Crush
I never thought I would write here again in LJ but my mind is swirling in thought and words. If you are flying in here for the first time, one thing is to be known: I never use real names. I've always used LJ to dump my feelings and fears and I find myself missing and wanting a place to drop them again. So here I am...8 years later. I briefly went through bits of my archive. You can, too, if you poke around but I digress.
I'm not sure where to really start. Lots of things have happened since I last logged in here. I think most of you who are left, follow me on Facebook, and probably know most of it.
I've gone through a very dark period lasting 10 years or so. A lot has happened. And a lot of depression with sheets of pouring anger and torrential storms of tears.
Life is so dark. I'm so tired of seeing the vitriol and hate and passive aggressiveness that I see on Facebook. It no longer feels like a friendly outlet. I see so much political divide, xenophobia, animal abuse, mass killings, the bombings, et cetera, et cetera, ad nauseum. I've grown tired of all the ridiculous posts, rants, and memes. Lately, I refuse to turn on the news. Even work, has become a negative outlet. Everything is down and it's so hard to see any goodness anymore. And it's getting to me. Really getting to me. Nothing but hate Everywhere. I'm trying to make the most of it. It's all any of us do really.
I need to talk about work. There is a lot more wrong there than right but I won't delve into boring specifics. I want to talk about Crush. He's in a place of position and with that position it just doesn't matter here in this content. And we've worked together for a number of years now. He's someone I really don't see a lot of but still interact a lot with. We've had our bouts over time. I've never been sure if it's direct provoked-ness or just a battle of two, strong, opinionated people. There always seems to be an underlying edge to it. That's my perception. That there always seemed something a little more underneath. I'm not sure I can explain it.
Fairly recently, Crush snapped at me as I was complaining about something and he told me that all I do is bitch when I see him. I snapped back and said if I saw him on a day to day basis that he might see me differently and once every three weeks doesn't cut it. And that he didn't know me. He insisted he did. And I told him he had no idea who I was. I seethed for the rest of the night, his words repeating in my head. Over and over. Like a mantra. I questioned my outright anger that always seemed channeled towards him. And then I realized it. I had fallen for him. And I had fallen a long time ago but just denied it. That stopped me in my tracks. My carefully built wall to keep everyone out seamlessly fell upon me. All in one realized moment.
As a result, I've tried desperately to correct my behavior. I talked with Sage about it for that next entire weekend. I was so livid. Seething, steaming, boiling hot. Sage tried to calm me down and pointed out a few things. How I was acting wasn't working for me. And I'm sure it wasn't working for Crush either. I had to sit back and reevaluate how I was acting towards him. And in doing so, I realized I really cared for him. Cared very deeply. I was actually surprised by this. I'd been carrying a load of rage around for so long I didn't see what was right in front of me. I've been back through some of my emails I've sent out to him and I'm ashamed. Talk about a sharp tongue. Wow. There were some I probably should have been walked out the door for and I'm not sure how I wasn't.
When your hide your emotions for so long, discovering them again can be very difficult. With my year and a half in veterinary medicine, you learn to compartmentalize your feelings. You absolutely have to. It's actually part of the job. You can have a euthanasia in one room, then have a new puppy in for an exam in the next room, then an angry client in the room after that. You have to remain professional. You really learn to shelve your feelings. I look at is as having a box for each feeling. When you're done with it, you stuff it down into a box and put it back on its shelf. It's a coping mechanism. That's how I look at it. It's like people sometimes look at me like I'm cold and indifferent. I found it easily applicable in manufacturing as well. But most of the emotions there run into the negative side. It's easy to have anger and sarcasm at the forefront. A constant veil of protection.
There was a week not that long ago that I named hell week. A time of corporate restructuring. Crush wasn't working that week. I've been through a number of these over my life and usually they don't bother me in the least. This time though was different. This one was nasty and I heard things I dare not repeat. The more I heard, the more I outright panicked. So many bad things - people just talking smack. And they talked smack about Crush, too. This was the week I had everyone asking of things from me. I had more bosses that week then I cared to count. Everyone was just demanding and nasty. And needed everything now now now. Very stressful. I was to the point of tears most nights. I needed Crush there. I felt safe with him near and with him not there, I felt like I was falling to pieces. Everything felt different. Several times during the week I had sent him text messages trying to find out things that he simply did not know. Though they were all business, each one lobbed back helped me to just breathe. He wasn't there and didn't have to answer me but he did. A small kindness I won't forget.
When he came back I was so relieved. Tears are even welling up in my eyes typing this. He had kinda snuck up on me as I was working and leaned in and bumped me with his arm. Swayed back and did it again. Without looking up, I reached and grasped his arm above the elbow with a finger, another finger, until I had grabbed his inner arm with my hand and gently squeezed while my head leaned in against his outer arm. My eyes closed. This lasted a second or so but felt like an eternity. In this moment, I felt my weakest. I wanted to cry. I wanted to bury my head and sob and I just wanted his arms around me. I felt myself start to shake and that's when I let go and swallowed hard. I allowed my anger to resurface to gain a semblance of control as I started talking shop. And then fear came over me as I wondered what he thought about me grabbing/hugging his arm.
A few times since then, he's had to borrow my computer. The one time, I kept working as I slid over to allow him room. With a lowered, quieter tone, he called me sassy. I enjoyed the way he said that. I liked the fact he was standing so close to me. Tall, dark, and yum. I felt faint but kept working. Not really knowing what to say. I liked him just being there. So.Close.
And the thing is though, LiveJournal, I texted him ten lines of love. Basically this whole post summarized. Maybe not the smartest thing to do but I did. On a whim. I couldn't contain myself any longer. I wanted to whisper it to him but I couldn't. The day before I thought about it and there was a pause in the conversation, my mind was going 100 miles a minute, and I heard a ' you can't tell him that!' loudly in my head. It was so loud, for a second, I thought he heard it, too. Out went the text the next day, right after a visit.
But here's the thing: I like it when he comes over and talks to me. And I get to look in his eyes, so deep, that I could almost fall into them. I like it when he fist bumps me, elbows me, nudges me. I like it any time he touches me. It's innocent, playful, and flirty. I know I want more and I know I won't get it but that doesn't stop the way that I feel. Like when you wake up in the deep dark night with such a longing and your hands reach down until you feel ecstatic bliss, lips slightly parted as his name rolls off them, being whispered over and over again. Yeah. Just.Like.That.
What do I expect to gain from all this? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Sometimes there are circumstances that we have no control over and things or even other people get in the way. Sometimes the fantasy is better than the reality. And sometimes the way you feel so pent-up, you need somewhere to put them, because the pain you feel inside has become so intense you feel like you're going to burst. Sometimes it feels like I have a neon sign over my head announcing the way I feel. That makes things so hard and my heart beats so fast. And which is why I'm writing all this down.
It's the way the world is now though, you just never know what's going to happen. Here today, gone tomorrow. In a blink of an eye. You just don't know. So much hate in the world, and only I want to do is love. Is it so bad telling somebody else you care about them? Or love them? Without expecting anything in return? Sure, I have hope. I have hope that there could be an inkling of something there. But I'm not expecting it to be. As for those ten lines, I never did get a response but I wasn't expecting one. That keeps me wondering but at least it wasn't a 'dear, StarCat' letter or an F off! I've seen Crush a few times since then but I can't judge any reaction. Right now it's hard to look him in the eyes, because I feel vulnerable. I feel naked and raw but bold. Now I can say he knows me now. More so, if I give him the link to fly in here. Back to business as usual.
I'm not sure where to really start. Lots of things have happened since I last logged in here. I think most of you who are left, follow me on Facebook, and probably know most of it.
I've gone through a very dark period lasting 10 years or so. A lot has happened. And a lot of depression with sheets of pouring anger and torrential storms of tears.
Life is so dark. I'm so tired of seeing the vitriol and hate and passive aggressiveness that I see on Facebook. It no longer feels like a friendly outlet. I see so much political divide, xenophobia, animal abuse, mass killings, the bombings, et cetera, et cetera, ad nauseum. I've grown tired of all the ridiculous posts, rants, and memes. Lately, I refuse to turn on the news. Even work, has become a negative outlet. Everything is down and it's so hard to see any goodness anymore. And it's getting to me. Really getting to me. Nothing but hate Everywhere. I'm trying to make the most of it. It's all any of us do really.
I need to talk about work. There is a lot more wrong there than right but I won't delve into boring specifics. I want to talk about Crush. He's in a place of position and with that position it just doesn't matter here in this content. And we've worked together for a number of years now. He's someone I really don't see a lot of but still interact a lot with. We've had our bouts over time. I've never been sure if it's direct provoked-ness or just a battle of two, strong, opinionated people. There always seems to be an underlying edge to it. That's my perception. That there always seemed something a little more underneath. I'm not sure I can explain it.
Fairly recently, Crush snapped at me as I was complaining about something and he told me that all I do is bitch when I see him. I snapped back and said if I saw him on a day to day basis that he might see me differently and once every three weeks doesn't cut it. And that he didn't know me. He insisted he did. And I told him he had no idea who I was. I seethed for the rest of the night, his words repeating in my head. Over and over. Like a mantra. I questioned my outright anger that always seemed channeled towards him. And then I realized it. I had fallen for him. And I had fallen a long time ago but just denied it. That stopped me in my tracks. My carefully built wall to keep everyone out seamlessly fell upon me. All in one realized moment.
As a result, I've tried desperately to correct my behavior. I talked with Sage about it for that next entire weekend. I was so livid. Seething, steaming, boiling hot. Sage tried to calm me down and pointed out a few things. How I was acting wasn't working for me. And I'm sure it wasn't working for Crush either. I had to sit back and reevaluate how I was acting towards him. And in doing so, I realized I really cared for him. Cared very deeply. I was actually surprised by this. I'd been carrying a load of rage around for so long I didn't see what was right in front of me. I've been back through some of my emails I've sent out to him and I'm ashamed. Talk about a sharp tongue. Wow. There were some I probably should have been walked out the door for and I'm not sure how I wasn't.
When your hide your emotions for so long, discovering them again can be very difficult. With my year and a half in veterinary medicine, you learn to compartmentalize your feelings. You absolutely have to. It's actually part of the job. You can have a euthanasia in one room, then have a new puppy in for an exam in the next room, then an angry client in the room after that. You have to remain professional. You really learn to shelve your feelings. I look at is as having a box for each feeling. When you're done with it, you stuff it down into a box and put it back on its shelf. It's a coping mechanism. That's how I look at it. It's like people sometimes look at me like I'm cold and indifferent. I found it easily applicable in manufacturing as well. But most of the emotions there run into the negative side. It's easy to have anger and sarcasm at the forefront. A constant veil of protection.
There was a week not that long ago that I named hell week. A time of corporate restructuring. Crush wasn't working that week. I've been through a number of these over my life and usually they don't bother me in the least. This time though was different. This one was nasty and I heard things I dare not repeat. The more I heard, the more I outright panicked. So many bad things - people just talking smack. And they talked smack about Crush, too. This was the week I had everyone asking of things from me. I had more bosses that week then I cared to count. Everyone was just demanding and nasty. And needed everything now now now. Very stressful. I was to the point of tears most nights. I needed Crush there. I felt safe with him near and with him not there, I felt like I was falling to pieces. Everything felt different. Several times during the week I had sent him text messages trying to find out things that he simply did not know. Though they were all business, each one lobbed back helped me to just breathe. He wasn't there and didn't have to answer me but he did. A small kindness I won't forget.
When he came back I was so relieved. Tears are even welling up in my eyes typing this. He had kinda snuck up on me as I was working and leaned in and bumped me with his arm. Swayed back and did it again. Without looking up, I reached and grasped his arm above the elbow with a finger, another finger, until I had grabbed his inner arm with my hand and gently squeezed while my head leaned in against his outer arm. My eyes closed. This lasted a second or so but felt like an eternity. In this moment, I felt my weakest. I wanted to cry. I wanted to bury my head and sob and I just wanted his arms around me. I felt myself start to shake and that's when I let go and swallowed hard. I allowed my anger to resurface to gain a semblance of control as I started talking shop. And then fear came over me as I wondered what he thought about me grabbing/hugging his arm.
A few times since then, he's had to borrow my computer. The one time, I kept working as I slid over to allow him room. With a lowered, quieter tone, he called me sassy. I enjoyed the way he said that. I liked the fact he was standing so close to me. Tall, dark, and yum. I felt faint but kept working. Not really knowing what to say. I liked him just being there. So.Close.
And the thing is though, LiveJournal, I texted him ten lines of love. Basically this whole post summarized. Maybe not the smartest thing to do but I did. On a whim. I couldn't contain myself any longer. I wanted to whisper it to him but I couldn't. The day before I thought about it and there was a pause in the conversation, my mind was going 100 miles a minute, and I heard a ' you can't tell him that!' loudly in my head. It was so loud, for a second, I thought he heard it, too. Out went the text the next day, right after a visit.
But here's the thing: I like it when he comes over and talks to me. And I get to look in his eyes, so deep, that I could almost fall into them. I like it when he fist bumps me, elbows me, nudges me. I like it any time he touches me. It's innocent, playful, and flirty. I know I want more and I know I won't get it but that doesn't stop the way that I feel. Like when you wake up in the deep dark night with such a longing and your hands reach down until you feel ecstatic bliss, lips slightly parted as his name rolls off them, being whispered over and over again. Yeah. Just.Like.That.
What do I expect to gain from all this? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Sometimes there are circumstances that we have no control over and things or even other people get in the way. Sometimes the fantasy is better than the reality. And sometimes the way you feel so pent-up, you need somewhere to put them, because the pain you feel inside has become so intense you feel like you're going to burst. Sometimes it feels like I have a neon sign over my head announcing the way I feel. That makes things so hard and my heart beats so fast. And which is why I'm writing all this down.
It's the way the world is now though, you just never know what's going to happen. Here today, gone tomorrow. In a blink of an eye. You just don't know. So much hate in the world, and only I want to do is love. Is it so bad telling somebody else you care about them? Or love them? Without expecting anything in return? Sure, I have hope. I have hope that there could be an inkling of something there. But I'm not expecting it to be. As for those ten lines, I never did get a response but I wasn't expecting one. That keeps me wondering but at least it wasn't a 'dear, StarCat' letter or an F off! I've seen Crush a few times since then but I can't judge any reaction. Right now it's hard to look him in the eyes, because I feel vulnerable. I feel naked and raw but bold. Now I can say he knows me now. More so, if I give him the link to fly in here. Back to business as usual.