Chance
Um... I don't know where to begin. In a way, there's nothing to begin, but rather something to resume. A life to go back to. Shanna is back.
She sent me an email. It wasn't even to me, I was just one in a long list of recipients, and it wasn't even a personal message. She took part in the Race for Life for Cancer Research UK, and wanted people to sponsor her for it. I was at work and looking at my email client when it arrived, so I read it right away. Within a few minutes, I'd contributed £10. I don't have a good explanation, really; I knew that her contacting me didn't mean anything, but I felt like I wanted it to. There was certainly no harm in donating a bit to a charity, especially since it obviously meant enough to her to take part in it, and it kind of... reminded me that she was real. I'd been dreaming of her. I was annoyed by it, mostly, because it was frustrating. They weren't really nice dreams - she'd tease me. The first time, she and him were just around, obviously trying to ensure I saw them together everywhere. Then there was a set where she'd appear alone, and do something nice for me, make me feel love for her again and then make sure I knew I couldn't have it. Again and again, night after night. I told Adele about them, and how I was feeling about her. It didn't matter, because we'd never be back together. We'd not had any contact at all since I deleted her last comments from the post-betrayal-series entry she commented on, but now this, and me recently coming across her on Facebook, made her existence somehow more obvious.
When I initially received the email, it made me curious about her. Her Facebook profile was obviously not visible to me, but I could still read her LiveJournal, so I went to see if there had been any update. There had, and it wasn't something I wanted to see. It was this entry, but very slightly different: it had a couple of extra sentences, proclaiming that I could now go and 'ruin whoever's life I wanted to' because she 'didn't care any more', and that all that mattered was that her 'future children' would now be safe from me. This was before I added my donation, but I decided to go ahead with it anyway. Let her write what she wanted, I didn't have any respect for her opinions of me any more anyway. However, when I happened to check later, I noticed that the entry had changed in some way. On closer inspection, she'd just removed those few offensive sentences and left the rest. Curious behaviour, I thought, so I replied to the 'thank you' she'd sent me and told her so. We got talking. Not nicely, at first. I made a comment about her irrational fear of me somehow being a threat to her children, and she attempted to justify her editing of the entry. Adele told me I should've left it, and as it began to appear more like an argument, I wished I had. Until it changed. She'd asked me why, if I didn't want contact with her any more, did I read her journal? I answered:
"I read your journal on that particular occasion because I became curious when I received your email. I read it in general, because it hurts me, because of how utterly stupid your leaving was. Every last thing I promised you would happen, has happened, but you didn't stick around to see it. I search for you because I keep feeling love for you, and I need remind myself why I hate you, to keep the pain fresh. My life has no value any more, and I like to remind myself why. Hope that answers your question."
She answers:
"In a way I am glad... I still love you. I've never stopped, even when I said I did. I still want to be with you more than anything. But I can't be, and will never be able to be. [cut]. I'm sorry, but I will never be able to stop loving you. I see you everywhere I go, I wasn't terrified I was going to see you.... I was terrified I wouldn't be able to stop myself from running into your arms."
Wait, what? She wants to be with me, but will never be able to? But she's the one who left! I didn't know what to make of it. A game? She's playing with me, like in my dreams?
"Don't play with me Shanna. Be very careful what you are saying, because I'm not sure you know what you mean or mean what you say any more. If you had run into my arms, I would have carried you away and kept you forever. You think I feel differently? What we had was the most beautiful thing I have ever known. I dream of you all the time, but in my dreams you tease me. You come to me, are good to me, and then walk away, telling me I can never have what I want. I am not happy. [cut]. Your fears were and still are stupid. There's nothing behind them, but you never listened to me, you never wanted to hear what I had to say. You'd made up your mind. I hate what you've done, and I hate you for being capable of it. Now I don't know what you feel any more, what you have done, what you are doing, or why you are telling me this. Don't tell me you want something that you can't have when you are the one who is stopping it. Don't tell me we feel the same but that nothing will ever come of it. Don't make this worse."
She wasn't playing. She can explain her story when and if she feels like it, but we agreed it was all wrong. None of this should ever have happened. Neither of us felt like we had when we were together, and we both knew we wanted each other.
The problem is, all of this did happen. Us getting back together is the easy bit - we can sort it all out, make it work, just like before... but we can't undo all that's been done. She left me, betrayed me. She gave her life to someone else, and I... I tried to do the same. I promised somebody else that I would stay with them, that we would be a family, and now I am breaking that promise. I can argue that I should honour my original commitment to Shanna above others, but in reality, there is nothing I can do or say to justify what I am doing. I'm doing it because it's going to make me happy. It's selfish, nothing more.
I haven't been happy for a while now. The things I loved in Adele in those first great weeks are still there, and I still love them... but I came to hate my life. We argued. If we went a couple of days without fighting over something, it was a miracle, and they usually got intense. Our differences got more and more apparent, and although we still agreed that we were working for the same thing, I began to doubt we'd ever get there. She enforced a policy of never sleeping on arguments, and when say 'enforced', I mean it literally. I became afraid of doing too much in the evenings, because if any little thing went wrong and we ended up arguing, I could forget getting any sleep that night. Any hope of a routine fell to pieces, the house became full of mess and tensions, and I felt that every last thing I had ever loved in my life before was now gone. She had given me everything I ever wanted, but not how I wanted it. We had a family. She was loyal and honest, she'd stay with me forever and work through ever problem we ever faced. But... her reasons for staying with me weren't the right ones. I was nothing special to her, I was a safe and convinient place to settle. We had many moments of happiness together, but overall neither of us were happy at all. And she challenged me, and won. I don't know quite who I am any more. She made me question things I'd never had to think about before, and I predicted what my responses would be, and I was wrong. I acted in ways I never thought I would. I got angry, very angry. I'm no longer certain that I know myself like I used to - I have a backlog of six months of my own behaviour to analyze and assess, and to draw new conclusions about my morality from.
It became that Willow was almost the only thing making me want to stay. He's really the most wonderful little boy, and I love him very much. Every time Adele and I were arguing, on the edge of finally breaking up, he'd come and hug me or something, and I couldn't leave him. I would be making it worse though, to leave it longer. If I was sure I could stay forever, then it was fine, but if I couldn't commit to that, I shouldn't drag it out any longer, shouldn't get more attached to him or him to me.
Then there's 'Alpen'. He's a moral dilemma, not an emotional one at the moment. It sounds horrible to treat it that way, but I don't know him yet. I've never met him, I haven't had the chance to grow to love him like I have Willow. Had it worked out that we lasted together, I would have loved them both completely... but as it is, he's a concept, an idea of what could be, not a physical presence. But to leave a child... is a violation of something deep within me. I can't think of much more wrong than what I am doing... but I am doing it. It was Adele's mistake that caused her to fall pregnant, but I can't for a moment put all responsibility on her. We talked about it together, and we agreed together that we would keep it, and try and make it work. I promised I'd stand by her and that we'd be a family. I told her it was right that we should stay together forever, whether we were happy or not, for the children's sake. I told her that, because that was what I believed at the time, and it was not little - I felt passionately on the subject. Now I'm leaving.
Adele keeps comparing me to an episode of Trisha or Eastenders, which although the comparison of our characters is obviously ridiculous, the similarity in plotline is sickeningly apparent. I don't think like these people, I am sure of that. I don't think this is okay, it's not okay for a moment... I'm just still going through with it. Where does that leave me? If something I feel so strongly about can change... who am I?
The transition itself is not going smoothly, either. The entire conversation with Shanna and resulting decision took place in less than twenty-four hours. I meant to go home from work that day and talk to Adele, but she happened to ask me something online that I couldn't answer without either telling her or lying, so I told her whilst I was at work. She reacted by asking me not to come back to the house. I could have argued then, told her it wasn't final, offered to talk about it, but I didn't, I let it happen. I called Mum and told her what had happened, and asked to stay at their house for the night. She took me over to the house to pick up a few of my things, then back to theirs. I went to work from my parents' house the next day, and by the time I returned home again, Adele had gone to stay with a friend. Graham and Rachel had been away in Cambridge for a few days, and they returned that night, so I told them what had happened too.
Before I went to work, I went to the bank to get a loan. Adele and I had discussed breaking up several times before, and I had said that I would get a loan to pay off all of my debt, and give the rest of the money to her to find a place to live. Moving in with me, she gave up the house she had before and the benefits that had enabled her to keep it, and so I promised to help her get back to the state she was in before, should we separate. I got £3,500 from the bank, almost £2,500 of which went straight onto paying back my overdraft and credit card, and I gave £1,000 to Adele. I'm left a couple of hundred pounds in credit, but as a condition of the loan my overdraft and credit card have not only been cleared but also taken away from me - the money I have is the only money available to me. I won't be able to request any other forms of credit for one year.
Anyway, the purpose of the loan was supposed to be to help her put down a deposit and/or first month's rent on a new property. She'd always hated living in Poole, and said almost every time we talked about it that she intended to find somewhere nicer elsewhere. I expected her to be staying here whilst she looked at other properties, but it now seems she's considering keeping this house for herself. She couldn't possibly afford it by herself, and Graham and I won't stay if she does, but she apparently plans on moving somebody else in with her. I certainly can't afford to move again right away, and I don't think Graham can either, so we'd probably end up having to live back with our parents for a month or two until we could raise enough capital to move into somewhere else. Why she wants to do this, I really don't know. The only thing I can think of is convenience - it would be easier to just stay put than to have to hunt for another house.
Personally, I just don't care now. I know that I do have my parents' house to fall back on temporarily if I need it, and I know it wouldn't be long before I could afford somewhere else. It would be annoying to have to move again so soon, but we could probably find somewhere just as good, and for similar rent. I just need to find somewhere before Shanna is ready to return in September.
What's upset me, is that Adele wants to continue living here completely free. Of course I was supporting her before, but I thought we had agreed that the money I was giving her was to pay for her costs of getting settled by herself again. What she wants, however, is to come and live here again and have us pay for the rent, bills, all her food and other requirements, and keep my money. I just can't afford that. I gave her as much money as I could afford to give, leaving enough for me to live and spend the small amount that I know I spend when I am living alone. She won't confirm exactly what she is going to do (if she even knows herself), but the six-month tenancy doesn't expire until sometime in August, so until then we are all bound to this house by that contract. What particularly annoys me is the way she likes to cast these things; by not providing all her food and other daily items, I am a horrible person who would let the mother of his child starve to death, despite the fact that I have given her £1,000 to pay for the things she needs. I said she could have the room, but said that nobody but her may have my bed - and suddenly this translates into me forcing her to sleep on the floor. I told her that the £50 a month she spends on the phone is too much if she's not going to contribute anything to paying the bill, and then I'm apparently denying her access to communication, including internet, though I said nothing of the sort. The way she twists everything I say is ridiculous, and I don't have the patience to deal with it. It's just like Shanna was being when she was leaving - it's very obviously different treatment because we're not 'friendly' and more, but Adele insists that her behaviour never changes and she's completely consistent all of the time. That claim is laughable.
So I have no real idea of what's happening over the next few weeks, only that I may be having to move again. I don't know if I want to stay here whilst Adele is, but I don't know if I can leave her here; she says she's going to have friends round all the time, which I can't stop her from doing, and I don't know if my things are safe from her and all these strangers. I also have a lot of money tied up in the deposit on this house, which I would lose if she failed to look after the place and caused mess and damage, which I've no doubt at all that she would. Graham has similar fears, and of course, Rachel is still staying and we can't abandon her. I also had my sister wanting to move into the spare room, which I told her she could, and have now had to cancel. Adele staying here seems to me like the worst option available; she hates it here, would probably dump it after another six months anyway, and would have to re-raise the deposit and start an entirely new contract with the letting agency without me and Graham on the contract. I don't understand it at all... but we'll deal with whatever happens, somehow.
She sent me an email. It wasn't even to me, I was just one in a long list of recipients, and it wasn't even a personal message. She took part in the Race for Life for Cancer Research UK, and wanted people to sponsor her for it. I was at work and looking at my email client when it arrived, so I read it right away. Within a few minutes, I'd contributed £10. I don't have a good explanation, really; I knew that her contacting me didn't mean anything, but I felt like I wanted it to. There was certainly no harm in donating a bit to a charity, especially since it obviously meant enough to her to take part in it, and it kind of... reminded me that she was real. I'd been dreaming of her. I was annoyed by it, mostly, because it was frustrating. They weren't really nice dreams - she'd tease me. The first time, she and him were just around, obviously trying to ensure I saw them together everywhere. Then there was a set where she'd appear alone, and do something nice for me, make me feel love for her again and then make sure I knew I couldn't have it. Again and again, night after night. I told Adele about them, and how I was feeling about her. It didn't matter, because we'd never be back together. We'd not had any contact at all since I deleted her last comments from the post-betrayal-series entry she commented on, but now this, and me recently coming across her on Facebook, made her existence somehow more obvious.
When I initially received the email, it made me curious about her. Her Facebook profile was obviously not visible to me, but I could still read her LiveJournal, so I went to see if there had been any update. There had, and it wasn't something I wanted to see. It was this entry, but very slightly different: it had a couple of extra sentences, proclaiming that I could now go and 'ruin whoever's life I wanted to' because she 'didn't care any more', and that all that mattered was that her 'future children' would now be safe from me. This was before I added my donation, but I decided to go ahead with it anyway. Let her write what she wanted, I didn't have any respect for her opinions of me any more anyway. However, when I happened to check later, I noticed that the entry had changed in some way. On closer inspection, she'd just removed those few offensive sentences and left the rest. Curious behaviour, I thought, so I replied to the 'thank you' she'd sent me and told her so. We got talking. Not nicely, at first. I made a comment about her irrational fear of me somehow being a threat to her children, and she attempted to justify her editing of the entry. Adele told me I should've left it, and as it began to appear more like an argument, I wished I had. Until it changed. She'd asked me why, if I didn't want contact with her any more, did I read her journal? I answered:
"I read your journal on that particular occasion because I became curious when I received your email. I read it in general, because it hurts me, because of how utterly stupid your leaving was. Every last thing I promised you would happen, has happened, but you didn't stick around to see it. I search for you because I keep feeling love for you, and I need remind myself why I hate you, to keep the pain fresh. My life has no value any more, and I like to remind myself why. Hope that answers your question."
She answers:
"In a way I am glad... I still love you. I've never stopped, even when I said I did. I still want to be with you more than anything. But I can't be, and will never be able to be. [cut]. I'm sorry, but I will never be able to stop loving you. I see you everywhere I go, I wasn't terrified I was going to see you.... I was terrified I wouldn't be able to stop myself from running into your arms."
Wait, what? She wants to be with me, but will never be able to? But she's the one who left! I didn't know what to make of it. A game? She's playing with me, like in my dreams?
"Don't play with me Shanna. Be very careful what you are saying, because I'm not sure you know what you mean or mean what you say any more. If you had run into my arms, I would have carried you away and kept you forever. You think I feel differently? What we had was the most beautiful thing I have ever known. I dream of you all the time, but in my dreams you tease me. You come to me, are good to me, and then walk away, telling me I can never have what I want. I am not happy. [cut]. Your fears were and still are stupid. There's nothing behind them, but you never listened to me, you never wanted to hear what I had to say. You'd made up your mind. I hate what you've done, and I hate you for being capable of it. Now I don't know what you feel any more, what you have done, what you are doing, or why you are telling me this. Don't tell me you want something that you can't have when you are the one who is stopping it. Don't tell me we feel the same but that nothing will ever come of it. Don't make this worse."
She wasn't playing. She can explain her story when and if she feels like it, but we agreed it was all wrong. None of this should ever have happened. Neither of us felt like we had when we were together, and we both knew we wanted each other.
The problem is, all of this did happen. Us getting back together is the easy bit - we can sort it all out, make it work, just like before... but we can't undo all that's been done. She left me, betrayed me. She gave her life to someone else, and I... I tried to do the same. I promised somebody else that I would stay with them, that we would be a family, and now I am breaking that promise. I can argue that I should honour my original commitment to Shanna above others, but in reality, there is nothing I can do or say to justify what I am doing. I'm doing it because it's going to make me happy. It's selfish, nothing more.
I haven't been happy for a while now. The things I loved in Adele in those first great weeks are still there, and I still love them... but I came to hate my life. We argued. If we went a couple of days without fighting over something, it was a miracle, and they usually got intense. Our differences got more and more apparent, and although we still agreed that we were working for the same thing, I began to doubt we'd ever get there. She enforced a policy of never sleeping on arguments, and when say 'enforced', I mean it literally. I became afraid of doing too much in the evenings, because if any little thing went wrong and we ended up arguing, I could forget getting any sleep that night. Any hope of a routine fell to pieces, the house became full of mess and tensions, and I felt that every last thing I had ever loved in my life before was now gone. She had given me everything I ever wanted, but not how I wanted it. We had a family. She was loyal and honest, she'd stay with me forever and work through ever problem we ever faced. But... her reasons for staying with me weren't the right ones. I was nothing special to her, I was a safe and convinient place to settle. We had many moments of happiness together, but overall neither of us were happy at all. And she challenged me, and won. I don't know quite who I am any more. She made me question things I'd never had to think about before, and I predicted what my responses would be, and I was wrong. I acted in ways I never thought I would. I got angry, very angry. I'm no longer certain that I know myself like I used to - I have a backlog of six months of my own behaviour to analyze and assess, and to draw new conclusions about my morality from.
It became that Willow was almost the only thing making me want to stay. He's really the most wonderful little boy, and I love him very much. Every time Adele and I were arguing, on the edge of finally breaking up, he'd come and hug me or something, and I couldn't leave him. I would be making it worse though, to leave it longer. If I was sure I could stay forever, then it was fine, but if I couldn't commit to that, I shouldn't drag it out any longer, shouldn't get more attached to him or him to me.
Then there's 'Alpen'. He's a moral dilemma, not an emotional one at the moment. It sounds horrible to treat it that way, but I don't know him yet. I've never met him, I haven't had the chance to grow to love him like I have Willow. Had it worked out that we lasted together, I would have loved them both completely... but as it is, he's a concept, an idea of what could be, not a physical presence. But to leave a child... is a violation of something deep within me. I can't think of much more wrong than what I am doing... but I am doing it. It was Adele's mistake that caused her to fall pregnant, but I can't for a moment put all responsibility on her. We talked about it together, and we agreed together that we would keep it, and try and make it work. I promised I'd stand by her and that we'd be a family. I told her it was right that we should stay together forever, whether we were happy or not, for the children's sake. I told her that, because that was what I believed at the time, and it was not little - I felt passionately on the subject. Now I'm leaving.
Adele keeps comparing me to an episode of Trisha or Eastenders, which although the comparison of our characters is obviously ridiculous, the similarity in plotline is sickeningly apparent. I don't think like these people, I am sure of that. I don't think this is okay, it's not okay for a moment... I'm just still going through with it. Where does that leave me? If something I feel so strongly about can change... who am I?
The transition itself is not going smoothly, either. The entire conversation with Shanna and resulting decision took place in less than twenty-four hours. I meant to go home from work that day and talk to Adele, but she happened to ask me something online that I couldn't answer without either telling her or lying, so I told her whilst I was at work. She reacted by asking me not to come back to the house. I could have argued then, told her it wasn't final, offered to talk about it, but I didn't, I let it happen. I called Mum and told her what had happened, and asked to stay at their house for the night. She took me over to the house to pick up a few of my things, then back to theirs. I went to work from my parents' house the next day, and by the time I returned home again, Adele had gone to stay with a friend. Graham and Rachel had been away in Cambridge for a few days, and they returned that night, so I told them what had happened too.
Before I went to work, I went to the bank to get a loan. Adele and I had discussed breaking up several times before, and I had said that I would get a loan to pay off all of my debt, and give the rest of the money to her to find a place to live. Moving in with me, she gave up the house she had before and the benefits that had enabled her to keep it, and so I promised to help her get back to the state she was in before, should we separate. I got £3,500 from the bank, almost £2,500 of which went straight onto paying back my overdraft and credit card, and I gave £1,000 to Adele. I'm left a couple of hundred pounds in credit, but as a condition of the loan my overdraft and credit card have not only been cleared but also taken away from me - the money I have is the only money available to me. I won't be able to request any other forms of credit for one year.
Anyway, the purpose of the loan was supposed to be to help her put down a deposit and/or first month's rent on a new property. She'd always hated living in Poole, and said almost every time we talked about it that she intended to find somewhere nicer elsewhere. I expected her to be staying here whilst she looked at other properties, but it now seems she's considering keeping this house for herself. She couldn't possibly afford it by herself, and Graham and I won't stay if she does, but she apparently plans on moving somebody else in with her. I certainly can't afford to move again right away, and I don't think Graham can either, so we'd probably end up having to live back with our parents for a month or two until we could raise enough capital to move into somewhere else. Why she wants to do this, I really don't know. The only thing I can think of is convenience - it would be easier to just stay put than to have to hunt for another house.
Personally, I just don't care now. I know that I do have my parents' house to fall back on temporarily if I need it, and I know it wouldn't be long before I could afford somewhere else. It would be annoying to have to move again so soon, but we could probably find somewhere just as good, and for similar rent. I just need to find somewhere before Shanna is ready to return in September.
What's upset me, is that Adele wants to continue living here completely free. Of course I was supporting her before, but I thought we had agreed that the money I was giving her was to pay for her costs of getting settled by herself again. What she wants, however, is to come and live here again and have us pay for the rent, bills, all her food and other requirements, and keep my money. I just can't afford that. I gave her as much money as I could afford to give, leaving enough for me to live and spend the small amount that I know I spend when I am living alone. She won't confirm exactly what she is going to do (if she even knows herself), but the six-month tenancy doesn't expire until sometime in August, so until then we are all bound to this house by that contract. What particularly annoys me is the way she likes to cast these things; by not providing all her food and other daily items, I am a horrible person who would let the mother of his child starve to death, despite the fact that I have given her £1,000 to pay for the things she needs. I said she could have the room, but said that nobody but her may have my bed - and suddenly this translates into me forcing her to sleep on the floor. I told her that the £50 a month she spends on the phone is too much if she's not going to contribute anything to paying the bill, and then I'm apparently denying her access to communication, including internet, though I said nothing of the sort. The way she twists everything I say is ridiculous, and I don't have the patience to deal with it. It's just like Shanna was being when she was leaving - it's very obviously different treatment because we're not 'friendly' and more, but Adele insists that her behaviour never changes and she's completely consistent all of the time. That claim is laughable.
So I have no real idea of what's happening over the next few weeks, only that I may be having to move again. I don't know if I want to stay here whilst Adele is, but I don't know if I can leave her here; she says she's going to have friends round all the time, which I can't stop her from doing, and I don't know if my things are safe from her and all these strangers. I also have a lot of money tied up in the deposit on this house, which I would lose if she failed to look after the place and caused mess and damage, which I've no doubt at all that she would. Graham has similar fears, and of course, Rachel is still staying and we can't abandon her. I also had my sister wanting to move into the spare room, which I told her she could, and have now had to cancel. Adele staying here seems to me like the worst option available; she hates it here, would probably dump it after another six months anyway, and would have to re-raise the deposit and start an entirely new contract with the letting agency without me and Graham on the contract. I don't understand it at all... but we'll deal with whatever happens, somehow.