ah...life
So a lot has happened since I wrote, but I've avoided writing it down as to not rehash my horrible days...but it's ok now..i guess
I'm all kinds of confused lately...every other day I feel different. I'm dead set on moving...then my friendships and everything gets sooo awesome, I think no maybe I'll stay until December...then everything goes to shit and I'm like no I'll move...then I think well maybe I should take some time off...I've been in school all my life, why jump right into another job?...maybe I'll stay until October...and then things get really worse and I'm like no...I'm leaving the day after I graduate. I guess I should exclude everyone and just make the decision for me. I think I've run my course in Tallahassee. I've loved every moment of it, but if I'm done with school, I shouldn't stay. I wish I hadn't flown through college so fast. I wish I had another year for an excuse to kick back and chill. I just don't think my life will go anywhere so long as I stay here. I need to move on...I think
I've probably had the roughest past 3 weeks I've had in a while...a lot of shit went down. I had to take mom role with my brother being that I'm all the family he has in the States and he needed my help. It's a lot of pressure...and probably one of the hardest things I had to see and deal with. I really felt alone during it all...and felt like everything was falling apart. On top of that, I had a few really good friends break my heart and make me feel like shit...and one totally degrade me and make me feel worthless. I guess things are starting to bounce back, but I don't really feel like things will ever be the same.
I started packing up some of my stuff...I cried. My room as been my home since I've been in Tally...I have a lot of memories here. Also, in my pj drawer, I found a picture that had fallen into there somehow. It was one of those strips of pictures you take in a booth at a carnival? Only it was a picture of Justin and I when we were at the New Jersey Shore. It's that sad strip of 4 pictures that you should never take in a relationship, b/c they capture you in a mood where you guys are completely happy, goofy and in love...so looking back at them...well it's just sad. It made me sad b/c it brought me back to that time. New Jersey was seriously one the happiest times I had all year. Looking back I think about how my friendships were...how justin and I were...and now everything has changed. I mean we are completely different and it didn't work out...and now...well we aren't even friends. It's not that I still have feelings NOW...it's just that it made me remember the feelings I had and how I felt. It feels good to be in love and feel loved. I think that week I felt more loved than I ever had...and that's why I got sad. I think that's why I'm clinging on to Tallahassee too...I want to hold on to the feeling I have...being happy. I know I will in LA too...but it'll take a while and I think I'll always miss Tally and Big Daddy's...and all that.
I've realized why I'm such a pushover...like why I forgive people over and over again even though they shit on me over and over again...well part of it is due to circumstances in my life...but I think it's b/c I hate so desperately feel "ugh"...as soon as I get in a fight b/c someone is mean or whatever...I'm more upset with the fact that our friendship isn't ok...than whatever they did. As soon as someone hurts me I just count down the days waiting for them to apologize so I can be ok with them again. Sometimes I'll go so far as to appraoch them to drop it. Why don't people care about me enough to just not do bad things to me though? Or if they do...to apologize as it happens? By the time they usually come around to brushing it off with some meaningless apology that's way past due...no matter what horrible thing they did...I don't care anymore, so I let it go. They continually fuck up...and I continually forgive. I don't know. I hold grudges for like a couple days...and then i'm over it and then start getting more hurt and more angry that they don't care that i'm hurt or upset...well granted this isn't everyone but the majority of my friends...who are just completley stubborn.
So right now, like I said, I'm all kinds of confused. I'm sad about leaving everyone, even though most aren't sad about me leaving. I'm sad that my friendships are eh. I'm stressed about my thesis. I'm streesed about graduation and moving. I'm stressed about money. I don't know if I can hack it in LA. I'm hurt...and I'm missing the way things use to be and sad b/c I've accepted that they'll never be the same again.
I want people to really care about me...as much as I care about them. for once.
I just want to meet good people, have genuine friends that I can trust and love. I want to meet a man and him be good to me and make me feel special. I wanna do what I love. I just want to be happy. That's all.
I'm all kinds of confused lately...every other day I feel different. I'm dead set on moving...then my friendships and everything gets sooo awesome, I think no maybe I'll stay until December...then everything goes to shit and I'm like no I'll move...then I think well maybe I should take some time off...I've been in school all my life, why jump right into another job?...maybe I'll stay until October...and then things get really worse and I'm like no...I'm leaving the day after I graduate. I guess I should exclude everyone and just make the decision for me. I think I've run my course in Tallahassee. I've loved every moment of it, but if I'm done with school, I shouldn't stay. I wish I hadn't flown through college so fast. I wish I had another year for an excuse to kick back and chill. I just don't think my life will go anywhere so long as I stay here. I need to move on...I think
I've probably had the roughest past 3 weeks I've had in a while...a lot of shit went down. I had to take mom role with my brother being that I'm all the family he has in the States and he needed my help. It's a lot of pressure...and probably one of the hardest things I had to see and deal with. I really felt alone during it all...and felt like everything was falling apart. On top of that, I had a few really good friends break my heart and make me feel like shit...and one totally degrade me and make me feel worthless. I guess things are starting to bounce back, but I don't really feel like things will ever be the same.
I started packing up some of my stuff...I cried. My room as been my home since I've been in Tally...I have a lot of memories here. Also, in my pj drawer, I found a picture that had fallen into there somehow. It was one of those strips of pictures you take in a booth at a carnival? Only it was a picture of Justin and I when we were at the New Jersey Shore. It's that sad strip of 4 pictures that you should never take in a relationship, b/c they capture you in a mood where you guys are completely happy, goofy and in love...so looking back at them...well it's just sad. It made me sad b/c it brought me back to that time. New Jersey was seriously one the happiest times I had all year. Looking back I think about how my friendships were...how justin and I were...and now everything has changed. I mean we are completely different and it didn't work out...and now...well we aren't even friends. It's not that I still have feelings NOW...it's just that it made me remember the feelings I had and how I felt. It feels good to be in love and feel loved. I think that week I felt more loved than I ever had...and that's why I got sad. I think that's why I'm clinging on to Tallahassee too...I want to hold on to the feeling I have...being happy. I know I will in LA too...but it'll take a while and I think I'll always miss Tally and Big Daddy's...and all that.
I've realized why I'm such a pushover...like why I forgive people over and over again even though they shit on me over and over again...well part of it is due to circumstances in my life...but I think it's b/c I hate so desperately feel "ugh"...as soon as I get in a fight b/c someone is mean or whatever...I'm more upset with the fact that our friendship isn't ok...than whatever they did. As soon as someone hurts me I just count down the days waiting for them to apologize so I can be ok with them again. Sometimes I'll go so far as to appraoch them to drop it. Why don't people care about me enough to just not do bad things to me though? Or if they do...to apologize as it happens? By the time they usually come around to brushing it off with some meaningless apology that's way past due...no matter what horrible thing they did...I don't care anymore, so I let it go. They continually fuck up...and I continually forgive. I don't know. I hold grudges for like a couple days...and then i'm over it and then start getting more hurt and more angry that they don't care that i'm hurt or upset...well granted this isn't everyone but the majority of my friends...who are just completley stubborn.
So right now, like I said, I'm all kinds of confused. I'm sad about leaving everyone, even though most aren't sad about me leaving. I'm sad that my friendships are eh. I'm stressed about my thesis. I'm streesed about graduation and moving. I'm stressed about money. I don't know if I can hack it in LA. I'm hurt...and I'm missing the way things use to be and sad b/c I've accepted that they'll never be the same again.
I want people to really care about me...as much as I care about them. for once.
I just want to meet good people, have genuine friends that I can trust and love. I want to meet a man and him be good to me and make me feel special. I wanna do what I love. I just want to be happy. That's all.