I can't read the future, but I still want to hold you close right now, I need that from you...
Last night I went to dinner with Tim. I thought he had moved away to Kentucky already, because he was supposed to take terminal last month. But I guess he waited until his EAS which is May 10th. We had a good dinner, we joked around and it was very light hearted. We went to Kmart to buy cat food for jasper, and then we walked back to the cars. I gave him a hug, and he wrapped his arms around me and I sank my head into his neck. I started crying so hard. I couldn't stop. My heart hurt so bad. I have no idea what was going on, but I just couldn't handle it anymore. I told him I loved him and I didnt want him to go without me. I thought that I had gotten past that.
Apparently not.
He got into his car, and I got into mine, and I just couldn't start it. I cried and cried. My chest hurt so much from the pain in my heart. It was awful. I was so sad. I finally started my car and left. I cried the entire way home. He texted and said he loved me but he hurt me like no man should ever hurt me, and he cannot ever do that to me again. That he wont take me with him because he cannot forgive himself for what he had done to me.
OY.
I got home and went into the bathroom before anyone could see me, and I cleaned my face. I came out and my aunt was outside on the patio and I went out too and had a cigarette. He kept texting me telling me he loves me and it was so good seeing me today, and he had missed me, missed being silly and said how beautiful I was. I couldn't control myself and I kept crying. I cried for like three hours straight. Gut wrenching cries. My face is swollen from all the tears yesterday. And when I think about it still, I cant help but cry.
I keep taking deep breaths and telling myself it is better this way. It is happening for a reason. All of this is happening for a reason. He was put in my life to make me a stronger person. I just have to keep telling myself that. And maybe one day I will get over him. Which is funny because I thought that I was over him. I just recently started to think about him in fact, the other day, just about the good times we had when we were together. And then I texted him, and he said it was funny, because he texted my old number 10 minutes earlier to see how I was.
I guess it just doesn't help that I have been single for the past 6 months, and I keep thinking I find someone, and they turn out to be assholes. Roddick, fucking prick. Taylor, I have no idea what went on, and why he went away the way he did.
I am putting my plans in motion to move to NC in the fall. School is almost over thank god. I graduate June 30th if I can pass my math CAHSEE test. I pray and pray that I pass it, because I will be upset doing all this work for nothing, seriously. GRR. I cant wait to get a second job, and start saving money to move out there. I am guessing I will have to save like 2500. For gas to get there, and then to pay rent at Tamaras moms house, and have money left until I get a job. I have no way around getting a second job at this point, unless I want to prolong my going there until next year around this time.
I also need to get back on track with this losing weight thing. I have been 227 for like two months now. I just cant seem to get over this "hump" I bought some ground turkey, so I can just start eating that. Hopefully I will shed at least 10 lbs before graduation in June. I just want to be 180. Thats my set goal. I was a size 17/18 when I was 180. And I looked tiny, so that is my goal. So I have like 45 or so lbs to go. I hope to lose that before I move to NC. Tamara isn't losing any weight she said, but she is getting dates left and right. So I hope I have the same luck once I move there.
Well not really that same luck, but, some luck in at least not being lonely. But her and kayden will keep me busy until I get a job. I just am not sure if moving there is the right thing. But I cant stay here anymore, California really hurts me. Everything in California hurts me. Memories of John and Tim, and knowing that I have accomplished nothing while being here. Its just a lot to handle right now. I don't know what I will do once I am in NC, but anything is better then here.
Right?
Apparently not.
He got into his car, and I got into mine, and I just couldn't start it. I cried and cried. My chest hurt so much from the pain in my heart. It was awful. I was so sad. I finally started my car and left. I cried the entire way home. He texted and said he loved me but he hurt me like no man should ever hurt me, and he cannot ever do that to me again. That he wont take me with him because he cannot forgive himself for what he had done to me.
OY.
I got home and went into the bathroom before anyone could see me, and I cleaned my face. I came out and my aunt was outside on the patio and I went out too and had a cigarette. He kept texting me telling me he loves me and it was so good seeing me today, and he had missed me, missed being silly and said how beautiful I was. I couldn't control myself and I kept crying. I cried for like three hours straight. Gut wrenching cries. My face is swollen from all the tears yesterday. And when I think about it still, I cant help but cry.
I keep taking deep breaths and telling myself it is better this way. It is happening for a reason. All of this is happening for a reason. He was put in my life to make me a stronger person. I just have to keep telling myself that. And maybe one day I will get over him. Which is funny because I thought that I was over him. I just recently started to think about him in fact, the other day, just about the good times we had when we were together. And then I texted him, and he said it was funny, because he texted my old number 10 minutes earlier to see how I was.
I guess it just doesn't help that I have been single for the past 6 months, and I keep thinking I find someone, and they turn out to be assholes. Roddick, fucking prick. Taylor, I have no idea what went on, and why he went away the way he did.
I am putting my plans in motion to move to NC in the fall. School is almost over thank god. I graduate June 30th if I can pass my math CAHSEE test. I pray and pray that I pass it, because I will be upset doing all this work for nothing, seriously. GRR. I cant wait to get a second job, and start saving money to move out there. I am guessing I will have to save like 2500. For gas to get there, and then to pay rent at Tamaras moms house, and have money left until I get a job. I have no way around getting a second job at this point, unless I want to prolong my going there until next year around this time.
I also need to get back on track with this losing weight thing. I have been 227 for like two months now. I just cant seem to get over this "hump" I bought some ground turkey, so I can just start eating that. Hopefully I will shed at least 10 lbs before graduation in June. I just want to be 180. Thats my set goal. I was a size 17/18 when I was 180. And I looked tiny, so that is my goal. So I have like 45 or so lbs to go. I hope to lose that before I move to NC. Tamara isn't losing any weight she said, but she is getting dates left and right. So I hope I have the same luck once I move there.
Well not really that same luck, but, some luck in at least not being lonely. But her and kayden will keep me busy until I get a job. I just am not sure if moving there is the right thing. But I cant stay here anymore, California really hurts me. Everything in California hurts me. Memories of John and Tim, and knowing that I have accomplished nothing while being here. Its just a lot to handle right now. I don't know what I will do once I am in NC, but anything is better then here.
Right?