(no subject)

[aliyaskie]

when i was younger (like, high school), i had this nightgown that i *loved*. i think it was a hand-me-down from my mom (a little weird, but whatever), and it looked a little like this but longer, like, ankle length. and i just loved it. i wore it every summer, every night for like, three years, long past it barely fitting me anymore, and until it wore out. and i don't know what made me think of it, just now tonight, but i miss it. i miss that feeling of having something to look forward to wearing. maybe it's that i've had a little bit to drink and i've been reading fanfic and it's making me just a little moody and lonely and lame. i'm not really sure. i know i want a vacation, and right now the only time off i have planned is to go to the city with sue & lj to see rent again in august (adam pascal & anthony rapp are back in the show, which is AWESOME!!), but i want desperately to go out on the road again. (which sounds totally lame, but i can't help it: that's what i want.) this is just one of those moments, i guess, where i want everything i don't have and nothing i do. and i'm not really sure what to do with that, right now, in this time and place where i'm overall completely content with everything in my life. but how much of that contentment is just fear of the unknown? who the fuck knows. i don't know much right this second, i'll tell you that. i know i don't have the money to do what i want to do, and i owe too many people too many things (and not just money), and i don't know how to fix the money thing or the wanting thing. i know i'm reading about sassy and i *am* remembering, i'm remembering all of those feelings of being able to do anything and WANTING to do *everything*. and i know that i started drinking to get to sleep and to try to feel happier, but it appears as though it's making every inch of my being vibrate with energy, but sad energy. i can't help but think that i should've gone northnorthnorth this weekend, to the berkshires, maybe, to go to tanglewood and wander around before it opens for the season. or maybe it's already open for the season and i'm too late to be able to go and wander around the grounds the way that i love, so much to do. and maybe i'm destined to just keep returning to the comforts i knew in my youth, the things that made everything okay again and brought me back to who i was and where i was going. there've been so many people i've wanted to share that memory with and it's really only two or three of the really, really important people i've gotten to share it with, and it's sad to me, now, that i can't just like, transfer that feeling to everyone via osmosis or something. because i have no words, when i'm there, or when i'm thinking about being there, to describe the beauty of the grounds and what it does to me to be there, where i ran and played when i was a girl, where i dreamed and hoped and wanted. i don't know how it does it, but i wanted everything and nothing all at once, because i had hope, there. i had such confidence that i would have everything i would ever want.

.....and now i'm babbling. sorry, folks. i'm wallowing and it's not pretty, so i'll just stop now. (amazing what a few shots of tequila'll do to a girl late in the depths of a hot summer night, eh?) i just.....i guess i miss that feeling that everything'll be okay. i still feel it, most of the time. but it lacks conviction, i think, now. there's just.....too much else, going on, right now. and it's daunting, the not knowing. it's weird, i always used to stay so focused on the immediate future, i never knew -- or worried about -- what was coming two weeks from now, let alone stretching into the next year. now, suddenly, immediately, i'm thinking about next month, next year, two years, five. and i don't have the slightest who i want to be then, and it's actually daunting. and i don't know what to do, or even how to go about figuring it out. but it's okay. it'll all be okay. right?