Reversion
Rachel is coming to wake me up in about five hours, before she goes off to London, so I'm an idiot for still being awake... but I'm glad I stayed up. I'm sleeping in her room, because she's sleeping in Graham's room, and Adele is sleeping in my room. Yeah, Adele came back today. It wasn't very eventful, thankfully - she brought somebody back with her and they've been in the room at the back of the house all evening whilst I've been playing cards in the living room with Graham and Rachel. She did come out briefly to complain that I'd removed her wall hangings from the playroom - she wanted me to apologise for it, but I didn't feel sorry so I couldn't. I took them down when we were cleaning after she'd left, because I assumed that she wouldn't be coming back for any significant amount of time. That assumption turned out to be wrong, but I don't feel bad for anything. Graham and Rachel and I also went out for something to eat, which was nice, so it's been a pleasant evening overall.
I feel like I should clarify that Adele hasn't really done anything wrong, as such. We're not right for each other. She has some strong views I don't agree with. We want similar things, but in seemingly different ways. Aspects of her personality can drive me insane, and I was unhappy to the point of regret for having made the decision to search for someone else... but she was always honest. She was, in the end, everything I'd asked her to be; I'd just asked for the wrong things. After Shanna had left, I thought I knew what I wanted... but when I got it, it was all wrong. What I want is what I had. Sorting all this out with Adele is going to be horrible, but it's not her fault that we're no good together. I just had to say that.
As for tonight, well, I've been reading old entries, in search of myself. I remember who I am. I did it all wrong. Shanna will never be excused for leaving, but I don't blame her for wanting to. Though what she has done will never, ever be right... I can see what I shouldn't have been. I can't describe what I saw in myself, reading those entries; I was depressed, all the time, nothing was ever right, even when it was. Now I feel so sorry - I want to hug her, tell her I love her, tell her I'm sorry, and be happy for what I have. I've learnt appreciation. We have a hell of a lot to work through, but I am willing to face anything now. I feel scared, but excited. I feel the thrill of a fight again. I'm weak, and I need a lot of reassurance - when we're not talking I get scared that it's not true, that she won't go through with it, and that's not illogical of me, but when we are talking I feel so sure and so happy.
I told myself it was broken for good, that I would never do this... but I feel so much love. This isn't just a right choice, it's my life, and I need it. I need it now.
I feel like I should clarify that Adele hasn't really done anything wrong, as such. We're not right for each other. She has some strong views I don't agree with. We want similar things, but in seemingly different ways. Aspects of her personality can drive me insane, and I was unhappy to the point of regret for having made the decision to search for someone else... but she was always honest. She was, in the end, everything I'd asked her to be; I'd just asked for the wrong things. After Shanna had left, I thought I knew what I wanted... but when I got it, it was all wrong. What I want is what I had. Sorting all this out with Adele is going to be horrible, but it's not her fault that we're no good together. I just had to say that.
As for tonight, well, I've been reading old entries, in search of myself. I remember who I am. I did it all wrong. Shanna will never be excused for leaving, but I don't blame her for wanting to. Though what she has done will never, ever be right... I can see what I shouldn't have been. I can't describe what I saw in myself, reading those entries; I was depressed, all the time, nothing was ever right, even when it was. Now I feel so sorry - I want to hug her, tell her I love her, tell her I'm sorry, and be happy for what I have. I've learnt appreciation. We have a hell of a lot to work through, but I am willing to face anything now. I feel scared, but excited. I feel the thrill of a fight again. I'm weak, and I need a lot of reassurance - when we're not talking I get scared that it's not true, that she won't go through with it, and that's not illogical of me, but when we are talking I feel so sure and so happy.
I told myself it was broken for good, that I would never do this... but I feel so much love. This isn't just a right choice, it's my life, and I need it. I need it now.