Eyes Like Honey - A Sakurai Sho Fanfic (15/?)
Pairing: Sakurai Sho x Fictional Female (Reader) *see note below
Rating: R for whole series, PG-13 for Ch.15
Genre: Romance, Drama
Word count: 5,407
Plot: A 33-year-old singleton, Nijishima Kokoro, finds herself at a host club where she meets the club's most popular host, Sakurai Sho. The encounter propels Kokoro to explore a different kind of love as Sho helps Kokoro discover herself.
NOTE: This story reads like a shoujo manga--it is written in a fictitious first-person narrative where the reader is the protagonist. Please proceed with caution if you are uncomfortable with JE members having relationships with fictitious female characters (even if that female is you!).
Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 12 Chapter 13 | Chapter 14
Chapter Fifteen: The Woman in The Room
“Oh, Sho.” Her voice was wispy and airy.
“Hey.” His was sweet and gentle.
“Didn’t think you’d come today.” She finished her sentence, then noticed me frozen by the door. Narrowing her eyes as if she understood the whole situation, she gave me a gentle smile and glanced over at Sho-san.
He made his way into the hospital room without a hint of hesitation. I couldn’t. From the corner of my eye, I spotted something colorful, neatly folded and placed atop a wheelchair. I turned to take a closer look. There was no mistaking it: it was the same floral blanket he let me use in his car. That could only mean one thing. My heart began thumping against my ribcage.
“Mom, I brought someone special with me.”
Not “someone,” but “someone special.” He certainly had a way with words. I smiled timidly from the doorway and bowed. He must have found my actions amusing, because when I lifted my head, his face lit up. It was then that I realized I hadn’t seen him smile much all day. I must look so awkward just standing here, I thought. But I didn’t care. I felt useful; I was able to make him smile.
“Let me introduce you.” He tilted his head toward his mother and ushered me to join them. After managing to get to the foot of her bed, he continued with the introductions.
“Mom, this is Kokoro-san. Kokoro-san, this is my mom.”
I cleared my throat. “Hello, Sakurai-san.” I bowed again, this time lower than before.
His mother smiled at me again and nodded her head. “Sho?”
“Hm?”
“You didn’t tell her who she was meeting today, did you?”
The edges of his eyes sloped down as he smiled sweetly. He laughed through his nose and scratched his temples with his right hand.
“I’m sorry, Kokoro-san. He’s always been this way.” She sighed as she shook her head. “You don’t need to be so formal with me.”
“T-Thank you…” I smiled back.
“Here.” Sho-san pulled out a folding chair and placed it beside the bed. With his hand, he invited me to sit.
Still quite nervous about everything, I sat shallowly and kept my hands on my knees.
“I got you new ones,” he said as he undid the wrapping on the bouquet.
“You don’t need to bring me new ones each time you visit,” his mother sighed again.
He grabbed the vase on top of her dresser and emptied it of its current residents. Indeed, those daisies were still in full bloom, with only a few stems bending at the neck. With skilled hands, he placed the new batch into the vase and filled it with clean water. After throwing away the old flowers, he placed the vase back where he had found it. Beside it was a photo. Wait… isn’t this photo…
“Recognize it?” He seemed to have read my mind.
I nodded. I had to get up and take a closer look. It was the same photo I saw at his place: a desk with a single flower adorning it.
“Daisies are my favorite flower,” his mother chimed in.
“Oh!” I exclaimed. “No wonder.” I gently poked one of the flowers in the vase and leaned in to take a better look at the photo once more.
“I took that photo, but Sho gave me that daisy,” she said fondly. Surprised, I looked at Sho-san. Why didn’t he tell me that? He was smiling but his eyes seemed to be hiding something.
“Do you want anything to drink?” he asked suddenly.
“I’ll take my usual,” his mother replied.
“You?” When he looked my way, his eyes had changed their appearance. There was no vulnerability in them anymore.
“…I’m okay,” I responded.
“I’ll be back.” He smiled at me briefly, then headed out, leaving me alone with his mother. After the door closed shut, she sighed for the third time.
“Boys don’t grow up, do they?” she chuckled.
“Heh…” I cocked my head to the side, not knowing how to respond. Feeling uncomfortable standing there, I found my way to the seat again and perched there like a nervous school kid.
“You’re brave.”
“What?”
“I don’t know if I’d have followed him if he didn’t tell me where we were going. And he’s my son!” she joked.
“Ah, right…” I smiled. “‘Brave’ might be a euphemism.”
“He’s always been like this.” She began coughing and reached for her water cup. I quickly grabbed it and handed it to her.
“Are you all right?”
“I’m used to it.” She took a sip of her water, placed the cup on her lap and continued. “He runs when he’s afraid.”
Past events zoomed through my mind. He didn’t want to tell me about the reason he became a nightclub host. He didn’t reveal why he didn’t like Shun because he was part of Sho-san’s past. He didn’t want to get too close or intimate with me, at least not initially. And what about his history with other women…? The Sho-san I know is confident and always in control. And yet, there was a part of me that couldn’t completely disagree with her.
“That was the last photo I ever took.” She looked past me and gazed at the daisy picture on the dresser.
“Why…?”
She took another sip of her water and paused before she spoke again. It wasn’t to answer my question. “Do you know why you’re here today?”
I could feel my eyes drying up from staring at her. “E-Excuse me?”
“Knowing him, he’s probably told you close to nothing.”
She was blurting out statement after statement without clarifying the meaning behind any of them. I tried my best to keep up with the conversation but my head was starting to spin. What do you mean, “Do you know why you’re here today”? Is there a reason I’m here?
She returned her gaze toward the door. “I’ve met three of his friends since I started calling this room my home.” Her eyes then rested on me. “You’re the first woman he’s ever introduced to me.”
I took a long inhale and forgot to exhale for a few seconds. My lips moved but no words came out.
“He must trust you.”
“…It might be the other way around,” I corrected nervously.
She smiled, then cleared her throat. “I’ve been at this hospital for nearly a decade.”
Simple math told me that he was 24 when she became ill. I couldn’t bring myself to ask why.
“Sho has visited me at least once a week since, without fail.” She bit her lips regretfully. After a long pause, she opened her mouth again. “He blames himself for it, that’s why.”
My heart felt like a rag being wrung. “Why does he think that?”
“His father was an alcoholic,” she said as she looked down at her water cup. “The violent kind.”
I felt the blood drain from my head as my hands and feet began to feel clammy.
“One day, Sho came home after a day of taking photos and found me unconscious on the floor. He rushed me to the hospital, and I’ve been here since. I’ve always had a weak heart, but it took an incident like that to force me to see a doctor,” she chuckled.
“Um…”
“That photo was taken a day before that incident.” She glanced over at the dresser. “It was Sho’s birthday present for me.”
I turned around to look at the photo once again. Information overload makes the human mind think of the strangest things, like how this hospital room faced west because the afternoon sun was blinding my vision. I put my hand up over my eyes to block the light, and suddenly, a question popped up in my head. It was the same question I had asked myself before.
“What was your intention behind taking this photo?”
“Hm?” she tilted her head, confused.
“Well… I think that artists always have an intention. Otherwise, nothing would be worth creating or capturing.”
She chuckled through her nose like I’ve seen her son do so many times. “You must be an artist, too.”
“Hair stylist,” I clarified.
“Oh, so it was you who styled Sho’s hair,” she nodded to herself like she had found the answer to her own question. “I like it.”
I smiled.
“The daisy doesn’t look lonely, does it?” She reversed back a topic to answer my question. “It stands alone on that desk, but it doesn’t seem fragile. In fact, the flower stands strong and proud.”
“Mm-hmm.”
“It’s a daily reminder that someone sees in me a resilient, vital life,” said the woman with tubes in her nose. She took a sip of her water again and cleared her throat.
“Kokoro-san.”
“Yes?”
“Do you know why you’re here today?”
There’s that question again. I closed my eyes for a moment, then responded nervously. “I don’t.”
She peered over at the door once more as if to make sure we wouldn’t be interrupted. “The only time he brings someone here to meet with me is when he’s vulnerable.”
“What…?”
“His guilt makes him run. I think he knows what he needs to do to overcome this guilt…” She sipped on her water again. “But he refuses to let go.”
I furrowed my eyebrows, concerned and confused at the same time. “You’re saying… he wants to continue owning this sense of unjustified guilt?”
“It’s a defense mechanism, I think. But he’s suffered enough. He deserves to be happy.”
I felt like someone had punched the air out of my lungs. Instantly, I recalled a conversation between Sho-san and Hayato-san at the bar.
“It’s not a sin to trust yourself, Sakurai sempai. What happened to your mom isn’t your fault.”
“Sho doesn’t let a lot of people into his heart. He’s very selective.”
I nodded. Before I knew it, tears were rolling down my cheeks.
“I know all three of them,” she said confidently.
Just then, the room door opened and the sound of a plastic bag followed. I quickly wiped my wet cheeks to rid of evidence, but I knew that he was too smart and observant to believe nothing happened. He paused briefly, but immediately looked away. In an attempt to give me time to regain composure, he deliberately shifted attention away from me.
“Sorry, the usual vending machine was out of order. I had to go to a convenience store to find this.” He reached into the bag, pulled out a sports drink and held it out in front of his mother’s hands.
“Thanks,” she smiled.
“I got you this.” He made his way over to where I was sitting, pulled out a bottle of hot café au lait, and placed it against my cheek.
“Ah! Oh… thank you.” When I grabbed the drink from his hands, he looked down at me with those warm, welcoming eyes. With a single smile, he seemed to tell me that he understood and that there was no need to explain a thing. I could feel the tears welling up again. I had no idea until moments ago that behind that inviting smile and deep within those gentle eyes, there was agony and undeserved guilt tearing him apart. The strong, confident man I thought I knew was also a broken boy who felt that he didn’t deserve the happiness given to him.
--
The rest of the afternoon was filled with lighthearted conversation. I accompanied Sho-san and his mother on a walk around a nearby park. As he pushed her in her wheelchair, she mentioned that this was one of her favorite things to do, and that she only got to do it when Sho-san visited. I felt like I was intruding in on mother-son time, but she assured me that it was nice to have someone new to talk to. We returned to her room around 4:00PM. As if receiving a cue, his mother began wrapping up the conversation.
“Don’t let this be the last time you bring her along.”
He didn’t say anything, but nodded in her direction. Just as we were about to leave the room, she called my name. When I turned around, she was smiling.
“Yes?”
“Are you a sprinter?”
“…Um, excuse me?” I didn’t understand her question.
“Or are you more of a marathon runner?”
I bit my lips and narrowed my eyes, confused. “Uh… I suppose if I had to choose between the two, I prefer the marathon.”
Her reserved smiled turned into a full-out grin. “Then I guess you won’t have any trouble chasing after something trying to get away?”
“What?”
“And for a long period of time?” Her eyes glimmered mysteriously.
“I’m… not sure what you’re trying to say.”
“I’m glad I have another teammate running the same race.” She grabbed her sports drink and raised it in the air as if she were saying a toast. “See you again, Kokoro-san.”
“It was my pleasure meeting you, Sakurai-san,” I bowed. As I stood there trying to decode her cryptic message, Sho-san exited the room and held the door open for me to follow.
I didn’t mean to, but I uttered not a single word on our way out of the building, partly because I was still trying to figure out what his mother had meant by those questions, and partly because I now knew a very vulnerable side of Sho-san. We passed by some nurses who all seemed to know him by name. He bowed politely at each one and flashed his charming smile. I could hear murmuring behind us, followed by gasps. They must be talking about him. As we neared the front doors, I distinctly heard one of the nurses at the reception desk say, “Is that his… no, no way. He can do so much better than that!” Correction: they’re talking about me. I turned my head down and hurried out of the building after him.
When we returned to his car, he opened the passenger seat door waited for me to climb inside.
“Oh… thanks.” My mind was clearly elsewhere.
“Hey.” Of course, he knew that already. As usual.
I wanted to say something. Actually, I was full of things to say. And yet, I found myself creaking underneath the weight of all that had happened in the past several hours that words escaped me. Instead, these emotions surfaced as teardrops rolling down my cheeks.
“Sho-san…” I gripped tightly onto his sleeve.
Instantly, he used his free arm to grab my shoulder and pulled me in. My cheeks hit the meaty part of his chest, and I could hear the firm beating of his heart. I could make out his deltoid muscle rising underneath his shirt as I felt his arm embrace me even tighter. My nose caught a scent of his cologne as he buried his nose into my hair.
“Those nurses like to gossip. Don’t let their words affect you.” His voice was breathy and low.
I shook my head. “No…” I sighed. “No…!”
Taken aback, he pulled away and brought his arm back down to his side.
“I don’t care what strangers think of me.” I wiped the tears with the palm of my hand. “Why…? Why won’t you let yourself be happy?”
Understanding the meaning behind my tears, he let out a heavy sigh and scratched the back of his neck. Perhaps he was thinking about avoiding this conversation altogether. But, I couldn’t. Now aware of what pain lies beneath his façade, seeing him smile hurt.
“You don’t get it, do you?” It was a first; his voice had a slight edge.
“Get what? How should I know if you don’t tell me anything?”
He glanced at me from the corner of his eyes. “Do you know why you’re here today?”
There’s that question again.
I did my best to give him an honest and educated guess. “So your mother could tell me about a past that’s still haunting you.”
He cast his eyes down as a fragile expression overtook him. His eyelashes fluttered like dandelion feathers carried up by the wind. I watched as he shook his head side-to-side, disappointment on his face. Did I hurt him with my words? Should I have kept this a secret? I wished he’d say something.
“What’s the one promise you made with me?” He finally spoke.
“To trust you,” I responded without hesitation.
“Then, why are you breaking that promise?”
“…What?” My heart began to race. Why would he say that? How did I break it?
“You told me it was important to you that you knew why I became a nightclub host.”
“I did, yes.”
“Why would my mom divulging my past help answer that question for you? Did you find the answer you were looking for through speaking with her?”
My eyes shifted nervously. He was right. Unable to respond, I exhaled deeply to calm my heartrate.
“How do you think she gets cared for?”
I gasped. Why didn’t I realize it earlier?
Sho-san tipped his head side to side to crack his neck. “You get it now?”
My hand had covered my mouth in an attempt to hide my surprise. I gave him a feeble nod, then sorted the story out in my head. Ten years ago, his mother fell ill. His family was unable to pay for her medical expenses, so he became a nightclub host to earn a steady income. Wait. Before that, he had worked as a bartender, I remembered. So, did he change professions because he could make more money as a host? But his home, his way of life… it’s far more luxurious than a life I’ve ever known. Does that mean he no longer has to worry about money? What about his dream of becoming a photographer? How does that fit into all this? My head began to hurt from all the questions.
“It had to be you.” His voice suddenly became sweet and forgiving.
I stared into his mysterious eyes and waited for clarification.
He chuckled to himself and scratched his head, almost looking like he wished he didn’t have to clarify himself any further. “You know, this is my first attempt at trying to forgive myself.”
“What…?”
“You’re the first woman who’s made me feel like I deserve to be happy.”
As his words from that night spun around in my head, it finally hit me. He believes that I can free him from his painful past. The weight of my revelation sunk like an anchor attached to my feet. Suddenly, this all made sense. My head began to spin and I felt like I was hyperventilating. I felt like my legs were giving way as I lost balance and began falling toward the car.
“Kokoro-san…!” His arms swung behind me and spun me around so that my back was now leaning against the car… except that, the cold, metal surface I expected didn’t come. Instead, I felt one hand on my lower back and another at the back of my head. When he slowly let go, he let out a sigh of relief.
“Is it too much?”
“…Hm?” I could barely hear myself. My heart was racing from how close his body was to mine, and I didn’t understand the question.
“The… responsibility of being my catalyst. If you feel uncomfortable in any way, you have to let me know. I don’t want to burden you.” His beautiful, brown eyes swayed worriedly.
I stared back at him, eyes brimming with tears. “You don’t get it, do you?” I blurted the same question he asked me earlier.
“Huh…?” His eyes opened wide in surprise.
“What took you so long…” I slapped his arm weakly.
He blinked slowly, holding onto every word.
“Besides...” I continued, “How would the equation make sense without your catalyst?” I slapped him again, this time with even less strength. My hand slid down his arm as my fingers feebly held on to the cuff of his sleeve.
Then, I heard a soft chuckle. When I looked into his face, his eyes fluttered endearingly and his mouth formed a gentle curve as his teeth peeked from behind them. There were wrinkles at the edges of his eyes and it seemed that he was sincerely smiling.
“I knew it,” he said as he pulled me into his arms and held me tightly. “I was right.”
“About what?” I brought my arms to his back and clung to his shirt.
“It has to be you.”
I smiled as I inhaled the scent of his cologne. “Your catalyst.”
“My Kokoro-san.”
He loosened his embrace and with one hand, combed through my hair. With his thumb, he traced my lips. Seeing his eyelashes turn downward, I closed my eyes. A soft, loving kiss tickled my senses. He lingered for a few seconds, then opened his eyes and combed my hair again.
“Salty,” he said as he licked his lips and wiped my tears with the back of his fingers.
“Heh,” I chuckled. “Whose fault is that?”
He smiled back, then placed a hand on the open passenger seat door and shifted his weight onto one leg. “Come on. I have one more place to take you before I have to head to work.”
I hesitated for a second. “…It’s not another hospital, is it?”
The corner of his mouth curled as he fought to keep a chuckle from escaping his lips. “You’ll know in a bit.”
My jaw dropped in disbelief. “I’m not going to get into this car unless you tell me!” I puffed out my cheeks.
He laughed through his nose and tilted his head flirtatiously. “Do as you please. But don’t get mad at me when I make you a Sidecar and you’re not there to enjoy it.” He began to walk toward the driver’s side of the car.
“Wh…!!” I hurried in and shut the door.
He took his time opening his own door and sat down slowly, stifling a smirk the whole time. “Look who’s eager to spend time with me all of a sudden.”
I stuck out my lips defiantly.
He started the car and we were off. Unlike the ride to the hospital, this time and space felt more comfortable. We had stepped out of our own comfort zones. Becoming vulnerable for someone is terrifying, but I didn’t know how freeing it could feel as well. As I took in the scenery from the passenger window, I began to recognize buildings and roads. When we turned a corner to park his car, I realized where he was taking me. I couldn’t keep from smiling.
“It’s been a while,” Sho-san chuckled.
I nodded and excitedly exited the car. After following him down a narrow, downhill pathway, he opened the door and stepped inside.
"Welcome, Sakurai-san, Kokoro-san." Yamashiro-san greeted us with his usual, friendly tone.
I followed Sho-san until we were at the end of the bar counter. He pulled out a seat and gestured for me to sit. Hayato-san peeked out from the kitchen and gave me a wave. I smiled. It was good to be back here again.
"Hayato," Sho-san called out.
"Sakurai sempai! Long time, no see." He wiped his wet hands on his apron.
"Could we see a food menu?"
Hayato-san's face beamed. "Of course!" He pulled out a cloth-bound folder from under the bar counter and opened it in front of us. "We got a shipment of fresh shrimp so I recommend the ceviche."
I watched Hayato-san as he explained the dish. "Do you cook everything on this menu?"
"I do!" he replied excitedly. "Yamashiro-san has been kind enough to let me experiment with the seasonal menu. But, I owe all this to Sakurai sempai."
"Hm?" I tilted my head toward Sho-san who was busy perusing the menu.
"If he didn't put in a good word for me, I would still be stuck cleaning glasses."
"Hey, that's a very important task as a bartender," Yamashiro-san chimed in playfully.
I giggled. "Yamashiro-san didn't know you're a mean cook?"
"Well, it started as a way to thank Yamashiro-san and Sakurai sempai for taking me under their wing," Hayato-san explained. "But sempai suggested that a seasonal food menu would give this bar an edge against our competition."
"He's got the talent. I just happened to be the one who gave him that extra push, that's all." Sho-san finally looked up from the menu and faced me.
"I'm an orphan. I don't have any siblings and I've never seen my parent's faces." A thankful smile crossed Hayato-san's face. "So, Sakurai sempai is like the big brother I wished I had. You could say I owe him my life."
Wait... Where have I heard that before?
Sho-san began ordering several things for the both of us, then turned toward me again.
"And what will you be drinking, Kokoro-san?" he asked in his host club tone.
"Is this some sort of trick question?” I narrowed my eyes and looked at him with skepticism.
He touched his nose with his forefinger and gazed back at me. Stop it. You’re putting me under your spell, aren’t you? He got up from his seat and stepped into the bar. A punch of cognac tickled my nostrils as the citrus scents fluttered about. My eyes watched his every move: the flick of the stirrer, the twist of the citrus wedge, his fingers as they held the base of the glass to slide the drink toward me.
"It's not polite to stare," he teased.
I heard Hayato-san chuckle. When I looked his way, he shook his head as he placed the menu back behind the counter.
“I’m sorry,” he apologized. “It’s just that…” His eyes moved back and forth between Sho-san and me.
“You’re observant,” Sho-san commended without looking at Hayato-san. “That’s a must if you’re a bartender.”
“Thank you, sempai.”
“Wait…” I pouted. “Are you two making fun of me?”
Hayato-san smiled. “Kokoro-san.”
“What?”
“Did something happen since the last time you two visited?” He raised his eyebrows knowingly.
“Ah!” I gasped. I felt my cheeks burning up and looked away.
“I thought so,” Hayato-san nodded. “This is big news.”
Sho-san smiled gently, eyes downcast. Is he blushing…?
“Congratulations, Sakurai sempai!”
Hearing this, Yamashiro-san peeked over at Sho-san for a moment and smiled to himself. Clearly, I was the only one taken by surprise.
I looked at Hayato-san in complete awe. “H-How did you know?”
He stuck out his lips confidently and glanced over at Sho-san. “I learn from the best.” He then scurried back into the kitchen to prepare our order.
Sho-san made his way back to the other side of the counter and sat down with a glass of bourbon. He seemed completely unfazed by what had just happened. Perhaps that shy smile earlier was just another one of his smirks. The orange lighting must be messing with my vision, I thought. As I held the amber drink in my hand, it suddenly hit me.
"Maki-chan!!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me with wide eyes. "Hm? Maki-chan?"
"I knew I had heard someone say that before!”
“Say what?” he chuckled, amused at my memory.
“‘You could say I owe him my life’,” I repeated. “When I met Maki-chan, she said the same thing to me.”
He took a sip of his drink and licked his lips. “She said that?”
I nodded, but it was then I realized that she and I had talked personal matters. Perhaps it wasn’t my place to tell him, I thought. But, it was he who continued the conversation.
“She told you about Shun, I presume?”
I pinched my lips with my nails nervously. “Yeah.”
He nodded and placed his drink back on the counter. “She’s giving me too much credit,” he stated.
“It’s not something I’d easily blurt out, at least.” My drink glimmered like a precious jewel. “She must mean it.”
He stared at the liquor selection lining the wall behind the counter. “I just can’t stand guys who can’t see a woman’s worth, that’s all.” His voice was low and his breath smelled like the sugars dissipating from his bourbon.
“Can I ask you a question?”
“Hm?”
“Here we are, the shrimp ceviche and the balsamic bruschetta. The buttered clams and lamb chops should be done in a little bit.” As Hayato-san placed serving dishes in front of us, he realized he had interrupted an important conversation.
“I’m sorry. I just did the worst thing a bartender can do,” he said apologetically.
“That’s okay,” I assured. “Wow! Smells great!”
Hayato-san bowed modestly. He was about to head back into the kitchen when Sho-san invited him into our conversation with a question.
“Aren’t you going to hear Kokoro-san’s famous food analysis?”
I glared at him from the corner of my eyes and puffed out my cheeks. Both he and Hayato-san burst into laughter.
“How could I forget?” Hayato-san bubbled with enthusiasm.
I expected Sho-san to continue the teasing game with some witty remark, so I furrowed my eyes as I turned my body to scowl at him. But the man who reflected in my eyes distracted my train of thought. With his elbow on the counter and chin resting on his fingers, he was smiling at me as if he were looking at something irreplaceable. Wait. I’m supposed to me mad at you. I had an important question to ask you. I felt myself losing the fight again. When I sighed, he raised his eyebrows and gazed at me innocently. There was no use trying to win.
“Fine,” I complained. “But you better be taking notes, because it’s going to be on the quiz.”
Hayato-san giggled and held an invisible pen and notepad in the air. “I’m ready.”
--
“You didn’t have to walk me to the door.”
“I know.”
After we left Yamashiro-san’s bar, Sho-san drove me back home before work. I insisted that he could just drop me off in front of the building, but that wasn’t his style. He parked the car temporarily in the guest parking lot and walked me to the front doors of my apartment building.
“Have a good day at work,” I said as I fidgeted around my purse for my keys. “And thanks for introducing me to your mom today.”
“Hey.”
“Yeah?”
“Thanks.”
“…For what?”
“For trusting me.” His forefinger gently moved my bangs away from my eyes.
I remembered something and smiled. “Did you know your mom thought I was brave?”
“What, for coming with me?”
“Yeah. I told her that’s a euphemism.”
“Ah, for ‘crazy’?” he chuckled.
I laughed and nodded in agreement.
“You might be right,” he pondered. “I’m not sure if any sane person would be cut out for the role of the catalyst.”
“…Are you calling me insane?” I furrowed my eyebrows playfully.
“You have to be to be with me.” He cradled the back of my head with his hand and planted his soft, buoyant lips on mine. His other hand pulled me in closer at the waist as his tongue flirted and tickled my lips.
“Mm…”
He forcibly broke the kiss and bit his lower lip apologetically. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have done that.”
“Why?”
“Because I won’t be able to control myself,” he sighed passionately.
My cheeks burned from the blood rising to my face. I felt like his marionette. His every move and every word could determine my next move.
He stroked my arm. “I have an idea.”
“Hm?”
“Let’s go on a trip.”
“A trip? Where?”
“I have a few suggestions.” His face lit up excitedly.
“I’d love that.”
“We can talk about it later. Good night, Kokoro-san.”
His lips landed softly on my forehead before he urged me to get inside. Just like the first night he walked me home, he waited outside the glass doors until I got on the elevator. I raised my hand shyly to wave him good night. He smiled and showed the palm of his hand as the elevator doors closed shut.
Today was a long day. A lot had happened. But I realized something important: I felt like I finally understood him. The warmth of his kiss lingered on my forehead as I opened the door to my apartment. What have you signed yourself up for, Kokoro? I didn’t have all the answers, but I wanted to believe that I had seen the light at the end of his dark, lonely tunnel.
Rating: R for whole series, PG-13 for Ch.15
Genre: Romance, Drama
Word count: 5,407
Plot: A 33-year-old singleton, Nijishima Kokoro, finds herself at a host club where she meets the club's most popular host, Sakurai Sho. The encounter propels Kokoro to explore a different kind of love as Sho helps Kokoro discover herself.
NOTE: This story reads like a shoujo manga--it is written in a fictitious first-person narrative where the reader is the protagonist. Please proceed with caution if you are uncomfortable with JE members having relationships with fictitious female characters (even if that female is you!).
Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 12 Chapter 13 | Chapter 14
Chapter Fifteen: The Woman in The Room
“Oh, Sho.” Her voice was wispy and airy.
“Hey.” His was sweet and gentle.
“Didn’t think you’d come today.” She finished her sentence, then noticed me frozen by the door. Narrowing her eyes as if she understood the whole situation, she gave me a gentle smile and glanced over at Sho-san.
He made his way into the hospital room without a hint of hesitation. I couldn’t. From the corner of my eye, I spotted something colorful, neatly folded and placed atop a wheelchair. I turned to take a closer look. There was no mistaking it: it was the same floral blanket he let me use in his car. That could only mean one thing. My heart began thumping against my ribcage.
“Mom, I brought someone special with me.”
Not “someone,” but “someone special.” He certainly had a way with words. I smiled timidly from the doorway and bowed. He must have found my actions amusing, because when I lifted my head, his face lit up. It was then that I realized I hadn’t seen him smile much all day. I must look so awkward just standing here, I thought. But I didn’t care. I felt useful; I was able to make him smile.
“Let me introduce you.” He tilted his head toward his mother and ushered me to join them. After managing to get to the foot of her bed, he continued with the introductions.
“Mom, this is Kokoro-san. Kokoro-san, this is my mom.”
I cleared my throat. “Hello, Sakurai-san.” I bowed again, this time lower than before.
His mother smiled at me again and nodded her head. “Sho?”
“Hm?”
“You didn’t tell her who she was meeting today, did you?”
The edges of his eyes sloped down as he smiled sweetly. He laughed through his nose and scratched his temples with his right hand.
“I’m sorry, Kokoro-san. He’s always been this way.” She sighed as she shook her head. “You don’t need to be so formal with me.”
“T-Thank you…” I smiled back.
“Here.” Sho-san pulled out a folding chair and placed it beside the bed. With his hand, he invited me to sit.
Still quite nervous about everything, I sat shallowly and kept my hands on my knees.
“I got you new ones,” he said as he undid the wrapping on the bouquet.
“You don’t need to bring me new ones each time you visit,” his mother sighed again.
He grabbed the vase on top of her dresser and emptied it of its current residents. Indeed, those daisies were still in full bloom, with only a few stems bending at the neck. With skilled hands, he placed the new batch into the vase and filled it with clean water. After throwing away the old flowers, he placed the vase back where he had found it. Beside it was a photo. Wait… isn’t this photo…
“Recognize it?” He seemed to have read my mind.
I nodded. I had to get up and take a closer look. It was the same photo I saw at his place: a desk with a single flower adorning it.
“Daisies are my favorite flower,” his mother chimed in.
“Oh!” I exclaimed. “No wonder.” I gently poked one of the flowers in the vase and leaned in to take a better look at the photo once more.
“I took that photo, but Sho gave me that daisy,” she said fondly. Surprised, I looked at Sho-san. Why didn’t he tell me that? He was smiling but his eyes seemed to be hiding something.
“Do you want anything to drink?” he asked suddenly.
“I’ll take my usual,” his mother replied.
“You?” When he looked my way, his eyes had changed their appearance. There was no vulnerability in them anymore.
“…I’m okay,” I responded.
“I’ll be back.” He smiled at me briefly, then headed out, leaving me alone with his mother. After the door closed shut, she sighed for the third time.
“Boys don’t grow up, do they?” she chuckled.
“Heh…” I cocked my head to the side, not knowing how to respond. Feeling uncomfortable standing there, I found my way to the seat again and perched there like a nervous school kid.
“You’re brave.”
“What?”
“I don’t know if I’d have followed him if he didn’t tell me where we were going. And he’s my son!” she joked.
“Ah, right…” I smiled. “‘Brave’ might be a euphemism.”
“He’s always been like this.” She began coughing and reached for her water cup. I quickly grabbed it and handed it to her.
“Are you all right?”
“I’m used to it.” She took a sip of her water, placed the cup on her lap and continued. “He runs when he’s afraid.”
Past events zoomed through my mind. He didn’t want to tell me about the reason he became a nightclub host. He didn’t reveal why he didn’t like Shun because he was part of Sho-san’s past. He didn’t want to get too close or intimate with me, at least not initially. And what about his history with other women…? The Sho-san I know is confident and always in control. And yet, there was a part of me that couldn’t completely disagree with her.
“That was the last photo I ever took.” She looked past me and gazed at the daisy picture on the dresser.
“Why…?”
She took another sip of her water and paused before she spoke again. It wasn’t to answer my question. “Do you know why you’re here today?”
I could feel my eyes drying up from staring at her. “E-Excuse me?”
“Knowing him, he’s probably told you close to nothing.”
She was blurting out statement after statement without clarifying the meaning behind any of them. I tried my best to keep up with the conversation but my head was starting to spin. What do you mean, “Do you know why you’re here today”? Is there a reason I’m here?
She returned her gaze toward the door. “I’ve met three of his friends since I started calling this room my home.” Her eyes then rested on me. “You’re the first woman he’s ever introduced to me.”
I took a long inhale and forgot to exhale for a few seconds. My lips moved but no words came out.
“He must trust you.”
“…It might be the other way around,” I corrected nervously.
She smiled, then cleared her throat. “I’ve been at this hospital for nearly a decade.”
Simple math told me that he was 24 when she became ill. I couldn’t bring myself to ask why.
“Sho has visited me at least once a week since, without fail.” She bit her lips regretfully. After a long pause, she opened her mouth again. “He blames himself for it, that’s why.”
My heart felt like a rag being wrung. “Why does he think that?”
“His father was an alcoholic,” she said as she looked down at her water cup. “The violent kind.”
I felt the blood drain from my head as my hands and feet began to feel clammy.
“One day, Sho came home after a day of taking photos and found me unconscious on the floor. He rushed me to the hospital, and I’ve been here since. I’ve always had a weak heart, but it took an incident like that to force me to see a doctor,” she chuckled.
“Um…”
“That photo was taken a day before that incident.” She glanced over at the dresser. “It was Sho’s birthday present for me.”
I turned around to look at the photo once again. Information overload makes the human mind think of the strangest things, like how this hospital room faced west because the afternoon sun was blinding my vision. I put my hand up over my eyes to block the light, and suddenly, a question popped up in my head. It was the same question I had asked myself before.
“What was your intention behind taking this photo?”
“Hm?” she tilted her head, confused.
“Well… I think that artists always have an intention. Otherwise, nothing would be worth creating or capturing.”
She chuckled through her nose like I’ve seen her son do so many times. “You must be an artist, too.”
“Hair stylist,” I clarified.
“Oh, so it was you who styled Sho’s hair,” she nodded to herself like she had found the answer to her own question. “I like it.”
I smiled.
“The daisy doesn’t look lonely, does it?” She reversed back a topic to answer my question. “It stands alone on that desk, but it doesn’t seem fragile. In fact, the flower stands strong and proud.”
“Mm-hmm.”
“It’s a daily reminder that someone sees in me a resilient, vital life,” said the woman with tubes in her nose. She took a sip of her water again and cleared her throat.
“Kokoro-san.”
“Yes?”
“Do you know why you’re here today?”
There’s that question again. I closed my eyes for a moment, then responded nervously. “I don’t.”
She peered over at the door once more as if to make sure we wouldn’t be interrupted. “The only time he brings someone here to meet with me is when he’s vulnerable.”
“What…?”
“His guilt makes him run. I think he knows what he needs to do to overcome this guilt…” She sipped on her water again. “But he refuses to let go.”
I furrowed my eyebrows, concerned and confused at the same time. “You’re saying… he wants to continue owning this sense of unjustified guilt?”
“It’s a defense mechanism, I think. But he’s suffered enough. He deserves to be happy.”
I felt like someone had punched the air out of my lungs. Instantly, I recalled a conversation between Sho-san and Hayato-san at the bar.
“It’s not a sin to trust yourself, Sakurai sempai. What happened to your mom isn’t your fault.”
“Sho doesn’t let a lot of people into his heart. He’s very selective.”
I nodded. Before I knew it, tears were rolling down my cheeks.
“I know all three of them,” she said confidently.
Just then, the room door opened and the sound of a plastic bag followed. I quickly wiped my wet cheeks to rid of evidence, but I knew that he was too smart and observant to believe nothing happened. He paused briefly, but immediately looked away. In an attempt to give me time to regain composure, he deliberately shifted attention away from me.
“Sorry, the usual vending machine was out of order. I had to go to a convenience store to find this.” He reached into the bag, pulled out a sports drink and held it out in front of his mother’s hands.
“Thanks,” she smiled.
“I got you this.” He made his way over to where I was sitting, pulled out a bottle of hot café au lait, and placed it against my cheek.
“Ah! Oh… thank you.” When I grabbed the drink from his hands, he looked down at me with those warm, welcoming eyes. With a single smile, he seemed to tell me that he understood and that there was no need to explain a thing. I could feel the tears welling up again. I had no idea until moments ago that behind that inviting smile and deep within those gentle eyes, there was agony and undeserved guilt tearing him apart. The strong, confident man I thought I knew was also a broken boy who felt that he didn’t deserve the happiness given to him.
--
The rest of the afternoon was filled with lighthearted conversation. I accompanied Sho-san and his mother on a walk around a nearby park. As he pushed her in her wheelchair, she mentioned that this was one of her favorite things to do, and that she only got to do it when Sho-san visited. I felt like I was intruding in on mother-son time, but she assured me that it was nice to have someone new to talk to. We returned to her room around 4:00PM. As if receiving a cue, his mother began wrapping up the conversation.
“Don’t let this be the last time you bring her along.”
He didn’t say anything, but nodded in her direction. Just as we were about to leave the room, she called my name. When I turned around, she was smiling.
“Yes?”
“Are you a sprinter?”
“…Um, excuse me?” I didn’t understand her question.
“Or are you more of a marathon runner?”
I bit my lips and narrowed my eyes, confused. “Uh… I suppose if I had to choose between the two, I prefer the marathon.”
Her reserved smiled turned into a full-out grin. “Then I guess you won’t have any trouble chasing after something trying to get away?”
“What?”
“And for a long period of time?” Her eyes glimmered mysteriously.
“I’m… not sure what you’re trying to say.”
“I’m glad I have another teammate running the same race.” She grabbed her sports drink and raised it in the air as if she were saying a toast. “See you again, Kokoro-san.”
“It was my pleasure meeting you, Sakurai-san,” I bowed. As I stood there trying to decode her cryptic message, Sho-san exited the room and held the door open for me to follow.
I didn’t mean to, but I uttered not a single word on our way out of the building, partly because I was still trying to figure out what his mother had meant by those questions, and partly because I now knew a very vulnerable side of Sho-san. We passed by some nurses who all seemed to know him by name. He bowed politely at each one and flashed his charming smile. I could hear murmuring behind us, followed by gasps. They must be talking about him. As we neared the front doors, I distinctly heard one of the nurses at the reception desk say, “Is that his… no, no way. He can do so much better than that!” Correction: they’re talking about me. I turned my head down and hurried out of the building after him.
When we returned to his car, he opened the passenger seat door waited for me to climb inside.
“Oh… thanks.” My mind was clearly elsewhere.
“Hey.” Of course, he knew that already. As usual.
I wanted to say something. Actually, I was full of things to say. And yet, I found myself creaking underneath the weight of all that had happened in the past several hours that words escaped me. Instead, these emotions surfaced as teardrops rolling down my cheeks.
“Sho-san…” I gripped tightly onto his sleeve.
Instantly, he used his free arm to grab my shoulder and pulled me in. My cheeks hit the meaty part of his chest, and I could hear the firm beating of his heart. I could make out his deltoid muscle rising underneath his shirt as I felt his arm embrace me even tighter. My nose caught a scent of his cologne as he buried his nose into my hair.
“Those nurses like to gossip. Don’t let their words affect you.” His voice was breathy and low.
I shook my head. “No…” I sighed. “No…!”
Taken aback, he pulled away and brought his arm back down to his side.
“I don’t care what strangers think of me.” I wiped the tears with the palm of my hand. “Why…? Why won’t you let yourself be happy?”
Understanding the meaning behind my tears, he let out a heavy sigh and scratched the back of his neck. Perhaps he was thinking about avoiding this conversation altogether. But, I couldn’t. Now aware of what pain lies beneath his façade, seeing him smile hurt.
“You don’t get it, do you?” It was a first; his voice had a slight edge.
“Get what? How should I know if you don’t tell me anything?”
He glanced at me from the corner of his eyes. “Do you know why you’re here today?”
There’s that question again.
I did my best to give him an honest and educated guess. “So your mother could tell me about a past that’s still haunting you.”
He cast his eyes down as a fragile expression overtook him. His eyelashes fluttered like dandelion feathers carried up by the wind. I watched as he shook his head side-to-side, disappointment on his face. Did I hurt him with my words? Should I have kept this a secret? I wished he’d say something.
“What’s the one promise you made with me?” He finally spoke.
“To trust you,” I responded without hesitation.
“Then, why are you breaking that promise?”
“…What?” My heart began to race. Why would he say that? How did I break it?
“You told me it was important to you that you knew why I became a nightclub host.”
“I did, yes.”
“Why would my mom divulging my past help answer that question for you? Did you find the answer you were looking for through speaking with her?”
My eyes shifted nervously. He was right. Unable to respond, I exhaled deeply to calm my heartrate.
“How do you think she gets cared for?”
I gasped. Why didn’t I realize it earlier?
Sho-san tipped his head side to side to crack his neck. “You get it now?”
My hand had covered my mouth in an attempt to hide my surprise. I gave him a feeble nod, then sorted the story out in my head. Ten years ago, his mother fell ill. His family was unable to pay for her medical expenses, so he became a nightclub host to earn a steady income. Wait. Before that, he had worked as a bartender, I remembered. So, did he change professions because he could make more money as a host? But his home, his way of life… it’s far more luxurious than a life I’ve ever known. Does that mean he no longer has to worry about money? What about his dream of becoming a photographer? How does that fit into all this? My head began to hurt from all the questions.
“It had to be you.” His voice suddenly became sweet and forgiving.
I stared into his mysterious eyes and waited for clarification.
He chuckled to himself and scratched his head, almost looking like he wished he didn’t have to clarify himself any further. “You know, this is my first attempt at trying to forgive myself.”
“What…?”
“You’re the first woman who’s made me feel like I deserve to be happy.”
As his words from that night spun around in my head, it finally hit me. He believes that I can free him from his painful past. The weight of my revelation sunk like an anchor attached to my feet. Suddenly, this all made sense. My head began to spin and I felt like I was hyperventilating. I felt like my legs were giving way as I lost balance and began falling toward the car.
“Kokoro-san…!” His arms swung behind me and spun me around so that my back was now leaning against the car… except that, the cold, metal surface I expected didn’t come. Instead, I felt one hand on my lower back and another at the back of my head. When he slowly let go, he let out a sigh of relief.
“Is it too much?”
“…Hm?” I could barely hear myself. My heart was racing from how close his body was to mine, and I didn’t understand the question.
“The… responsibility of being my catalyst. If you feel uncomfortable in any way, you have to let me know. I don’t want to burden you.” His beautiful, brown eyes swayed worriedly.
I stared back at him, eyes brimming with tears. “You don’t get it, do you?” I blurted the same question he asked me earlier.
“Huh…?” His eyes opened wide in surprise.
“What took you so long…” I slapped his arm weakly.
He blinked slowly, holding onto every word.
“Besides...” I continued, “How would the equation make sense without your catalyst?” I slapped him again, this time with even less strength. My hand slid down his arm as my fingers feebly held on to the cuff of his sleeve.
Then, I heard a soft chuckle. When I looked into his face, his eyes fluttered endearingly and his mouth formed a gentle curve as his teeth peeked from behind them. There were wrinkles at the edges of his eyes and it seemed that he was sincerely smiling.
“I knew it,” he said as he pulled me into his arms and held me tightly. “I was right.”
“About what?” I brought my arms to his back and clung to his shirt.
“It has to be you.”
I smiled as I inhaled the scent of his cologne. “Your catalyst.”
“My Kokoro-san.”
He loosened his embrace and with one hand, combed through my hair. With his thumb, he traced my lips. Seeing his eyelashes turn downward, I closed my eyes. A soft, loving kiss tickled my senses. He lingered for a few seconds, then opened his eyes and combed my hair again.
“Salty,” he said as he licked his lips and wiped my tears with the back of his fingers.
“Heh,” I chuckled. “Whose fault is that?”
He smiled back, then placed a hand on the open passenger seat door and shifted his weight onto one leg. “Come on. I have one more place to take you before I have to head to work.”
I hesitated for a second. “…It’s not another hospital, is it?”
The corner of his mouth curled as he fought to keep a chuckle from escaping his lips. “You’ll know in a bit.”
My jaw dropped in disbelief. “I’m not going to get into this car unless you tell me!” I puffed out my cheeks.
He laughed through his nose and tilted his head flirtatiously. “Do as you please. But don’t get mad at me when I make you a Sidecar and you’re not there to enjoy it.” He began to walk toward the driver’s side of the car.
“Wh…!!” I hurried in and shut the door.
He took his time opening his own door and sat down slowly, stifling a smirk the whole time. “Look who’s eager to spend time with me all of a sudden.”
I stuck out my lips defiantly.
He started the car and we were off. Unlike the ride to the hospital, this time and space felt more comfortable. We had stepped out of our own comfort zones. Becoming vulnerable for someone is terrifying, but I didn’t know how freeing it could feel as well. As I took in the scenery from the passenger window, I began to recognize buildings and roads. When we turned a corner to park his car, I realized where he was taking me. I couldn’t keep from smiling.
“It’s been a while,” Sho-san chuckled.
I nodded and excitedly exited the car. After following him down a narrow, downhill pathway, he opened the door and stepped inside.
"Welcome, Sakurai-san, Kokoro-san." Yamashiro-san greeted us with his usual, friendly tone.
I followed Sho-san until we were at the end of the bar counter. He pulled out a seat and gestured for me to sit. Hayato-san peeked out from the kitchen and gave me a wave. I smiled. It was good to be back here again.
"Hayato," Sho-san called out.
"Sakurai sempai! Long time, no see." He wiped his wet hands on his apron.
"Could we see a food menu?"
Hayato-san's face beamed. "Of course!" He pulled out a cloth-bound folder from under the bar counter and opened it in front of us. "We got a shipment of fresh shrimp so I recommend the ceviche."
I watched Hayato-san as he explained the dish. "Do you cook everything on this menu?"
"I do!" he replied excitedly. "Yamashiro-san has been kind enough to let me experiment with the seasonal menu. But, I owe all this to Sakurai sempai."
"Hm?" I tilted my head toward Sho-san who was busy perusing the menu.
"If he didn't put in a good word for me, I would still be stuck cleaning glasses."
"Hey, that's a very important task as a bartender," Yamashiro-san chimed in playfully.
I giggled. "Yamashiro-san didn't know you're a mean cook?"
"Well, it started as a way to thank Yamashiro-san and Sakurai sempai for taking me under their wing," Hayato-san explained. "But sempai suggested that a seasonal food menu would give this bar an edge against our competition."
"He's got the talent. I just happened to be the one who gave him that extra push, that's all." Sho-san finally looked up from the menu and faced me.
"I'm an orphan. I don't have any siblings and I've never seen my parent's faces." A thankful smile crossed Hayato-san's face. "So, Sakurai sempai is like the big brother I wished I had. You could say I owe him my life."
Wait... Where have I heard that before?
Sho-san began ordering several things for the both of us, then turned toward me again.
"And what will you be drinking, Kokoro-san?" he asked in his host club tone.
"Is this some sort of trick question?” I narrowed my eyes and looked at him with skepticism.
He touched his nose with his forefinger and gazed back at me. Stop it. You’re putting me under your spell, aren’t you? He got up from his seat and stepped into the bar. A punch of cognac tickled my nostrils as the citrus scents fluttered about. My eyes watched his every move: the flick of the stirrer, the twist of the citrus wedge, his fingers as they held the base of the glass to slide the drink toward me.
"It's not polite to stare," he teased.
I heard Hayato-san chuckle. When I looked his way, he shook his head as he placed the menu back behind the counter.
“I’m sorry,” he apologized. “It’s just that…” His eyes moved back and forth between Sho-san and me.
“You’re observant,” Sho-san commended without looking at Hayato-san. “That’s a must if you’re a bartender.”
“Thank you, sempai.”
“Wait…” I pouted. “Are you two making fun of me?”
Hayato-san smiled. “Kokoro-san.”
“What?”
“Did something happen since the last time you two visited?” He raised his eyebrows knowingly.
“Ah!” I gasped. I felt my cheeks burning up and looked away.
“I thought so,” Hayato-san nodded. “This is big news.”
Sho-san smiled gently, eyes downcast. Is he blushing…?
“Congratulations, Sakurai sempai!”
Hearing this, Yamashiro-san peeked over at Sho-san for a moment and smiled to himself. Clearly, I was the only one taken by surprise.
I looked at Hayato-san in complete awe. “H-How did you know?”
He stuck out his lips confidently and glanced over at Sho-san. “I learn from the best.” He then scurried back into the kitchen to prepare our order.
Sho-san made his way back to the other side of the counter and sat down with a glass of bourbon. He seemed completely unfazed by what had just happened. Perhaps that shy smile earlier was just another one of his smirks. The orange lighting must be messing with my vision, I thought. As I held the amber drink in my hand, it suddenly hit me.
"Maki-chan!!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me with wide eyes. "Hm? Maki-chan?"
"I knew I had heard someone say that before!”
“Say what?” he chuckled, amused at my memory.
“‘You could say I owe him my life’,” I repeated. “When I met Maki-chan, she said the same thing to me.”
He took a sip of his drink and licked his lips. “She said that?”
I nodded, but it was then I realized that she and I had talked personal matters. Perhaps it wasn’t my place to tell him, I thought. But, it was he who continued the conversation.
“She told you about Shun, I presume?”
I pinched my lips with my nails nervously. “Yeah.”
He nodded and placed his drink back on the counter. “She’s giving me too much credit,” he stated.
“It’s not something I’d easily blurt out, at least.” My drink glimmered like a precious jewel. “She must mean it.”
He stared at the liquor selection lining the wall behind the counter. “I just can’t stand guys who can’t see a woman’s worth, that’s all.” His voice was low and his breath smelled like the sugars dissipating from his bourbon.
“Can I ask you a question?”
“Hm?”
“Here we are, the shrimp ceviche and the balsamic bruschetta. The buttered clams and lamb chops should be done in a little bit.” As Hayato-san placed serving dishes in front of us, he realized he had interrupted an important conversation.
“I’m sorry. I just did the worst thing a bartender can do,” he said apologetically.
“That’s okay,” I assured. “Wow! Smells great!”
Hayato-san bowed modestly. He was about to head back into the kitchen when Sho-san invited him into our conversation with a question.
“Aren’t you going to hear Kokoro-san’s famous food analysis?”
I glared at him from the corner of my eyes and puffed out my cheeks. Both he and Hayato-san burst into laughter.
“How could I forget?” Hayato-san bubbled with enthusiasm.
I expected Sho-san to continue the teasing game with some witty remark, so I furrowed my eyes as I turned my body to scowl at him. But the man who reflected in my eyes distracted my train of thought. With his elbow on the counter and chin resting on his fingers, he was smiling at me as if he were looking at something irreplaceable. Wait. I’m supposed to me mad at you. I had an important question to ask you. I felt myself losing the fight again. When I sighed, he raised his eyebrows and gazed at me innocently. There was no use trying to win.
“Fine,” I complained. “But you better be taking notes, because it’s going to be on the quiz.”
Hayato-san giggled and held an invisible pen and notepad in the air. “I’m ready.”
--
“You didn’t have to walk me to the door.”
“I know.”
After we left Yamashiro-san’s bar, Sho-san drove me back home before work. I insisted that he could just drop me off in front of the building, but that wasn’t his style. He parked the car temporarily in the guest parking lot and walked me to the front doors of my apartment building.
“Have a good day at work,” I said as I fidgeted around my purse for my keys. “And thanks for introducing me to your mom today.”
“Hey.”
“Yeah?”
“Thanks.”
“…For what?”
“For trusting me.” His forefinger gently moved my bangs away from my eyes.
I remembered something and smiled. “Did you know your mom thought I was brave?”
“What, for coming with me?”
“Yeah. I told her that’s a euphemism.”
“Ah, for ‘crazy’?” he chuckled.
I laughed and nodded in agreement.
“You might be right,” he pondered. “I’m not sure if any sane person would be cut out for the role of the catalyst.”
“…Are you calling me insane?” I furrowed my eyebrows playfully.
“You have to be to be with me.” He cradled the back of my head with his hand and planted his soft, buoyant lips on mine. His other hand pulled me in closer at the waist as his tongue flirted and tickled my lips.
“Mm…”
He forcibly broke the kiss and bit his lower lip apologetically. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have done that.”
“Why?”
“Because I won’t be able to control myself,” he sighed passionately.
My cheeks burned from the blood rising to my face. I felt like his marionette. His every move and every word could determine my next move.
He stroked my arm. “I have an idea.”
“Hm?”
“Let’s go on a trip.”
“A trip? Where?”
“I have a few suggestions.” His face lit up excitedly.
“I’d love that.”
“We can talk about it later. Good night, Kokoro-san.”
His lips landed softly on my forehead before he urged me to get inside. Just like the first night he walked me home, he waited outside the glass doors until I got on the elevator. I raised my hand shyly to wave him good night. He smiled and showed the palm of his hand as the elevator doors closed shut.
Today was a long day. A lot had happened. But I realized something important: I felt like I finally understood him. The warmth of his kiss lingered on my forehead as I opened the door to my apartment. What have you signed yourself up for, Kokoro? I didn’t have all the answers, but I wanted to believe that I had seen the light at the end of his dark, lonely tunnel.