(no subject)
so... what am i reaching for? control.
i dont want to be a pushover anymore, and i'm really tired of feeling like other people are in control of my life and my decisions. it's sad because i know there are ways that i can prevent it but in many ways i feel completely incapable. there has to be something that i'm missing. i'm not a victim and i'm tired of feeling like one. this summer isn't even over yet but i already feel more drained than i've ever been in my whole life. i feel like there might not be any fight left in me when all is said and done. i need to be reminded of all the good things in my life over and over again. it's pretty insane how something so inspiring can hit you right when you needed it. i'm tired of seeing only the outside of things and i'm tired of bending for you. i want my life back and i'm going to take it. i'm going to do this one last thing, but it's not for you. it's for me. it's cleansing for me to know that i will have participated in our relationship and never have broken a single promise to you, and that you've broken every single one that you ever made to me. something as stupid as money shouldn't be the straw that breaks the camel's back, but in your case it's the only way that i think i can move on. you've never thought about me, about how i feel about things for even a minute and it's so incredibly difficult for me to realize, and more importantly, accept that. but i am and i will. i love you and you've never even seen fit to give me the smallest bit of closure, so i'm taking it for myself. if i don't do this, that means, for no other reason than that i'm a compassionate person, that i would have to speak to you again, and honestly, that's something that i'm no longer prepared to do. i dont know why it hurts so much to know that i don't ever want to speak to you again. after all you've done to me, it should be a relief. you've put me through the ringer more than any person in my life ever has, with emotional highs and lows that i'm scared no one will ever top. but i'm tired of being scared. i'm worth more than you value me at, and even though thats hard for me to accept, it's time to get over it. i'm not sorry either that i lied to you. fuck you for thinking that i'm not good enough to have anyone but you. fuck me for playing into your stupid fantasy. for liking it. i hope you're happy that i feel completely disgusting for falling for your stupid tricks again. god, what is wrong with me that every time, i keep fooling myself into thinking you can change when you're still the same old you. you have no respect for me, not an ounce of respect for my decisions or my person. how dumb am i for thinking every time that maybe this time, maybe this time i'll be good enough for you and maybe this time you'll realize how much i fucking love you and everything will be just different for whatever reason. i hate you for trumping the only real love that i've ever felt in my life, and i hate you for making me lose respect for the concept. i hate you for turning love into pain and i hate you for ruining something that was supposed to be perfect. i hate you for being glib and for making me into something i never wanted to be. so many concepts are different to me because i knew you because you made casual things that i've never wanted to be that way. more than anything though, i hate myself for caring and lying to myself so much about that fact. i care. i fucking CARE. i hate that. it's not just about being physically connected, my heart is beating in your chest and i have to rip it out to take it back. so that's it. to move on i have to move AWAY. goodbye. peace out.
have a nice life. you're no longer going to affect mine.
i dont want to be a pushover anymore, and i'm really tired of feeling like other people are in control of my life and my decisions. it's sad because i know there are ways that i can prevent it but in many ways i feel completely incapable. there has to be something that i'm missing. i'm not a victim and i'm tired of feeling like one. this summer isn't even over yet but i already feel more drained than i've ever been in my whole life. i feel like there might not be any fight left in me when all is said and done. i need to be reminded of all the good things in my life over and over again. it's pretty insane how something so inspiring can hit you right when you needed it. i'm tired of seeing only the outside of things and i'm tired of bending for you. i want my life back and i'm going to take it. i'm going to do this one last thing, but it's not for you. it's for me. it's cleansing for me to know that i will have participated in our relationship and never have broken a single promise to you, and that you've broken every single one that you ever made to me. something as stupid as money shouldn't be the straw that breaks the camel's back, but in your case it's the only way that i think i can move on. you've never thought about me, about how i feel about things for even a minute and it's so incredibly difficult for me to realize, and more importantly, accept that. but i am and i will. i love you and you've never even seen fit to give me the smallest bit of closure, so i'm taking it for myself. if i don't do this, that means, for no other reason than that i'm a compassionate person, that i would have to speak to you again, and honestly, that's something that i'm no longer prepared to do. i dont know why it hurts so much to know that i don't ever want to speak to you again. after all you've done to me, it should be a relief. you've put me through the ringer more than any person in my life ever has, with emotional highs and lows that i'm scared no one will ever top. but i'm tired of being scared. i'm worth more than you value me at, and even though thats hard for me to accept, it's time to get over it. i'm not sorry either that i lied to you. fuck you for thinking that i'm not good enough to have anyone but you. fuck me for playing into your stupid fantasy. for liking it. i hope you're happy that i feel completely disgusting for falling for your stupid tricks again. god, what is wrong with me that every time, i keep fooling myself into thinking you can change when you're still the same old you. you have no respect for me, not an ounce of respect for my decisions or my person. how dumb am i for thinking every time that maybe this time, maybe this time i'll be good enough for you and maybe this time you'll realize how much i fucking love you and everything will be just different for whatever reason. i hate you for trumping the only real love that i've ever felt in my life, and i hate you for making me lose respect for the concept. i hate you for turning love into pain and i hate you for ruining something that was supposed to be perfect. i hate you for being glib and for making me into something i never wanted to be. so many concepts are different to me because i knew you because you made casual things that i've never wanted to be that way. more than anything though, i hate myself for caring and lying to myself so much about that fact. i care. i fucking CARE. i hate that. it's not just about being physically connected, my heart is beating in your chest and i have to rip it out to take it back. so that's it. to move on i have to move AWAY. goodbye. peace out.
have a nice life. you're no longer going to affect mine.