coping
i'm trying to deal with a bunch of stuff right now. and i'm still standing, so that's something but i still don't think i'm doing a great job of dealing with this shit.
~right now i'm really sick of the phrase "lucky to be alive". i've heard it way to much recently. don't get me wrong, i'm glad the people being referred to are alive but it'd be nice if it wasn't such a close call. i think i do really well in situations like that. i'm level headed and logical and get things done. but it's an attribute i'd rather just know i have instead of having so many chances to display it.
~i'm getting really frustrated with work. i can't stand my mentor in the lab. he's a condescending jackass. i don't have enough to do and i don't see how what i am doing is relevant to anything. a big part of why i came to rochester was because there were two people i was willing to work for, but one of them isn't taking new people because the lab is having funding issues. so right now i'm really wishing i had gone to syracuse. amazing, RELEVANT research. the one reason i didn't was because there was only one lab i wanted to be in. definitely qualifies as irony.
~i'm absurdly lonely. the two people i know outside of my lab are always busy, and constantly bickering about each other. classes haven't started yet so i know that will help because i'll be around more people but they don't start for a few weeks and it's surprisingly hard to picture making it to orientation with even a shred of sanity.
~jae is out of my life. for good. i put up with so much of his shit and i'm done. but it's hard because i find myself missing him. honestly, i think it's more related to the lack of human contact than actually missing jae, but we'll see.
~i'm learning who i can really count on in life. in a way it's a good thing because i know there are some people who will be there for me no matter what. the problem is the way i'm finding out. instead of being able to see these people step up and help support me through these, i'm seeing their complete and total apathy towards my existence. not the greatest feeling.
~i can't sleep. so i'm always sleepy. and since i'm always sleepy, i can't focus. i have so much shit to do but can't do it. i try reading articles and find myself staring at the first page an hour after i started. i reread the same sentence again with no real memory of doing it the first time. i reread whole papers and don't realize that i've already read it until i see the other three annotated copies i've printed.
so i think i'm going to alfred this weekend. i need to see if i can find a place to stay tomorrow night and if so i'll drive down tomorrow and spend the day reading and studying out side on campus and then i can spend sunday with corey and claire. give claire her birthday presents and maybe take her to the park. i have no idea how things are going to work out, but i hope they do and soon cause i'm kind of "at the end of my rapidly fraying rope."
~right now i'm really sick of the phrase "lucky to be alive". i've heard it way to much recently. don't get me wrong, i'm glad the people being referred to are alive but it'd be nice if it wasn't such a close call. i think i do really well in situations like that. i'm level headed and logical and get things done. but it's an attribute i'd rather just know i have instead of having so many chances to display it.
~i'm getting really frustrated with work. i can't stand my mentor in the lab. he's a condescending jackass. i don't have enough to do and i don't see how what i am doing is relevant to anything. a big part of why i came to rochester was because there were two people i was willing to work for, but one of them isn't taking new people because the lab is having funding issues. so right now i'm really wishing i had gone to syracuse. amazing, RELEVANT research. the one reason i didn't was because there was only one lab i wanted to be in. definitely qualifies as irony.
~i'm absurdly lonely. the two people i know outside of my lab are always busy, and constantly bickering about each other. classes haven't started yet so i know that will help because i'll be around more people but they don't start for a few weeks and it's surprisingly hard to picture making it to orientation with even a shred of sanity.
~jae is out of my life. for good. i put up with so much of his shit and i'm done. but it's hard because i find myself missing him. honestly, i think it's more related to the lack of human contact than actually missing jae, but we'll see.
~i'm learning who i can really count on in life. in a way it's a good thing because i know there are some people who will be there for me no matter what. the problem is the way i'm finding out. instead of being able to see these people step up and help support me through these, i'm seeing their complete and total apathy towards my existence. not the greatest feeling.
~i can't sleep. so i'm always sleepy. and since i'm always sleepy, i can't focus. i have so much shit to do but can't do it. i try reading articles and find myself staring at the first page an hour after i started. i reread the same sentence again with no real memory of doing it the first time. i reread whole papers and don't realize that i've already read it until i see the other three annotated copies i've printed.
so i think i'm going to alfred this weekend. i need to see if i can find a place to stay tomorrow night and if so i'll drive down tomorrow and spend the day reading and studying out side on campus and then i can spend sunday with corey and claire. give claire her birthday presents and maybe take her to the park. i have no idea how things are going to work out, but i hope they do and soon cause i'm kind of "at the end of my rapidly fraying rope."