Eyes Like Honey - A Sakurai Sho Fanfic (22/?)
Pairing: Sakurai Sho x Fictional Female (Reader) *see note below
Rating: R for whole series, PG-13 for Ch.22
Genre: Romance, Drama
Word count: 5,445
Plot: A 33-year-old singleton, Nijishima Kokoro, finds herself at a host club where she meets the club's most popular host, Sakurai Sho. The encounter propels Kokoro to explore a different kind of love as Sho helps Kokoro discover herself.
NOTE: This story reads like a shoujo manga--it is written in a fictitious first-person narrative where the reader is the protagonist. Please proceed with caution if you are uncomfortable with JE members having relationships with fictitious female characters (even if that female is you!).
Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 12 | Chapter 13 | Chapter 14 | Chapter 15 | Chapter 16 | Chapter 17 | Chapter 18 | Chapter 19 | Chapter 20 | Chapter 21
Chapter Twenty-two: The Elusive Enemy
“I can’t believe you’re doing this, but we fully support your decision. Right, Juri?”
Reiko eyed Juri for affirmation, but instead received a troubled look. I couldn’t blame her. What I had just proposed was quite unlike me, and Juri, being the careful, apprehensive one, wasn’t going to nod her head ‘yes’ so easily.
Juri took a deep breath and fixed her bangs before opening her mouth. “It’s not that I don’t support you, Kokoro. I’m just scared that something will happen to you. Once you meddle with people like them, they will make you see it through. They won’t leave you alone.”
So, what exactly did I suggest I’d do?
“I know. I’m worried about that, too,” I nodded in agreement. “But, after talking with Hayato-san, I realized something. All this time, I thought Sho-san chose to remain in his self-created prison. I thought he was too afraid to let go of the past and allow himself to move on. But, I was wrong. They framed him. They set a trap and he’s caught in it. Who else is going to save him? I can’t just sit here a bystander and do nothing, knowing what I know.”
Juri bit her lower lip as her eyebrows sloped downward. It looked like she was about to cry, and that concerned me because she was not one to waste her tears on insignificant things. She closed her eyes to collect her thoughts, then took another deep breath as she shook her head vertically.
“I’m not letting you do this alone,” she protested. “I’ll allow it on one condition: Reiko and I are joining your fight.”
“What…?” I shook my head. “No, no. I can’t drag you two into this. What if something happens to you guys?”
“You seem to understand my worry but clearly, you aren’t applying the same rules to yourself,” Juri raised her eyebrows and crossed her arms. “This is non-negotiable. We’re in, or you’re out.”
When I saw the unwavering look of determination on her face, I felt my once resolute judgment falter. Was my plan to save Sho-san worth endangering my best friends? Those two sides should never have to fight against each other, and yet, my proposition did just that. Suddenly, I felt a tinge of guilt.
“Not like we’re going to take ‘no’ for an answer, anyway.” Reiko shrugged her shoulders. “And besides, we’re kind of a trio. Like it or not, where one of us goes, the other two tag along.”
“I want to know how serious you are about this, Kokoro. If it’s important to you, it’s important to us.” Juri added.
And just like that, the weight of guilt left me. Though it frightened me to think of what we were about to face, I also felt eerily confident. It was all thanks to my friends.
“I really don’t know what I did to deserve you two,” I smiled faintly. “Thank you.”
Reiko smiled back. “All right. So, what’s the gameplan?”
“Wait, before we discuss details…” Juri stopped her. “What about Ban-san?”
I bit my lower lip and hung my head like a child being scolded. Leave it to Juri to not gloss over something like this. Honestly, I didn’t have an answer. Ban-chan had become a very special person in my life. He had lifted a curse I didn’t even know I had and showed me how gentle and--dare I say it--comfortable a relationship could be. For most of my life, I believed such a word to be an insult, but Ban-chan taught me otherwise. I owed him so much more than just my time and emotional investment, and yet, I felt like I hadn’t reciprocated or given back even a fraction of what he’s given me. I’d be lying if I said my heart wasn’t in the relationship. In fact, it surprised me that I had let him in so much, so soon. I couldn’t put a finger on the feeling just yet, but it was certainly starting to feel a lot like love. Still, I couldn’t in good conscience ignore my calling.
“My goal isn’t to win his heart back,” I responded feebly. “I don’t expect to get back with Sho-san. I’m merely trying to set him free.”
Juri sighed, a look of pity crossing her face. “Kokoro. There’s nothing to win back. His heart never left you.”
“What?” I replied, confused. “Are you saying I’m still holding on to him?”
She shook her head. “Remember the last time we saw him at the cafe? I wanted to slap him in the face after what he did to you, but I couldn’t because it occurred to me that he still loves you. I’ll never forget that look on his face.”
“...What look?” I asked nervously.
“Mm…” Juri searched for the right word. “Longing?”
“His eyes followed you out the door because his legs wouldn’t,” Reiko chimed in.
Longing? My eyes swam aimlessly. Surprisingly enough, it actually hurt me to hear this. He made it seem like he and I had no other option but to go our separate ways. But, there’s always more than one choice in any situation. He could have stayed, but chose to leave. Did he have the right to long for me?
“Kokoro?” Reiko’s concerned voice called for me.
“Sorry…”
“This is what I’m talking about, Kokoro,” Juri continued mercilessly. “Are you sure ‘saving’ Sho-san isn’t synonymous with ‘wanting him back’? Because if it is, that’s a different battle altogether.”
She was right. After realizing without a doubt that he had taken me home from the bar, I reacted so intuitively that I hadn’t sat down to think over my motives. It never occurred to me that saving him could also mean being with him again. Fond memories came flooding back to remind me of what I could potentially regain. I missed his knowing smile, his intoxicating touch, the emotional release, those beautiful, brown eyes… But, it seemed enough time had finally past, and with it came healing.
“I just want to save him from his past,” I finally responded. “Nothing more, nothing less.”
Juri stared at me for a few seconds before nodding. “You’ve changed, Kokoro.”
“...I hope in a good way?” I asked anxiously.
“I wouldn’t be agreeing to this if the answer to that question was ‘no’. I’m really proud of you,” she grinned.
I looked down shyly. “I can’t take credit for this.”
“Isn’t that why you’re going into battle in the first place?” Reiko raised her eyebrows with confidence. “He freed you. Now, it’s your turn to free him.”
I chuckled defeatedly. “Cheesy, huh?”
“Gutsy,” Juri corrected.
“And a bit crazy, if you ask me,” Reiko added before cracking her knuckles. “All right. Let’s do this.”
.
.
.
For the next few days on my way home from work, I deliberately got off one train station away from my house in hopes that I would run into Riina and her son, Riku. Reiko had asked me what my gameplan was, but in all honesty, I didn’t really have one. All I knew was, if I wanted to save Sho-san, I had to know his enemies. With no leads other than knowing where Riina lived, my only option was to frequent near her home. I felt like a stalker but what else could I do? By the end of the week, the employee at the convenience store across the street practically knew me. I’d always get the same thing: a bottle of hot lemon tea.
“That’ll be 160 yen,” the usual employee said without looking at me. “Would you like a bag?”
I reached into my purse for my wallet and took out a 500 yen coin. “No thanks.”
The employee took the money and placed a piece of tape on the bottle to mark it as paid. I decided to look out the door while waiting for my change. It was then that the person I had been waiting for had finally showed up.
“340 yen is your ch--”
“Keep it!”
I grabbed the bottle of tea and dashed out the door. The light was red but thankfully, no cars were passing by. I ran to the other side of the street just as she was about to key into the building. My heart was beating so fast, I could feel my blood pulsing in my fingers.
“E-Excuse me…!”
Her long curls bounced as she turned to look my way. “Yes?”
When I said I didn’t really have a gameplan, I wasn’t kidding. Now that I had gotten her attention, I didn’t know what to do. I’d sound like a stalker no matter what I said next.
“Wait a minute.” She walked toward me to get a closer look. “I know who you are. What the hell are you doing here?”
My mind drew a blank and my body froze. How does she know me? Suddenly, I regretted approaching her. These were not normal people; they target people for a living. The mere fact that she had identified me was a sign that I was, am, or will soon become one of those targets. I tried my best to keep my fears concealed, but I was stunned silent and couldn’t answer her question.
“Seriously? You came all the way here to find me and now you’re chickening out?” She scoffed. “What a joke.”
It terrified me just how much she knew. I had only said two words so far and she already revealed that she knew who I was and that I had been looking for her. My fingers and toes were starting to feel cold and clammy.
“Look. I’ll let you off the hook this time if you just turn around and never come back again.” She gestured her hand to shoo me away like a stray dog before fidgeting with her keys at the door.
“If my hypothesis is true, then Sho-san is caught in a trap.” Hayato-san’s voice sounded like a warning. I turned my hands into fists to gather up what little courage I had left.
“Where’s your son?” I blurted impulsively.
Her hand froze in place. For the first time during this conversation, I felt like I had the upperhand. She slowly turned her head toward me before giving her final warning. “You bring my child into this, and I’ll make you wish you were dead.”
Though my knees locked from fear and my breathing had become shallow, I knew I couldn’t let her threat stop me. This is my calling. I need to save Sho-san.
“Riina-san.” I paused to look her straight in the eyes. “He’s not the father, is he?”
Her expression didn’t change. When it did, a corner of her lips curled derisively. “That’s not what he thinks.”
My body reacted before my mind could catch up. How easy it would have been to return the attack with hostile words, but fighting fire with fire was beneath me. My goal is not to win him back; it’s to release his shackles.
“I beg you, please…!” I abandoned all pride and bowed my head deeply. “Please don’t hurt him anymore.”
“Pfft, excuse me?” Riina gave a dry laugh. “You’re pathetic.”
I didn’t care. “He’s suffered enough. Please.” I kept my head down.
Suddenly, I felt her fingers grab the back of my head. She yanked me back up by my hair and stared straight into my eyes with an expression full of contempt. My knees nearly gave way from fear but I dared not look away.
“Do you really think he’d leave me for someone so… plain?” She asked mockingly as her eyes scanned me up and down.
Ah. As expected, she had completely misunderstood. Her insults didn’t hurt me. I knew where she was coming from and almost felt sorry for her.
“That’s not what I said,” I managed to squeeze the words out of my throat.
“Excuse me?” She tugged on my hair.
“I’m asking you to leave him alone. This has nothing to do with me.”
She opened her mouth and let out a gasp of disgust before letting go of my hair and shoving me away. “You really are a pathetic, little bitch.”
As she turned and walked back toward her apartment building, I had a feeling that if I let her go, I’d never see her again. This was my first and only chance to pry as much information out of her as possible. I knew I had jumped head first in the deep end, into their territory. There were only two choices in front of me: either I fight to stay afloat or drown. Her words were razor sharp but they surprisingly didn’t cut or wound me. If she had reviled about Sho-san, disrespected him in any way, I knew I would have clawed back. You’re attacking the wrong person, hun. No amount of ugly, contemptuous name-calling scared me. Sho-san. Would it be presumptuous of me to say that though you’re the reason I’m in this mess, you’re also the shield protecting me right here in this fight or flight moment?
“Is your son with his father?” I was working with very limited knowledge, but judging from the reaction I saw earlier, I had a hunch that her son was the way in.
She clicked her tongue and raised her eyebrows, her eyes widening in fury. “Didn’t I already warn you that if you bring my son into this, you’ll regret it?”
“Or is he not allowed to see his real father?” I provoked further.
“Shut up.”
“Or is it the other way around?” I pressed. “You don’t want his father near your son?”
Something hadn’t sat well with me since the moment I learned that the loan shark was her son’s father. Assuming the two were trying to frame Sho-san together, it made sense that she kept his identity a secret. But, what about them? I recalled Toma’s confession about him dragging her out of Akatsuki and telling Sho-san to never come near her again. If they had planned to gang up on Sho-san to hold him financially responsible for the child, then why did he tell him to stay away? Could it be that this child was retribution for a wrongdoing, a way to anchor her down so she couldn’t run? Was she actually another victim?
It seemed that I had indeed struck a nerve, but her reaction confused me. I was ready for her to come at me with a vengeance. Instead, the knuckles of her hand turned white clenching her keys. Her head hung limply, her gaze now at the ground. I couldn’t see her face, but I was pretty certain she was fighting back tears.
“Stop…” I couldn’t believe I was talking to the same person. Her voice had become feeble and gutless.
“Riina-san. Are you in danger?” I asked, concerned.
“Stop it…!” She flung her free arm to keep me away. “Stay out of this. If Sho finds out what you’re trying to do, you’ll get him killed.”
“What…?” Hearing her say his name felt like a punch to the stomach. What did she mean?
She closed her eyes shut and tears like pearls rolled down her beautiful cheeks. “Don’t you get it? He left you so he could protect you. What are you doing, throwing him under the bus like this?”
My heart was sprinting. Had my desire to save him actually placed him in grave danger?
“Wait, what do you mean?” I grabbed her arm. “Is he okay?!”
“Let go of me.” She pulled her arm away but my fingers didn’t let her escape.
“Riina-san, please… tell me what’s going on. I need to know.” My grip tightened on her shirt.
She sighed angrily. “Why?! You can still leave unscathed. I’ll pretend this never happened, all right? Run while you still can.”
“No,” I shook my head defiantly. “I’ve already tried that and failed miserably.”
♪～
A lively ringtone interrupted our tense argument. Riina’s face instantly froze in a state of panic. She didn’t need to look at her phone; it was clear she knew exactly who was calling.
“You need to leave. I mean it.” She pried my fingers away from her arm and warned me one last time with her eyes.
I stared back at her, unable to follow her orders. She glared back at me for being so unreasonably stubborn. After the fourth ring, she seemed to give up on me. Her hand rushed to locate the phone in her purse.
“Hello?” She sounded nervous. “...Sorry, I was getting a drink at the convenience store. I’m heading back inside now…...Yes, I’ll come by to drop off the money tomorrow…… Understood.”
As she pressed the ‘end call’ button on her phone, I was convinced: the woman in front of me was also a victim. It may be true that she set the trap to deceive Sho-san, but she was caught in one herself. The look of terror on her face, her pale hand gripping tightly onto her phone… Maybe it wasn’t my business, but I just couldn’t bring myself to pretend like I hadn’t witnessed what happened.
“...Riina-san, are you--”
“God…” Her voice was almost a whisper and her face contorted with crippling affliction. “Why won’t you leave me alone? Why are you deliberately ruining your life? Sho’s going to kill me...”
“He won’t,” I replied without hesitation. “I’m here on my own accord. You didn’t do anything.”
She looked at me, her eyes welling with an anguish I could only imagine. “You’re insane, you know that? I ruined Sho’s life. At the very least, you should be outraged. I deserve your wrath.”
I took a deep breath and nodded. “You’re right. But, what good would that do? It gets me no closer to helping him.”
“And endangering yourself does?” She challenged. “Look. You have 10 minutes left to get the hell out of here. After that, I can’t help you.”
Though her words were alarming, her eyes were almost begging me to stay. She was contradicting herself right in front of me and I wondered if she knew that I could tell.
“I appreciate your sentiment, but it’s not your job to help me.” I made sure she was looking straight back at me before I finished my thought. “But, if you’re not willing to save yourself, I can’t help you, either.”
Before she could give a rebuttal, I reached into my purse, pulled out a business card, and pressed it into her hand. She twitched her eyebrows, confused.
“You probably didn’t need me to tell you where I work,” I lowered my voice. “But, if you change your mind, come find me.”
.
.
.
Weeks went by but Riina never came. I still sometimes took her train stop, just to increase my chances of running into her again like I had that one night. Alas, it was starting to look like that was indeed the first and last time I would interact with her. With no other leads, I felt like I had hit a dead end. I thought about our interaction frequently and wondered why she was so resolved to accepting her current situation. My only conclusion? Remaining in the trap was the only way to protect her son. If I really wanted to save Sho-san, I had to first save Riina and Riku-kun. That was becoming increasingly clear.
“Nijishima?”
Ban-chan’s voice snapped me away from the thoughts in my head. My hair salon had a day off for maintenance purposes, so he took today off to make time to meet with me. With holiday season just around the corner, work got busy for both of us and we hadn’t seen each other in a while. I appreciated his willingness to match my schedule so that we could spend time together. This wasn’t the time to be speculating about someone else; I wanted to enjoy Ban-chan’s company to the fullest.
“Sorry, I was spacing out again, wasn’t I?”
He squeezed my hand in his and smiled. “Did you want to take a break? There’s a nice cafe on the top floor.”
I shook my head. “No, I’m okay. How about this one?”
I picked up a pair of brown-framed, wayfarer glasses and handed it to him. After lunch at a nearby Spanish restaurant, he suggested we walk around a department store. When we passed by an eyewear shop, he mentioned that he had been thinking about getting a new pair of glasses to wear at home. The thought of him wearing glasses that I helped pick out made me smile, so I didn’t hesitate to offer help in choosing one. The shape of these particular glasses were hard to pull off, but I had a hunch that it would frame his face well.
“How does it look?”
His slender fingers situated the brown-rimmed glasses in place. An eager gaze awaited my opinion.
“I think that’s the one,” I smiled. “It brings out the browns of your eyes.”
He tapped one side of the glasses playfully. “I’ll take it, then.”
We decided to grab coffee while his glasses were being made. There was one open table so I snatched it while Ban-chan ordered our drinks. Next to me were three high school girls who had started whispering excitedly.
“See him? The one ordering right now?”
“Oh, my god. He looks like he walked straight out of a shoujo manga!”
“How dreamy…”
I covered my mouth with my hand to hide a grin. That would be my date, owner and chef of Trattoria Baccanale. Curious, I, too, followed his movements with my eyes. Hearing the girls talk about him took me back to middle school. A good chunk of my classmates had some level of infatuation with him, and they’d regularly gossip about how he was the ‘class boyfriend’ who belonged to everyone. Sometimes, it slips my mind that he’s quite the looker because I’ve known him for so long. In this case, it took a group of highschoolers to remind me.
“Is there something on my face?” Ban-chan asked as he placed a latte in front of me.
I kept my eyes on him but responded to his question with a giggle.
“What is it?” He sat down and looked back at me curiously.
“Just looking,” I replied playfully before taking a sip of my drink.
He eyed me suspiciously, unsatisfied with my answer. Still, he didn’t press further and changed the subject.
“Do you want to go see the Christmas lights in Tokyo Midtown after dinner?” He suggested.
I was mid-sip but I nodded excitedly. The end of the year snuck up on me, what with all that’s been going on in my life. How things have changed since last winter. For a brief moment, my mind drifted off into thoughts of Sho-san. I wondered how he was doing. Was anyone taking care of him? In the distance, I could see a ferris wheel and it reminded me of the first time I saw him in his true element, with nothing but a camera in hand. I wonder if he ever won that contest… It pained me to not have the slightest clue about what was going on in his life.
“...shima. Nijishima?”
Ban-chan’s voice once again brought me back to the moment.
“Gosh, I’m so sorry, Ban-chan.”
This was more than a mere apology; it was an offering of remorse. I felt terrible. Ban-chan was attentive, present, and engaged in our time together. Meanwhile, my mind was constantly drifting off into unproductive thoughts. How would I feel if I were on a date with someone who was thinking about someone else? I bowed my head, disappointed in myself for being so rude.
“...Something wrong?”
His caring voice wrung at my heart. Not only was I an awful date, I was keeping something weighty from him. It wasn’t like I had deliberately withheld the information; I just didn’t know how to bring it up with him. Would Ban-chan believe me if I said that my reason for placing myself in potential danger was simply to save a certain man, nothing more, nothing less? Or would he, like Juri and Riina, misunderstand my actions as having ulterior motives? After playing out the scenario in my head over and over again, I concluded that it would do more harm than good to tell Ban-chan. As a consequence very much deserved, I lived with a guilty conscience.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. You don’t need to answer that question.”
And every time, Ban-chan threw me a lifeline so I didn’t have to explain myself. And each time, I took him up on his offer like the guilty coward I am. When I looked at him sheepishly, he smiled but sighed as to let out his frustration.
“Just so you know, whatever is weighing on your mind, I’m ready to share the load with you. I won’t ever force you to tell me, but… sometimes, I wish you’d depend on me more.”
Of course. He had every right to feel that way. I was depriving him of a role he wanted to take in my life just because I was afraid of how he’d react. Ban-chan turned his head to look out the window. I knew he wasn’t looking for an immediate explanation, but I wanted him to know I trusted him. It was time I told him what I’d decided to do; he deserved to hear it.
“Ban-chan…?”
He kept his eyes on me the entire time I spoke and didn’t interrupt me with questions or comments. Though I didn’t disclose every detail, I told him that I believed Sho-san was caught in a trap and that I felt it was my calling to save him. Once I had finished, I hung my head and stared at my lap, too afraid to see the look on his face. Ban-chan didn’t say anything for a while. Anxiety surfaced as a nervous tick in my fingers as they played with the seams of my skirt. The silence was so deafening that I cleared my throat just to fill the space between.
“Thanks for sharing that. I know it wasn’t easy.”
When Ban-chan finally spoke, his voice was respectful but serious. I had played this out in my mind many times, but this certainly was not the response I was expecting. Anger, jealousy, disgust? Those emotions would be warranted in such a situation. And yet, I neither felt judged nor ridiculed.
“I’ll ask you this, though: would this bring closure for you?”
His question caught me off-guard. I had never thought of it from that point of view before. I lifted my head and looked back at Ban-chan. There was a look of concern on his face.
“Or would it make it harder for you to move on?” He continued.
My eyes swam aimlessly as I digested his words. I felt as though Ban-chan had found a chink in my armor. In my ardent attempt to save Sho-san, I had inadvertently created a blindspot. Perhaps my intentions were pure--altruistic, even. But, were they truly to serve one purpose? I hadn’t thought about what would come after the fact. All this time, I thought the goal was to free Sho-san. Ban-chan, however, was sagacious enough to see the bigger picture. His questions also revealed to me that I never found closure; it was no wonder Sho-san still consumed my thoughts.
Ban-chan took a deep breath. “I hope you know I’m trying really hard to not be selfish right now. I could tell you to abandon your plans altogether, but then, I would be doing you a disservice.”
“Excuse me…?” I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion.
“He’s not the only one who wants you to be happy.” He pursed his lips and briefly hesitated to finish his thought. “...If that means I’m not in the picture, well… that’s a tradeoff I’m willing to make.”
I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. What had I done to deserve this man? My heart grew in fondness for him.
“I really don’t deserve you. How did I let you fall through the cracks the first time around?” I bit my lips to keep the tears at bay.
Ban-chan let out a soft chuckle as he collected the mug in front of me and placed it back on his tray. “That’s the second best compliment I’ve ever received. You already know what the first one is.”
If a gaze could talk, I was pretty sure mine was saying, ‘I think I’m in love with you.’ My heart wasn’t ready to verbalize it just yet, so I hoped that for now, this gaze would suffice.
.
.
.
As cheesy as it may seem, I refuse to call a stroll around town with a date during the holiday season overrated. It was thankfully a weeknight, so though there were still a good amount of people at Tokyo Midtown, it wasn’t suffocating and we had plenty of space to stand and admire the lights at our own pace. In front of us was a sea of blue. The lights twinkled and created a magical painting with business buildings as their backdrop. In the distance, we could see Tokyo Tower asserting its presence with its red flare. Our breaths turned white in the crisp, winter air and nudged us to stand closer together for warmth.
“Another great idea from the hopeful romantic,” I smiled. “This is beautiful!”
“It’s only romantic because of the company,” he corrected. “See those businessmen passing by without giving a glance?”
I nodded, but didn’t blame them, really. They were the manifestation of the loss of innocence, the death of wonder. As we age, we become calloused to the beauties of the world, and we miss the small blessings evident everywhere because we lose the patience and curiosity to look for them.
“I feel sorry for people like them. Look at what they’re missing, what they’re taking for granted. All they have to do is give a damn.”
This was the Ban-chan I loved most. His love for life and his ability to find beauty in the mundane were contagious.
“Hm? What is it?” Ban-chan raised his eyebrows playfully, noticing that I had been staring up at him.
“If I didn’t run into you again, I would have still been in that group of people.” I squeezed his upper arm with my hand. “Life would have been a lot more boring.”
He smiled. “I’ve had it with regrets, that’s all.”
I knew what he meant, and he didn’t need to explain himself further. I threaded my arm through his and leaned in closer to let him know I understood. He straightened his back and took a breath. Though we weren’t looking at each other, it felt as though a connection had happened on a deeper level. Would it be inappropriate of me to ask him to stay the night with me?
“Hey, Ban-chan. I was thi...nk...ing…”
Alas, I was unable to finish my thought. On the other side of the large, Christmas tree, I saw three, familiar faces. To my dismay, I noticed him first. A coffee brown duffel coat, fitted jeans, and camel-colored leather shoes. His soft hair moved with his every step, his movements mesmerizing. There was no mistaking those eyes like honey. Beside him was a child holding his hand… and on the child’s other side was an impeccably-dressed woman with beautiful curls. My eyes followed them as they made their way to our side. Run, Kokoro. Though my head knew better, my body refused as my feet anchored themselves to the ground. Oh, god. Don’t look this way. Please.
“Papa! Look at this Christmas tree!”
A little boy’s voice pierced through the conglomeration of city sounds and shot through my ears. It felt like someone had poured ice water over my head. I wanted to look away. I needed to look away. And yet, I couldn’t take my gaze off the man holding the child’s hand. His bangs fell over his eyebrows as he looked down toward the voice that called for him, a smile so endearing the recipient would know without a shadow of a doubt that his feelings were sincere.
As I stood there frozen in place, I noticed that the man who had been standing beside me was no longer there. In my state of shock, I had just enough time to realize what had just happened.
Rating: R for whole series, PG-13 for Ch.22
Genre: Romance, Drama
Word count: 5,445
Plot: A 33-year-old singleton, Nijishima Kokoro, finds herself at a host club where she meets the club's most popular host, Sakurai Sho. The encounter propels Kokoro to explore a different kind of love as Sho helps Kokoro discover herself.
NOTE: This story reads like a shoujo manga--it is written in a fictitious first-person narrative where the reader is the protagonist. Please proceed with caution if you are uncomfortable with JE members having relationships with fictitious female characters (even if that female is you!).
Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 12 | Chapter 13 | Chapter 14 | Chapter 15 | Chapter 16 | Chapter 17 | Chapter 18 | Chapter 19 | Chapter 20 | Chapter 21
Chapter Twenty-two: The Elusive Enemy
“I can’t believe you’re doing this, but we fully support your decision. Right, Juri?”
Reiko eyed Juri for affirmation, but instead received a troubled look. I couldn’t blame her. What I had just proposed was quite unlike me, and Juri, being the careful, apprehensive one, wasn’t going to nod her head ‘yes’ so easily.
Juri took a deep breath and fixed her bangs before opening her mouth. “It’s not that I don’t support you, Kokoro. I’m just scared that something will happen to you. Once you meddle with people like them, they will make you see it through. They won’t leave you alone.”
So, what exactly did I suggest I’d do?
“I know. I’m worried about that, too,” I nodded in agreement. “But, after talking with Hayato-san, I realized something. All this time, I thought Sho-san chose to remain in his self-created prison. I thought he was too afraid to let go of the past and allow himself to move on. But, I was wrong. They framed him. They set a trap and he’s caught in it. Who else is going to save him? I can’t just sit here a bystander and do nothing, knowing what I know.”
Juri bit her lower lip as her eyebrows sloped downward. It looked like she was about to cry, and that concerned me because she was not one to waste her tears on insignificant things. She closed her eyes to collect her thoughts, then took another deep breath as she shook her head vertically.
“I’m not letting you do this alone,” she protested. “I’ll allow it on one condition: Reiko and I are joining your fight.”
“What…?” I shook my head. “No, no. I can’t drag you two into this. What if something happens to you guys?”
“You seem to understand my worry but clearly, you aren’t applying the same rules to yourself,” Juri raised her eyebrows and crossed her arms. “This is non-negotiable. We’re in, or you’re out.”
When I saw the unwavering look of determination on her face, I felt my once resolute judgment falter. Was my plan to save Sho-san worth endangering my best friends? Those two sides should never have to fight against each other, and yet, my proposition did just that. Suddenly, I felt a tinge of guilt.
“Not like we’re going to take ‘no’ for an answer, anyway.” Reiko shrugged her shoulders. “And besides, we’re kind of a trio. Like it or not, where one of us goes, the other two tag along.”
“I want to know how serious you are about this, Kokoro. If it’s important to you, it’s important to us.” Juri added.
And just like that, the weight of guilt left me. Though it frightened me to think of what we were about to face, I also felt eerily confident. It was all thanks to my friends.
“I really don’t know what I did to deserve you two,” I smiled faintly. “Thank you.”
Reiko smiled back. “All right. So, what’s the gameplan?”
“Wait, before we discuss details…” Juri stopped her. “What about Ban-san?”
I bit my lower lip and hung my head like a child being scolded. Leave it to Juri to not gloss over something like this. Honestly, I didn’t have an answer. Ban-chan had become a very special person in my life. He had lifted a curse I didn’t even know I had and showed me how gentle and--dare I say it--comfortable a relationship could be. For most of my life, I believed such a word to be an insult, but Ban-chan taught me otherwise. I owed him so much more than just my time and emotional investment, and yet, I felt like I hadn’t reciprocated or given back even a fraction of what he’s given me. I’d be lying if I said my heart wasn’t in the relationship. In fact, it surprised me that I had let him in so much, so soon. I couldn’t put a finger on the feeling just yet, but it was certainly starting to feel a lot like love. Still, I couldn’t in good conscience ignore my calling.
“My goal isn’t to win his heart back,” I responded feebly. “I don’t expect to get back with Sho-san. I’m merely trying to set him free.”
Juri sighed, a look of pity crossing her face. “Kokoro. There’s nothing to win back. His heart never left you.”
“What?” I replied, confused. “Are you saying I’m still holding on to him?”
She shook her head. “Remember the last time we saw him at the cafe? I wanted to slap him in the face after what he did to you, but I couldn’t because it occurred to me that he still loves you. I’ll never forget that look on his face.”
“...What look?” I asked nervously.
“Mm…” Juri searched for the right word. “Longing?”
“His eyes followed you out the door because his legs wouldn’t,” Reiko chimed in.
Longing? My eyes swam aimlessly. Surprisingly enough, it actually hurt me to hear this. He made it seem like he and I had no other option but to go our separate ways. But, there’s always more than one choice in any situation. He could have stayed, but chose to leave. Did he have the right to long for me?
“Kokoro?” Reiko’s concerned voice called for me.
“Sorry…”
“This is what I’m talking about, Kokoro,” Juri continued mercilessly. “Are you sure ‘saving’ Sho-san isn’t synonymous with ‘wanting him back’? Because if it is, that’s a different battle altogether.”
She was right. After realizing without a doubt that he had taken me home from the bar, I reacted so intuitively that I hadn’t sat down to think over my motives. It never occurred to me that saving him could also mean being with him again. Fond memories came flooding back to remind me of what I could potentially regain. I missed his knowing smile, his intoxicating touch, the emotional release, those beautiful, brown eyes… But, it seemed enough time had finally past, and with it came healing.
“I just want to save him from his past,” I finally responded. “Nothing more, nothing less.”
Juri stared at me for a few seconds before nodding. “You’ve changed, Kokoro.”
“...I hope in a good way?” I asked anxiously.
“I wouldn’t be agreeing to this if the answer to that question was ‘no’. I’m really proud of you,” she grinned.
I looked down shyly. “I can’t take credit for this.”
“Isn’t that why you’re going into battle in the first place?” Reiko raised her eyebrows with confidence. “He freed you. Now, it’s your turn to free him.”
I chuckled defeatedly. “Cheesy, huh?”
“Gutsy,” Juri corrected.
“And a bit crazy, if you ask me,” Reiko added before cracking her knuckles. “All right. Let’s do this.”
.
.
.
For the next few days on my way home from work, I deliberately got off one train station away from my house in hopes that I would run into Riina and her son, Riku. Reiko had asked me what my gameplan was, but in all honesty, I didn’t really have one. All I knew was, if I wanted to save Sho-san, I had to know his enemies. With no leads other than knowing where Riina lived, my only option was to frequent near her home. I felt like a stalker but what else could I do? By the end of the week, the employee at the convenience store across the street practically knew me. I’d always get the same thing: a bottle of hot lemon tea.
“That’ll be 160 yen,” the usual employee said without looking at me. “Would you like a bag?”
I reached into my purse for my wallet and took out a 500 yen coin. “No thanks.”
The employee took the money and placed a piece of tape on the bottle to mark it as paid. I decided to look out the door while waiting for my change. It was then that the person I had been waiting for had finally showed up.
“340 yen is your ch--”
“Keep it!”
I grabbed the bottle of tea and dashed out the door. The light was red but thankfully, no cars were passing by. I ran to the other side of the street just as she was about to key into the building. My heart was beating so fast, I could feel my blood pulsing in my fingers.
“E-Excuse me…!”
Her long curls bounced as she turned to look my way. “Yes?”
When I said I didn’t really have a gameplan, I wasn’t kidding. Now that I had gotten her attention, I didn’t know what to do. I’d sound like a stalker no matter what I said next.
“Wait a minute.” She walked toward me to get a closer look. “I know who you are. What the hell are you doing here?”
My mind drew a blank and my body froze. How does she know me? Suddenly, I regretted approaching her. These were not normal people; they target people for a living. The mere fact that she had identified me was a sign that I was, am, or will soon become one of those targets. I tried my best to keep my fears concealed, but I was stunned silent and couldn’t answer her question.
“Seriously? You came all the way here to find me and now you’re chickening out?” She scoffed. “What a joke.”
It terrified me just how much she knew. I had only said two words so far and she already revealed that she knew who I was and that I had been looking for her. My fingers and toes were starting to feel cold and clammy.
“Look. I’ll let you off the hook this time if you just turn around and never come back again.” She gestured her hand to shoo me away like a stray dog before fidgeting with her keys at the door.
“If my hypothesis is true, then Sho-san is caught in a trap.” Hayato-san’s voice sounded like a warning. I turned my hands into fists to gather up what little courage I had left.
“Where’s your son?” I blurted impulsively.
Her hand froze in place. For the first time during this conversation, I felt like I had the upperhand. She slowly turned her head toward me before giving her final warning. “You bring my child into this, and I’ll make you wish you were dead.”
Though my knees locked from fear and my breathing had become shallow, I knew I couldn’t let her threat stop me. This is my calling. I need to save Sho-san.
“Riina-san.” I paused to look her straight in the eyes. “He’s not the father, is he?”
Her expression didn’t change. When it did, a corner of her lips curled derisively. “That’s not what he thinks.”
My body reacted before my mind could catch up. How easy it would have been to return the attack with hostile words, but fighting fire with fire was beneath me. My goal is not to win him back; it’s to release his shackles.
“I beg you, please…!” I abandoned all pride and bowed my head deeply. “Please don’t hurt him anymore.”
“Pfft, excuse me?” Riina gave a dry laugh. “You’re pathetic.”
I didn’t care. “He’s suffered enough. Please.” I kept my head down.
Suddenly, I felt her fingers grab the back of my head. She yanked me back up by my hair and stared straight into my eyes with an expression full of contempt. My knees nearly gave way from fear but I dared not look away.
“Do you really think he’d leave me for someone so… plain?” She asked mockingly as her eyes scanned me up and down.
Ah. As expected, she had completely misunderstood. Her insults didn’t hurt me. I knew where she was coming from and almost felt sorry for her.
“That’s not what I said,” I managed to squeeze the words out of my throat.
“Excuse me?” She tugged on my hair.
“I’m asking you to leave him alone. This has nothing to do with me.”
She opened her mouth and let out a gasp of disgust before letting go of my hair and shoving me away. “You really are a pathetic, little bitch.”
As she turned and walked back toward her apartment building, I had a feeling that if I let her go, I’d never see her again. This was my first and only chance to pry as much information out of her as possible. I knew I had jumped head first in the deep end, into their territory. There were only two choices in front of me: either I fight to stay afloat or drown. Her words were razor sharp but they surprisingly didn’t cut or wound me. If she had reviled about Sho-san, disrespected him in any way, I knew I would have clawed back. You’re attacking the wrong person, hun. No amount of ugly, contemptuous name-calling scared me. Sho-san. Would it be presumptuous of me to say that though you’re the reason I’m in this mess, you’re also the shield protecting me right here in this fight or flight moment?
“Is your son with his father?” I was working with very limited knowledge, but judging from the reaction I saw earlier, I had a hunch that her son was the way in.
She clicked her tongue and raised her eyebrows, her eyes widening in fury. “Didn’t I already warn you that if you bring my son into this, you’ll regret it?”
“Or is he not allowed to see his real father?” I provoked further.
“Shut up.”
“Or is it the other way around?” I pressed. “You don’t want his father near your son?”
Something hadn’t sat well with me since the moment I learned that the loan shark was her son’s father. Assuming the two were trying to frame Sho-san together, it made sense that she kept his identity a secret. But, what about them? I recalled Toma’s confession about him dragging her out of Akatsuki and telling Sho-san to never come near her again. If they had planned to gang up on Sho-san to hold him financially responsible for the child, then why did he tell him to stay away? Could it be that this child was retribution for a wrongdoing, a way to anchor her down so she couldn’t run? Was she actually another victim?
It seemed that I had indeed struck a nerve, but her reaction confused me. I was ready for her to come at me with a vengeance. Instead, the knuckles of her hand turned white clenching her keys. Her head hung limply, her gaze now at the ground. I couldn’t see her face, but I was pretty certain she was fighting back tears.
“Stop…” I couldn’t believe I was talking to the same person. Her voice had become feeble and gutless.
“Riina-san. Are you in danger?” I asked, concerned.
“Stop it…!” She flung her free arm to keep me away. “Stay out of this. If Sho finds out what you’re trying to do, you’ll get him killed.”
“What…?” Hearing her say his name felt like a punch to the stomach. What did she mean?
She closed her eyes shut and tears like pearls rolled down her beautiful cheeks. “Don’t you get it? He left you so he could protect you. What are you doing, throwing him under the bus like this?”
My heart was sprinting. Had my desire to save him actually placed him in grave danger?
“Wait, what do you mean?” I grabbed her arm. “Is he okay?!”
“Let go of me.” She pulled her arm away but my fingers didn’t let her escape.
“Riina-san, please… tell me what’s going on. I need to know.” My grip tightened on her shirt.
She sighed angrily. “Why?! You can still leave unscathed. I’ll pretend this never happened, all right? Run while you still can.”
“No,” I shook my head defiantly. “I’ve already tried that and failed miserably.”
♪～
A lively ringtone interrupted our tense argument. Riina’s face instantly froze in a state of panic. She didn’t need to look at her phone; it was clear she knew exactly who was calling.
“You need to leave. I mean it.” She pried my fingers away from her arm and warned me one last time with her eyes.
I stared back at her, unable to follow her orders. She glared back at me for being so unreasonably stubborn. After the fourth ring, she seemed to give up on me. Her hand rushed to locate the phone in her purse.
“Hello?” She sounded nervous. “...Sorry, I was getting a drink at the convenience store. I’m heading back inside now…...Yes, I’ll come by to drop off the money tomorrow…… Understood.”
As she pressed the ‘end call’ button on her phone, I was convinced: the woman in front of me was also a victim. It may be true that she set the trap to deceive Sho-san, but she was caught in one herself. The look of terror on her face, her pale hand gripping tightly onto her phone… Maybe it wasn’t my business, but I just couldn’t bring myself to pretend like I hadn’t witnessed what happened.
“...Riina-san, are you--”
“God…” Her voice was almost a whisper and her face contorted with crippling affliction. “Why won’t you leave me alone? Why are you deliberately ruining your life? Sho’s going to kill me...”
“He won’t,” I replied without hesitation. “I’m here on my own accord. You didn’t do anything.”
She looked at me, her eyes welling with an anguish I could only imagine. “You’re insane, you know that? I ruined Sho’s life. At the very least, you should be outraged. I deserve your wrath.”
I took a deep breath and nodded. “You’re right. But, what good would that do? It gets me no closer to helping him.”
“And endangering yourself does?” She challenged. “Look. You have 10 minutes left to get the hell out of here. After that, I can’t help you.”
Though her words were alarming, her eyes were almost begging me to stay. She was contradicting herself right in front of me and I wondered if she knew that I could tell.
“I appreciate your sentiment, but it’s not your job to help me.” I made sure she was looking straight back at me before I finished my thought. “But, if you’re not willing to save yourself, I can’t help you, either.”
Before she could give a rebuttal, I reached into my purse, pulled out a business card, and pressed it into her hand. She twitched her eyebrows, confused.
“You probably didn’t need me to tell you where I work,” I lowered my voice. “But, if you change your mind, come find me.”
.
.
.
Weeks went by but Riina never came. I still sometimes took her train stop, just to increase my chances of running into her again like I had that one night. Alas, it was starting to look like that was indeed the first and last time I would interact with her. With no other leads, I felt like I had hit a dead end. I thought about our interaction frequently and wondered why she was so resolved to accepting her current situation. My only conclusion? Remaining in the trap was the only way to protect her son. If I really wanted to save Sho-san, I had to first save Riina and Riku-kun. That was becoming increasingly clear.
“Nijishima?”
Ban-chan’s voice snapped me away from the thoughts in my head. My hair salon had a day off for maintenance purposes, so he took today off to make time to meet with me. With holiday season just around the corner, work got busy for both of us and we hadn’t seen each other in a while. I appreciated his willingness to match my schedule so that we could spend time together. This wasn’t the time to be speculating about someone else; I wanted to enjoy Ban-chan’s company to the fullest.
“Sorry, I was spacing out again, wasn’t I?”
He squeezed my hand in his and smiled. “Did you want to take a break? There’s a nice cafe on the top floor.”
I shook my head. “No, I’m okay. How about this one?”
I picked up a pair of brown-framed, wayfarer glasses and handed it to him. After lunch at a nearby Spanish restaurant, he suggested we walk around a department store. When we passed by an eyewear shop, he mentioned that he had been thinking about getting a new pair of glasses to wear at home. The thought of him wearing glasses that I helped pick out made me smile, so I didn’t hesitate to offer help in choosing one. The shape of these particular glasses were hard to pull off, but I had a hunch that it would frame his face well.
“How does it look?”
His slender fingers situated the brown-rimmed glasses in place. An eager gaze awaited my opinion.
“I think that’s the one,” I smiled. “It brings out the browns of your eyes.”
He tapped one side of the glasses playfully. “I’ll take it, then.”
We decided to grab coffee while his glasses were being made. There was one open table so I snatched it while Ban-chan ordered our drinks. Next to me were three high school girls who had started whispering excitedly.
“See him? The one ordering right now?”
“Oh, my god. He looks like he walked straight out of a shoujo manga!”
“How dreamy…”
I covered my mouth with my hand to hide a grin. That would be my date, owner and chef of Trattoria Baccanale. Curious, I, too, followed his movements with my eyes. Hearing the girls talk about him took me back to middle school. A good chunk of my classmates had some level of infatuation with him, and they’d regularly gossip about how he was the ‘class boyfriend’ who belonged to everyone. Sometimes, it slips my mind that he’s quite the looker because I’ve known him for so long. In this case, it took a group of highschoolers to remind me.
“Is there something on my face?” Ban-chan asked as he placed a latte in front of me.
I kept my eyes on him but responded to his question with a giggle.
“What is it?” He sat down and looked back at me curiously.
“Just looking,” I replied playfully before taking a sip of my drink.
He eyed me suspiciously, unsatisfied with my answer. Still, he didn’t press further and changed the subject.
“Do you want to go see the Christmas lights in Tokyo Midtown after dinner?” He suggested.
I was mid-sip but I nodded excitedly. The end of the year snuck up on me, what with all that’s been going on in my life. How things have changed since last winter. For a brief moment, my mind drifted off into thoughts of Sho-san. I wondered how he was doing. Was anyone taking care of him? In the distance, I could see a ferris wheel and it reminded me of the first time I saw him in his true element, with nothing but a camera in hand. I wonder if he ever won that contest… It pained me to not have the slightest clue about what was going on in his life.
“...shima. Nijishima?”
Ban-chan’s voice once again brought me back to the moment.
“Gosh, I’m so sorry, Ban-chan.”
This was more than a mere apology; it was an offering of remorse. I felt terrible. Ban-chan was attentive, present, and engaged in our time together. Meanwhile, my mind was constantly drifting off into unproductive thoughts. How would I feel if I were on a date with someone who was thinking about someone else? I bowed my head, disappointed in myself for being so rude.
“...Something wrong?”
His caring voice wrung at my heart. Not only was I an awful date, I was keeping something weighty from him. It wasn’t like I had deliberately withheld the information; I just didn’t know how to bring it up with him. Would Ban-chan believe me if I said that my reason for placing myself in potential danger was simply to save a certain man, nothing more, nothing less? Or would he, like Juri and Riina, misunderstand my actions as having ulterior motives? After playing out the scenario in my head over and over again, I concluded that it would do more harm than good to tell Ban-chan. As a consequence very much deserved, I lived with a guilty conscience.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. You don’t need to answer that question.”
And every time, Ban-chan threw me a lifeline so I didn’t have to explain myself. And each time, I took him up on his offer like the guilty coward I am. When I looked at him sheepishly, he smiled but sighed as to let out his frustration.
“Just so you know, whatever is weighing on your mind, I’m ready to share the load with you. I won’t ever force you to tell me, but… sometimes, I wish you’d depend on me more.”
Of course. He had every right to feel that way. I was depriving him of a role he wanted to take in my life just because I was afraid of how he’d react. Ban-chan turned his head to look out the window. I knew he wasn’t looking for an immediate explanation, but I wanted him to know I trusted him. It was time I told him what I’d decided to do; he deserved to hear it.
“Ban-chan…?”
He kept his eyes on me the entire time I spoke and didn’t interrupt me with questions or comments. Though I didn’t disclose every detail, I told him that I believed Sho-san was caught in a trap and that I felt it was my calling to save him. Once I had finished, I hung my head and stared at my lap, too afraid to see the look on his face. Ban-chan didn’t say anything for a while. Anxiety surfaced as a nervous tick in my fingers as they played with the seams of my skirt. The silence was so deafening that I cleared my throat just to fill the space between.
“Thanks for sharing that. I know it wasn’t easy.”
When Ban-chan finally spoke, his voice was respectful but serious. I had played this out in my mind many times, but this certainly was not the response I was expecting. Anger, jealousy, disgust? Those emotions would be warranted in such a situation. And yet, I neither felt judged nor ridiculed.
“I’ll ask you this, though: would this bring closure for you?”
His question caught me off-guard. I had never thought of it from that point of view before. I lifted my head and looked back at Ban-chan. There was a look of concern on his face.
“Or would it make it harder for you to move on?” He continued.
My eyes swam aimlessly as I digested his words. I felt as though Ban-chan had found a chink in my armor. In my ardent attempt to save Sho-san, I had inadvertently created a blindspot. Perhaps my intentions were pure--altruistic, even. But, were they truly to serve one purpose? I hadn’t thought about what would come after the fact. All this time, I thought the goal was to free Sho-san. Ban-chan, however, was sagacious enough to see the bigger picture. His questions also revealed to me that I never found closure; it was no wonder Sho-san still consumed my thoughts.
Ban-chan took a deep breath. “I hope you know I’m trying really hard to not be selfish right now. I could tell you to abandon your plans altogether, but then, I would be doing you a disservice.”
“Excuse me…?” I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion.
“He’s not the only one who wants you to be happy.” He pursed his lips and briefly hesitated to finish his thought. “...If that means I’m not in the picture, well… that’s a tradeoff I’m willing to make.”
I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. What had I done to deserve this man? My heart grew in fondness for him.
“I really don’t deserve you. How did I let you fall through the cracks the first time around?” I bit my lips to keep the tears at bay.
Ban-chan let out a soft chuckle as he collected the mug in front of me and placed it back on his tray. “That’s the second best compliment I’ve ever received. You already know what the first one is.”
If a gaze could talk, I was pretty sure mine was saying, ‘I think I’m in love with you.’ My heart wasn’t ready to verbalize it just yet, so I hoped that for now, this gaze would suffice.
.
.
.
As cheesy as it may seem, I refuse to call a stroll around town with a date during the holiday season overrated. It was thankfully a weeknight, so though there were still a good amount of people at Tokyo Midtown, it wasn’t suffocating and we had plenty of space to stand and admire the lights at our own pace. In front of us was a sea of blue. The lights twinkled and created a magical painting with business buildings as their backdrop. In the distance, we could see Tokyo Tower asserting its presence with its red flare. Our breaths turned white in the crisp, winter air and nudged us to stand closer together for warmth.
“Another great idea from the hopeful romantic,” I smiled. “This is beautiful!”
“It’s only romantic because of the company,” he corrected. “See those businessmen passing by without giving a glance?”
I nodded, but didn’t blame them, really. They were the manifestation of the loss of innocence, the death of wonder. As we age, we become calloused to the beauties of the world, and we miss the small blessings evident everywhere because we lose the patience and curiosity to look for them.
“I feel sorry for people like them. Look at what they’re missing, what they’re taking for granted. All they have to do is give a damn.”
This was the Ban-chan I loved most. His love for life and his ability to find beauty in the mundane were contagious.
“Hm? What is it?” Ban-chan raised his eyebrows playfully, noticing that I had been staring up at him.
“If I didn’t run into you again, I would have still been in that group of people.” I squeezed his upper arm with my hand. “Life would have been a lot more boring.”
He smiled. “I’ve had it with regrets, that’s all.”
I knew what he meant, and he didn’t need to explain himself further. I threaded my arm through his and leaned in closer to let him know I understood. He straightened his back and took a breath. Though we weren’t looking at each other, it felt as though a connection had happened on a deeper level. Would it be inappropriate of me to ask him to stay the night with me?
“Hey, Ban-chan. I was thi...nk...ing…”
Alas, I was unable to finish my thought. On the other side of the large, Christmas tree, I saw three, familiar faces. To my dismay, I noticed him first. A coffee brown duffel coat, fitted jeans, and camel-colored leather shoes. His soft hair moved with his every step, his movements mesmerizing. There was no mistaking those eyes like honey. Beside him was a child holding his hand… and on the child’s other side was an impeccably-dressed woman with beautiful curls. My eyes followed them as they made their way to our side. Run, Kokoro. Though my head knew better, my body refused as my feet anchored themselves to the ground. Oh, god. Don’t look this way. Please.
“Papa! Look at this Christmas tree!”
A little boy’s voice pierced through the conglomeration of city sounds and shot through my ears. It felt like someone had poured ice water over my head. I wanted to look away. I needed to look away. And yet, I couldn’t take my gaze off the man holding the child’s hand. His bangs fell over his eyebrows as he looked down toward the voice that called for him, a smile so endearing the recipient would know without a shadow of a doubt that his feelings were sincere.
As I stood there frozen in place, I noticed that the man who had been standing beside me was no longer there. In my state of shock, I had just enough time to realize what had just happened.