caller identification [s/a]
Title: caller identification [s/a]
Author: asphyxiatide/marina.
Rating: probably pg-17 ish.
Pairing: alex gaskarth/jack barakat
Summary: jack makes a late night phone call.
Warnings: gratuitous potty mouth, ~gayness, sex noises, things that will make you think dirty things.
Disclaimer: this is as real as the jonas brothers sex tape.
Dedications: my two official gay best friends, alex and scott. this is ~slightly based on a conversation the two of them had via text message. only theirs was much less... well, to put it into perspective they hate each other, so it was much less happy, as if alex is happy about having his beauty sleep disrupted, :D
Author Notes: so this is about 95% dialogue. i tried to have them say each other's names a lot so you guys wouldn't get lost ;D also this is my first jalex sooooo!
Barakitten, Jack. Mobile.
Alex could punch a baby in the face. His phone is ringing violently, buzzing repeatedly on his bedside table. Fuck Jack Barakat. It's two in the fucking morning. Alex (rather reluctantly) picks up his Blackberry and begrudgingly presses the button labeled with an angrily blinking green telephone.
"Hello?"
"Alex!"
"Christ, Jack. It's two AM. What the fuck on God's green earth compelled you to call me at this time of the morning?"
"I missed you."
"If you're about to ask me what I'm wearing, just hang up now."
"What are you wearing?"
"Fuck you."
"You can if you want."
"Look, Jack Bassam Barakat. You're interrupting my precious beauty sleep. Get to the point."
"I was getting to the point, Alexander William Gaskarth. You're so hasty."
"Jack, get your mind out of the gutter and your hand out of your pants."
"I'm not wearing pants."
"Fine, fair enough. I'm wearing short-shorts and your blink-182 shirt that you left at my house like three weeks ago."
"Hmm, kinky."
"What?"
"How you're wearing my shirt."
"I don't even understand how that's kinky, Jack. You're fucking sick."
"But if you jacked off wearing that shirt maybe-"
"Ew, Jack."
"Actually do you think you could do that for me? And maybe not wash it before you return it? I think that'd be fabulous."
"Ew, Jack. Just. That's so gross."
"But you love me right? And we're besties. And besties do each other favors."
"Not sexual favors, dumbfuck."
"What's with you and the potty mouth tonight, Alex?"
"You called me at two in the morning and you want me to jack off wearing your blink-182 shirt. I'm kinda pissed, to be honest."
"Well let me give you a visual. I'm wearing the pink briefs you left at my house last week and I have a raging hard on."
"What the fuck, Jack?"
"Well, I'm horny."
"No, I mean you're wearing my underwear!"
"Your fault. You left them here."
"No way. I fucking put those in my backpack after I showered. You totally fucking stole those, you little bastard!"
"Okay, I totally stole them."
"Ew, you sick fuck. I didn't even get a chance to wash those and you stole them. Dude, I hate your fucking guts, you queer."
"S'not like you're a straight-ass ruler, douchebag."
"Okay, whatever. You're still a bastard."
"Fair argument."
"Ugh, Jack."
"Would you just humor me and moan a few times so I can get off?"
"No."
"Why?"
"You stole my underwear."
"Don't hold it against me, please?"
"Why shouldn't I?"
"I'll bring them back to you tomorrow."
"Yeah, at school? 'Oh, hi Alex, sorry about the cum stains, here's your underwear back.' Fucking. Brilliant idea."
"Well, I can put them in a bag or something."
"No shit, Sherlock. Look, jack off in them if you want, but you better fucking wash them before you give them back."
"So you want them back?"
"...Actually, on second thought, I don't."
"Thanks for the new undies, Gaskarth."
"You're welcome, I guess."
"Can we have phone sex now?"
"Ugh. Fine. Whatever. But I'm not going to get off thinking about you."
"Whatevs, have your little Oli Sykes fantasy-"
"I was NOT going to think of Oli Sykes!"
"Then it was..."
"I was going to-"
"Wait no lemme guess."
"Ugh. Fine."
"Hmm... Dave Schmitt. Breathe Carolina."
"Nope."
"Is it any member of Bring Me The Horizon?"
"No."
"Is he British?"
"No."
"Brendon Urie? Gabe Saporta? Is he on Fueled by Ramen?"
"No, no, and no."
"I give up."
"Jeremy DePoyster."
"Who the fuck is that?"
"He sings and plays guitar in The Devil Wears Prada. Did you lose your boner yet?"
"Nope."
"Fuck my life. Ugh."
"Alright. Can you just jack off now?"
"Ugh. Fine. Okay. I'm doing it now."
"I don't believe you."
"Why not?"
"You're not moaning."
"I'm not a moaner. What do you want me to say, Jack? I suck at this."
"Tell me what you wanna do to me."
"Uh... I'd quite like to punch you in the face."
"That's hot."
"No it's fucking not. Uhhh."
"Ahah! You moaned-uhhhh."
"Mmm, so did you, ahhh."
"You lied, ohhh, about being a moooaannner."
"Oooh-nly a little. Mmm, Jack."
"You're not thinking, ohh, about Jeremy De-whateverthefuck anymooore, huh?"
"Noo."
"Uh, Alex."
"Mmm, Jack."
"Mmm."
"Uhh woah."
"Ohh, Alex."
"Jack."
"Alexxx."
"Jack, stop."
"Aleeexxxxxx."
"Jack, I'm done."
"Ohh, Aleeexxxxxx."
"Jack."
"Uhhhhhnngg."
"That was a very strange noise."
"Mmmmm."
"I'm never doing this with you again."
"Alex!"
"You're fucking loud."
"Ah. Ah. Ah."
"Are you recording this or something?"
"Mmmm. Yeahhh. Alex."
"Wow are you done yet?"
"I am now. Huh. Woah."
"Well. Goodnight then, I guess."
"Wait, no."
"Jack, I always fall asleep right after I-"
"Can we do this in real life?"
"..."
"Alex?"
"Yeah. Whatever."
"Woah. Seriously?"
"Yeah. I'll fuck you if you stop calling me at 2 in the morning."
"Oh, when?"
"I don't fucking care. I'll do it at school tomorrow if you'll shut the fuck up and let me sleep."
"Gladly."
"Goodnight, Jack."
"Night Alex. Can't wait to fuck your little virgin ass."
"You wish it was virgin."
"Wait, what?"
"Goodnight."
Alex hangs up and puts his phone back on the table, snuggling down into his blankets. Alex can perfectly picture Jack, eyebrows arched up in incredulity with Alex's underwear around his knees. Poor bastard. Too gullible for his own good.
Author: asphyxiatide/marina.
Rating: probably pg-17 ish.
Pairing: alex gaskarth/jack barakat
Summary: jack makes a late night phone call.
Warnings: gratuitous potty mouth, ~gayness, sex noises, things that will make you think dirty things.
Disclaimer: this is as real as the jonas brothers sex tape.
Dedications: my two official gay best friends, alex and scott. this is ~slightly based on a conversation the two of them had via text message. only theirs was much less... well, to put it into perspective they hate each other, so it was much less happy, as if alex is happy about having his beauty sleep disrupted, :D
Author Notes: so this is about 95% dialogue. i tried to have them say each other's names a lot so you guys wouldn't get lost ;D also this is my first jalex sooooo!
Barakitten, Jack. Mobile.
Alex could punch a baby in the face. His phone is ringing violently, buzzing repeatedly on his bedside table. Fuck Jack Barakat. It's two in the fucking morning. Alex (rather reluctantly) picks up his Blackberry and begrudgingly presses the button labeled with an angrily blinking green telephone.
"Hello?"
"Alex!"
"Christ, Jack. It's two AM. What the fuck on God's green earth compelled you to call me at this time of the morning?"
"I missed you."
"If you're about to ask me what I'm wearing, just hang up now."
"What are you wearing?"
"Fuck you."
"You can if you want."
"Look, Jack Bassam Barakat. You're interrupting my precious beauty sleep. Get to the point."
"I was getting to the point, Alexander William Gaskarth. You're so hasty."
"Jack, get your mind out of the gutter and your hand out of your pants."
"I'm not wearing pants."
"Fine, fair enough. I'm wearing short-shorts and your blink-182 shirt that you left at my house like three weeks ago."
"Hmm, kinky."
"What?"
"How you're wearing my shirt."
"I don't even understand how that's kinky, Jack. You're fucking sick."
"But if you jacked off wearing that shirt maybe-"
"Ew, Jack."
"Actually do you think you could do that for me? And maybe not wash it before you return it? I think that'd be fabulous."
"Ew, Jack. Just. That's so gross."
"But you love me right? And we're besties. And besties do each other favors."
"Not sexual favors, dumbfuck."
"What's with you and the potty mouth tonight, Alex?"
"You called me at two in the morning and you want me to jack off wearing your blink-182 shirt. I'm kinda pissed, to be honest."
"Well let me give you a visual. I'm wearing the pink briefs you left at my house last week and I have a raging hard on."
"What the fuck, Jack?"
"Well, I'm horny."
"No, I mean you're wearing my underwear!"
"Your fault. You left them here."
"No way. I fucking put those in my backpack after I showered. You totally fucking stole those, you little bastard!"
"Okay, I totally stole them."
"Ew, you sick fuck. I didn't even get a chance to wash those and you stole them. Dude, I hate your fucking guts, you queer."
"S'not like you're a straight-ass ruler, douchebag."
"Okay, whatever. You're still a bastard."
"Fair argument."
"Ugh, Jack."
"Would you just humor me and moan a few times so I can get off?"
"No."
"Why?"
"You stole my underwear."
"Don't hold it against me, please?"
"Why shouldn't I?"
"I'll bring them back to you tomorrow."
"Yeah, at school? 'Oh, hi Alex, sorry about the cum stains, here's your underwear back.' Fucking. Brilliant idea."
"Well, I can put them in a bag or something."
"No shit, Sherlock. Look, jack off in them if you want, but you better fucking wash them before you give them back."
"So you want them back?"
"...Actually, on second thought, I don't."
"Thanks for the new undies, Gaskarth."
"You're welcome, I guess."
"Can we have phone sex now?"
"Ugh. Fine. Whatever. But I'm not going to get off thinking about you."
"Whatevs, have your little Oli Sykes fantasy-"
"I was NOT going to think of Oli Sykes!"
"Then it was..."
"I was going to-"
"Wait no lemme guess."
"Ugh. Fine."
"Hmm... Dave Schmitt. Breathe Carolina."
"Nope."
"Is it any member of Bring Me The Horizon?"
"No."
"Is he British?"
"No."
"Brendon Urie? Gabe Saporta? Is he on Fueled by Ramen?"
"No, no, and no."
"I give up."
"Jeremy DePoyster."
"Who the fuck is that?"
"He sings and plays guitar in The Devil Wears Prada. Did you lose your boner yet?"
"Nope."
"Fuck my life. Ugh."
"Alright. Can you just jack off now?"
"Ugh. Fine. Okay. I'm doing it now."
"I don't believe you."
"Why not?"
"You're not moaning."
"I'm not a moaner. What do you want me to say, Jack? I suck at this."
"Tell me what you wanna do to me."
"Uh... I'd quite like to punch you in the face."
"That's hot."
"No it's fucking not. Uhhh."
"Ahah! You moaned-uhhhh."
"Mmm, so did you, ahhh."
"You lied, ohhh, about being a moooaannner."
"Oooh-nly a little. Mmm, Jack."
"You're not thinking, ohh, about Jeremy De-whateverthefuck anymooore, huh?"
"Noo."
"Uh, Alex."
"Mmm, Jack."
"Mmm."
"Uhh woah."
"Ohh, Alex."
"Jack."
"Alexxx."
"Jack, stop."
"Aleeexxxxxx."
"Jack, I'm done."
"Ohh, Aleeexxxxxx."
"Jack."
"Uhhhhhnngg."
"That was a very strange noise."
"Mmmmm."
"I'm never doing this with you again."
"Alex!"
"You're fucking loud."
"Ah. Ah. Ah."
"Are you recording this or something?"
"Mmmm. Yeahhh. Alex."
"Wow are you done yet?"
"I am now. Huh. Woah."
"Well. Goodnight then, I guess."
"Wait, no."
"Jack, I always fall asleep right after I-"
"Can we do this in real life?"
"..."
"Alex?"
"Yeah. Whatever."
"Woah. Seriously?"
"Yeah. I'll fuck you if you stop calling me at 2 in the morning."
"Oh, when?"
"I don't fucking care. I'll do it at school tomorrow if you'll shut the fuck up and let me sleep."
"Gladly."
"Goodnight, Jack."
"Night Alex. Can't wait to fuck your little virgin ass."
"You wish it was virgin."
"Wait, what?"
"Goodnight."
Alex hangs up and puts his phone back on the table, snuggling down into his blankets. Alex can perfectly picture Jack, eyebrows arched up in incredulity with Alex's underwear around his knees. Poor bastard. Too gullible for his own good.