Tired of being spit on
i dont even know where to start.
saturday we went to seaworld. had a great time. got excited to stay in a hotel, because it was the first time we will have been alone since we have been together pretty much. anyway, so we get into our hotel after a really nice day at seaworld, and then we take a shower and go downtown to Anthonys fish grotto on the harbor, we ate dinner, that was also nice. we drove back to the hotel, and i got into my cute lingerie that i had bought a few days earlier for the hotel. i get into it and i am feeling a little insecure already because im not completely okay with my body, and yes he has seen me naked millions of times, but yanno, its a hotel, and we are alone and ahhh. and so i walk out and he has this look on his face, that is kind of like.. an EWW look.
but i ignore it and sit on the bed and he kisses my boobs and yanno pretends to enjoy it. and as hes fucking me from behind i notice that he is watching tv, so i stop, and he lays on the bed and continues to watch the tv. so whatever, then sunday, we go out to breakfast at this mongolian place at this mall in sd, and i am not very hungry in the mornings, like usual, and so i hardly eat any of mine. he eats all of his, and then all of mine on the way home from sd. which was fine because i wasnt hungry. so then later that night he gets subway for us. he eats half of his foot long, and saves the rest for lunch on monday, and i am hungry since i hadnt eaten all day, so i eat half of my footlong and keep going for the other half. he looks at me and asks if i need it, and then i keep eating, and he wants me to share with him. but i told him im fucking hungry and he can go eat his other half.
and so he said that i already ate today (i nibbled my breakfast food) and that i ate more then he did, and so i couldnt possibly be that hungry. so i get pissed off and give him the rest of my sandwich and go inside. i cried in bed. and he never came in to check on me or anything. comes in, and goes to bed like nothing happened. and then wakes up in the morning and goes to work like nothing happened, comes home from work, like nothing happened and goes about his evening. i gave him the silent treatment all day, and then i told him that i needed the truck on tuesday because i have things to do. and so he says fine he is carpooling anyway. but still acts like nothing is going on. so i go in there and cry again and he comes in and goes to sleep like nothing is going on. and then
and then
and then
oh man
he wakes up in the morning, and gets the truck keys and LEAVES, because he didnt want me taking the truck because he didnt know what i was going to do with it, so he took it to work, plus he had all my IDs and my credit cards, so i was stranded here with nothing, and no way to do anything or get anything done because he had all my shit. so i tell him i have had enough. and he is texting me that he fell out of love with me because i wasnt changing fast enough for him, like quitting smoking fast enough, going to church every sunday, being a gymrat, yanno, i am not the barbie next door that he was hoping i would magically turn into apparently.
ive never been so happy with anyone, at any time as i have been the past 5 months with mark. and its like in a flash its gone. and im here, and im crying, and i feel ugly, and i havent felt ugly in a really long time, i forgot how much it hurts. how painful it is to wear clothes that show anything now. i wear my hoodie and pj pants with socks everywhere now. i havent even left my house since sunday. i stayed in bed all day yesterday just crying and crying.
i wish my dad was here to give me some advice, i wonder what he would say. i wonder what he would tell me to do. i remember every time i called him because i was having trouble with john, he always said "fuck, just pack your shit and come home katie, just come home"
and now hes gone, and theres no home to go to, and its just me, without anyone. and i feel so lost, and scared, and its like im in this giant open space, and its pitch black, and i am just hoping a light somewhere comes on, so i can find my way around again. i just need a light really bad right now.
saturday we went to seaworld. had a great time. got excited to stay in a hotel, because it was the first time we will have been alone since we have been together pretty much. anyway, so we get into our hotel after a really nice day at seaworld, and then we take a shower and go downtown to Anthonys fish grotto on the harbor, we ate dinner, that was also nice. we drove back to the hotel, and i got into my cute lingerie that i had bought a few days earlier for the hotel. i get into it and i am feeling a little insecure already because im not completely okay with my body, and yes he has seen me naked millions of times, but yanno, its a hotel, and we are alone and ahhh. and so i walk out and he has this look on his face, that is kind of like.. an EWW look.
but i ignore it and sit on the bed and he kisses my boobs and yanno pretends to enjoy it. and as hes fucking me from behind i notice that he is watching tv, so i stop, and he lays on the bed and continues to watch the tv. so whatever, then sunday, we go out to breakfast at this mongolian place at this mall in sd, and i am not very hungry in the mornings, like usual, and so i hardly eat any of mine. he eats all of his, and then all of mine on the way home from sd. which was fine because i wasnt hungry. so then later that night he gets subway for us. he eats half of his foot long, and saves the rest for lunch on monday, and i am hungry since i hadnt eaten all day, so i eat half of my footlong and keep going for the other half. he looks at me and asks if i need it, and then i keep eating, and he wants me to share with him. but i told him im fucking hungry and he can go eat his other half.
and so he said that i already ate today (i nibbled my breakfast food) and that i ate more then he did, and so i couldnt possibly be that hungry. so i get pissed off and give him the rest of my sandwich and go inside. i cried in bed. and he never came in to check on me or anything. comes in, and goes to bed like nothing happened. and then wakes up in the morning and goes to work like nothing happened, comes home from work, like nothing happened and goes about his evening. i gave him the silent treatment all day, and then i told him that i needed the truck on tuesday because i have things to do. and so he says fine he is carpooling anyway. but still acts like nothing is going on. so i go in there and cry again and he comes in and goes to sleep like nothing is going on. and then
and then
and then
oh man
he wakes up in the morning, and gets the truck keys and LEAVES, because he didnt want me taking the truck because he didnt know what i was going to do with it, so he took it to work, plus he had all my IDs and my credit cards, so i was stranded here with nothing, and no way to do anything or get anything done because he had all my shit. so i tell him i have had enough. and he is texting me that he fell out of love with me because i wasnt changing fast enough for him, like quitting smoking fast enough, going to church every sunday, being a gymrat, yanno, i am not the barbie next door that he was hoping i would magically turn into apparently.
ive never been so happy with anyone, at any time as i have been the past 5 months with mark. and its like in a flash its gone. and im here, and im crying, and i feel ugly, and i havent felt ugly in a really long time, i forgot how much it hurts. how painful it is to wear clothes that show anything now. i wear my hoodie and pj pants with socks everywhere now. i havent even left my house since sunday. i stayed in bed all day yesterday just crying and crying.
i wish my dad was here to give me some advice, i wonder what he would say. i wonder what he would tell me to do. i remember every time i called him because i was having trouble with john, he always said "fuck, just pack your shit and come home katie, just come home"
and now hes gone, and theres no home to go to, and its just me, without anyone. and i feel so lost, and scared, and its like im in this giant open space, and its pitch black, and i am just hoping a light somewhere comes on, so i can find my way around again. i just need a light really bad right now.