Under currents...
There's a lot to write but I'm finding things difficult to say. Staring down at blank pages. It's hard to find my voice. I've been trying to find authentic connections. Something deeper, something with meaning. Just reaching out to others. A chosen few. It's always been that way.
Sometimes words can be a gift that can be your saving grace...they can be a lifeline...a lifeline that can save you. A connection you NEED to make, not a want, a need as much as breathing. And if you don't get anything in return, then it's like experiencing a loss or free-falling or a bit like death.
It was a long week of not seeing Crush, though my eyes scanned the floor for him. The building is large with many people and there is an area/entrance where we all pass through during shift changes. Too many people there. It bothers me walking through it for several reasons. A lot of peeps say hey or hi or whatever. I just want to get through and get back to my area. Too many cameras and too many eyes. Crush was in that area twice this week but I didn't dare look at him. Glanced, yes. At that point, I was scared. When you share something of yourself or of your soul unsolicited, sometimes things head south fast. I couldn't bare to see disapproval in his eyes.
Anyway, with another employee's watchful eyes this past Friday, my eyes looked up into Crush's. This time I didn't look away. Be calm, my heart. Breathe. Three seconds maybe and at this point I didn't want to look away. I searched for signs of something as I was explaining a work issue briefly and badly to the other person. My eyes going from this guy and back to Crush. I kept my face even I think. But I was searching his eyes for any emotion. No telltale signs. Fear washed over me like a crashing wave. They walked off and all I did was resume what I was doing and dropped my head down. My eyes did not even follow them down the hallway. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Then the thoughts came, I started to second guess myself. How could have I misjudged this? I swear I saw something there. Still feels like something. An under current. Maybe I'm the only one that sees it and recognizes it. Recognition.
I'm doing a fine job of beating myself up. No one else needs to help me there. I'm starting to feel like an idiot. Always ruled by her heart and not her head. I have no regrets speaking up, though. Life's too short so tell people you care about them before it's too late.
But I guess what really freaks me out right now is that I'm not even sure if I moved him, moved him in any way, if I even touched something. That I touched his mind or his soul or even his heart. Borderline to the sacred. I needed that connection. I need it.
As much anger I've tossed his way, I'm sure Crush doesn't know what to make of me. That much I'm certain. All I've done, I think, is to make things more awkward between us.
There is always more to write. I've struggled to get this far...maybe more later.
Sometimes words can be a gift that can be your saving grace...they can be a lifeline...a lifeline that can save you. A connection you NEED to make, not a want, a need as much as breathing. And if you don't get anything in return, then it's like experiencing a loss or free-falling or a bit like death.
It was a long week of not seeing Crush, though my eyes scanned the floor for him. The building is large with many people and there is an area/entrance where we all pass through during shift changes. Too many people there. It bothers me walking through it for several reasons. A lot of peeps say hey or hi or whatever. I just want to get through and get back to my area. Too many cameras and too many eyes. Crush was in that area twice this week but I didn't dare look at him. Glanced, yes. At that point, I was scared. When you share something of yourself or of your soul unsolicited, sometimes things head south fast. I couldn't bare to see disapproval in his eyes.
Anyway, with another employee's watchful eyes this past Friday, my eyes looked up into Crush's. This time I didn't look away. Be calm, my heart. Breathe. Three seconds maybe and at this point I didn't want to look away. I searched for signs of something as I was explaining a work issue briefly and badly to the other person. My eyes going from this guy and back to Crush. I kept my face even I think. But I was searching his eyes for any emotion. No telltale signs. Fear washed over me like a crashing wave. They walked off and all I did was resume what I was doing and dropped my head down. My eyes did not even follow them down the hallway. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Then the thoughts came, I started to second guess myself. How could have I misjudged this? I swear I saw something there. Still feels like something. An under current. Maybe I'm the only one that sees it and recognizes it. Recognition.
I'm doing a fine job of beating myself up. No one else needs to help me there. I'm starting to feel like an idiot. Always ruled by her heart and not her head. I have no regrets speaking up, though. Life's too short so tell people you care about them before it's too late.
But I guess what really freaks me out right now is that I'm not even sure if I moved him, moved him in any way, if I even touched something. That I touched his mind or his soul or even his heart. Borderline to the sacred. I needed that connection. I need it.
As much anger I've tossed his way, I'm sure Crush doesn't know what to make of me. That much I'm certain. All I've done, I think, is to make things more awkward between us.
There is always more to write. I've struggled to get this far...maybe more later.