(no subject)
Its funny this is the life I always wanted technologically. Typing in my journal on my brand new phone listening to my iPod while its almost two in the morning and I'm fucked up off my meds. I am kind of starting to like who I am as a person. I'm making a lot of changes. Telling people exactly I i feel about them. I have this stupid semi crush on my one friend and I'm not entirely sure while all of a sudden I'm daydreaming about women again. I i miss Jesse hella bad coz I love that boy with all my heart. I smoke too much I i bust my ass at work and my whole body always aches. But I don't sleep like I used to and I'm more productive. Its strange. I i have to ruin everything I had to get everything I ever wanted? I'm grateful man. Is everything perfect? Fuck no. After drama at home last I i wonder if I'll be homeless. But I'll be ok. I feel like painting again. I see beauty in every piece of my crappy existence. I love the squallor of the city. How its so desperate and begging for instant gratification. And I love to come home to my hill of serenity and drama at the same time and lie in my bed. The only place I feel truly safe is here with these girls right now. Work too. I know these people will fight for me. I don't know what that's like. I don't miss a lot of my old friends. They obviously don't really miss me. We've all moved on and that's ok. It'll never be the same but this feels real today. This happiness. This hope. It feels like nirvana. Its beautiful. After so much pain and so much ugliness. Its well worth the wait. Coz i feel strong. Just try to stop me.