Some blah-de-blah from me.
Hello hellooooo!
So many updates, so little time. So many questions, so few answers. But what is the state of fandom? Where is it going, where is it headed, what is its major deal right now? I want to know. Are people still crazy about Sherlock for instance? I know I am not, and that was a true fall from grace (for Sherlock, not me, ha ha!). Teen Wolf? Drama-rama or Best Slash Writing ever? I may have LOST my slash goggles... um what? I watch things and can't see slash EVERYWHERE. That's weird. It has to literally be up in my face for me to see it, and then I go, "eh."
Who am I? Hahahaha. (I posited to another fangirl that getting laid a lot was truly detrimental to my fannish/fantasy/writerly life. I've seen it happen before.)
I re-read an old entry which said:
...some days I self-loathe in a manner befitting a disturbed person, of which I am no longer technically one. I still have really down moments. Coupled with fear that the Depression is back, or will continue to dog my footsteps. Then I have really great moments, where life seems colorful again, I can breathe, and sometimes I feel joy with family or friends, or just a pretty view.
I'd say that is still pretty accurate, and maybe that's the way things will be for a while.
I also read past entries about my dating life, which is DIFFERENT now, but I guess not that different, really. The Brit is still in the picture. He's like, the big picture. But scalable. We were trying to keep it cool, keep it casual, not get super involved because The Brit (TB) is leaving for Buffalo to get his Doctorate in Theater(re) this month. Naturally, because I am so awesome, he became attached, but I did too. You know how much I love British things, amirite?
So. Lots of stress re: the leaving. I kept saying "Buffalo is not that far." He kept saying "I don't want to make any promises, I don't want to let you down." We both kept saying "Long distance relationships don't work and totally suck." He recently had a long-d relationship that got fucked up. BUT. The girl was 25 and he left her in Georgia and he's not leaving me -- I'm staying in NYC, while he goes to Buffalo, for fuck's sake -- I am happy with my life here. I also don't want him to stay... have never asked that, because I'm genuinely excited about this program he'll be doing and all the directing he'll get to do and the future he wants for himself. It would be nice if he didn't have to live hand-to-mouth and could earn a living as a teacher / full-time director / writer / expert / professor. He's 42 and feels like this is his last chance to make something of himself doing what he loves and the only thing he can do.
Part of me is reminded about the Former Mr A (FMA) and how I encouraged him to pursue what he loves - cooking - and then he hared off and became a successful chef and was no longer accessible to me or the marriage, more on that later, much later). But as I am not TB's ex-wife, or his 25-year-old long-distance gf, OR anyone but myself... TB is not FMA. Not by a long shot. However we are both a product of our past experiences and that makes us cautious but also AWARE.
Yeah, right.. I tell myself so many things and then lose my shit and get weird. Ha. You didn't expect me to be NORMAL right?
Anyhoo. The GIRL I dated for a bit is now a really good friend. She is also the sort of friend that, when it looked like TB and I were breaking up, hugged me, drank a metric fuckton of whisky with me and then when we made out, she didn't mention it the next day. THAT'S a friend, my friends. She's an oddball, has a lot of drama, and I really like her. I hope we are friends for a really long time.
The COUPLE I had a "date" with (remember, I dated the guy, and we had chemistry, then he got back together with his wife, and she saw my OKC profile and thought I was hot, and we all met and it was way weird for me and I was like, "no" because he had cheated on her a lot and awkward...) ... they are back in the picture, albeit not sexually because, well, because. Ian contacted me when Ilana wanted a "break," and I said I was seeing someone but I did offer "talk" and be friends and stuff and we had dinner (but that's it). Ilana came back and Ian said he'd been "in touch" with me and she was pleased, so we all had dinner, music and drinks the other night (as friends). They are making me dinner tomorrow night and I'm just going with it, because they obviously want to pursue a friendship with me and have even invited TB along! Also since I know I don't want to sleep with them, I feel it's good for me to be okay with situations where I can assert what I want rather than try to please everyone and end up feeling awkward. RUN ON SENTENCES ACCURATELY DESCRIBE MY RUN ON STATE OF MIND.
The guy I've referred to as the "short guy" is still in the picture as well. I can't seem to make enemies. We are friends, but I know he wants more, but is frustrated that he can't have it. So that's not going well, since I get anxious whenever we've made plans. I also feel that he is not as hmmm, interactive? Present? I feel I do most of the talking and he makes jokes that I am supposed to laugh at, but we don't laugh together, you know? I may "break up" with him as a friend, although he's not a bad person, he's a great person, very interesting.
Thanks for listening, f-list. That's the State of the Unions, ha!
If you wanted to,you could read this entry on Dreamwidth too, friend me there, or you know, bake a cake. Whatever you like. (
comments)
So many updates, so little time. So many questions, so few answers. But what is the state of fandom? Where is it going, where is it headed, what is its major deal right now? I want to know. Are people still crazy about Sherlock for instance? I know I am not, and that was a true fall from grace (for Sherlock, not me, ha ha!). Teen Wolf? Drama-rama or Best Slash Writing ever? I may have LOST my slash goggles... um what? I watch things and can't see slash EVERYWHERE. That's weird. It has to literally be up in my face for me to see it, and then I go, "eh."
Who am I? Hahahaha. (I posited to another fangirl that getting laid a lot was truly detrimental to my fannish/fantasy/writerly life. I've seen it happen before.)
I re-read an old entry which said:
...some days I self-loathe in a manner befitting a disturbed person, of which I am no longer technically one. I still have really down moments. Coupled with fear that the Depression is back, or will continue to dog my footsteps. Then I have really great moments, where life seems colorful again, I can breathe, and sometimes I feel joy with family or friends, or just a pretty view.
I'd say that is still pretty accurate, and maybe that's the way things will be for a while.
I also read past entries about my dating life, which is DIFFERENT now, but I guess not that different, really. The Brit is still in the picture. He's like, the big picture. But scalable. We were trying to keep it cool, keep it casual, not get super involved because The Brit (TB) is leaving for Buffalo to get his Doctorate in Theater(re) this month. Naturally, because I am so awesome, he became attached, but I did too. You know how much I love British things, amirite?
So. Lots of stress re: the leaving. I kept saying "Buffalo is not that far." He kept saying "I don't want to make any promises, I don't want to let you down." We both kept saying "Long distance relationships don't work and totally suck." He recently had a long-d relationship that got fucked up. BUT. The girl was 25 and he left her in Georgia and he's not leaving me -- I'm staying in NYC, while he goes to Buffalo, for fuck's sake -- I am happy with my life here. I also don't want him to stay... have never asked that, because I'm genuinely excited about this program he'll be doing and all the directing he'll get to do and the future he wants for himself. It would be nice if he didn't have to live hand-to-mouth and could earn a living as a teacher / full-time director / writer / expert / professor. He's 42 and feels like this is his last chance to make something of himself doing what he loves and the only thing he can do.
Part of me is reminded about the Former Mr A (FMA) and how I encouraged him to pursue what he loves - cooking - and then he hared off and became a successful chef and was no longer accessible to me or the marriage, more on that later, much later). But as I am not TB's ex-wife, or his 25-year-old long-distance gf, OR anyone but myself... TB is not FMA. Not by a long shot. However we are both a product of our past experiences and that makes us cautious but also AWARE.
Yeah, right.. I tell myself so many things and then lose my shit and get weird. Ha. You didn't expect me to be NORMAL right?
Anyhoo. The GIRL I dated for a bit is now a really good friend. She is also the sort of friend that, when it looked like TB and I were breaking up, hugged me, drank a metric fuckton of whisky with me and then when we made out, she didn't mention it the next day. THAT'S a friend, my friends. She's an oddball, has a lot of drama, and I really like her. I hope we are friends for a really long time.
The COUPLE I had a "date" with (remember, I dated the guy, and we had chemistry, then he got back together with his wife, and she saw my OKC profile and thought I was hot, and we all met and it was way weird for me and I was like, "no" because he had cheated on her a lot and awkward...) ... they are back in the picture, albeit not sexually because, well, because. Ian contacted me when Ilana wanted a "break," and I said I was seeing someone but I did offer "talk" and be friends and stuff and we had dinner (but that's it). Ilana came back and Ian said he'd been "in touch" with me and she was pleased, so we all had dinner, music and drinks the other night (as friends). They are making me dinner tomorrow night and I'm just going with it, because they obviously want to pursue a friendship with me and have even invited TB along! Also since I know I don't want to sleep with them, I feel it's good for me to be okay with situations where I can assert what I want rather than try to please everyone and end up feeling awkward. RUN ON SENTENCES ACCURATELY DESCRIBE MY RUN ON STATE OF MIND.
The guy I've referred to as the "short guy" is still in the picture as well. I can't seem to make enemies. We are friends, but I know he wants more, but is frustrated that he can't have it. So that's not going well, since I get anxious whenever we've made plans. I also feel that he is not as hmmm, interactive? Present? I feel I do most of the talking and he makes jokes that I am supposed to laugh at, but we don't laugh together, you know? I may "break up" with him as a friend, although he's not a bad person, he's a great person, very interesting.
Thanks for listening, f-list. That's the State of the Unions, ha!
If you wanted to,you could read this entry on Dreamwidth too, friend me there, or you know, bake a cake. Whatever you like. (
comments)