
I know I'm just in a rut, that this will be a time when my character grows and changes by leaps and bounds, and I'm already learning a lot about myself and others. I just needed some catharsis. Where better than good ol' LJ?
It seems that at the same time that I'm realizing that people at work are probably never going to be my friends (AND that they aren't the kind of people I want to be friends with anyway), my old friends have started branching out on their own, finding new outlets, or new jobs that keep them away from me. So, basically, Jason is forced into a corner, providing the sole outlet for me. And I hate that feeling, so I go to the mall or walk around Waterford by myself and the feelings just become more intense. In my Glamour magazine, the horoscope says that Pluto is crossing through Cancer or some bull, and that this whole month is going to feel like a major dose of hormones. I'm finding this exceedingly true.
As much as I crave it, I'm too moody to even entertain female companionship. Instead, I wear pjs and watch boy TV with boys. I don't put make-up on some days (which doesn't sound like much, but I LOVE everything about make-up), and most days my hair is pulled back, or put into some other configuration for work in the food industry. I seriously feel like I'm slipping away. If I start posting online about playing video games or how I don't understand why anyone ever puts on make-up, please just put me away. My life would be over at that point.
The worst thing, though, is thinking about my birthday. I'll be 21 in very little over a month, and the first birthday plans started big...I was going to NYC, and literally everything under the sun that no one could've seen coming has come up since then (and it would've been a huge stretch for us anyway), so that was out. Then I thought that I would go out with friends who've been waiting YEARS for me to be old enough, and now I just don't care about that anymore. I don't care about doing any of that stuff anymore, and yet it kills me to know that this birthday is going to be no different that the last 2. At least before then my parents threw me parties. I'm sure they would now without Jason (which is out of the question, but at least I'd feel like SOMEONE cared).
I know I'm just in a rut, that this will be a time when my character grows and changes by leaps and bounds, and I'm already learning a lot about myself and others. I just needed some catharsis. Where better than good ol' LJ?