HENRY IV: PART I, ACT I
But first, a brief FAQ:
Wait what? What happened to Dickens?
A Rant of Two Cities has two parts left, both of which will be posted after the Henrys are done.
But why?
Because in response to the physical Olympics taking place in London this summer, the BBC has decided to put on a cultural Olympics in the form of a whole bunch o' new Shakespeare movies based on the history plays. They're calling the whole shebang The Hollow Crown, and it includes Richard II (which premiered last Sunday), Henry IV: Part I, Henry IV: Part II, and Henry V.
What with new movies happening, a series of Shakespearian rants seemed like the timely thing to do.
So why aren't you starting with Richard II?
Because it doesn't have Tom Hiddleston in it.*
Do you have any of the qualifications required to do a scholarly reading of Shakespeare? Like, at all?
Nope!
I have read Macbeth (Lady Macbeth was way cooler than her husband and should have been king), Hamlet (ilu Horatio), Romeo and Juliet (not a real love story; in a perfect world, everyone but Mercutio would have died), A Midsummer Night's Dream (memorized Titania's speech about her one mortal lady friend who kicked it; I have since determined quite scientifically that they were totally lesbians), and Twelfth Night (the one where everyone crossdresses forever). Plus I've watched the Reduced Shakespeare Company's Complete Works of William Shakespeare: Abridged! like four billion times.
Apart from that, I got nothin'. Let's do this!
---
ACT ONE, SCENE ONE
London. The palace.
King Henry IV is seriously fucking sick of the people of England killing each other all the damn time. He says NO MORE to that!
But apparently people are fighting anyway, because according to the Earl of Westmoreland, the noble Mortimer was captured by the wild Glendower, and a thousand of Mortimer's soldiers were butchered and castrated by Welshwoman.
In response, the King decides that maybe they should call off the Crusades for a bit while they try to deal with the bloodbath that's happening back home.
The Earl of Westmoreland has even more bad news: Harry Percy, aka gallant Hotspur, and brave Archibald have fought with some Scots up north, and nobody's sure who won.
Except for Sir Walter Blunt, who just arrived! According to him, Hotspur defeated the Earl of Douglas and took a buttload of prisoners, including Mordake, Earl of Fife and Douglas's eldest son.
Everybody's super proud and happy about Hotspur's great success. King Henry IV wishes his own son were more like him. No, seriously...
[...] O that it could be proved
That some night-tripping fairy had exchanged
In cradle clothes our children where they lay,
And called mine Percy, his Plantagenet!
Then would I have his Harry, and he mine.
Sounds like a healthy attitude to have towards one's own children. But what's so bad about the King's Harry, anyway?
---
ACT ONE, SCENE TWO
London. The prince's lodging.
We interrupt a conversation between Sir John Falstaff and the Prince of Wales**, aka King Henry IV's Harry, aka Prince Hal. Falstaff wants to know what time it is, but Prince Hal has a speech impediment that requires him to respond as snarkily as possible.
What a devil hast thou to do with the time of the day? Unless hours were cups of sack, and minutes capons, and clocks the tongues of bawds, and dials the signs of leaping houses, and the blessed sun himself a fair hot wench in flame-colored taffeta, I see no reason why thou shouldst be so superfluous to demand the time of day.
And that's the moment where I remembered why I love Shakespeare.
Falstaff, who inspired Volstagg from Thor***, thinks Prince Hal's description of him is pretty much spot-on. But he's fine with that.
Let us be Diana's foresters, gentlemen of the shade, minions of the moon
...by which he means they should spend the rest of their days drinking and gambling and whoring and having a grand ol' time, though on the first read-through it sounds like he's suggesting they all become Tuxedo Mask. But how are they paying for all these good times?
Prince: Yea, and elsewhere, so far as my coin would stretch; and where it would not, I have used my credit.
Falstaff: Yea, and so used it that, were it not here apparent that thou art heir apparent--
Oh dear.
Falstaff mentions that when Prince Hal is king, he'll have thieves hanged. Prince Hal replies that Falstaff will do the hanging. Falstaff thinks this means Prince Hal will make him a judge; Prince Hal is quick to correct that he means to make Falstaff a hangman. Falstaff doesn't seem to mind; a job's a job. Prince Hal proves himself smart enough to use Bible quotes as witticisms, which is probably supposed to show the audience that our boy could be doing so much better than hanging out in whorehouses. Waste of talent, etc.
A dude named Poins, whom Prince Hal calls Ned, enters and suggests some fun leisurely activities for the three of them to engage in.
But, my lads, my lads, tomorrow morning, by four o'clock early, at Gad's Hill! There are pilgrims going to Canterbury with rich offerings, and traders riding to London with fat purses. I have vizards for you all; you have horses for yourselves. Gadshill lies tonight in Rochester. I have bespoken supper tomorrow night in Eastcheap. We may do it as secure as sleep. If you will go, I will stuff your purses full of crowns; if you will not, tarry home and be hanged!
Am I missing something here? Because it sounds like he's suggestion that the heir to the English throne should rob pilgrims for sport. And that seems... not good.
Prince: Who, I rob? I a thief? Not I, by my faith.
You tell 'em, Prince Hal! Just say no!
Falstaff says that a Real Man would totally beat up some pilgrims and take their money, but Prince Hal stands firm. Kind of. It depends on your definition of "madcap." Anyway, Poins tells Falstaff to go away, and promises to convince Prince Hal to become a highwayman. Falstaff leaves.
Prince: Farewell, the latter spring! Farewell, Allhallown summer!
which is really a very clever reference to how Falstaff is an older guy who acts like a college freshman.
With Falstaff gone, Poins launches into his plan.
Poins: Now, my good sweet honey lord, ride with us tomorrow. I have a jest to execute that I cannot manage alone. Falstaff, Bardolph, Peto, and Gadshill shall rob those men that we have already waylaid; yourself and I will not be there; and when they have the booty, if you and I do not rob them, cut this head off from my shoulders.
Oh, okay. So you're not gonna rob pilgrims. You're just going to tell your friends to rob pilgrims, and then rob your friends. That's way less ethically questionable.
Prince Hal hems and haws, saying that their friends will recognize them (but Poins has disguises for them to wear!) and that their friends will prove too difficult to rob.
Poins: Well, for two of them, I know them to be as true-bred cowards as ever turned back; and for the third, if he fight longer than he sees reason, I'll forswear arms. The virtue of this jest will be the incomprehensible lies that this same fat rogue will tell us when we meet at supper: how thirty, at least, he fought with; what wards, what blows, what extremities he endured; and in the reproof of this lives the jest.
Yep, that's our Volstagg Falstaff.
At last, Prince Hal agrees to do crime for fun. A satisfied Poins leaves, and Prince Hal soliloquises about his own imminent about-face.
I'll so offend to make offense a skill,
Redeeming time when men think least I will.
---
ACT ONE, SCENE THREE
Windsor. The council chamber.
Here we find the King, Northumberland, Hotspur, Sir Walter Blunt, and Worcester, where I saw Finntroll and Rammstein in concert, but neglected to catch MSI.
The King is not happy with Worcester because of reasons, and bids him depart. With Worcester gone, Northumberland steps in to explain that his son, Hotspur, is not refusing to give his Scottish prisoners over to the king, despite outward appearances. Hotspur speaks up in his own defense.
My liege, I did deny no prisoners.
But I remember, when the fight was done,
When I was dry with rage and extreme toil,
Breathless and faint, leaning upon my sword,
Came there a certain lord, neat and trimly dressed,
Fresh ad a bridegroom, and his chin new reaped
Showed like a stubble land at harvest home.
He was perfumèd like a milliner,
And 'twixt his finger and his thumb he held
A pouncet box, which ever and anon
He gave his nose, and took't away again;
Who therewith angry, when it next came there,
Took it in snuff; and still he smiled and talked;
And as the soldiers bore dead bodies by,
He called them untaught knaves, unmannerly,
To bring a slovenly unhandsome corse
Betwixt the wind and his nobility.
With many holiday and lady terms
He questioned me, amongst the rest demanded
My prisoners in your Majesty's behalf.
I then, all smarting with my wounds being cold,
To be so pest'red with a popingay,
Out of my grief and my impatience
Answered neglectingly, I know not what--
He should, or he should not; for me made me mad
To see him shine so brisk, and smell so sweet,
And talk so like a waiting gentlewoman
Of guns and drums and wounds--God save the mark!--
And telling me the sovereignest thing on earth
Was parmacity for an inward bruise,
And that it was great pity, so it was,
This villainous saltpeter should be digged
Out of the bowels of the harmless earth,
Which may a good tall fellow had destroyed
So cowardly, and but for these vile guns,
He would himself have been a soldier.
This bald unjointed chat of his, my lord,
I answered indirectly, as I said,
And I beseech you, let not his report
Come current for an accusation
Betwixt my love and your high Majesty.
tl;dr - Hotspur has literally just finished murdering the shit out of a whole bunch of dudes when some pencil-pusher from the king's court comes by and demands all the prisoners be turned over. While making these demands, said pencil-pusher complains about the soldiers doing their job to clear the corpses off the damn battlefield and acts like he knows more about war and medicine than the people who were chopping other people into tiny little bits scant minutes ago. Hotspur doesn't take it well and says some off-the-cuff stuff that he would very much like to recant now that he's had time to cool down.
Is it wrong to love Hotspur? Because I think I love Hotspur.
The King is willing to accept Hotspur's apology, as long as Hotspur gives over the prisoners. But he has no intention to ransom Mortimer****, whom he considers a traitor for losing his battle so miserably. Hotspur thinks this is bullshit, since Mortimer has an awful lot of wounds for a guy who supposedly spent the battle running away, but the King stands firm.
Once the King has left the room, Hotspur flips his shit. He wants to run after the King and tell him to take his prisoners and shove it, but Northumberland (his dad) holds him back. Hotspur's uncle Worcester returns just in time to hear the following.
Hotspur: Speak of Mortimer?
Zounds, I will speak of him, and let my soul
Want mercy if I do not join with him!
Yea, on his part I'll empty all these veins,
And shed my dear blood drop by drop in the dust,
But I will lift the downtrod Mortimer
As high in the air as this unthankful king,
As this ingrate and cank'red Bolingbroke.
Northumberland: Brother, the King hath made your nephew mad.
NO SHIT.
Worcester explains that the King is probably refusing to help Mortimer because Richard II originally made Mortimer his heir, before getting deposed and hella murdered. Hotspur continues his rant, going on and on about how Richard II was way cooler and better-smelling than Henry IV. Worcester and Northumberland try to shut him up, but he is having none of it.
Nay, I will! That's flat!
He said he would not ransom Mortimer,
Forbade my tongue to speak of Mortimer,
But I will find him when he lies asleep,
And in his ear I'll hollo "Mortimer."
Nay, I'll have a starling shall be taught to speak
Nothing by "Mortimer," and give it him
To keep his anger still in motion.
ilu Hotspur
At long last, his anger blows out. Worcester tells Hotspur to surrender all his prisoners except for Mordake (the Earl of Douglas' son). Then, Northumberland will go to the Archbishop of York and start planning some delicious rebellion.
---
*I did watch the movie, but I did not read the play beforehand.
THINGS I LEARNED FROM THE MOVIE:
- Richard II was gay.
- Like mad gay.
- No, seriously, he just would not stop mincing. It was like an affliction.
- He was also Saint Sebastian, which just goes to show: gaaaaaaaay.
- Also he was Jesus.
**I legit just typed "Whales" twice. I blame Melville.
***If you have not seen Thor, I will remind you that it is basically Shakespeare with space aliens and also possibly the first feminist superhero movie. In conclusion, Thor is awesome and you should watch it.
****
---
HENRY IV: PART I, ACT I
HENRY IV: PART I, ACT II
HENRY IV: PART I, ACT III
HENRY IV: PART I, ACT IV
HENRY IV: PART I, ACT V
Wait what? What happened to Dickens?
A Rant of Two Cities has two parts left, both of which will be posted after the Henrys are done.
But why?
Because in response to the physical Olympics taking place in London this summer, the BBC has decided to put on a cultural Olympics in the form of a whole bunch o' new Shakespeare movies based on the history plays. They're calling the whole shebang The Hollow Crown, and it includes Richard II (which premiered last Sunday), Henry IV: Part I, Henry IV: Part II, and Henry V.
What with new movies happening, a series of Shakespearian rants seemed like the timely thing to do.
So why aren't you starting with Richard II?
Because it doesn't have Tom Hiddleston in it.*
Do you have any of the qualifications required to do a scholarly reading of Shakespeare? Like, at all?
Nope!
I have read Macbeth (Lady Macbeth was way cooler than her husband and should have been king), Hamlet (ilu Horatio), Romeo and Juliet (not a real love story; in a perfect world, everyone but Mercutio would have died), A Midsummer Night's Dream (memorized Titania's speech about her one mortal lady friend who kicked it; I have since determined quite scientifically that they were totally lesbians), and Twelfth Night (the one where everyone crossdresses forever). Plus I've watched the Reduced Shakespeare Company's Complete Works of William Shakespeare: Abridged! like four billion times.
Apart from that, I got nothin'. Let's do this!
---
ACT ONE, SCENE ONE
London. The palace.
King Henry IV is seriously fucking sick of the people of England killing each other all the damn time. He says NO MORE to that!
But apparently people are fighting anyway, because according to the Earl of Westmoreland, the noble Mortimer was captured by the wild Glendower, and a thousand of Mortimer's soldiers were butchered and castrated by Welshwoman.
In response, the King decides that maybe they should call off the Crusades for a bit while they try to deal with the bloodbath that's happening back home.
The Earl of Westmoreland has even more bad news: Harry Percy, aka gallant Hotspur, and brave Archibald have fought with some Scots up north, and nobody's sure who won.
Except for Sir Walter Blunt, who just arrived! According to him, Hotspur defeated the Earl of Douglas and took a buttload of prisoners, including Mordake, Earl of Fife and Douglas's eldest son.
Everybody's super proud and happy about Hotspur's great success. King Henry IV wishes his own son were more like him. No, seriously...
[...] O that it could be proved
That some night-tripping fairy had exchanged
In cradle clothes our children where they lay,
And called mine Percy, his Plantagenet!
Then would I have his Harry, and he mine.
Sounds like a healthy attitude to have towards one's own children. But what's so bad about the King's Harry, anyway?
---
ACT ONE, SCENE TWO
London. The prince's lodging.
We interrupt a conversation between Sir John Falstaff and the Prince of Wales**, aka King Henry IV's Harry, aka Prince Hal. Falstaff wants to know what time it is, but Prince Hal has a speech impediment that requires him to respond as snarkily as possible.
What a devil hast thou to do with the time of the day? Unless hours were cups of sack, and minutes capons, and clocks the tongues of bawds, and dials the signs of leaping houses, and the blessed sun himself a fair hot wench in flame-colored taffeta, I see no reason why thou shouldst be so superfluous to demand the time of day.
And that's the moment where I remembered why I love Shakespeare.
Falstaff, who inspired Volstagg from Thor***, thinks Prince Hal's description of him is pretty much spot-on. But he's fine with that.
Let us be Diana's foresters, gentlemen of the shade, minions of the moon
...by which he means they should spend the rest of their days drinking and gambling and whoring and having a grand ol' time, though on the first read-through it sounds like he's suggesting they all become Tuxedo Mask. But how are they paying for all these good times?
Prince: Yea, and elsewhere, so far as my coin would stretch; and where it would not, I have used my credit.
Falstaff: Yea, and so used it that, were it not here apparent that thou art heir apparent--
Oh dear.
Falstaff mentions that when Prince Hal is king, he'll have thieves hanged. Prince Hal replies that Falstaff will do the hanging. Falstaff thinks this means Prince Hal will make him a judge; Prince Hal is quick to correct that he means to make Falstaff a hangman. Falstaff doesn't seem to mind; a job's a job. Prince Hal proves himself smart enough to use Bible quotes as witticisms, which is probably supposed to show the audience that our boy could be doing so much better than hanging out in whorehouses. Waste of talent, etc.
A dude named Poins, whom Prince Hal calls Ned, enters and suggests some fun leisurely activities for the three of them to engage in.
But, my lads, my lads, tomorrow morning, by four o'clock early, at Gad's Hill! There are pilgrims going to Canterbury with rich offerings, and traders riding to London with fat purses. I have vizards for you all; you have horses for yourselves. Gadshill lies tonight in Rochester. I have bespoken supper tomorrow night in Eastcheap. We may do it as secure as sleep. If you will go, I will stuff your purses full of crowns; if you will not, tarry home and be hanged!
Am I missing something here? Because it sounds like he's suggestion that the heir to the English throne should rob pilgrims for sport. And that seems... not good.
Prince: Who, I rob? I a thief? Not I, by my faith.
You tell 'em, Prince Hal! Just say no!
Falstaff says that a Real Man would totally beat up some pilgrims and take their money, but Prince Hal stands firm. Kind of. It depends on your definition of "madcap." Anyway, Poins tells Falstaff to go away, and promises to convince Prince Hal to become a highwayman. Falstaff leaves.
Prince: Farewell, the latter spring! Farewell, Allhallown summer!
which is really a very clever reference to how Falstaff is an older guy who acts like a college freshman.
With Falstaff gone, Poins launches into his plan.
Poins: Now, my good sweet honey lord, ride with us tomorrow. I have a jest to execute that I cannot manage alone. Falstaff, Bardolph, Peto, and Gadshill shall rob those men that we have already waylaid; yourself and I will not be there; and when they have the booty, if you and I do not rob them, cut this head off from my shoulders.
Oh, okay. So you're not gonna rob pilgrims. You're just going to tell your friends to rob pilgrims, and then rob your friends. That's way less ethically questionable.
Prince Hal hems and haws, saying that their friends will recognize them (but Poins has disguises for them to wear!) and that their friends will prove too difficult to rob.
Poins: Well, for two of them, I know them to be as true-bred cowards as ever turned back; and for the third, if he fight longer than he sees reason, I'll forswear arms. The virtue of this jest will be the incomprehensible lies that this same fat rogue will tell us when we meet at supper: how thirty, at least, he fought with; what wards, what blows, what extremities he endured; and in the reproof of this lives the jest.
Yep, that's our Volstagg Falstaff.
At last, Prince Hal agrees to do crime for fun. A satisfied Poins leaves, and Prince Hal soliloquises about his own imminent about-face.
I'll so offend to make offense a skill,
Redeeming time when men think least I will.
---
ACT ONE, SCENE THREE
Windsor. The council chamber.
Here we find the King, Northumberland, Hotspur, Sir Walter Blunt, and Worcester, where I saw Finntroll and Rammstein in concert, but neglected to catch MSI.
The King is not happy with Worcester because of reasons, and bids him depart. With Worcester gone, Northumberland steps in to explain that his son, Hotspur, is not refusing to give his Scottish prisoners over to the king, despite outward appearances. Hotspur speaks up in his own defense.
My liege, I did deny no prisoners.
But I remember, when the fight was done,
When I was dry with rage and extreme toil,
Breathless and faint, leaning upon my sword,
Came there a certain lord, neat and trimly dressed,
Fresh ad a bridegroom, and his chin new reaped
Showed like a stubble land at harvest home.
He was perfumèd like a milliner,
And 'twixt his finger and his thumb he held
A pouncet box, which ever and anon
He gave his nose, and took't away again;
Who therewith angry, when it next came there,
Took it in snuff; and still he smiled and talked;
And as the soldiers bore dead bodies by,
He called them untaught knaves, unmannerly,
To bring a slovenly unhandsome corse
Betwixt the wind and his nobility.
With many holiday and lady terms
He questioned me, amongst the rest demanded
My prisoners in your Majesty's behalf.
I then, all smarting with my wounds being cold,
To be so pest'red with a popingay,
Out of my grief and my impatience
Answered neglectingly, I know not what--
He should, or he should not; for me made me mad
To see him shine so brisk, and smell so sweet,
And talk so like a waiting gentlewoman
Of guns and drums and wounds--God save the mark!--
And telling me the sovereignest thing on earth
Was parmacity for an inward bruise,
And that it was great pity, so it was,
This villainous saltpeter should be digged
Out of the bowels of the harmless earth,
Which may a good tall fellow had destroyed
So cowardly, and but for these vile guns,
He would himself have been a soldier.
This bald unjointed chat of his, my lord,
I answered indirectly, as I said,
And I beseech you, let not his report
Come current for an accusation
Betwixt my love and your high Majesty.
tl;dr - Hotspur has literally just finished murdering the shit out of a whole bunch of dudes when some pencil-pusher from the king's court comes by and demands all the prisoners be turned over. While making these demands, said pencil-pusher complains about the soldiers doing their job to clear the corpses off the damn battlefield and acts like he knows more about war and medicine than the people who were chopping other people into tiny little bits scant minutes ago. Hotspur doesn't take it well and says some off-the-cuff stuff that he would very much like to recant now that he's had time to cool down.
Is it wrong to love Hotspur? Because I think I love Hotspur.
The King is willing to accept Hotspur's apology, as long as Hotspur gives over the prisoners. But he has no intention to ransom Mortimer****, whom he considers a traitor for losing his battle so miserably. Hotspur thinks this is bullshit, since Mortimer has an awful lot of wounds for a guy who supposedly spent the battle running away, but the King stands firm.
Once the King has left the room, Hotspur flips his shit. He wants to run after the King and tell him to take his prisoners and shove it, but Northumberland (his dad) holds him back. Hotspur's uncle Worcester returns just in time to hear the following.
Hotspur: Speak of Mortimer?
Zounds, I will speak of him, and let my soul
Want mercy if I do not join with him!
Yea, on his part I'll empty all these veins,
And shed my dear blood drop by drop in the dust,
But I will lift the downtrod Mortimer
As high in the air as this unthankful king,
As this ingrate and cank'red Bolingbroke.
Northumberland: Brother, the King hath made your nephew mad.
NO SHIT.
Worcester explains that the King is probably refusing to help Mortimer because Richard II originally made Mortimer his heir, before getting deposed and hella murdered. Hotspur continues his rant, going on and on about how Richard II was way cooler and better-smelling than Henry IV. Worcester and Northumberland try to shut him up, but he is having none of it.
Nay, I will! That's flat!
He said he would not ransom Mortimer,
Forbade my tongue to speak of Mortimer,
But I will find him when he lies asleep,
And in his ear I'll hollo "Mortimer."
Nay, I'll have a starling shall be taught to speak
Nothing by "Mortimer," and give it him
To keep his anger still in motion.
ilu Hotspur
At long last, his anger blows out. Worcester tells Hotspur to surrender all his prisoners except for Mordake (the Earl of Douglas' son). Then, Northumberland will go to the Archbishop of York and start planning some delicious rebellion.
---
*I did watch the movie, but I did not read the play beforehand.
THINGS I LEARNED FROM THE MOVIE:
- Richard II was gay.
- Like mad gay.
- No, seriously, he just would not stop mincing. It was like an affliction.
- He was also Saint Sebastian, which just goes to show: gaaaaaaaay.
- Also he was Jesus.
**I legit just typed "Whales" twice. I blame Melville.
***If you have not seen Thor, I will remind you that it is basically Shakespeare with space aliens and also possibly the first feminist superhero movie. In conclusion, Thor is awesome and you should watch it.
****
---
HENRY IV: PART I, ACT I
HENRY IV: PART I, ACT II
HENRY IV: PART I, ACT III
HENRY IV: PART I, ACT IV
HENRY IV: PART I, ACT V