Pressure
Well, I am nearly half a year behind on updating here, and there is everything and nothing and nothing to write about. What I mean by that, is that whilst my life has changed pretty much beyond recognition, it appears to have done so quite gently, and not because of any major individual happenings. In one way, I have everything I could have wanted: I live in a big house in the most convenient location you can imagine, with a loving girlfriend, family, and my best friend living with me, and with a baby on the way. I'm a director of a company, being given an opportunity to do what I enjoy and always wanted to do. On the other hand, it's not all so good...
First, the house. We've now moved across from Bournemouth to Poole, on a nice little road just off the high street. Our 'corner shop' is a 24-hour ASDA which is less than a five minute walk away, as are the train station, the bus station, every shop on the high street, and the quay. It really couldn't get any more convenient; everything we need is within close walking distance. The house itself was advertised as a four-bedroom property, although we disagreed that one of the 'bedrooms' was really suited to such a purpose - in my experience, bedrooms don't tend to have cold hard tiled floors - so we turned that into a playroom for Willow and use the three bedrooms upstairs.
The main side effect of having a big house was not the one I expected. The cost hasn't been that bad - it's noticeably more than the flat, but between me and Graham splitting the rent and bills, it's affordable. The problem with it's size is maintaining it. Adele isn't the tidiest of people to live with, and obviously having a small child brings it's own share of mess, and I just don't have the time to look after it all. As a result of this, I spend most of the time in the house feeling depressed because of it's state and the feeling that I'm fighting a hopeless battle in tidying anything. We've even discussed the idea of hiring a cleaner for an hour or two each week, because although it would be an extra expense, the benefit to our happiness would probably be worth the money.
As for our happiness... well, it comes and goes. I don't want to give a bad impression of anything, but I'd be lying if I said we had a stable and comfortable relationship. I'm sure that Adele being pregnant is a major factor here, and I can't blame her for anything, but her being so very emotional and sensitive at the moment is proving very hard for me to deal with; I'm not used to having to step around carefully, nor do I think I should have to. We've had lots of happy moments together, it's just that I can never be sure how long they'll last - it doesn't take much to trigger an upset, which then tend to take hours to resolve. I can expect to fight over something at least four or five times a week, and probably two or three of those will include talk of breaking up.
It's such a shame, because the happy bits are really nice. If I could take all the sensitivity away, you're left with a lovely sweet and cuddly and intelligent girl, who is loyal and supportive and fun and wants to share a life and family with me. We have plans and dreams of a happy life, and they're not out of reach for us... but we can't make two days without arguing.
The main effect that I'm feeling is the loss of time. Because it takes hours to resolve the arguments, and the rest of the time I'm working or sleeping, there's just no time left for me to enjoy any more. Not that I ever did anything that exciting before, but I valued the time I could spend relaxing, messing around online, playing games, or working on personal projects like my websites or my 3D engine. It's also stopping me from falling into a better sleeping routine, because we're often talking well into the night, and don't get to sleep until 5am or so.
The talks are always successful though, it should be noted. I may be frustrated with the frequency of our arguments, but I can't deny that they are always resolved. Every single time, however many hours it takes, we do come to an agreement. Why this takes so long I can't work out, because it always turns out that we agreed anyway and it was just a misunderstanding, but somehow this fact is hidden until five hours have passed, at which point it suddenly becomes obvious we settle it.
Graham's presence also hasn't been what I would have expected. Indeed, I think I've spent less time socialising with him now that he lives with us than I did we lived apart. I mean, he's around every day, but for the same reasons as I don't my own time any more, we never have time to do anything together. Adele doesn't really feel comfortable living with other people (despite us all agreeing to do it and choosing a house together) because she feels it's impossible to maintain a clear separation between us (me, Adele, Willow) as a family, and Graham as a 'flatmate'. I don't have any problem with it myself, but she is keen to move out after the six-month tenancy agreement ends, and find a smaller place for just us.
I feel a difficult kind of divided loyalty on the subject. Adele represents a family and future for me, but Graham has been there for me for a long time, and already proved to be reliable and consistent. In fact, other than my immediate family, no aspect of my life has stayed around as long as he has. I've taken on new responsibilities to Adele and Willow, but I shouldn't let old ones to Graham suffer as a result.
The story of how we all ended up together is quite an interesting one, which happened around the new year. Adele was back for new year's eve, and though I'm usually reluctant, Adele and Graham wanted to go out and I agreed. We went to the Goat & Tricycle for a few drinks... and I somehow got very drunk. I only had a couple of pints of cider, but I ended up more drunk than I've ever felt before. I didn't think about it much at the time, but something obviously wasn't normal about it. Graham said later he thought something might have been done to my drink, and though I can't see how, something must have happened so I suppose it's the most likely explanation. The other two wanted to leave, so we walked out and down into Bournemouth. I'm quite afraid of crowds of people as it is, but that night was terrible. It's always worse on new year's anyway, but knowing how drunk I was and how little control I had, I got dangerously scared. We met some idiot on the walk down who wanted a lighter, but then got confrontational. Graham tried with some success to make him go away, but he started following us saying that we should 'watch our backs'. Even in my state I wasn't scared of him because I could see how out of it he was, but the fact that we hadn't gone more than a hundred metres or so without finding trouble already, didn't give me high hopes for the rest of the night. By the time we made it to the bottom of the hill, my paranoia had reached stupid levels, and I just couldn't stand to be there any more. I felt like I had no control and I didn't feel safe, and I begged them all the way to get me out of there. We found a taxi and went home.
What happened there isn't very clear any more (and wasn't much better at the time), but I know I slept a lot and they kept each other entertained. I don't remember if it was the next day or a couple of days later, but the next major thing that happens is that they both come to me independently and admit to getting very close, and Graham apologises for trying to kiss my girlfriend. He hadn't, I didn't really have anything to blame him for, so that was okay, and it could've ended there...
It didn't, though. It wasn't just one-sided - they'd fallen in love with each other whilst I'd not been around, and rather than decide it couldn't be, along came the idea of sharing; a polyamorous relationship. Surprisingly, I wasn't that opposed to it. I was assured that it was going to be my choice in the end, so I heard the arguments for it openly. In the end though, I just wasn't comfortable - there was no way I would entertain the idea of having any intimate relationship with Graham, so it was always going to be a V-shape rather than a triangle anyway, but I also couldn't feel right about sharing Adele sexually. Everything else didn't bother me very much, and I could've accepted it, but I didn't want to share the physical aspect. Adele wasn't sure she could either, and that, I think, was what ultimately brought an end to it. She stayed mine alone.
We'd maintained all the way through it though, that whichever of us ended up 'together', all of us would remain a nice little 'family unit'. We'd choose a house and move in together. Graham and I remained very happy with that idea, but Adele got more and more concerned with separating 'us' from 'him'.
Whilst all this was going on, Adele informs me that she's pregnant. I can't honestly remember exactly how I felt, but I know it wasn't a bad thing for a moment. It was a surprise, but I felt quite good about it. We hadn't been together for very long, which obviously means we hadn't got to know each other as much as we normally would have before choosing to have a family, but I felt we were good together and that it would all be okay. We've had two ultrasound scans since then, and I've got attached to the idea of being a father. In the time we've been together I've become very close to Willow, and I can only imagine it will be the same for 'Alpen'. That isn't his name, by the way - it was suggested by Adele's mother, and we used it so much that it's kind of stuck as his nickname until we think of a proper name. He's due at the end of September.
Work has been quite interesting - Darius met a friend in Spain who owns a restaurant in London, and he was interested in buying our software. He'd mentioned such things before, but this time he wanted to make a real push and make a sale, so we agreed that we could do it. We went up to meet him in his restaurant for a day, had a tour of the place, talked over what we could do for him, and got a free meal which was very nice. We set an internal deadline of the end of this month (allowing about another week for testing and bugfixing), and we would've made it if it wasn't for my decision to rip out all the core order classes and rewrite them. I estimated ten to twelve hours, but it's consumed closer to thirty. Still, it's been hard work and there's more to come, but a day or two over, we will make it and have a release-ready product. Version one. It'll go a long way from there and have a lot of additions over the following months, but after years of development we'll have reached a point where we're saying 'this is ready for people to use'.
Rachel is over in England and staying with us again, for a couple of months this time. I feel a little bad that I haven't been able to spend much time with her so far, but hopefully we can put that right soon. I don't think she's been bored at least; she and Graham have been together most of the time. I feel good and bad seeing them together - it feels like 2005, when Shanna came for two weeks, but seeing it from the outside this time. I heard Graham mention his Dad taking them to Arundel castle, and that made it even stronger. I miss her and I want her... but it's so very wrong of me to feel that way, and anyway, she's a liar and she cheated on me and I shouldn't take her back for anything... but the way I feel at the moment... I'm just missing anything and everything to do with The Way It Used To Be™. I'm currently stuck in a present in which I'm unhappy, between an image of a future with Adele that looks like it could be everything I wanted, but is a hope, and a past which was going to be everything I wanted, and was, until it was torn apart. I don't even trust myself to know what's best for me anymore.
The LiveJournal elections were a bit of a joke. I'm sure I don't need to write about them, there's been plenty of coverage if you've been following it. It seems the outcome is at least questionable, and the death threats are ridiculous - who is taking it so seriously? But anyway, it's a great shame Jameth didn't win - I think he would have done a great job of representing the typical LJ/intarwebs usar.
Anyway, that's as much as I can do for now. I'm sorry, I know I left out lots of details, but I've been up all night doing this already. Now I'm going to go and get some breakfast with Graham and Rachel (Adele is staying in Oxford overnight), and then I suppose I will have to get back into work. Perhaps now that I've got over the backlog though, updates won't be so painful in future.
New song to represent this period in my life: Muse - Unintended.
First, the house. We've now moved across from Bournemouth to Poole, on a nice little road just off the high street. Our 'corner shop' is a 24-hour ASDA which is less than a five minute walk away, as are the train station, the bus station, every shop on the high street, and the quay. It really couldn't get any more convenient; everything we need is within close walking distance. The house itself was advertised as a four-bedroom property, although we disagreed that one of the 'bedrooms' was really suited to such a purpose - in my experience, bedrooms don't tend to have cold hard tiled floors - so we turned that into a playroom for Willow and use the three bedrooms upstairs.
The main side effect of having a big house was not the one I expected. The cost hasn't been that bad - it's noticeably more than the flat, but between me and Graham splitting the rent and bills, it's affordable. The problem with it's size is maintaining it. Adele isn't the tidiest of people to live with, and obviously having a small child brings it's own share of mess, and I just don't have the time to look after it all. As a result of this, I spend most of the time in the house feeling depressed because of it's state and the feeling that I'm fighting a hopeless battle in tidying anything. We've even discussed the idea of hiring a cleaner for an hour or two each week, because although it would be an extra expense, the benefit to our happiness would probably be worth the money.
As for our happiness... well, it comes and goes. I don't want to give a bad impression of anything, but I'd be lying if I said we had a stable and comfortable relationship. I'm sure that Adele being pregnant is a major factor here, and I can't blame her for anything, but her being so very emotional and sensitive at the moment is proving very hard for me to deal with; I'm not used to having to step around carefully, nor do I think I should have to. We've had lots of happy moments together, it's just that I can never be sure how long they'll last - it doesn't take much to trigger an upset, which then tend to take hours to resolve. I can expect to fight over something at least four or five times a week, and probably two or three of those will include talk of breaking up.
It's such a shame, because the happy bits are really nice. If I could take all the sensitivity away, you're left with a lovely sweet and cuddly and intelligent girl, who is loyal and supportive and fun and wants to share a life and family with me. We have plans and dreams of a happy life, and they're not out of reach for us... but we can't make two days without arguing.
The main effect that I'm feeling is the loss of time. Because it takes hours to resolve the arguments, and the rest of the time I'm working or sleeping, there's just no time left for me to enjoy any more. Not that I ever did anything that exciting before, but I valued the time I could spend relaxing, messing around online, playing games, or working on personal projects like my websites or my 3D engine. It's also stopping me from falling into a better sleeping routine, because we're often talking well into the night, and don't get to sleep until 5am or so.
The talks are always successful though, it should be noted. I may be frustrated with the frequency of our arguments, but I can't deny that they are always resolved. Every single time, however many hours it takes, we do come to an agreement. Why this takes so long I can't work out, because it always turns out that we agreed anyway and it was just a misunderstanding, but somehow this fact is hidden until five hours have passed, at which point it suddenly becomes obvious we settle it.
Graham's presence also hasn't been what I would have expected. Indeed, I think I've spent less time socialising with him now that he lives with us than I did we lived apart. I mean, he's around every day, but for the same reasons as I don't my own time any more, we never have time to do anything together. Adele doesn't really feel comfortable living with other people (despite us all agreeing to do it and choosing a house together) because she feels it's impossible to maintain a clear separation between us (me, Adele, Willow) as a family, and Graham as a 'flatmate'. I don't have any problem with it myself, but she is keen to move out after the six-month tenancy agreement ends, and find a smaller place for just us.
I feel a difficult kind of divided loyalty on the subject. Adele represents a family and future for me, but Graham has been there for me for a long time, and already proved to be reliable and consistent. In fact, other than my immediate family, no aspect of my life has stayed around as long as he has. I've taken on new responsibilities to Adele and Willow, but I shouldn't let old ones to Graham suffer as a result.
The story of how we all ended up together is quite an interesting one, which happened around the new year. Adele was back for new year's eve, and though I'm usually reluctant, Adele and Graham wanted to go out and I agreed. We went to the Goat & Tricycle for a few drinks... and I somehow got very drunk. I only had a couple of pints of cider, but I ended up more drunk than I've ever felt before. I didn't think about it much at the time, but something obviously wasn't normal about it. Graham said later he thought something might have been done to my drink, and though I can't see how, something must have happened so I suppose it's the most likely explanation. The other two wanted to leave, so we walked out and down into Bournemouth. I'm quite afraid of crowds of people as it is, but that night was terrible. It's always worse on new year's anyway, but knowing how drunk I was and how little control I had, I got dangerously scared. We met some idiot on the walk down who wanted a lighter, but then got confrontational. Graham tried with some success to make him go away, but he started following us saying that we should 'watch our backs'. Even in my state I wasn't scared of him because I could see how out of it he was, but the fact that we hadn't gone more than a hundred metres or so without finding trouble already, didn't give me high hopes for the rest of the night. By the time we made it to the bottom of the hill, my paranoia had reached stupid levels, and I just couldn't stand to be there any more. I felt like I had no control and I didn't feel safe, and I begged them all the way to get me out of there. We found a taxi and went home.
What happened there isn't very clear any more (and wasn't much better at the time), but I know I slept a lot and they kept each other entertained. I don't remember if it was the next day or a couple of days later, but the next major thing that happens is that they both come to me independently and admit to getting very close, and Graham apologises for trying to kiss my girlfriend. He hadn't, I didn't really have anything to blame him for, so that was okay, and it could've ended there...
It didn't, though. It wasn't just one-sided - they'd fallen in love with each other whilst I'd not been around, and rather than decide it couldn't be, along came the idea of sharing; a polyamorous relationship. Surprisingly, I wasn't that opposed to it. I was assured that it was going to be my choice in the end, so I heard the arguments for it openly. In the end though, I just wasn't comfortable - there was no way I would entertain the idea of having any intimate relationship with Graham, so it was always going to be a V-shape rather than a triangle anyway, but I also couldn't feel right about sharing Adele sexually. Everything else didn't bother me very much, and I could've accepted it, but I didn't want to share the physical aspect. Adele wasn't sure she could either, and that, I think, was what ultimately brought an end to it. She stayed mine alone.
We'd maintained all the way through it though, that whichever of us ended up 'together', all of us would remain a nice little 'family unit'. We'd choose a house and move in together. Graham and I remained very happy with that idea, but Adele got more and more concerned with separating 'us' from 'him'.
Whilst all this was going on, Adele informs me that she's pregnant. I can't honestly remember exactly how I felt, but I know it wasn't a bad thing for a moment. It was a surprise, but I felt quite good about it. We hadn't been together for very long, which obviously means we hadn't got to know each other as much as we normally would have before choosing to have a family, but I felt we were good together and that it would all be okay. We've had two ultrasound scans since then, and I've got attached to the idea of being a father. In the time we've been together I've become very close to Willow, and I can only imagine it will be the same for 'Alpen'. That isn't his name, by the way - it was suggested by Adele's mother, and we used it so much that it's kind of stuck as his nickname until we think of a proper name. He's due at the end of September.
Work has been quite interesting - Darius met a friend in Spain who owns a restaurant in London, and he was interested in buying our software. He'd mentioned such things before, but this time he wanted to make a real push and make a sale, so we agreed that we could do it. We went up to meet him in his restaurant for a day, had a tour of the place, talked over what we could do for him, and got a free meal which was very nice. We set an internal deadline of the end of this month (allowing about another week for testing and bugfixing), and we would've made it if it wasn't for my decision to rip out all the core order classes and rewrite them. I estimated ten to twelve hours, but it's consumed closer to thirty. Still, it's been hard work and there's more to come, but a day or two over, we will make it and have a release-ready product. Version one. It'll go a long way from there and have a lot of additions over the following months, but after years of development we'll have reached a point where we're saying 'this is ready for people to use'.
Rachel is over in England and staying with us again, for a couple of months this time. I feel a little bad that I haven't been able to spend much time with her so far, but hopefully we can put that right soon. I don't think she's been bored at least; she and Graham have been together most of the time. I feel good and bad seeing them together - it feels like 2005, when Shanna came for two weeks, but seeing it from the outside this time. I heard Graham mention his Dad taking them to Arundel castle, and that made it even stronger. I miss her and I want her... but it's so very wrong of me to feel that way, and anyway, she's a liar and she cheated on me and I shouldn't take her back for anything... but the way I feel at the moment... I'm just missing anything and everything to do with The Way It Used To Be™. I'm currently stuck in a present in which I'm unhappy, between an image of a future with Adele that looks like it could be everything I wanted, but is a hope, and a past which was going to be everything I wanted, and was, until it was torn apart. I don't even trust myself to know what's best for me anymore.
The LiveJournal elections were a bit of a joke. I'm sure I don't need to write about them, there's been plenty of coverage if you've been following it. It seems the outcome is at least questionable, and the death threats are ridiculous - who is taking it so seriously? But anyway, it's a great shame Jameth didn't win - I think he would have done a great job of representing the typical LJ/intarwebs usar.
Anyway, that's as much as I can do for now. I'm sorry, I know I left out lots of details, but I've been up all night doing this already. Now I'm going to go and get some breakfast with Graham and Rachel (Adele is staying in Oxford overnight), and then I suppose I will have to get back into work. Perhaps now that I've got over the backlog though, updates won't be so painful in future.
New song to represent this period in my life: Muse - Unintended.