You're heaven is trying everything to Kick me out...
Just walk away, make it easy on yourself, just walk away, please dont lose me from this hell, just walk away, theres just nothing left to feel, just walk away, pretend that none of this is real. Forgive me if I told you that I cared, I'm sorry if I swore I'd always be there, Please forgive me for laughing when you fall, I'm not sorry I never cared at all.
Christmas. Wow. Had fun, we spent way to much, on each other, and my aunt and uncle. We enjoyed some nice days off. For his birthday, December 13th around, we went to seaworld, and stayed in san diego. I told you about all that already from the last one I suppose. All is forgive but none is lost, right?
December, busy. I got my period on the 16th. Started my clomid a few days later. Pee'd on those ovulation sticks for about 20 days, and ovulated January 2nd, and January 3rd. Had as much sex as humanly possible when being married to a marine. Got my period in January (big let down, but it didnt hurt to bad..) Took round 2 or clomid a few days later. Now, Mark and I have been having a lot of sex, and I have NOT been tracking my ovulation whatsoever this 2nd round, though I am supposed to be. But, I noticed when I got my period in January, I was really let down, and discouraged, and I had to stop myself, and think, wait, dont do this to yourself, because you have always done that before, and that let to inner depression, that got me fat, no man. Im so sexy now, though I do need to get back into the gym, but thats for later down in this story. So, It is now February, and its the 2nd. So, fingers crossed for round 2. I did make a OB clomid checkup appointment for February 15th, regardless of period or not... So eek. Next step, is round 2 did not work, is to do the HSG procedure, (A hysterosalpingogram (HSG) is an X-ray test that looks at the inside of the uterus and fallopian tubes and the area around them. It often is done for women who are having a hard time becoming pregnant (infertile).) and I am praying that if round 2 does not in fact, get a fetus in this uterus, I hope that that test shows that something is wrong, and lets get a plan to fix it, and sooner rather then later. Please.
December 31st- New years eve, my husband and I go to Palm Springs, ride the ariel tramway up the mountain, and we played in the snow. My husband, my dear dear husband.. is so good to me its unimaginable of how I could have ever deserved a man with his kind of love. As harsh as it may be sometimes, he is a good man. He planned that, and took me up there, and wanted me to play in the snow because he knows how much I miss snow, how much it calms me, and not very many people know that, or really understand. It was great, and I enjoyed it. Now, during this, things have not been so rocky with my mom, you see that whole thing... thats still going on. So while my husband and I had NO service the entire way up the mountain or on the mountain almost the entire time we were there, we heard my phone bing for a text. its my mother. We had an arguement earlier a few days previous because I would not pay for a hotel room for her to sleep in on christmas day, because she deserves where she is at. she is a manipulative, spineless, pathetic, excuse for a human being, and she birthed me. "You only get one mother, so you better love the one you got" Yes, well, fuck whoever says that, they know nothing of the pain my mother has put me through. So, getting back to being on the mountain, my phone gets a text, and she says, and I quote, "you are a miserable bitch and that is why God will never let you have children." I sobbed, from my gut, the entire 2 hour car ride home. My heart aches, and now I am crying, all I have ever wanted was for her to love me, as my only parent left, I feel like I was short changed. I had to put one parent in the ground, and it feels like she went right along with him... She is and always will be my mother, but I cant anymore. I cant wrap my head around her saying that to me. How could you ever say that to your child, when that was her only goal in life. How? I blocked her cell phone number, and shes removed from my facebook. I cant. I honestly cant. I dont have it in me anymore. I am alone. I am all alone. I am so scared. What will I do? What will I tell my children, the ones I am not supposed to have. When she was my age, she had 3 kids already, and rubs it in my fucking face all the time, and then has the audacity to tell me I am just like her. All I feel in my heart is rage.
February, Lets see. Yesterday I had surgery to get a cyst removed from my face. I was so scared and so nervous. It went OK, bled alot, and they couldn't seem to get one of the veins to stop bleeding, so there was a lot of pressure, and different types of things going on, meanwhile I was underneath surgical dressing and coverings, so I couldnt even see what was even going on really. February is a busy month. Mark leaves monday for field until the 13th of february. On Wednesday I have to get my stitches out. Also on the 13th, or 14th, or 15th, Mark finds out if his reenlistment was approved, or denied...... SO, that is and will be very heavily on my mind the next two weeks until we find out, because that determinds our entire future, if he doesn't get approved, then we have to make plans to move to Alabama in May, and if he gets approved, we celebrate and we start looking for places in North Carolina. Please keep all fingers and toes and lips and hair and whatever else you can do ya sickos, :). tyvm. The 15th I have that OB appointment, so thats a big day, well by the 13th-15th I will be on edge about my period coming or not coming... So big day the 15th. Mark also has duty the 15th. Then the 18th we are driving to 29 Palms, picking up some snowboard gear, Marks brother who is also a Marine, and whom I met before Mark and I got married, in Big Bear. Then the next day we are driving him back to 29 palms where he is doing some schooling, he is stationed in VA. So then the 21st, we fly to atlanta, get our rental car, drive to alabama and visit his family until March 6th. I will have to wait to update anything further then that date, because really EVERYTHING is waiting on whether his reenlistment goes through, or not... so there isnt anything we can do. but wait until then.
So I will need alot of good karma coming my way this month, lets just pray it all goes well, and smoothly and we can all go about our days. I feel like I am getting so close to having a baby, that I can feel it, I can taste it. I want it so badly, and we are so close. It took 5 years for that fucking naval hospital to give me clomid, and now I am down 2 round, and its a wait and see. My head is spinning.