Super Junior: Failproof Matchmaking In 8 Steps, According To Kim Heechul
Title: Failproof Matchmaking In 8 Steps, According To Kim Heechul aka HOW TO GET THE BLIND FUCKERS TO NOT BE BLIND
Author: papered
Fandom: Super Junior
Characters/Pairings: Kihae, Sihanchul
Rating: PG
Word Count: 1830
Notes: remix of meiface's new experiences for the new year, written for the best remix challenge ever. (I also make the worst fic choices in the world because mei just posted her sequel, which I didn't realize she was writing until a few hours ago, ;O;!) thank you to panpipe and black_goose for the betaing/moral support/being ridiculously helpful. ♥ you can also all thank goose for the most perfect subtitle in the world.
1.
There seemed to be a general rule that everyone in the university dorms either a.) loved, b.) hated, or c.) were terrified of Kim Heechul. There wasn't a single person who hadn't heard of him, and even those who claimed to hate him with the fire of a thousand burning suns (but not to his face, of course) couldn't help but secretly admire him. Heechul himself couldn't really be bothered to care what others thought of him and went around doing scandalous things just to see people's reactions, but for some unfathomable reason, that seemed to only fuel his popularity.
Heechul wasn't exactly known for his patience or tolerance either, and so it was hardly surprising that most of the students who fell into the aforementioned "terrified" category were first years. Newcomers were either quiet as a mouse or tried to suck up, and either way, they ended up going through at least a year of being at Heechul's beck and call.
Which was why when Kim Kibum walked into the dorms and calmly refused to go downstairs and buy Heechul a coffee when he demanded caffeine, everyone held their breath and prepared for a slaughter.
Instead, Heechul just paused thoughtfully before raising an eyebrow and declaring that Kibum was going to have dinner with him and his friends. The story spread through the gossip mill like wildfire. A week later, everyone knew that Heechul had taken a liking to Kibum, and watched enviously as the youngest student went to all the social events everyone wanted to but couldn't attend. In reality, it was more like Heechul being a firm believer of being entertained, and Kibum getting dragged along because the redhead had decided that watching Kibum make his way through all the parties he had no interest in actually attending would be amusing, if nothing else.
("... why can't you just take someone who actually wants to go and leave me alone? What if I have plans?"
Heechul waved a perfectly manicured hand at him dismissively and completely ignored his question.
Kibum sighed and let it go, because he'd quickly learned that where Heechul was involved, you really had no choice but to pick your battles.)
2.
One day, about halfway into term, Heechul decided that Kibum needed a boyfriend.
"It's the lack of sex - it's making you even more annoying than usual," Heechul told him imperiously after taking a sip out of his soda without asking. "Be sure to find someone hot though. No one can hold a candle next to me, of course, but we need more hot people to sit with during dinner."
"Fuck you, hyung," Kibum had said in response.
Two weeks later, when it became clear that the younger man wasn't going to listen to his expert advice, Heechul had no choice but to take matters into his own hands. It was for Kibum's own good, of course.
He put his brilliant plans into action at the frat party three days later. It hadn't taken long to decide on a proper candidate: Lee Donghae was easygoing and hyperactive and it was obvious to anyone with eyes that he had a sickening crush on Kibum. It also helped that he was fairly good-looking and passed any appearance standards Heechul had with flying colours.
("akdfjfakjskjfs," Donghae told him excitedly over IM. "oh my god, hyung, really? i owe you so much i would never get this chance otherwise. :'D"
Heechul knew that very well, thank you very much. He made sure to tell Donghae so smugly.
"but what should i do? what should i say? because it's going to be really awkward if i just walked up to him and said that i liked him, because he probably doesn't even know who i am and then he'll think that i'm really creepy or something -"
"no," Heechul said decisively, cutting Donghae off before he could fill up the whole window with his rambling. "you're going to pretend you don't know who he is."
"what? but hyung, then i'll just be a random stranger!"
"as far as kibum is concerned, you are a random stranger," Heechul told him bluntly. "now, are you going to make this up as you go and have kibum think you're a stalker, or are you going to do it my way and get into his pants?"
Needless to say, it wasn't much of a question at all.)
3.
A few hours before the party, he got a text from Donghae.
what if he doesn't like me :X
Heechul glared at his phone, because seriously what was wrong with the boy. wtf u sound like a 12 year old girl, he texted back, hitting the reply button rather vigorously.
)':
just do what i told u. & be more assertive
assertive? DD:!
Heechul could practically see the unhappiness radiating off the message. u'll be fine, he texted back, grudgingly admitting that yelling at Donghae now probably wouldn't help the plan. just remember, every man wants to be dominated.
He snapped his phone shut with a satisfied click and proceeded to pull Kibum into his room to do what Heechul called "fixing his face".
Halfway through, his cell beeped loudly. Glancing down at the display screen, Heechul smirked.
okay hyung i'll do what u said ):
4.
An hour into the party, everyone started periodically checking the main doors, because everyone knew that Kim Heechul always swept in fashionably late.
Meanwhile, Donghae was having a mental breakdown.
"Oh my god, I can't do this," he flailed, ignoring the half-drunk girl leering at him from across the room and waving his arms around to express the full extent of his displeasure. "Why did I let Heechul talk me into this? Oh my god."
Hankyung patted his back sympathetically and spoke with all the experience of someone who'd been pulled into Heechul's "brilliant plans" far too many times. "You'll be okay, Donghae. Heechul's plans always work out, somehow. Um, here, why don't you go get a drink."
"I think I need one," Donghae sputtered nervously, not noticing the vaguely guilty expression on Hankyung's face.
The front door chose to open three cups of alcohol later, and Donghae banged his head hard against Hankyung's chin as he shot up. Everyone froze for a second before the whispers started, because oh my god did you see, how did Heechul-oppa managed to get that limited edition designer jacket and he's so good-looking! and look, who's the boy with him?
By then, the world was a pleasantly buzzing haze, but even that wasn't enough to provide much of a distraction. Donghae took one look at Kibum's roughly tousled hair and the tight tight jeans hanging low on those hips and knew that he was in way over his head.
"What are you doing," Hankyung asked in confusion, rubbing at his bruised chin as Donghae pulled him back out of sight behind one of the counters.
"I am going to die," Donghae told him sadly.
5.
Kim Heechul loved being the center of attention. He was actually a bit of an attention-whore, but proud of it, thank you very much, because it wasn't anyone who could make heads turn just by walking into a room. This was why he always walked into social events at least fifty minutes late, because there was nothing more satisfying than sweeping in and hearing conversation stop at his appearance.
Grabbing a cup of red wine off the table, Heechul proceeded to turn on the flirting while scanning the room for Hankyung and Donghae, who weren't in sight even though Heechul had specifically told them to be somewhere where he could see them and where the fuck were they.
Making sure Kibum couldn't see what he was doing, he pulled out his cell. if i don't see u and hae in the next 5 seconds ur sleeping on the couch tonight
He leered at the sight of Hankyung dragging a protesting Donghae out from around the counter on the other side of the room barely half a second later.
Seeing that Kibum was still trailing after him, Heechul smirked and turned to the fraternity member standing two feet to his left, just where Heechul had told him to be. "Siwon," he said, positively purring the greeting as he walked up to him, sweeping the girls at his side off without hesitation.
"Heechul-hyung!" The boy dimpled at him, half-bowing. "I hope you've been doing well!"
"Enough with the pleasantries," Heechul said when he was close enough that only Siwon could hear him. "Did you do what I said and clear the kitchens?"
"Of course, hyung," Siwon said, but with a small frown. "Though I'm still not sure what you're doing is a good idea. It doesn't feel right."
"Of course it's a good idea; it's my plan, isn't it?" Heechul waved Siwon's comment off dismissively. "Whatever, you can take the moral higher ground. I'll have the public porn."
"Hyung!" Siwon hissed, looking scandalized.
Heechul ignored him in favor of watching Donghae stumble right into Kibum with a nervous laugh that actually sounded halfway natural and spill beer all over taller boy. It looked like Hankyung had followed his instructions to supply Donghae with enough alcohol to stop him from behaving like an awkward social disaster after all.
"God, I'm such a genius," he announced out loud, watching Donghae drag Kibum into the kitchen before stalking towards Hankyung (who was still on the other side of the room). Siwon trailed after him, eyes turned helplessly towards the ceiling.
Heechul dismissed both of their disbelieving looks in favor of pulling them in the direction of an empty cupboard he'd seen earlier by the back door.
6.
"Hyung, this is a closet! We can't do this here, it's against my religimphhh - "
There was really only one way to shut Siwon up, Heechul thought smugly, and turned to pull off Hankyung's jacket.
7.
"Fuck," Kibum swore against Donghae's lips before seemingly giving in and pulling him closer.
He really needed to thank Heechul-hyung later, Donghae thought happily as he hooked his fingers into Kibum's belt loops.
8.
The best part about the whole thing, Heechul thinks to himself a week later, is that Donghae has agreed to be his personal slave for the next two months, and although Kibum still doesn't know his newest relationship is entirely due to Heechul's genius, he's pretty much automatically indebted to Heechul for life.
He also takes every opportunity to tease them until Donghae is red in the face (it's a pity that Kibum is pretty much unflappable). It makes Hankyung shake his head, while Siwon frowns and earnestly tells him that hyung, you really shouldn't! Heechul disregards them both, because after all, he got them together - he should be able to get his daily entertainment out of them as well.
("Hey," Heechul says to Hankyung one day. "Is it just me, or does Seasoning look like he needs a boyfriend?"
Hankyung sighs.)
fic started: January 24, 2009
fic finished: June 15, 2009
+ Feedback would be greatly appreciated.
+ Like what you've read? Please friend!
Author: papered
Fandom: Super Junior
Characters/Pairings: Kihae, Sihanchul
Rating: PG
Word Count: 1830
Notes: remix of meiface's new experiences for the new year, written for the best remix challenge ever. (I also make the worst fic choices in the world because mei just posted her sequel, which I didn't realize she was writing until a few hours ago, ;O;!) thank you to panpipe and black_goose for the betaing/moral support/being ridiculously helpful. ♥ you can also all thank goose for the most perfect subtitle in the world.
1.
There seemed to be a general rule that everyone in the university dorms either a.) loved, b.) hated, or c.) were terrified of Kim Heechul. There wasn't a single person who hadn't heard of him, and even those who claimed to hate him with the fire of a thousand burning suns (but not to his face, of course) couldn't help but secretly admire him. Heechul himself couldn't really be bothered to care what others thought of him and went around doing scandalous things just to see people's reactions, but for some unfathomable reason, that seemed to only fuel his popularity.
Heechul wasn't exactly known for his patience or tolerance either, and so it was hardly surprising that most of the students who fell into the aforementioned "terrified" category were first years. Newcomers were either quiet as a mouse or tried to suck up, and either way, they ended up going through at least a year of being at Heechul's beck and call.
Which was why when Kim Kibum walked into the dorms and calmly refused to go downstairs and buy Heechul a coffee when he demanded caffeine, everyone held their breath and prepared for a slaughter.
Instead, Heechul just paused thoughtfully before raising an eyebrow and declaring that Kibum was going to have dinner with him and his friends. The story spread through the gossip mill like wildfire. A week later, everyone knew that Heechul had taken a liking to Kibum, and watched enviously as the youngest student went to all the social events everyone wanted to but couldn't attend. In reality, it was more like Heechul being a firm believer of being entertained, and Kibum getting dragged along because the redhead had decided that watching Kibum make his way through all the parties he had no interest in actually attending would be amusing, if nothing else.
("... why can't you just take someone who actually wants to go and leave me alone? What if I have plans?"
Heechul waved a perfectly manicured hand at him dismissively and completely ignored his question.
Kibum sighed and let it go, because he'd quickly learned that where Heechul was involved, you really had no choice but to pick your battles.)
2.
One day, about halfway into term, Heechul decided that Kibum needed a boyfriend.
"It's the lack of sex - it's making you even more annoying than usual," Heechul told him imperiously after taking a sip out of his soda without asking. "Be sure to find someone hot though. No one can hold a candle next to me, of course, but we need more hot people to sit with during dinner."
"Fuck you, hyung," Kibum had said in response.
Two weeks later, when it became clear that the younger man wasn't going to listen to his expert advice, Heechul had no choice but to take matters into his own hands. It was for Kibum's own good, of course.
He put his brilliant plans into action at the frat party three days later. It hadn't taken long to decide on a proper candidate: Lee Donghae was easygoing and hyperactive and it was obvious to anyone with eyes that he had a sickening crush on Kibum. It also helped that he was fairly good-looking and passed any appearance standards Heechul had with flying colours.
("akdfjfakjskjfs," Donghae told him excitedly over IM. "oh my god, hyung, really? i owe you so much i would never get this chance otherwise. :'D"
Heechul knew that very well, thank you very much. He made sure to tell Donghae so smugly.
"but what should i do? what should i say? because it's going to be really awkward if i just walked up to him and said that i liked him, because he probably doesn't even know who i am and then he'll think that i'm really creepy or something -"
"no," Heechul said decisively, cutting Donghae off before he could fill up the whole window with his rambling. "you're going to pretend you don't know who he is."
"what? but hyung, then i'll just be a random stranger!"
"as far as kibum is concerned, you are a random stranger," Heechul told him bluntly. "now, are you going to make this up as you go and have kibum think you're a stalker, or are you going to do it my way and get into his pants?"
Needless to say, it wasn't much of a question at all.)
3.
A few hours before the party, he got a text from Donghae.
what if he doesn't like me :X
Heechul glared at his phone, because seriously what was wrong with the boy. wtf u sound like a 12 year old girl, he texted back, hitting the reply button rather vigorously.
)':
just do what i told u. & be more assertive
assertive? DD:!
Heechul could practically see the unhappiness radiating off the message. u'll be fine, he texted back, grudgingly admitting that yelling at Donghae now probably wouldn't help the plan. just remember, every man wants to be dominated.
He snapped his phone shut with a satisfied click and proceeded to pull Kibum into his room to do what Heechul called "fixing his face".
Halfway through, his cell beeped loudly. Glancing down at the display screen, Heechul smirked.
okay hyung i'll do what u said ):
4.
An hour into the party, everyone started periodically checking the main doors, because everyone knew that Kim Heechul always swept in fashionably late.
Meanwhile, Donghae was having a mental breakdown.
"Oh my god, I can't do this," he flailed, ignoring the half-drunk girl leering at him from across the room and waving his arms around to express the full extent of his displeasure. "Why did I let Heechul talk me into this? Oh my god."
Hankyung patted his back sympathetically and spoke with all the experience of someone who'd been pulled into Heechul's "brilliant plans" far too many times. "You'll be okay, Donghae. Heechul's plans always work out, somehow. Um, here, why don't you go get a drink."
"I think I need one," Donghae sputtered nervously, not noticing the vaguely guilty expression on Hankyung's face.
The front door chose to open three cups of alcohol later, and Donghae banged his head hard against Hankyung's chin as he shot up. Everyone froze for a second before the whispers started, because oh my god did you see, how did Heechul-oppa managed to get that limited edition designer jacket and he's so good-looking! and look, who's the boy with him?
By then, the world was a pleasantly buzzing haze, but even that wasn't enough to provide much of a distraction. Donghae took one look at Kibum's roughly tousled hair and the tight tight jeans hanging low on those hips and knew that he was in way over his head.
"What are you doing," Hankyung asked in confusion, rubbing at his bruised chin as Donghae pulled him back out of sight behind one of the counters.
"I am going to die," Donghae told him sadly.
5.
Kim Heechul loved being the center of attention. He was actually a bit of an attention-whore, but proud of it, thank you very much, because it wasn't anyone who could make heads turn just by walking into a room. This was why he always walked into social events at least fifty minutes late, because there was nothing more satisfying than sweeping in and hearing conversation stop at his appearance.
Grabbing a cup of red wine off the table, Heechul proceeded to turn on the flirting while scanning the room for Hankyung and Donghae, who weren't in sight even though Heechul had specifically told them to be somewhere where he could see them and where the fuck were they.
Making sure Kibum couldn't see what he was doing, he pulled out his cell. if i don't see u and hae in the next 5 seconds ur sleeping on the couch tonight
He leered at the sight of Hankyung dragging a protesting Donghae out from around the counter on the other side of the room barely half a second later.
Seeing that Kibum was still trailing after him, Heechul smirked and turned to the fraternity member standing two feet to his left, just where Heechul had told him to be. "Siwon," he said, positively purring the greeting as he walked up to him, sweeping the girls at his side off without hesitation.
"Heechul-hyung!" The boy dimpled at him, half-bowing. "I hope you've been doing well!"
"Enough with the pleasantries," Heechul said when he was close enough that only Siwon could hear him. "Did you do what I said and clear the kitchens?"
"Of course, hyung," Siwon said, but with a small frown. "Though I'm still not sure what you're doing is a good idea. It doesn't feel right."
"Of course it's a good idea; it's my plan, isn't it?" Heechul waved Siwon's comment off dismissively. "Whatever, you can take the moral higher ground. I'll have the public porn."
"Hyung!" Siwon hissed, looking scandalized.
Heechul ignored him in favor of watching Donghae stumble right into Kibum with a nervous laugh that actually sounded halfway natural and spill beer all over taller boy. It looked like Hankyung had followed his instructions to supply Donghae with enough alcohol to stop him from behaving like an awkward social disaster after all.
"God, I'm such a genius," he announced out loud, watching Donghae drag Kibum into the kitchen before stalking towards Hankyung (who was still on the other side of the room). Siwon trailed after him, eyes turned helplessly towards the ceiling.
Heechul dismissed both of their disbelieving looks in favor of pulling them in the direction of an empty cupboard he'd seen earlier by the back door.
6.
"Hyung, this is a closet! We can't do this here, it's against my religimphhh - "
There was really only one way to shut Siwon up, Heechul thought smugly, and turned to pull off Hankyung's jacket.
7.
"Fuck," Kibum swore against Donghae's lips before seemingly giving in and pulling him closer.
He really needed to thank Heechul-hyung later, Donghae thought happily as he hooked his fingers into Kibum's belt loops.
8.
The best part about the whole thing, Heechul thinks to himself a week later, is that Donghae has agreed to be his personal slave for the next two months, and although Kibum still doesn't know his newest relationship is entirely due to Heechul's genius, he's pretty much automatically indebted to Heechul for life.
He also takes every opportunity to tease them until Donghae is red in the face (it's a pity that Kibum is pretty much unflappable). It makes Hankyung shake his head, while Siwon frowns and earnestly tells him that hyung, you really shouldn't! Heechul disregards them both, because after all, he got them together - he should be able to get his daily entertainment out of them as well.
("Hey," Heechul says to Hankyung one day. "Is it just me, or does Seasoning look like he needs a boyfriend?"
Hankyung sighs.)
fic started: January 24, 2009
fic finished: June 15, 2009
+ Feedback would be greatly appreciated.
+ Like what you've read? Please friend!