sometimes you can get so caught up in the rainstorm that you forget to stop and take a deep breath..
so. okay.
Friday I took off work and spent the night with Tim. he got a hotel and I called into work. we had sex all night. cuddled. it was like we were together again. it felt so right. I knew it wouldn't last and I knew I'd have to go home the next morning. but I enjoyed every bit. I knew it was our last night ever being together again in that way because he leaves for Kentucky at the end of this week I believe. last night I drove to base and we cleaned our cars out and traded. he wanted my truck and I took his convertible.
as we we're cleaning out his car there was some panties in his car and he laughed and said they were mine. they looked like mine but I didn't pick them up to look. and I walked around the car and just started crying my eyes out. literally balling. not because of the panties but because I love him. every part of me loves him. we talked and hugged and I sobbed the whole way home. he said we could go out to dinner before he leaves. I am not sure if that's a good idea. I'm already heart wrenched about this. and a final actual goodbye would mentally destroy me right now. but its closure and so I guess I'll do it if he asks.
onto other things. last month I signed up for a dating website in the north carolina area. and a few stupid people talked to me but then two nice guys mark and alan got my attention. mark is 31 never been married no kids in the airforce owns his own house has his life together. alan is 26 divorced ptsd getting out of the marines next year. both good guys. well alan was saying two days ago that he has a single marine roommate and wants to know if I had any single friends for him. so I said yes and texted Tamara's picture and number. so they drive to her work to meet her and I'm excited because I tell her to check out alan for me and make sure he's worth waiting for.
turns the fuck out that alan went to her work alone and then has texted her all day and they went out on a coffee date tonight. what. the. fuck. what. the. fuck. jesus. fucking people seriously. I'm mad at both of them. I told her to stop talking to him or I'm going to be upset with her and I told him he's a fucking dick and that I am not talking to a dirt bag like him any longer. duech bag piece of shit mother fucker.
okay. okay. so mark likes me a lot. he's a sweet guy. I'm a little confused about his relationship history. he makes it sound like he's never really been in an actual relationship. not that its a bad thing at all. but he's 31 and its not something you hear about often. he's going to a certain school in july for 10 weeks in texas and then another school in new mexico for 3 months and then is going back to NC to pack his house and get restationed either is vegas or new mexico. and he's been hinting that he wants me to fly out to see him when he's in Texas.
I've been thinking about it. and I wonder what would come out of it. its hard to think about I guess. my guard is so up and I'm so so confused lately. I'm going to continue to talk to mark. he's really a nice guy. and I don't believe he has any hidden agenda at all. I'm taking it one day at a time.
as for the convertible. it needs a water pump and a motor for the windows. its going to cost like 600. i need to start saving money for it. its just hard right now. I have no idea how to do anything with money anymore. I can't seem to save a goddamn thing anymore. I need a second job really. but I can't yet because I have school during the days so that's hard.
ugh. really ugh. everything is ugh.
Friday I took off work and spent the night with Tim. he got a hotel and I called into work. we had sex all night. cuddled. it was like we were together again. it felt so right. I knew it wouldn't last and I knew I'd have to go home the next morning. but I enjoyed every bit. I knew it was our last night ever being together again in that way because he leaves for Kentucky at the end of this week I believe. last night I drove to base and we cleaned our cars out and traded. he wanted my truck and I took his convertible.
as we we're cleaning out his car there was some panties in his car and he laughed and said they were mine. they looked like mine but I didn't pick them up to look. and I walked around the car and just started crying my eyes out. literally balling. not because of the panties but because I love him. every part of me loves him. we talked and hugged and I sobbed the whole way home. he said we could go out to dinner before he leaves. I am not sure if that's a good idea. I'm already heart wrenched about this. and a final actual goodbye would mentally destroy me right now. but its closure and so I guess I'll do it if he asks.
onto other things. last month I signed up for a dating website in the north carolina area. and a few stupid people talked to me but then two nice guys mark and alan got my attention. mark is 31 never been married no kids in the airforce owns his own house has his life together. alan is 26 divorced ptsd getting out of the marines next year. both good guys. well alan was saying two days ago that he has a single marine roommate and wants to know if I had any single friends for him. so I said yes and texted Tamara's picture and number. so they drive to her work to meet her and I'm excited because I tell her to check out alan for me and make sure he's worth waiting for.
turns the fuck out that alan went to her work alone and then has texted her all day and they went out on a coffee date tonight. what. the. fuck. what. the. fuck. jesus. fucking people seriously. I'm mad at both of them. I told her to stop talking to him or I'm going to be upset with her and I told him he's a fucking dick and that I am not talking to a dirt bag like him any longer. duech bag piece of shit mother fucker.
okay. okay. so mark likes me a lot. he's a sweet guy. I'm a little confused about his relationship history. he makes it sound like he's never really been in an actual relationship. not that its a bad thing at all. but he's 31 and its not something you hear about often. he's going to a certain school in july for 10 weeks in texas and then another school in new mexico for 3 months and then is going back to NC to pack his house and get restationed either is vegas or new mexico. and he's been hinting that he wants me to fly out to see him when he's in Texas.
I've been thinking about it. and I wonder what would come out of it. its hard to think about I guess. my guard is so up and I'm so so confused lately. I'm going to continue to talk to mark. he's really a nice guy. and I don't believe he has any hidden agenda at all. I'm taking it one day at a time.
as for the convertible. it needs a water pump and a motor for the windows. its going to cost like 600. i need to start saving money for it. its just hard right now. I have no idea how to do anything with money anymore. I can't seem to save a goddamn thing anymore. I need a second job really. but I can't yet because I have school during the days so that's hard.
ugh. really ugh. everything is ugh.