back on track
whew.
saturday was our ball. it was at the hyatt in san diego. it was nice. i had such a gorgeous dress. it was nice. i felt beautiful. our ball pictures came out really nice too. i made copies at walmart. and will be mailing them out to his family and such. and i guess whoever wants one :) it is the type of picture that would look amazing on the wall :) haha.
okay so, i got a gym membership at fitness 19. i took before pictures, and in 30 days i'll take some after ones and post them, with my before weight and after weight. i sure hope there is a difference... seriously...
this 220lbs shit is just not cutting it for me anymore. i hate it. so, i went to the gym for the first time today, by myself, and it didnt go that well, but its a start. i stayed for an hour, and just busted my ass on the treadmill. i like the treadmill, and the different things you can do on it now days with the high tech ones. i sweated my ass off. i will go back tonight when mark gets off of work. so maybe we can bust our asses together :) and im going monday thru friday anyway, so hopefully i wont be alone much there. i dont know what it is, when i am alone, i just... get bored. haha. i dont want to do anything, and i want to like... leave. so after an hour today, i left. so hopefully veronica will start going with me starting tomorrow and we can stay for 2 or 3 hours. and then when my hubs gets off work, him and i will go for an hour or two. i just need to get it done. i do.
my doctors appointment went well. i had it a few days ago. they took my blood to check for thyroid and such. so i am optimistic as possible. she thinks that i just may not be ovulating, yes i am having my periods, but maybe no eggs are dropping. and i am at a stable weight, and a low weight since the last time i was there when i was married with john. i was 250+lbs and so they never wanted to help me get pregnant, because they couldnt. well now that isnt an option. i cant let my weight get in the way of having a family, and being happy. i so desperately want to be happy and have a baby. and now im crying..
ahh
okay. so my next doctors appointment is on friday the 18th. so that is this week, and so soon. hopefully my blood work will come back normal, because ive never had a problem with my thyroid levels, really. she said that she might want to put me back on metformin, and i told her that i was on it before and that it did nothing. it didnt help get me pregnant, and it didnt help me lose weight, which is both of the things it was supposed to do. and she said that my weight was a big factor, that probably it wasnt working because i was just to heavy. but now im not. so if she does put me back on it, i hope that it works or does something. because, i am just tired of it. she also said she wants to check for ovulation, and she said there are a number of things she can put me on to help me ovulate. so i am thinking maybe clomid? i hope so. i heard amazing things about clomid.
so, i just have to get through this week, and pray that friday comes soon! i wish it was friday. i live for these doctor appointments now. oh, and we were at walmart yesterday...and i saw this 0-3m onezie that is for halloween for 1.50 so i bought it... i did. i know. i know. its on the hanger and its hanging on my dresser. i just put it there as hope. a reminder. yanno like those people who hang up jeans or a dress that they work to fit into. no, i dont do that. i hung that up, its like a smaller size pants for me. i laid down earlier and put the onezie on my tummy. i didnt cry, i wasnt mad, i am just hopeful. i am trying to be as hopeful as possible.
mark and i have been having slight troubles as well. not about our relationship in anyway, but his reenlistment package. its all done, except for his weight. he has to be 160, and hes 174. sonovabitch. so i have been really on his ass about doing something about it, and he isnt... last night he was holding me in bed, and it was dark in the room, but we could see eachothers eyes, and i could feel the air coming out of his nose, onto the top of my nose, and i was thinking about the upcoming doctors appointment, and i told him that the reason why i am on his ass about it, is because we need to continue to have medical, so i can continue to fix what is wrong with me, so that i can give him a family. he said he knows, and he will do anything and everything to get his weight down by next week so he can turn that damn thing in.
please god just help us.
the holidays are coming up. my sister and i spoke yesterday for the first time in like two weeks. god i miss her so bad that it hurts sometimes. especially since shes the only one in my family that i do talk to. i mean my immediate family anyway. my mom wont even return my phone calls, or text messages... man, my heart just hurts. i know shes not the best mom and sometimes i just hate her and cant stand her, but i need her. i need her in my life, even if she has nothing nice to say, which she never does, but i still would rather hear that then nothing sometimes. at least every once in a while. yanno ? but ... i dont know. ive been craving family, and love, and attention lately and havent been getting any of that from the people i want it the most from..
i think thats why i want to start my own family, so that way it will hurt less when i talk to them less, and i will be so busy, kissing soft little baby feet, singing lullabys and giving baths with rubber duckies.
come on friday. please be here already. and i weighed in last week at 218 at the doctors. i plan to be 213 by fridays appointment so i can show her that i am serious, that i am doing it, and that i want this, more then anything. and i hope she will see that, and give me her all, and help me.
just fucking help me